Warriors

(6-19-15)

^" Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah"

- Psalms 32:7


I wrote in my last blog that....  I'm not even sure.  So much has happened in the last few days.  Some very amazing things have happened - for me.  I've read some things I wrote years ago in this Blah, Blah, Blah....  Otherwise known as Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog. 

Where to begin?  Okay.  The Warriors are National Champions!  The Warriors Championship Parade is happening right now.  Write now.  That's what I am doing - writing. Watching the Warriors win The Finals has been fun.  Fun is Good.  Good for me.  Good for many.  Not so Good for Cleveland, but Cleveland is important to my understanding The Universe.  It's my understanding that I must understand.  It's very important to me.  It's very important to many.  For GOD.

When I was first told I would receive housing from The Community Living Fund on the 26th floor of Fox Plaza, I was so excited and completely amazed.  I've always dreamed of living in a high rise!  GOD's Will?   I just hoped I would get an apartment on the side facing the financial district so I could see more skyscrapers and the Bay Bridge.  I used to think I wanted an apartment on the south east side of Fox Plaza.  I love tall buildings and bridges.  Top of the World? 

By being placed on the northwest side, I get to see my favorite structure in the world - The Golden Gate Bridge.  Which to me means Top of the World.   I wrote about it that way back in 2010.  I really was on top of the world.  Man Smart (Woman Smarter) and I were fortunate enough to got the top of the South Tower of The Golden Gate Bridge.  I wrote about it in my blog Top of the World.

In my last blog, Deal, I wrote that sun shined through an opening in the unusually cloudy San Francisco summer sky.  The sun light breaking through the clouds was heading towards Top of the World.   Which to me, once again, was and is The Golden Gate Bridge.  I always love seeing that bridge in the morning, but still used to wish I was on the other side of Fox Plaza.  I now know, I was put on the correct side of this building.  By the Top of the Universe - God. 

Coincidentally enough, when I saw the sun coming through those clouds the ray of light looked like precipitation falling from the clouds.  I thought, "Rain?  Rain!"  We need rain.  Then, I realized it was God telling me something. 

An old friend of mines voice happened to be in my head at the time.  I call her Pearl.  Pearl's voice in my head reminded me it was GOD!  Before the sunlight reached to South Tower of the Golden Gate Bridge (The tower Man Smart (Woman Smarter) and I got to go to the top of) the cloud slowly closed up.  This caused the sunlight to slowly go away and not reach the South Tower.  God told me, "I'm not there yet." or is it "We're not there yet."

Either way, earlier that day (before I witnessed the sun coming through the clouds and heading toward The Golden Gate Bridge), I wrote something that I thought would be a blog in the future.   It still can be.  We'll see.  I never thought it would be included the next blog. Warriors.  There are too many other things getting ready to happen for me to write about.  I had titled that blog Water!  It was to be published sometime next month.  However, what happened, happened.  Still, Water is important.  I wrote:

Did you know that California supplies 25% of produce for The United States.  Due to our four year drought, California's Central Valley farmers are drilling new wells to reach ground water.  This ancient ground water exists from geological changes in earth that occurred thousand or even millions of years ago.  Once it is gone, it cannot be restored.

The Eastern half of The United States is very fortunate for the amount of water it receives.  Much of the world is relying on this ground water.  Countries around the world, such as India, are tapping into this "fossil" water at an alarming rate. 

Countries in The Middle East, such as The United Arab Emirates, have already built desalinization plants to turn sea water into drinkable water.  In Dubai, these plants supply 98.8 percent of Dubai’s water, with the remaining 1.2 percent coming from groundwater sources.

California has already started recycling waste water.  It seems we all may be heading in the right direction.   It is important that Californian's and the rest of The United States conserve water.  Water is incredibly valuable to world.  It as valuable as the air we breathe.

This is California's Hetch Hetchy Aquifer.  It provides 85% of San Francisco's water needs.

(6-20-15)

Coincidentally enough, the tallest building in the world is in Dubai.  Top of the World!  Water is very important to the world.  I think people need to believe in God.  I need to believe in God.   I always said this blog is The Truth.  God is The Truth and The Truth is God.  Still, I am an addict.  God is important to an addicts recovery from active addiction. 

The Foo Fighters are one of my favorite bands.  It is important that someday I write a blog called Dear Rosemary.  It's very important to my understanding.  It should include past blogs I wrote or at least quotes from them.  The blogs I wrote at different times and different years ago are Psalms 107 (2007), David, King of the Bible (2008) and Rose (2013).  There may be some others. We'll see.  For now, I need to write about Warriors.  "Loose with The Truth, maybe it's you fire.  But baby I hope you don't get burned."

President Obama was in town yesterday.  Yesterday coincidentally enough was the day of The Warriors parade and celebration! Go figure.  He stayed at Union Square.  The same place Free was staying when I coincidentally enough decided to call him back in 2013.  I even wrote a blog titled Free.  I had no idea he as in San Francisco that day.  He'd never been to San Francisco. I hadn't talked to him in years.  He lives in Colorado.  I called him and he just happened to be in in town to see Phish.  He had just arrived.

Back in 2010, I saw President Obama and I decided to go to the library and start writing again.  I was homeless and there was this Jesus Christ character with a bull horn that morning.  I started writing a blog titled, Standing on the Moon.

"She" was always there for me.  "She's" there for me now.    Top of the World!

I was placed on the 26th floor of Fox Plaza after 11 months of recovery from my suicide attempt.  I had no idea Top of the World would play such a role in my understanding.  I was just happy to have a dream come true - living in a skyscraper.  God's Will?  GOD's Will.

That blog, Standing on the Moon, began like this:

I saw President Obama yesterday morning.  It was pretty cool.  He stayed the night in the Intercontinental Hotel.  I didn't even know he was in San Francisco until I was walking down 5th street at eight o'clock in the morning.  I happened to notice the police had all the streets completely closed at least one city block in every direction away from the hotel.  I knew what that meant, because he has stayed there before.  I asked the cop on the corner, "Obama back in town?"  He said, "yep".


I walked to the corner of 5th and Howard and saw about 100 motorcycle cops getting ready to do their street closing maneuvers ahead of the motorcade.  There was also a H-65 Dolphin Coast Guard Helicopter hovering overhead, so I figured he'd becoming out soon.  It took about an hour, but he finally did.

While waiting there was this crazy guy with a bullhorn telling everyone they must except Jesus Christ as their savior.  I don't say he was crazy because of the Jesus Christ part, I say it because he's crazy.  He's a regular around the Powell Street cable car turnaround.  He's harmless, but he's so angry.  Maybe its just passion, not anger.   Either way - he's harmless.  The San Francisco cops guarding the corners were even chuckling at some of his crazy comments.  They were nice to him.


I then noticed these two guys wearing very nice suites.  They also had those things in their ear with the little phone cord-like coils that came up from their collars - obviously Secret Service.  I watched their eyes scan the crowd - they knew what they were doing.  They kept a particular close eye on the the "Jesus Christ" guy.  After a while, they even started smiling at some of his crazy rants. 


Then, the motorcade began.  Towards the end, were two presidential limos.  President Obama was in the second, waving at the small San Francisco crowd that had gathered that morning.  It was pretty cool.  I saw President Clinton the same way in Minneapolis in 1992.  It's pretty cool to see a President.  It made me feel a little bit hopeful about my day and life itself.  Then, I walked down 6th street and happen to glance in one of the windows of a pawn shop.  I saw one of my guitars hanging in the window.  My reality was back.


I've referred San Francisco as Heaven and hell on earth.  It's been hell for quite some time.  I don't even know where to begin.  I don't know what I want to write or if should write.  All I know is that writing and staying connected with people has helped in the past.


I mentioned that I saw President Clinton in Minneapolis.  I'm glad I mentioned that in Standing on the Moon.  Because I now realize that it's important for me to keep writing.  I was attending a college news paper convention in Minneapolis in 1992.  I've seen two Presidents and one Vice President (Al Gore in Cincinnati).  Man Smart (Woman Smarter) saw Jimmy Carter when we were, where else?  At a Grateful Dead concert in Atlanta, Georgia.  He was outside of CNN Headquarters.  The show was at The Omni Coliseum which is right next door to CNN Headquarters.  My dad had dinner with his favorite president - President Reagan.  President Reagan had dinner with a few of Procter and Gambles Ivorydale Plant workers.  My dad was one of them.

The first photo I ever framed was of an American flag at Ft. Point at half mast.  Ft. Point is a fort built between 1853 and 1861.  Instead of tearing it down, they built the Golden Gate Bridge over it.  The photo I took was from inside and at the top of Ft. Point.  It has the Golden Gate Bridge (Top of the World) in the background. 

