Yesterday

( I wrote this blog on July 30, 2013.  I think.)

In the last program I was in, I really cared.  I cared about the program and what it did.  It fed the homeless in my old neighborhood.  Not all programs can do that.  Not even I can do that.  Physically, I am unable.  I am not the person I used to be - physically.  Or, in many other ways for that matter.

I do an important role here.  I work the front desk.  I'm basically the operator when I do.  I take incoming calls and place outgoing calls for clients.  I also participate in the groups here.  I like the staff here.  I now get why some have to be so boldly strict the way they are.  This place is a zoo.

I can't imagine many of these clients being permitted to stay at many other rehabs after they way they act.  So many are so ungrateful and are ridiculously rude to everyone.  It's the same few all the time.  In my opinion, they need to go!  Go act that way on the street, where it doesn't belong but it exists.

I just have a hard time feeling committed to this place.  This doesn't mean I am not grateful for this place.  I am incredibly so.  I just find myself wanting out almost daily.  It's usually not even "something" that I am directly involved in that bothers me.  It's just other residents flip out on one another.  I do my best to avoid people here.  I'm always the first in the medication line.  It requires that I sit there longer before it begins, but it also means I don't have to be in line when the chaos starts, which is every time the line happens.  Everyday, someone who is working has to go to the front of the line so they can get back to their job function and every day someone cusses them out.  "You ain't f***ing getting in front of me!"

This morning during our house meeting that allows everyone to bring their concerns and ideas to the house, this 70 year old looking woman stood up and screamed, "F*** me, suck me, jack me off!"  and walked out of the room.  I really look forward to her departure.  She is so confrontational with everyone.  After a while, it would seem that people who fight with someone  different everyday might realize it's them that's the problem.  (9/30/13 - A few weeks later, she left.  I saw her panhandling on the corner I panhandled when I was homeless.  It was even sad to see her that way.)

I am learning not to take things personal even when they are personal.  It's not like me to not put up for myself, but it's just not worth it most of the time here.  The a**holes will ALWAYS be a**holes.  I shouldn't say that.  People change.  I'll pray for them....  OK I did.

All of this is hard for me.  I want to love everyone!  Perhaps sometimes the best way for me to do so is to ignore them.  I believe this one guy had fought with so many people here, that he finally came to me and app0logized to me for treating me in a "way in which he wouldn't want to be treated" as he himself put it.  That's progress, not perfection.  I do see people progressing, but I still don't have the energy for this program.

I don't like admitting this, but I truly am physically disabled.  Thanks to my rude doctor that I no longer will be going to, I will run out of pain medication before I was supposed to.  For the next 3 days, I will take only 100mg of morphine instead of 200mg.  (9/13/30 - I ended up taking only 50mg per day for 5 days.  Talk about withdrawal symptoms!  I was miserable.)

 

10-01-13 - See, Muni sees me as disabled.  Now, if only the government would open back up and Social Security would see me as so.

The first time I asked to be weaned off, I was only weaned off 50mg per day.  That was painful and I was in the hospital where I could have quickly requested it to be re-adjusted.  Yesterday, I did 50mg less.  Today, I have already reduced it  another 100mg.  It's very painful.  Last  night, I was in a lot of pain.  It took me back to the days of being in the hospital.  Actually, it was nowhere near that.  Well, maybe the later days of being in the hospital. 

The early days were SO incredibly painful.  AND, I couldn't move!  I had so may broken bones that I was unable to move at all and it hurt so bad.  My Goodness.  Thank you God that those days are over.  Thank you God that I am alive!  I mean that!

I am getting better.  I try to love EVERYONE, it's just hard.  I don't like even seeing my fellow clients/residents and I don't like feeling the way I feel.  I look forward to the day when I get to move on.  I pray for EVERYONE.  I do try to care.

(Later after the evening house meeting)
This place is so full of a**holes.  People just don't understand why I can't let the entire house use my pen.  Just now, about 4 people used it for the sign-in sheet.  I grabbed it and moved to another table so I could continue writing.  At that moment, a guy said, "Hey, can I use your pen?"  I said, "I can't let everyone, I'm trying to write."  I'm trying to learn to set my own boundaries.  He then said, "I got 2 pens.  I was just seeing if you would let me use it."  As I walked away without my cane because I was anxious, he said, "Yo, you forgot your cane."  I went back to get it.  He then said, "I hope you f***ing fall."

I have no idea what is wrong with these people.  Was that a joke?  It didn't sound like it at all.  I can't let everyone use my pen.  I didn't even know he was going to ask.  He had 2 pens!  Now he's saying, "That guy's pen is so valuable to him!"  The dude just won't let up.  The head games here never end.  Like I was writing earlier, it's not worth my putting up for myself in such situation.  It's best not to get into a fight with some punk who is just looking for a fight.

Well, I'm back to wanting out of here.  He'll be added to my "a**hole" thought that occurs in my head whenever I see a**holes walk by me in the hall here.  The list just grows.

