Free

(I wrote this one 8/5/13.  Give or take a day.) 

(10/14/13 - I just realized I already used this song once - about the same subject I guess.  I try not to do that!)

It sure felt nice being down in my old neighborhood this morning.  I went down there to see my old friend off.  Tony was in town to see Phish.  He reminded me that I took him to his first Phish show in Louisville.  I had forgotten.  It's nice to be reminded of good memories.  Phish is fun. 
 
I'll never forget one year when Trey Anastasio played our neighborhood theater, The Warfield, on my birthday.  Susan bought us a ticket.  Trey took the show out onto Market Street that night - literally!  At then end, he opened the doors and had everyone follow him out and then back in.  Talk about a fun show.

I always loved The Dead for their lyrics.  Phish is a great band, but I never really "got" their lyrics.  I guess I kind of get them now.   "I see the path ahead of me, in a minute I'll be free."

I think the last time I actually saw Phish was about 10 years ago in Las Vegas.  Wow.  That's been a long time.  I had recently moved to San Francisco.  My friend Jerry was in town (not Garcia) and we drove to Vegas and met who else?  Tony and Lynn - and many other Phishheads.  That was a very good time.
 
Susan loved The Grateful Dead, but not so much Phish.  There are those who love both and those who love one or the other and not the other - if that makes sense.  I've heard Phish does not like to be compared to The Grateful Dead.  Phish could never deny that their "scene" and "following" was modeled after The Dead's.  The Dead pretty much created such a scene.  All jam bands owe them credit.  I like Phish.
 

Whenever Susan calls me, this is the photo I use for her.  She is the one who texted me this.  It is so Susan.

Tony (He gave me permission to use his name by the way.) and I go way back.  We met in the 6th grade.  We were in Ms. Vaughn's class (She didn't give me permission.  We never asked her permission for anything!  Go figure.).  Tony is one of the few friends of mine that actually met my mother.  I remember just before she died, she took Tony and I to see the movie Christine.  She loved horror movies.  She took us to the movies and she took her whoopee cushion.  That mother of mine never stopped making us laugh.

I had not seen Tony and his wife Lynn for probably 6 years!  Since they live in Colorado, we miss each other often.  Plus, I have been very absent from the real world for 3 years.  I have been somewhat absent for 10!  I have not even made it back to Cincinnati in the last 3.  I have been either homeless, in drug rehab or in the hospital.  Talk about tough times.  Just remembering those hard days make me grateful for these not as hard days.

This morning reminded me that I'm on my way back to the real world.  Speaking of old friends and being homeless, I ran into 4 of my old "friends" from the rehabs I have been in.  The first was from Wally World on Market Street.  He passed my "buddy" (I had to take one with me) and I and said "Hey family".  This is how we refer to each other at Wally World - Family.  It's a stretch I'll admit, but most of us have no one but each other.

The second was Rudy.  Anyone who read my blog a year ago would remember that Rudy was my nemesis.  Rudy tried to fight me - twice.  The second time put me in the office the first time before I got "exited".  Evil has it's way of working through others whether they know it or not.  Just being a bad person is enough of a vehicle for evil to work through.  Oh, by the way, Rudy was looking for drugs.  I get along with the a**hole when he's willing to get along with me.

I also saw Ronnie Van Zant.  He's a great guy.  I consider him a friend.  The first thing he said, in his Northern Florida, Southern accent was, "Your walking!"  He and Rudy both had heard about my "jump".  I saw Ronnie Van Zant a few weeks before I jumped.  He was clean and had a place to live.  At the time, he was on his way to a 12 step meeting.  I was heading to get more speed to shoot.  God has a way of putting Good in our path.  God's work can simply be done by just being a Good person doing Good things. 

It was up to me to choose the right thing to do over the wrong thing to do.  I have Free Will.  Tony knows a lot about Free Will.   Years ago when I was struggling, he tried to explain this to me. 

Back on that day when I saw Ronnie Van Zant on his way to a 12 step meeting, I chose to do the wrong thing.  He asked me to go with him.  I did not.  Unfortunately, my friend from Jacksonville is homeless again.  He did say he was clean.  He also said he'd come see me at Wally World.  I hope he does.

Then I saw "F*** me, suck me, Jack me off!"  That's the 80 year old looking woman who screamed that at our house meeting one morning as she was walking out of the meeting.  She never personally bothered me, but she stressed me out so much.  I hate to say it, but I don't miss her.  She fought with someone every day.  She was panhandling on the corner I used to panhandle.  I did hate to see her doing that - for her.  I don't wish that upon anyone.  I guess she brought it on herself as I did in my own, different, way.  I was not too Good back then either.  Actually, I was lost.
 
I can't wait to get back into the real world.  I'm on my way.  Having a little glimpse of freedom this morning felt nice.  It was Monday morning, so "Unity Weekend" was over.  I got to go visit Tony with a "buddy", Kimo.  Kimo buddies me all the time.  He's a good guy.  He's moving to Maine after the program and even discussed stopping in and seeing Tony on his way through Colorado.  
 
I can't wait to be Free again. I miss normal life.  I lost so much.  I miss Susan, but like Tony said this morning, "She is a good person and has a good place in life."  Tony has always been able to see it how it is.  Seeing him took me back to some good days.  It's as if we never missed a beat.  Tony has always known God in a way that I admire.  I leave it at that.  I don't like to talk about other peoples beliefs.  "God" is "Good" in this case. 
 
Tony is equivalent to a great human being.  He even bought me some aftershave!  I ran out of it this morning.  It's the aftershave Susan always bought me.  It is expensive, but it last me a couple of years.  It's from The Art of Shaving.  It's Sandalwood aftershave lotion.  It smell is mildly nice and it feels so good to put on after I shave.  It's my one luxury I get to keep.  I love it!   I obviously couldn't afford it.  The smell reminds me of Susan which is bitter sweet.  I'm sure it will remind me of Tony some now too!  That's a good thing.  Tony and his family were always there for me one way or another every since my mother died.
 
I really want out right now!   I have up to 6 months left here.  That sounds like a long time, but it's really not.  It will probably go by relatively quickly.    I hope to get out sooner than 6 months.  My Social Worker is aware of my desire.  I think she'll do as much as possible to get me where I want to be - on my own.  I want to at least be out before the holidays so I can come home to see my family.  It's been 3 years since I've seen them or anyone in Cincinnati.  One way or another,  freedom is approaching!  "In a minute I'll be free...."

 

I should have known we'd end up on this corner together someday.  This is the day they visited me at Wally World.  I was allowed to make a "store run".  They even bought me Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

Tony and his awesome wife, Lynn at Hippie Hill in Golden Gate Park.

 

 

It was great to see my old friend.  Many have referred to us as "Mutt and Jeff" over the years.  I have no idea who that is, but I guess Mutt is the short one.

 

I'm floating in the blimp a lot
I feel the feeling I forgot
of swimming weightless in the womb
or bouncing gently 'round the room
In a minute I’ll be free
and you’ll be splashing in the sea

I feel no curiosity
I see the path ahead of me
in a minute I'll be free
and you'll be splashing in the sea
we'll hear a tiny cry
as the ship goes sliding by