American Beauty photographed this for me.  It was my dad's Christmas present in 2004.  Ronald Reagan died on June 5th, 2004.  Bob Beaty died June 4, 2006.  I reframed the photo on the left and placed it on my dad's chest in his coffin.  Reflections mean a lot to me.

It's that shot that made me start to realize, I'm a photographer.  Writing my dad's eulogy was the first thing I had written in a long time.  Before that it was college papers or proposals.  I had never written something so... hard.  My brothers really wrote it.  I asked them what they remembered about them and all three said his laugh.  I wrote it that way. I can hear his laugh to this day.  I miss him.  It's a long story summed up in a blog I wrote back in 2006 titled, Contrails.  That blog connects so many things to today. Especially Wharfrats. (A Grateful Dead 12 step recovery group.)

I wrote in Cumberland Blues that I was instructed by Uncle Danny's voice to "Write the short version"  I said that was not possible.  In fact, I've been writing The Truth since 2006.  Three months after my dad died I was pistol whipped on the street I lived in San Francisco.  My dad used to say that someone should knock some sense into me.  Well....  It's a long story, but it can be understood in the blog Contrails.   I am understanding so much more than I thought I ever would by simply going back and reading my blogs.  It's Truly amazing - God that is.  I'm so glad I wrote my Truth.   I can't make this stuff up!

It's proving to me something I always used to express somehow.  GOD exists.  GOD is The Truth and The Truth is GOD!


The Golden State Warriors are national champions!  Remember how I said writing the short version is impossible?  It has been.  I've been writing for nine years!  Most recently in Cumberland Blues wrote:


"I honestly thought I would not publish this blog.  It seemed too insane, yet, it's The Truth.  It is my self-sustained Truth.  Yesterday, I was watching Charles Stanley perform a sermon.  I really don't watch him, but I was having a hard morning after a sleepless night.  He said that, "if we listen carefully and are patient, God would give us subtly quiet messages."  I've always received them that way. I've written about them that way.  I prefer to watch and read Joel Osteen.  Yesterday, He said that, "people who were struggling, such as addicts, should have a Warrior mentality."

I'm an addict who needs recovery.  I've never been a Christian, but I was for a very short time raised in Christianity.  I was asked to write and give my dad's eulogy while meeting with a preacher at a Christian church.  Man Smart (Woman Smarter)  got pregnant with Althea while I was at a Christian program - CityTeam.  We were, of course, divorced.  In fact, coincidently enough, I just got a call from someone I was in CityTeam with three years ago.  I hadn't heard from anyone from CityTeam in at least two years. 

I may not be a Christian, but it has connected to some very important events.  It's connects me to parenthood, that's for sure.  I will also say that some of my clearest childhood memories of my mother were, #1 - The day I found her dying when I was 12.  #2 - My mother pouring communion at the Church of Christ we lived next door to in Morrow, Ohio when I was 5.  I never understood this part.  It was a very confusing time for me.  Even though I was only 5, it's becoming more clear.

 Speaking  of Warrior mentality.  This morning, I was on my way to Walgreens and I was wondering about that subtle message that God always coincidently provides.  I always have written how it was subtle.  It comes moments after I am having thoughts.  Messages from God have appeared on billboards, sidewalks (both in chalk and permanently written after poured), railroad tracks and paint and this time, it was a newspaper.  I'm a marketing major who has worked for 3 newspapers.  I'm now a writer (don't we all understand that?).  I began looking around and I saw this:

This was in The Examiner today.  I worked for The San Francisco Chronicle.

Top of the World.  I guess I've been writing about that.  Remember?  I did the moment I saw it.  God usually tells me to "keep writing", "I have a story to share" or "I have song to share".  This time, it combined another thing about my believing in God - sports....."

I haven't celebrated a hometown championship since the year I graduated high school - 1990.  The Reds beat The Oakland A's.  I was at a campfire at Free's parents home the night the Red's were in Oakland and won The World Series!  We were hanging out with some other friends. Pearl was there. 

In 2013, Pearl was moving from Hawaii to Colorado.  She spent a little time in San Francisco.  I was couch surfing at Not Fade Away's at the time.  Pearl's family and I met in the Haight.  The timing was... Godly.   Not Fade Away, who iw my sponsor coincidentally enough share birthdays - December 7th.  The day Pearl Harbor was bombed. See? 

There is simply too much to deny, but I'll add that Pearls brother, we'll call Cavalier is a Cleveland Cavaliers fan.  Cavalier and I communicated on Facebook quite a bit during The Finals.  We hadn't communicated in many years!

The night The Cincinnati Reds won The World Series, Free, Pearl, myself and a few others went to Fountain Square (Downtown Cincinnati) in my Terrible Toyota.  Terrible Toyota was a 1980 Toyota Celica that I bought from American Beauty.  That car seemed to have autopilot sometimes.  Thankfully! 

I know this is all so confusing to many, but did I mention that when I was in Minneapolis and saw President Clinton that I also partied with The Oakland A's.  They just liked the college girls I was hanging out with and invited us to their suite in the hotel were all staying.  I hung out with Jose Conseco, Mark McGuire and the rest of the team. 

I had just gotten back from The Big Apple.  Minneapolis is called the Mini Apple.  I ended up hanging out with a young pitcher who was from New York and lived in Greenwich Village.  While in New York visiting Soulshine, we went to, where else?  CBGB's!  It used to be a hole in the wall punk music club that bands such as The Ramones, The Police, Blondie and many other punk bands got their start.  It no longer exists.  I hear it moved to, where else?  Las Vegas.  By the way, Eyes of the World is in Las Vegas tonight.  He's working his way to San Francisco for the 50th Anniversary of The Grateful Dead.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, Minneapolis - partying with The Oakland A's.  The year was 1992.  The Cincinnati Red's had just swept The Oakland A's.  When I commented to The A's manager, Sandy Alderson (I don't remember his name for sure, I just looked that up.) about his World Series rings, he said, "I'd have another one if it weren't for Cincinnati."  He was kind about it, but to the point.  The Red's had recently swept them in the World Series.  Way to go Reds!

Go Warriors!  I needed a championship.  Especially against Cleveland!  As much as Cleveland means to me, I needed that win.  The Bay Area needed that win.  I'll admit, The Bay Area has had too many championships, but I never had an NBA team in Cincinnati.  The Royals made their way to Sacramento.  First stop Kansas City.  Next stop, Sacramento.  I'm still a Warriors fan!

Which brings me to that Jesus Christ character I mentioned in my blog Standing on the Moon.  I recently read some amazing things about... myself?  This blog must continue.  Dear Rosemary has to be a future blog.  It's a Foo Fighter's song.  They too are one of my favorite bands.  I wrote about them in the past.  I'll write about them in the future.  Believe it or not, they helped me understand the Bible.  They are helping me understand my soul.   They are helping me understand GOD! 

David, King of the Bible?  Hardly.  I'm simply David the addict.  David the artist. David the writer.  The connections from my writings are so undeniable, that they can't be denied.  Especially by me.  In the past few days I have gone back and found three or four blogs that made some incredibly undeniable connections.  Some were written so long ago, that I didn't remember writing what I wrote. 

I have always said this blog is The Truth, because it is.  Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog is my Truth.  I'm so glad I've been writing it for so many years.  I always knew something was going on.  I knew no one would ever live the life I've lived.  It's hasn't been all that good at times.  Actually, it's been hell.  hell on earth (I can't capitalize the word hell even if it is at the beginning of a sentence).  My "insane" life has proven something I always wanted and needed to know.  GOD is The Truth and The Truth is God!  GOD want's me to write.  Right?  Write.  Read?  Right!  Write?  Right.  Read....

Even though I am "Self Centered to the extreme (I am an addict)", this blog I have written for years is very altruistic.  God knows what I'm talking about.  Altruistic was a word on Jeopardy last night.  I've never really used this word.  However, I really did write altruistically for so many years.  I'm not "tooting" my own horn.  I'm tooting GOD's! 

al·tru·is·tic

adjective

 

1. showing a disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others; unselfish.

Oh yeah, The Warriors won The Finals.  We are world champions.  They celebrated outside of Henry J. Kaiser Auditorium.  Man Smart (Woman Smarter) and I saw members of The Grateful Dead (Further or The Other Ones) perform their on New Years Eve in 200?.  I've been to a lot of Dead.  Close to 100? I went to hundreds more of show of bands concerts. 

I've gotten many miracles!  To Grateful Dead shows that is.  And, so many other concerts.  I used to get at least 20 tickets to every show that came to Cincinnati.  I worked for them.  I was in advertising sales and we traded tickets for advertising.  It was so worth it!  I'd take many friends and/or clients to so many concerts back in Cincinnati.  We had a good time.  And, still, Miracles are happening!

I took this photo on my television.  Henry J. Kaiser Auditorium is the building in the background.  I didn't have enough money for BART fair to Oakland.  When The Giants win, the big celebration after the parade occurs right next door to Fox Plaza at The Civic Center Plaza.

And, Kaiser used to be my insurance before ObamaCare.  I've been to Kaiser's emergency, urgent care or ICU too many times.  And, the same goes for General Hospital.  In fact thought of ten times that I have been to an emergency room for myself "somewhere".  And, I've been to urgent care at least that many.  I'm not proud of this.  I promise. They were a whole lot of physical pain.  And, emotional pain as well.  I'm I just glad I'm alive.  Thank you GOD!

I have to add something to this blog that just happened.  I have written two blogs from Sammy Hagar songs.  Give to Live and  Give to Live (part II).  They basically explained how important it is that I Give to Live.  The first Give to Live was the last blog I wrote before my suicide attempt.  It ended like this:


Please don't think I'm giving up. I'm just trying to surrender. I loved feeling alive! It had been so long since I felt that way. I miss it. I want to feel alive again someday. I must learn from my mistakes. I love so many of you. Hopefully, I will let people know how things are going some day, somehow.  I may even write this blog again someday.  It may be a while.   I will miss it.  In order to live, I do need to give.  For now, I'm alive and I have 2 days clean. Thank you God.

THE END. (for now)

For now.  I'm glad I wrote it like that.  I have a future blog planned that will explain how "Treachery is tearing me limb from limb.  Aliens have very recently reminded me of how being torn limb from limb is a real possibility.  With all that said, my older brother we'll call Trans Am and his son, we'll call Hemi, is at a Sammy Hagar concert in Dayton, Ohio right now.



 He just sent me this photo from the concert!  "Alien"

 

With that said, I didn't find a Grateful Dead song or a Sammy Hagar song for this blog.  I found a Warriors song!  This one is from Imagine Dragon.  I need to stop chasing that dragon - to hell!

 

As a child you would wait
And watch from far away.
But you always knew that you'd be the one that work while they all play

In youth, you'd lay awake at night and scheme
Of all the things that you would change, but it was just a dream!

Here we are, don't turn away now (don't turn away)
We are the warriors that built this town.
Here we are, don't turn away now (don't turn away)
We are the warriors that built this town.
From Dust.

Will come, when you'll have to rise
Above the best, improve yourself
Your spirit never dies
Farewell, I've gone, to take my throne
Above, don't weep for me
Cause this will be the labor of my love (my love)

Here we are, don't turn away now (don't turn away)
We are the warriors that built this town
Here we are, don't turn away now (don't turn away)
We are the warriors that built this town
From Dust.

Here we are, don't turn away now (don't turn away)
We are the warriors that built this town
Here we are, don't turn away now (don't turn away)
We are the warriors that built

Deal

(I wrote most of this blog 6/15/15)

"Since it cost a lot to win and even more to lose!"

The Grateful Dead's 50'th Anniversary shows in Santa Clara are 12 days away.   I had yet to receive my first ticket in the mail.  I tried to track it down the yesterday, June 14^th. 

I used on Friday.  Remember how I mentioned Free? I once wrote a blog titled Free.   It was written 8/5/13 and we'll get to that. (Believe......)  It's important that we believe. In God. Call it what you call it, such as Allah or Dios.  I need to call it God. Remember what I wrote?   I'll remind you.  I wrote my Higher Power, I call God,  is The Universe.  "It" keeps communicating.  Every Which Way.... But loose?   Or is it Dirty Hairy?  I love the movie Every Which Way But Loose.  I even play and sing the song Every Which Way But Loose.  (Future blog possibility?)  Music is in my soul!  Lately, when I use, Dirty Hairy shows up.  Literally.  Dirty Hairy is also a Good movie, but I don't want Dirty Hairy to show up! 

This mind babbles.  It's full of Voices?  People?  God?  All three?  God is what I MUST believe in.  Whatever God is.  The Universe?  The Universe.  Music is in my soul.  Art is in my soul.   Photography....  Wait.   Clean is Right.   Yes, but also, clean is Write.  Right?  Write.

I used today. It's my step-mother birthday today.   Let's call her American Beauty!  That name is very fitting.   The Grateful Dead sure is on my mind a lot!  Coincidentally enough, Terrapin Stations dad's birthday was also today.  They were once Miracles.  We all were once Miracles.   Terrapin Stations dad was my Health Teacher in middle school back in Loveland.  It's important I call him Health Teacher. Using is not healthy.

I used on Friday.  It was free.  Yeah, I got the drugs for free. There is always a price to be paid when we use.  I used “we” because I'm hoping this Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog helps at least one other.  It's telling me The Truth.   STOP USING NOW is the clear message. Top of the world. 

Remember how I wrote about Free?  Free is important.   Free is important to me.  It is Good.   He is Good.  Free is Good .  (By the way, I have nicknamed my old friend from Loveland, Ohio Free.  He now lives in or near Loveland, Colorado - go figure.)   Oh yeah, Free is also a Phish song.  And, Free is a Phish head.  A bigger Phish head than a Deadhead.  We'll get to all of that.  I hope.   Free first saw The Grateful Dead in Alpine Valley.   I think.   Perhaps I'll ask him soon.  It means a lot.  His family means a lot.  Family.

Oh yeah.   Family is very important.   Brothers and sisters. Mothers and Fathers.   Steps-mothers and adopted brothers. Raised by your grandma.   Family.  Cincinnati who said Live Life, communicated Gettysburg to me.  (He just posted a video on Facebook from the movie Gettysburg he was watching.)  The Gettysburg Address.  Freedom.  Never forget Free.  Even if the drugs are free.  Drugs are not “free”.  If anyone should know that, it's me.  "It costs a lot to win.  Even more to lose!" 

I just wrote a few more paragraphs and they Coincidentally enough disappeared.  ( 5 minutes later. It happened twice. Perhaps I should move on....)  I may have hit something.  Who knows.   I used today.  I used on American Beauty and Health Teacher's birthday. I used on Terrapin Stations birthday which was 5/17.   Remember?   The same day my Uncle Danny died?  I wrote about that in Cumberland Blues. The Universe communicates with me.   Top of the world.

…. The Universe. “Don't you let that deal go down!”  That's the song I really heard yesterday. While The Warriors were playing The Cavilers. We won big! I feel for Cleveland, but I'm from Cincinnati. Cleveland is meaning so much to me. Cleveland is very important to my understanding The Universe. Remember? God. It's important that I believe. “Don't you let that deal go down!”

My blog is teaching me something. David defeats Goliath. The King of the Bible, David defeats Goliath.  “I Need a Miracle Everyday”.  The type of Miracle I need, I have to work for.  BIG DEAL.   I sure didn't work for future Miracles (i.e. Grateful Dead tickets).  American Beauty bought me tickets to the second night.   She bought the ticket with the money that so many raised for me at my fundraiser after I attempted suicide.  Eyes of the World and Ripple bought me tickets to the first night.  Thank you!

God exists.  If I am using, I am not believing in God.  This Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog has too many Coincidences for me to deny God. Top of the world.

(later that evening)
I was sitting on my 26^th floor balcony a little bit a go.   I was really think about “Something”.  Yesterday I read a blog I wrote in 2008.  It was called David, King of the Bible (It is not on BlogSpot so I cannot provide a link.  It was on Myspace.  I intend to link them in my next blog - Warriors).  A few moments ago I read a blog I wrote in 2013 called Rose.  David, King of the Bible and Rose linked some incredibly amazing things together.   The Universe is communicating with me.  With us. 

As I sat on my 26th floor balcony thinking of these amazing connections, I lifted my head up and through the unusually cloudy San Francisco sky, the Sun beamed through out over the Pacific Ocean where it meets The San Francisco Bay - otherwise known as The Golden Gate. It looked like rain was coming down. My first thought was, Rain? Rain!   Pearl said, it's God!   Then I realized that it was Light heading towards Top of the world.      

The "Light" was moving towards The Golden Gate Bridge - my favorite structure in the world!  “She” was always there for me.   As it approached the south tower of The Golden Gate Bridge, the Light began to fade.  The clouds closed the only opening in the sky.  The Message?  "I'm not there yet."  or should I say "We're not there yet."   

Top of the world.  I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be. Thanks to the Top of The Universe! GOD!  Believe.

It's important that I understand it like that. For GOD.  In other words, when someone comes to me and wants drugs because I have a good connection and they will give me some for free, "Don't you let that deal go down!"  That's the Grateful Dead song I coincidentally enough happened to hear yesterday that told me exactly what I was supposed to hear. 

When I heard Deal, I heard the lyrics, "Don't you let deal go down".  And, I especially heard the "It costs a lot to win and even more to lose."   I connected these lyrics to my drug addiction.   I never was much of a gambler in the conventional since.  I gambled with my life.  However, amazingly, the blogs I read that I wrote in 2008, David, King of the Bible and 2013, Rose connected actual playing cards.

 

What I read after I started writing this particular blog strongly connected playing cards.  I used to find playing cards lying on the streets of San Francisco years ago after I used and when I was walking around, tweaking.  They were coincidently enough on my walking path.  I basically played street poker, but I never bothered to pick the cards up.  I never saw aces.  I knew if I did, hell was drawing near.  One day, I found four aces in a row.  I picked them up!  

One of the aces was lying right in front of my front doorstep.  Years ago, before Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog existed on BlogSpot, I wrote a blog titled Four of a Kind.   Below are the actual card I picked up that day.  It was eerie.

 

"I been gambling here abouts
for ten good solid years.
If I told you all that went down
it would burn off both your ears"

 

I may be insane, but whatever God is, God is reality.  God is amazing.  This blog is TRUE.  God is The Truth and The Truth is God.   This makes me happy.  Happiness is hard for someone like me to come by.  God is Good.  Good is God.  God is Love.  I Love God. And, I love music.  I love The Grateful Dead.

 

 

Me, Free and Terrapin Station

 

This is from Free's Grateful Dead show at Alpine Valley.  "Coincidence is Gods way of staying Anonymous." 

 Since it cost a lot to win
and even more to lose
You and me bound to spend some time
wondring what to choose

Goes to show you don't ever know
Watch each card you play
and play it slow
Wait until your deal come round
Don't you let that deal go down

I been gambling here abouts
for ten good solid years
If I told you all that went down
it would burn off both your ears

It goes to show you don't ever know
Watch each card you play
and play it slow
Wait until your deal come round
Don't you let that deal go down

Since you poured the wine for me
and tightend up my shoes
I hate to leave you sittin there
composin lonesome blues

It goes to show you don't ever know
Watch each card you play
and play it slow
Wait until your deal come round
Don't you let that deal go down
Don't you let that deal go down, no
Don't you let your deal go down

I Need A Miracle

(6/7/15)

"Never give up on anybody.  Miracles happen every day."

- Unknown

Remember how I wrote in my last blog, Cumberland Blues, that miracles are happening.  Remember how I said I would "get to that".  I got to one.  I wrote that my next blog that I hoped to write would be "I Need a Miracle".  Thankfully, I am clean today and I am starting to write it.  I hope to make it a shorter one.  I promise.  That promise goes to me too!  "Write the short version!"

(10/10/15)

The Warriors are down one game to Cleveland.  As hard as it is for me to love Cleveland, it means something to me.  My first Grateful Dead show.  Wharfrats.  Contrails.  Miracles.  Miracles? 

Oh yeah, I said Miracles were happening.  They are.  Roshambo celebrated 10 years clean last Sunday.  Recovering addicts in 12 step programs call recovery from addiction "A miracle".  Miracles are in my soul.  Art and Music is in my soul. 

Roshambo is a filmmaker who has been there for me in some hard times.  He understands.  Back in 2012, when I  became homeless after getting exited from Christian Chaos (a Christian Recovery Program), he and other recovery addicts took me in.  I couched surfed for a few months while I was clean. 

I was also taken in by my sponsor, Not Fade Away.  That Grateful Dead cover songs means so much to me and my family.  I even performed that song with my brothers band at The Grateful Gathering.  It fits like a glove.   Remember how I wrote that he recently moved to San Jose.  He lives right down the road from the 49ers new stadium.  Iron and paint.  Good!  Right?  No, write.  And, photograph!  We'll get to that.

In 2012 Roshambo helped me get back on my feet so I could be a street artist again.  I had three storage units in different parts of San Francisco.  He went with me every time I needed help moving one from another.  He helped me turn 3 into 2.  Then, we turned 2 into 1.  He helped me in so many ways.

I would eventually get my own place, coincidently enough, it was above The Garden of Eden.  The Garden of Eden is a strip club in North Beach.  I'm an addict.  I'm not really into strip clubs, but I'm sex addict.  Combine sex addiction with IV meth addiction and....  Women are...   beautiful.  My addiction has taken me....  Let's just say it's crossed my sexual preference in EVERY direction.  I'll get to that.  Perhaps a blog called Jane Says?  Morals?  No.  Preferences.  We see it that way.  I'm an addict.  I PREFER women.  This isn't about me.  Well, that's not completely true.   "I need a woman..."  Yeah, yeah.... I'm an addict.  But still - my soul.

Did I mention that Roshambo is gay?  He is a miracle!  "I need a miracle.... "  

Oh yeah, Roshambo, has been to my storage units times when I could not be there.  He went to my "Piss in the sink" hotel room I was renting and moved all of my belongings into a new store unit that Man Smart (Woman Smarter) rented for me.  Oh yeah, I was in the ICU - again.  I had attempted suicide.   Been there, done that.

My soul has told us all to Live Life.  That was at the end of the last blog, Cumberland Blues.  I have still used.  Darkness.  The blog I wrote about a song I wrote a few days before my dad died of his addiction disappeared.  It was called, Live.  Disappeared?   Wait.  Miracles are happening.  They happened.   They are happening.

Miracles?  Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be one.  Well, technically, I guess I am one.  That's what they called me. I survived a suicide attempt.  I broke nearly every bone in my body and lacerated plenty of internal organs....  Yeah, whatever.  It's over.  I've healed.   I can't be believed in.  Thanks to me.   I promise what I am writing is True.  Believe it or not, it's True.  It's my Truth.  God is The Truth and The Truth is God.  Yeah, yeah.  We understand it our way.  I'm searching.  I promise you, if your struggling with an addiction, get help.  It gets worse.  The Truth will be known.

Wait.  Miracles are happening.  I got another miracle!  I'm going to both shows in Santa Clara.  Eyes of the World and Ripple bought me another ticket!  We go way back!  All the way back to my high school days.  They are touring the west before the stay in San Francisco for 4 nights.  My brother and my sister bought me a ticket!  That's right, we are family. 

"That's right, the women are smarter....."  Wait a minute.  Oh yeah, remember how I said God aka The Universe backed this blog up to Man Smart (Woman Smarter)'s child, Althea.  Could the next blog be called Understanding Althea?  We'll see.

I am so glad that Man Smart(Woman Smarter) and her husband I'll call Train Song are coming out to see the 50th Anniversary of the Grateful Dead.    We Deadheads and Phish heads love jam bands, but we know The Grateful Dead and Phish are different.  They both started in very different places and ended up being very similar.  Phish heads don't like to be compared to Deadheads.  I understand, I've seen Phish a few times.  They are a great band.  I never really heard the lyrics the way I hear Grateful Dead lyrics.  Except for maybe the song Free.  Free is in my soul.  Been there, wrote that.  And, we'll get to that.  Oh yeah, I like Trey's song Cincinnati. 

You know the ironic part about Altheas parents?   Man Smart (Woman Smarter) is not a Phish fan.  In fact, she doesn't even like their music.  Train Song has never been to a Grateful Dead show.  She thinks he'll understand once he sees a show.  I mean Jerry won't be there, but his replacement is Trey Anastasio - the singer/guitar player for Phish.  It's a family thing!  Phish and The Grateful Dead are in our souls.   It means so much more to me.  Or should I say, US.

My soul is understanding.  I've still used.  "Treachery"  Yeah, yeah.  Been there done that.  It's a really huge deal!  "Treachery has been tearing me limb for limb."  Literally.  Staying clean can make me a miracle.  Oh yeah, miracles are happening.   One just did.

That miracle celebration meant so much to me.  I was hanging out with other recovery addicts.  They are all miracles!  God aka The Universe loves us.  I need to understand it - one day at a time.  Because, "I've got my hands on a miracle."  Future blog possibility? We'll get there.  Three miracles?  Wait.  More than three.  Althea is a miracle.   They've got their hands on a miracle.  The Universe is communicating!   LISTEN!  Voices!  And, of course, art and music.  It's in our souls!

Voices?  "What's wrong with my voice?"   Free?  Yes.  Free was at Alpine Valley for his first Grateful Dead show 1989.  I took him to his first Phish show in Louisville, Kentucky.  I wrote about these events before.  He reminded me that I took him to his first Phish show and he didn't look back.  Last time I saw Free, when he, coincidently enough, was in San Francisco.   I didn't even know Phish was in town.  They were playing at Bill Graham Auditorium.  Coincidentally, enough, I now live right next door the Bill Graham.  At the time, I was rehab at Wally World.  I had just gotten out of the hospital. I hadn't talked to him in years.  And, I somehow decided to call him - the day he got here!  My soul?  Yes.  No.  Our souls.

Some of us deadheads went to the Grateful Dead Family Reunion in, where else?  Alpine Valley.  It happened just before we moved to San Francisco.  Have I ever written about how we got to San Francisco?  It had a lot to do with Jerry Garcia's death.  I had planned to propose to Man Smart (Woman Smarter) at the top of The CN Tower in Toronto!  It was the tallest structure in the world!  Top of the World?  Close to the Universe?  Yes. 

We had mail order tickets to the Toronto Sky Dome.  It's always hard to here of someone dying, but I remember the day Susan called me about Jerry dying.  Somehow, we ended up in San Francisco.  We'll get to that.  It's a lot.  "What a long strange trip it's been."

Grateful?  We need to always be.  Even when we're Dead?  I'm alive.  Forever happens.  Live Life!  That's my soul.  That's The Universe!  Heaven.  I'm alive!  Quietly live.  Listen.  Right?  Or, is it Write?  Both.  Is anyone really following where this has been or where it can go?  Will go!  Will Go!  I'm HEARING.  I need to listen.  I need to listen to the voices in my head?  And,  I really need to listen to my soul.  Especially my soul!  I must. Voices.  Humphrey Bogart?  He's a voice in my head sometimes.  Mickey Hart? Space?  I'm no drummer.  Mickey Hart is.  He and Bill Kreutzmann are drummers for the Grateful Dead.  Every show, The Grateful Dead did a drum solo, called Space!  Oh yeah, The Universe.  

Where the hell am I?  I'm in Heaven.  It's my earthly heaven.  Why do I use in my earthly heaven?  I'm an addict.  Still, things are coming to an end.  The Universe is screaming for me to stop - just in time.   You know who's voice I'm not hearing?  My mothers.  Peace and quiet must happen for all.  Peace and quiet will happen for me.  "Althea told me upon scrutiny that my back might need protection."  That's my soul communicating.  The Universe is THAT amazing.  Trust.  Believe.  Listen.  Read.  Keep reading.

I was fortunate enough to help Roshambo  make two films.  I was the photographer for these documentary films.  One was about a musical event that occurs at 16th and Mission every Thursday night.  All of these artists get together to perform poetry, spoken word and music.  Art and Music are in my soul. That film is called Rock, Paper, Scissors (Roshambo). 

The most recent film is called Tom and Jerry At Last.  I've yet to see it, but I am looking forward to.  He is working on a screening at a theater that will likely include a showing of both films.   I wrote in the last blog that I was taking photos of a playground put in by Tom And Jerry at Mission Delores Park.  I was thinking how due to my using, many of my memories had been bad.  I thought to my self just before I crossed some light rail train tracks,  "If I will stay clean, my memories will be...." (I looked down and...)

The Universe communicates with me.

I'm very fortunate to have miracles in my life.  Good miracles are happening.  I need to always be Grateful.  I need to be Grateful to have Roshambo in my life.  And, of course, this blog has to end a with a Grateful Dead song.  I'm Grateful for my two miracles to see the shows in Santa Clara.  And, like I said, Roshambo is gay, but I sure love women.  And, coincidently enough, this Grateful dead song communicate two things I love - miracles and women!  "Too much of everything is just enough.  One more thing I just got to say.  I need a miracle every day!"

 

I need a woman 'bout twice my age
A lady of nobility, gentility and rage
Splendor in the dark, lightning on the draw
We'll go right through the book and break each and every law.

I got a feeling and it won't go away, oh no
Just one thing then I'll be OK
I need a miracle every day.

I need a woman 'bout twice my height
Statuesque, raven-dressed, a goddess of the night.
Her secret incantations, a candle burning blue
We'll consult the spirits maybe they'll know what to do.

And it's real and it won't go away, oh no
I can't get around and I can't run away
I need a miracle every day.

I need a woman 'bout twice my weight
A ton of fun who packs a gun with all her freight
Find her in a sideshow leave her in l.a.
Ride her like a surfer running on a tidal wave.

And it's real, believe what I say, yeah
Just one thing I got to say
I need a miracle every day.

It takes dynamite to get me up
Too much of everything is just enough
One more thing I just got to say
I need a miracle every day,
I need a miracle every day,
I need a miracle every day, (got to be the only way)
I need a miracle

Cumberland Blues

Uncle Danny and Buck.

(5/17/2015)

"Write the short version."

I will always remember that voice.  This day is hard.  Hard for my family.  I'm not to sure how or what to write.  I'm honestly struggling myself.  That is The Truth.  For me, God is the Truth and The Truth is God.

I have written two blogs this year.  One was called Slip Away the other, Live.  Slip Away was about how I have let love Slip Away.  It's a song I coincidentally enough heard one day while I was somewhere that God always gave me a message through music.  It was about how I always let love Slip Away. 

Live was a blog about a song I wrote a few days before my dad died.  It was about how we were "killing ourselves."  In fact, that song's title was "Stop Killing Ourselves" until I attempted suicide as a result of my addiction and survived.  I changed it's title to "Live" after I survived.   I was in the hospital for six months and recovery for 5 months.  Then, I started using again.  That's not living.  Not the way most people do.  Especially the way I do it.  My using disrupts others living - Schizoaffective or not I've wasted so much time - my time included.

Both of those blogs disappeared.  "Coincidence is God's way of staying Anonymous."  That is one of my favorite quotes by Albert Einstein.  In many ways, my higher power, I call God, is The Universe.  Art and Music will always be in my soul.  It's all so coincidentally overwhelming that I can't deny my family.  I don't even know how or where to begin writing about all of this. 



My brother Michael, Uncle Danny and my brother Alex.
I took this photo during my last visit to Cincinnati.  My brothers and I took a trip down to the country!

What I thought was going to be my clean date and New Years resolution was written on the last blog that exists in a blog called Althea.  Althea is a Grateful Dead song and is o about a miracle. I wrote it on a day in which I thought my clean date could have been.  That could have been my recovery birthday, which would have been December 30.  December 30 was my dads actual belly button birthday.  Recovering addicts are called "miracles" in 12 step groups.  Both of my parents had addictions issues and died as a result.  Althea is a miracle.  Althea is Man Smart (Woman Smarter), aka Atheist-Angel, aka my ex-wife's daughter.  Coincidentally enough, Althea is the last blog to appear on Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog.  Art and music are in my soul.  I recently got a miracle.  We Deadheads call that a ticket to a Grateful Dead show.  These "miracles" usually occurred in parking lots of music venues just before a sold out show was going to start.  Sometimes they were sold for face value or less.  Sometimes we deadheads traded "something."  Sometimes tickets were given for free!  

There will be three shows for the 50th Anniversary of The Grateful Dead in Chicago, Illinois.  I mail ordered for tickets.  They were in such high demand and I did not win the lottery.  The Grateful Dead announced two more shows in The San Francisco Bay Area.  I won the lottery for a show Santa Clara, California.  That's a miracle!  Another miracle is about to happen - a miracle in the recovery version.   That should be the next blog.  It will be called, I Need a Miracle.

As I just wrote, I ended the last blog that appears on Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog by writing what I had permission to write.  I honestly never even understood the lyric to Althea.  I can't believe they never jumped out at me.  That's how music keeps working for me.  Sometimes I don't hear the message until my soul finds it or it finds my soul. My understanding occurred at time that cannot be denied.  My soul needs to listen.  I ended the last blog like this:

"Coincidentally enough, Althea is on a Grateful Dead album called, Go to Heaven.  Even if I wasn't trying to be anonymous, I couldn't put into words how much this song and this blog means."


5/22/2015

Day's have past.  I'm still confused.  I know my using is wrong, especially now.  God was communicating something to me.  Voices.  "Tell the short version."  I'm still trying to understand what's going on.  No matter what,  I can't keep using.  Burnside, Kentucky - Uncle Danny.  New York City - The David Letterman Show.  Coming to an end.  Coincidence?

The David Letterman Show was Man Smart (Woman Smarter)'s favorite late night show.  She watched it every night.   (Right after The David Letterman show went off the air, I saw David Letterman was at the Indianapolis 500.  He had an Indy car.  He's originally from Indiana.  My brother lives in Indiana.  He and his son love Cars.  My nephew is going to be going to college in Indianapolis to be an auto-technician.  My favorite movie at one time was Disney/Pixar's Cars.  Man Smart (Woman Smarter) played that movie for me over and over while I was in the ICU for the first time as a result of my addiction.  She never left my side. Using is that wrong.   Race cars mean even more.  I'll keep Babbling.  It's family.  Soon after my mother died, I was on a pit crew.  #9.  It's a long story, but my cousin, who I had an apartment with has a son who is racing go-carts all over the country.  #9.  He's good!

This all is so coincidently undeniable.  Family  Miracles.  Family.  Coming to an end.   Coast to coast and everywhere in between.    Miracles.  Miracles?

"Will you never believe in me unless you see miraculous signs and wonders?" 

- John 4:49 

Doctors even called me a miracle.  I didn't believe it. I just read the first blog that I wrote after I survived my suicide attempt.  God gives me messages.  That's my Truth.  When I woke up in the hospital and wasn't sure what was going on, I wrote a blog I titled Ocean Size.  Ocean Size is a song by one of my other favorite bands - Jane's Addiction.  I will hopefully write about the details of this someday.  The messages that I did not listen to that I really should have was from a Foo Fighters song called My Hero.  (This blog appears at the bottom of Ocean Size.) For me, at the time, when I was running and I heard the song, My Hero, I always thought about God.  It's an insane but true story. 

Coincidentally enough, The David Letterman Show came to an end last night.  The Foo Fighters performed Everlong.  David Letterman's said it was his favorite band to have on the show.  He saved them for last.  Susan loved the David Letterman show.  My soul matters.  Speaking of miracles,  The Foo Fighters played their song Miracle when David Letterman came back from his heart surgery in 2000.  I cannot deny this Coincidence.   miracles.  life.

My brothers are having a hard time with all of this.  My older brother never gave up on me.  My younger brothers never gave up on me.  My using is hard on me and others.  This should not be about me.  I must "loose with the truth".  

"Loose with the truth, maybe it's your fire.  But, baby I hope you don't get burned."  My time is about up.  Things are coming to an end, one way or another.  That's how addiction works.   Jails, institutions and death.

My Uncle Danny is gone.  We had some good times.  He and Man Smart (Woman Smarter)  were so opposite.  Man Smart (Woman Smarter) is a vegetarian.  She loves animals and is so against animal farming.   Uncle Danny had a cattle farm.  Uncle Danny never quit teasing Man Smart (Woman Smarter).  She was a good sport.  Together, they were hilarious.  They never stopped giving each other a hard time.   In a strange and sad twist of irony, Uncle Danny was kicked in the head by a cow while loading them to send to market.   He was flown to The University of Tennessee for emergency brain surgery.  He died the next day.  Despite Man Smart (Woman Smarter)'s differences, they cared about each other.   That's what "the short version" is all about.

The "short version" is actually more about me than her.  That's the Truth.  Actually, it's more about my family.   Music is in our souls.  It's seems The Universe hears me using.  I always knew that when people died, if they believed in Heaven, the Truth was vital.  Go to Heaven.  That's the album the "short version" is on.   God is the Truth and The Truth is God.  God always knows.  I know this.  This is my truth.  This is so many's truth.  I knew it would be that way.  I'm not supposed to be alive.  I got too many chances.  That's what my song Live was all about.  That was my last blog that ironically disappeared.

In the past three months, I've lost my Uncle Paul on my birth mothers side.  He died quickly of pancreatic cancer.  My Aunt, who I will call, Built to Last, is his wife.  She just spent eight weeks in the hospital.  She had a stroke.  I just lost my cousin, Danny Junior.  He committed suicide.  He had just left the hospital and we believe he too had pancreatic cancer.  He likely didn't have much time.  He was Uncle Danny's son.  Uncle Danny was having a hard time.  This all happened in the past three months. 

They say it comes in threes.  I can't make it four.  "Treachery is tearing me limb from limb."  It's harder on those who are not being hard on me - Good people.  This world is full of Good people.  Especially in San Francisco.  And, Burnside, Kentucky. It is also hard on those who understand treachery.  Or should I say, Dealt it out themselves.  And, it is hard on recipients of treachery.  Using is wrong.  Addiction is hard on people.  If you like using, believe me, I understand.  If you're making some mistakes, now is not a bad time for recovery.  Believe me, the sooner the better.  If you're having a small problem, get help.  12 step is a great way in Ohio (AA was founded) and California (NA was founded).  Recovery from addiction is now happening over the world!  Just remember.... Higher Power.  I remember when I heard about "God" in recovery.  I thought, "what does God have to do with recovery?"  If I can't believe in God.... Jails, deaths and institutions.  "Our (an addicts)" ultimate end.

God cares about my family.  And, President Obama cares about my family. This includes me, of course.  Using makes me insane, however, it's still my choice to use.  Again, this is about me.  "Self-centered to the extreme."   God cares about people.  My Uncle Danny cared about people.  When I use, I'm wrong and even hard on people.  Addiction can be treachery.  My Uncle was never giving up on our family.  Only I do.  That's not true, but I'm....  confused.

It's not about me.  I was hearing voices.  Many times I used, my Uncle Danny kept saying, "Write the Short Version."  God backed this blog up to the last blog,  Althea.  Addiction and God, Love, Family and life does not mix, for some.  For many.  For me.  My family matters.  One of the last times Uncle Danny was telling me to, "write the short version", I "told" him that wanted to someday write a blog called Cumberland Blues.




(5/23/2015)

"Truth emerges regularly from error and confusion."

- Francis Bacon

I lost another old friend yesterday.  One of my high school buddies, Chris passed.  His wife, we'll call her Scarlet Begonias, is also in recovery.  This is a hard time for them and their daughter.  I just said a strong, heartfelt prayer for them.  When this blog gets posted, please pray for them.  Please pray for my family as well.  Life coming to an end is hard, yet inevitable.  I believe it will lead to a new beginning in so many ways.  It's still hard for me to understand.  Life is precious.  Memories, Good Memories, are amazing.  I get messages. God is amazing.  Whatever "God" is.  I'm honestly still searching myself.  I've been praying for guidance.

Cumberland Blues is guiding me.  I must keep my commitments to God.  God is The Truth and The Truth is God.  My Uncle Danny and my dad grew up in Burnside, Kentucky.  I always used to jokingly say that my dad was born at the bottom 0f a lake  - Lake Cumberland.  Burnside Kentucky was a part of The Tennessee Valley Authority Project.  Dams were built on rivers that created lakes.  Dams were built in that beautiful part of this country to provide electricity.  That part of the country was far behind the rest of the country.  The TVA Project was meant to catch them up.  It did.  It provided hydro-electricity.  It also created lakes that created tourism.

Did I mention Miracles are happening?  This is a fact The Truth cannot deny.  God backed this blog up to True miracles.  Remember how I wrote that God backed this blog up to a miracle, Althea.    Births are Miracles.  Recovery is a Miracle.  Grateful Dead concert tickets are "Miracles."   My dad was a Miracle the day he was born, December 30, 1948.   Still, coming to and end is inevitable.   

Which brings us back to Cumberland Blues.  My dad moved from Burnside, Kentucky to Cincinnati, Ohio and "pulled himself up from his bootstraps."  He grew up without indoor plumbing and he was raised by his grandmother, "Mamma".  To me - Grandma Love.  Love is a part of my family.  My brothers and I grew up in a suburb of a Cincinnati, Ohio called, Loveland, Ohio.  I cannot deny Love.  It's in my blood.  It's in my soul.  Addiction robs me of love.  Or ,should I say, Love.

Miracles are happening.  Recovery from addiction is "a miracle".  I'll hopefully get to those.  I can't claim a recovery birthday at this stage.

Sometimes this blog is my only True connection to people.  It's my only True connection to friends and family.  This blog is not a True connection.  However, it has guided me.  God is The Truth and The Truth is God.  One of the first things I had written besides college papers and business proposals that involved life coming to and end, was my dad's eulogy.  Addiction was a big part.  I'm so confused.  Contrails.  Miracles.  Concrete, paint and steel.  Art, music, writing.  Wharfrats.   Recovery.  The Grateful Dead.   Miracles. 

This is a photo I took while working on a film project for someone who has been here for me in so many ways.  He is a True Miracle.  We'll get to that. 

"Will you never believe in me unless you see miraculous signs and wonders?" 

- John 4:48

For now, things have come to an end.  For my parents, addiction was involved.  For me it could have been involved.  I prayed for God's Will and a True miracle occurred.  "Write the short version."

I always thought of my dad growing up when I heard The Grateful Dead play "Cumberland Blues".  Miracles.  Addiction.  Treachery.  Miracles....  God?

The Universe is communicating with me.  Last weekend, Man Smart (Woman Smarter), who is Altheas mother, was in New York City.  We visited New York City quite a few times.  Art and music is in my soul.   We used to visit a friend, in NYC.  I'll call her Soulshine.  Soulshine lived in Hoboken, NJ.  In fact, after Man Smart (Woman Smarter) left New York she went to visit Soulshine who now lives Racine, Wisconsin.  Back when we used to visit Soulshine in New York City, we had to take the PATH subway from lower Manhattan to her apartment.    One of the times we visited New York we went to an Allman Brothers concert in Harlem.  We partied all day.  Afterwards, we went the financial district and I drank 13 shots of tequila.  Then, we had to take a PATH train back to her apartment.  The end of the line in NYC was and still is located at The World Trade Center Subway Station.  I was so stumbling drunk, that I fell into the subway tracks at the World Center Subway Station.  Thankfully, I was pulled out before a train arrived.

I love skyscrapers.  Susan and I went to the top of the Empire State Building in the Empire State.  The Empire State Building was once the tallest building in the world!  My second favorite city is New York City - the most densely populated large city in The United States of America.



Susan text me this photo last weekend.

I'm so glad we got to go to the top of the World Trade Center.  They were tallest buildings in the world!  It was a beautiful view from the observation deck. We were on Top of the World.   

Top of the World is also a blog I wrote about Man Smart

(Woman Smarter) and I getting to the top of the South Tower of The Golden Gate Bridge. She worked for the "Transportation Department" in San Francisco.  I love bridges and skyscrapers.  The Golden Gate Bridge is my favorite man made structure in the world!  I used to say,  "She's always been there for me."  I said that about both Man Smart (Women Smarter) and The Golden Gate Bridge. 

For me, addiction and evil can go hand and hand.  In my insane addiction, I wrote about the New World Order.  This is covered in my blog - Contrails.  Addiction can be hell.  Hard on too many involved.  Did I mention my Atheist Angel, aka Man Smart (Woman Smarter) aka my ex wife was in New York City last weekend?

Last week, Man Smart (Woman Smarter) took a photo of one of the fountains used to commemorate The World Trade Center towers.

Remember?  Remember.  Never forget.  Never.  They were once the tallest buildings in the world.  Sadness.  Frustration. 

In 2001, when The World Trade Centers were attacked and destroyed, I had to do something - for freedom.  I remember the day my dad called me I was on the 30th floor of the tallest building in Cincinnati, Ohio.  Susan said I should get out.  I wasn't worried about me, but she was.  I was more worried about what was happening.  Confusion.  Mass confusion.  Darkness.

However.  We knew.... We knew....  We always knew.  Despite war and darkness, aka evil, Freedom would prevail. Freedom of speech.  Freedom of religion.  Peace.  Love.  Freedom of Choice. 

The Universe.  My God?  My search?  My personal search.  Lets's not make this about me.  The Universe is not darkness.  It's a new frontier.  It's our new frontier. 

Addiction is evil.  Confusion?  Not true?  True.  True for me.  It can become Treachery. Where's my soul?  I remember.  It's Art, Music and Writing.  I once wrote Top of the World. 



"Coincidently enough, Top of the World can be seen of my 26th floor balcony.  I jokingly say, "I earned my apartment the hard way.""

Close to the stars?  The Universe?  My God?  Life, Coming to an end.  Forever?  Sorrow.  "Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal."  This is written on the back of both of my parents tomb stones.  I covered this in a blog I wrote when I last visited Cincinnati in 2013.  It is called Carry On My Wayward Son. 

Yet still, The Universe.  Darkness?  God?  Freedom.  Recovery.  Truth.  Iron and steel.  Strong.  God.  Faith.  Freedom.  Loss.  Birth.  Miracles.  Miracles.  Miracles.  Peace.  Freedom.   Listen.  Believe in.   Obvious confusion.  That's what using can lead to.  If you're struggling with using now.  I promise, it gets worse.  Get help.  That's my Truth to you.  For me, it goes like this.

"loose with the truth
maybe it's your fire
but baby I hope you don't get burned

When the smoke has cleared, she said,
that's what she said to me:
You're gonna want a bed to lay your head
and a little sympathy."




We will never forget.  Freedom. 
(Susan also took this photo last weekend.  I read the observation deck just opened.  Top of the United States!)

"Peace will prevail."

Family.  Love.  Courage.

"Write the short version."  It turns out, their is no such thing.  Is there?  Writing takes time.   "You can't write the blues until you live the blues." 

I'll always remember (not clearly) the time I got hit by something while walking to close to a freight train.  I finished a bottle Monte El bon tequila.  I ate the worm.  Have I ever written that blog?   No wait.  I was at Uncle Danny's.  My family.  I was with one of my  "brothers.", we'll call him Terrapin Station. (Ironically, he himself chose this as his favorite Grateful Dead song.  It's my favorite song to see live. It sure fit's this blog.)  I  was at Uncle Danny's when this happened.

This is the album cover art.

Addiction.  Treachery.  Music.

"What the Fuck?"  That's a song I wrote about my addiction that I have lived.  It was written over many years as my drug advanced from one drug to another.  It started out being about my drinking....  It ended up being about shooting crystal meth.  It started out being funny....  It's pretty damn serious now.  It's not funny.   It used to be funny.  Kind of like another one of my songs - Tequila and Trains." I performed that song at "The Grateful Gathering."  Coincidentally enough, I also performed my song Live that night.  Remember, how my blog Live coincidentally enough disappeared?

The weather sucked in Loveland, Ohio that night and not too many people made it.   My brothers were there.  I performed Tequila and Trains with my true adopted and very close blood brother and his band.  We also performed a Grateful Dead cover song - Not Fade Away.  "You know our love will not fade away."  Quite a few showed up at my original benefit at that same venue that occurred after I attempted suicide.  Why a benefit?  Some thought they knew me.  They used to.  I started writing this blog again for the first time since I had been "On top of the world!"   Then, I used. Treachery.

I spent a long time loosing so much.  This includes Man Smart (Woman Smarter).  Man Smart (Woman Smarter) was my high school sweetheart that I met in art class.  I ended up being homeless for 8 1/2 months.  One morning, I saw President Obama.  That day I went to the library and started writing this blog that my soul had inspired.  I wrote Standing on the Moon.  My soul - art, music, writing and this redicul0us Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog.



I used this image for my business card when I was a Street Artist.  I was trying to create new memories.  She was always there for me.  Art is in my soul.  This shots represents my using days when I was always using at Lands End or the Marine Headlands.  "Standing on the moon, but I would rather be with you."

Anger? Frustration?  The voices are asking me to relax.   Are The Voices coming from The Brady Bunch?  Are they the Beaty Bunch?  Truth?  God?  Insanity?  All of the above?   Confusion.  Decisions....  Reality.

Coming to an end. Terrapin Station, who is my "brother" and I were in New York City that time I fell into the tracks at The World Trade Center after I drank too much tequila.  He was also with me in Burnside, Kentucky when I drank too much tequila and got "hit"  by a freight train. You can't write the blues until you've lived the blues.  I wrote a song called Tequila and Trains. 

Ironically, Man Smart (Woman Smarter)  sees Union Terminal (the train station in Cincinnati) from her back yard.  She lived atop a steep hill in a neighborhood called Clifton.  This image on my wall.   When the dead played Cincinnati, the parking lot scene (Shakedown Street) occurred here.

Terrapin Station was also with me for a Miracle in NYC.  My second favorite place to see a Grateful Dead Concert was Madison Square Garden.   Ironically enough, Madison Square Garden is above a train station - Penn Station.  Terrapin Station has been with me for long time.   I don't know if he ever met my mother, but he met my dad.  He was with me when my life did not come to and end - twice.  He's gonna be in Chicago at Soldier Field (my favorite place to see The Grateful Dead and its at the venue that Jerry Garcia performed his last Grateful Dead show). "The Long Strange Trip" is coming to an end.  He got a Miracle!  We got a Miracle!   His is for Chicago.  Mine is for Santa Clara.

The day my Uncle Danny's life came to an end was Terrapin Stations birthday.  He was having a hard birthday.  Homelessness was becoming possible again, yet he only blamed himself.  I told him not to be so hard on himself.   After all, my Uncles Danny's life just came to an end.  It was a Good day stop using.  It was a Good day for a miracle, Right?  That's what recovering addicts call birthdays.  I was confused.  Right?  Or is it, write?

I used.  I got a serious message from "The Universe".  I need to always remember Uncle Danny's voice, "Write the short version."  That's impossible.  Forever happens.  Art and music is in my soul.  Love.  Music.  Smiling.  Voices.  Writing.  Laughter.  If not:

This is the message I received that day when I chose to use. It was in front of my dealers building. The Universe knew where to find me.  We can't hide from The Truth.

"Be not wise in thy own conceit:  fear God, and depart from evil.  For it shall be health to thy navel, and moistening to they bones."

- Proverb 3:7-8

It was written in chalk.  Iron, Steel and concrete outweigh chalk everyday!  However, art speaks.  It speaks The Truth.  Addiction is hell.  Freedom matters. 

Music will always be in my soul.  Writing will always be in my soul.  It was very hard, but I wrote and did my dad's eulogy.  The circumstances were so confusing.  Addiction is so confusing.  Uncle Danny's life came to an end.  At the same time, miracles are happening. 

I'll always remember that time I visited my family in Loveland, Ohio.  My dad's family, The Beaty family lived in Burnside, Kentucky.  That  little ole "hillbilly" city (It's in my blood, I have the right!  Freedom!) that used to be at the bottom of Lake Cumberland.  My dad was born at the bottom of a lake!  I love my dad.



(5/25/2015)

"God is, even though the whole world deny him.  Truth stands, even if there be no public support.  It is self-sustained."

- Mohandas Gandhi

I honestly thought I would not publish this blog.  It seemed too insane, yet, it's The Truth.  It is my self-sustained Truth.  Yesterday, I was watching Charles Stanley perform a sermon.  I really don't watch him, but I was having a hard morning after a sleepless night.  He said that, "if we listen carefully and are patient, God would give us subtly quiet messages."  I've always received them that way. I've written about them that way.  I prefer to watch and read Joel Osteen.  Yesterday, He said that, "people who were struggling, such as addicts, should have a Warrior mentality."

I'm an addict who needs recovery.  I've never been a Christian, but I was for a very short time raised in Christianity.  I was asked to write and give my dad's eulogy while meeting with a preacher at a Christian church.  Man Smart (Woman Smarter)  got pregnant with Althea while I was at a Christian program - CityTeam.  We were, of course, divorced.  In fact, coincidently enough, I just got a call from someone I was in CityTeam with three years ago.  I hadn't heard from anyone from CityTeam in at least two years. 

I may not be a Christian, but it has connected to some very important events.  It's connects me to parenthood, that's for sure.  I will also say that some of my clearest childhood memories of my mother were, #1 - The day I found her dying when I was 12.  #2 - My mother pouring communion at the Church of Christ we lived next door to in Morrow, Ohio when I was 5.  I never understood this part.  It was a very confusing time for me.  Even though I was only 5, it's becoming more clear.

Speaking  of Warrior mentality.  This morning, I was on my way to Walgreens and I was wondering about that subtle message that God always coincidently provides.  I always have written how it was subtle.  It comes moments after I am having thoughts.  Messages from God have appeared on billboards, sidewalks (both in chalk and permanently written after poured), railroad tracks and paint and this time, it was a newspaper.  I'm a marketing major who has worked for 3 newspapers.  I'm now a writer (don't we all understand that?).  I began looking around and I saw this:

This was in The Examiner today.  I worked for The San Francisco Chronicle.

Top of the World.  I guess I've been writing about that.  Remember?  I did the moment I saw it.  God usually tells me to "keep writing", "I have a story to share" or "I have song to share".  This time, it combined another thing about my believing in God - sports.  I hope to get to that in a future blog.  But it combined Christianity, writing, newspapers and sports.  All of this to me means - God.  No one believes in me because of me.  I must believe in God.  This has been a clear message - to me.

The Warriors are about to be in The Finals.  It looks like they may be playing The Cleveland Cavilers.  If there was ever a team I would want my hometown team to beat, it would be Cleveland.  My stepmothers family is from Cleveland.  I saw my first Grateful Dead show in Cleveland.   I was tripping on LSD.  Wow!  Was that an amazing show.  I'm not completely clear, but  I'm pretty sure the song that hooked me was Friend of the Devil. 

During the set break, I saw all of these "crazy hippies" standing around holding hands.  I didn't know what it was.  It turns out, it was The Wharfrats.  The Wharfrats are recovering addicts.  I have been the secretary of The Wharfrats in San Francisco.  My 12 step sponsor puts tables together at Grateful Dead related concerts and other  jambands.  He put them together for the Santa Clara shows.  My sponsor just moved to San Jose, which is right down the road.  

While in Cleveland another time, Terrapin Station told me not to drink on the way to the show.  He said cops were watching from the trees.  They were!  I drank in the car.  We got motioned to pull over.  Those of us who were drinking in the car got a ticket.  Thankfully they didn't find the LSD.  That night, The Grateful Dead covered I Fought The Law by The Jerry Fuller Four. You know, "I fought the law and the law won..."  The next night, I didn't use anything.  I had been to quite a few shows by this time, but I had never been to one clean and sober.  It wasn't the same as trippin my brains out, but I heard the music.  Music is in my soul.  I'm supposed to be a miracle.  I can't keep using.  The only way I have been to live music for the past ten years is clean.

While I was taking photos for a film project that my friend, I'll call Rochambeau, has put together about a  non-profit group that feeds many in San Francisco.  The film is for The LGBT Film Festival.   Rochambeau is in fact a miracle.  His 10 year clean birthday is June 7.  This film he made is a Good film for a Good project.  This non-profit group feeds many in San Francisco.  While I was at Mission Delores Park taking photos of the playground put in by two of the people who help start the non-profit organization, I was seriously considering all I had lost from using.  I was heading towards the playground and was thinking how so many of my memories have been bad ones.  I thought to myself, "I guess if I stay clean, they can be...."  And then I looked down:

God is Good and Good is God.  That's my Truth.  God is The Truth and The Truth is God.  See where my Truth is coming from?

Remember how I said iron and paint represented solid messages from God?   My sponsor, who is miracle, just moved to San Jose.  I'll be taking CalTrain to see him.  That's Good.  The Grateful Dead show is in Santa Clara.  A ticket to that show is a miracle. That's Good.  I'll be taking CalTrain there too. 

Which takes us back to Burnside, Kentucky.  My Uncle Danny's and my Pop's childhood home.  The place where I got "hit" by a train.  I wrote the song  I titled Tequila and Trains after that incident.  I also quit drinking tequila.  Terrapin Station was at both of these Tequila and Train related events.  He was also at The Grateful Dead Show at MSG above Penn Station.  He loved bluegrass.

"Write the short version."  I used to think of my family when I heard The Grateful Dead play Cumberland Blues.  I was recently "telling" my uncle via "voices" that  he would like that song.  I never got the blues part for someone like me.  I wasn't born at the bottom of a lake.  I get the blues part now.


I shouldn't be alive.  I'm suppose to be a miracle.  I survived a suicide attempt.  I'm grateful I got a chance to go with my little brothers to Uncle Danny's. We went to his farm and met his horse, Buck.  My little  brothers were also introduced their true blood mother - my second cousin.  She lives in Burnside.  The fact that I made that trip has miracle written all over it.  I would not have gone back had I not survived.  I can't claim a recovery birthday in this blog.  I've learned that.  With that in mind, I heard the closing lyrics to this song, for me.  "I don't know now, I just don't know.  If I'm coming back again."
 

So here's to The Bush family, The Love family and The Beaty family.  My Uncle J.D. (John David) always called me his "namesake".  Here's to you J.D.  Here's to you Granny Love.  Here's to you Pop.  Here's to you Uncle Danny.

(8-31-2015)

Another Miracle!  I used. That's NOT the miracle.  The Universe.  We'll get to that in the next, Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog.  Another message came from The Universe -Live Life.  It was Cincinnati's suggestion.  Cincinnati coincidently enough posted a photo of himself and titled it - Live Life.  We has just discussed how The Universe  communicates to us, our way.  It was of him at night with a "light" behind him. 

His soul felt mine.  Art, especially visual art, speaks to me.  It's in in my soul.   "Heard."  Prayer helps.   "Write the short version."  I'll get to all of that.  For now, back to Burnside, Kentucky.  It's in my blood.  Here's to you Burnside, Kentucky!

I can't stay here much longer, Melinda
The sun is getting high
I can't help you with your troubles
If you won't help with mine
I gotta get down
I gotta get down
Gotta get down to the mine
You keep me up just one more night
I can't stop here no more
Little Ben clock says quarter to eight
You kept me up till four
I gotta get down
I gotta get down
Or I can't work there no more
Lotta poor man make a five dollar bill
Will keep him happy all the time
Some other fellow's making nothing at all
And you can hear him cry
Can I go, buddy, can I go down
Take your shift at the mine
Gotta get down to the Cumberland mine
Gotta get down to the Cumberland mine
That's where I mainly spend my time
Make good money, five dollars a day
If I made any more I might move away
Lotta poor man got the Cumberland Blues
He can't win for losing
Lotta poor man got to walk the line
Just to pay his union dues
I don't know now, I just don't know
If I'm coming back again
I don't know now, I just don't know
If I'm coming back again
I don't know now, I just don't know
If I'm coming back again

"I don't know now, I just don't know
If I'm coming back again"