It's ridiculous that I have to wonder whether or not I should bring a pen to every meeting.  I do it for me.  I always end up allowing quite a few people to use it - even when I need it!  This does waste my time and my pens have disappeared if I don't  continue to stand in the line.  Standing is not exactly something I can do all day anyway!

EVERYONE uses my pen!  It's ridiculous.  I need out of this place.  Actually, it's all of them (the a**holes) who need to be out of this place, but that won't happen.

Being in this difficult situation just makes me wonder why I couldn't get it together when I had so much.  I literally had an angel for so many years and I threw it all away.  I always asked myself, "WHY?  Why did I take so much for granted?"  

When life gets this frustrating, I usually turn to music. Music speaks to me so much.  I hate that I lost everything I lost in the recent past.  Music sometimes reminds me of you know who.  I get sad a lot lately.  I used to be happy when I got clean.  I lost so much, it's been hard to be happy these days.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.  Now it looks as though they're here to stay.  Oh, I believe in yesterday.  I really do miss everything I once had.

 

 

 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Mm mm mm mm mm mm

Brain Damage

(I wrote this one somewhere around 7/29/2013)

When I think back, I don't even know where I was back when I was using and forced myself to be with people - even at 12 step recovery meetings.  It was truly as if this entire city was aware of me and everything I did for the past 10 years.  It was really as if I was in a parallel universe.  Everyone around me was fed up with all the insane commotion I was bringing to this city and they verbally let me know this one way or another - IN REALITY!

I will likely focus on this a lot in the future.  I sometimes tell people about the voices and the parallel universe and the devil, aka "the big bad wolf", as he was known during my last relapse.  When I tell people how I was dragging my loved ones down into the darkness with me and they say, "you know that wasn't real, right?"  The answer - "It was for me!"  So much so that I jumped off a rooftop to kill myself and stop hurting the ones I loved in that universe.  This would allow the insane darkness I was applying to my loved ones to stop.  Was my suicide attempt real to everyone?  If something is real to you, isn't it real to me?  If something is real to me, isn't it real to you?

Allowing the devil to consume my soul and making a "deal" for my families souls was just too painful, creepy and scary.  The government tried as well.  After all, President Obama, in actual reality, did have a lot to do with me getting clean last time.  I literally and physically saw him waving to everyone from the back of his limo one morning when I was homeless.  Anyone who has read the beginning of my blog, Standing on the Moon, might remember how I was inspired to start writing again after almost a year and a half of being absent from the world.  I was newly divorced and had been homeless for 6 months.  I had lost nearly everything.  

Once I started dealing with the big bad wolf and also had President Obama involved, he was very interested as to how this whole "soul consumption" process would occur.  The government offered to neutralize my body with radio active microwave rays from a satellite.  It's as if I had gone back to the days of "The New World Order" and Tesla's creations.  This goes way back to the days before I was even on BlogSpot.  I may republish all of them some day.  I could do a prequel of sorts.

The rays from the satellite would shrink and crush my body to absolutely nothing.  They use this on their own spies who are captured and about to be tortured for information.  I assumed these spies believed they were heading somewhere good.  Or, at least no where at all and did not want to suffer and give up valuable information.  It was incredibly painful.  I could feel pressure throughout my entire body, especially my face.  I would hear my skull start to crackle.  It was so painful and freaky that I could never go through with the whole thing.

Something like this?

As everyone knows, the devil is not one to make deals with.  Obama once helped me just by being here .  I was not helping him by continuing to be in his head all the time when I relapsed and kept using.  I had to go.  What good is a crazy drug/sex addict in The Presidents head?  None.  I even realize this today.  Plus, I was dealing with the devil.  Having the devil in ones head will put them in hell.  Obama was now on his way.  He's the President!  If the devil could now access his head, then....  Way too much! 

The end of the world was coming if I did not stop.  I believe it was suppose to occur April, 1st 2013.  I had done too much damage.  Thankfully, for all of us, I put a stop to the insanity.  I think I'm joking.  It was so real to me.  If it was real to me, then wouldn't it have been real to you?   Hmm?  It was real to me....

All I ever had to do was stop using.  I can see that now.  Actually, that is what I did.  Thanks to God, I am still here.  Hell would have been "never ending".  The big bad wolf put it in these terms himself.  Those days were so dark.  I will be forever grateful that I am alive. 

That big bad wolf was creepier then one can possibly imagine.  He is super creepy.  He is after us all.    He'll never give up on me.  That's sad.  That's reality.

My existence would have been a never ending repeat of nightmarish scenes.  I was going to have to deal with everyone I ever hurt and brought to hell with me.  Whether they were really there or not for them, I never knew.  In my existence, they would have been.  Many of the voices in my head had been there waiting for me for so long.  It was exponentially longer than my time that was passing on earth.  That's they way hell works I guess.  My existence would have been a never ending nightmare of pain and suffering brought on by so many that I hurt.  It would have "never ended" for me. 

Thank God I survived that jump.  Literally.  I am forever grateful and intend to do all I can to help God for the rest of my life and "forever"!  I plan on an "eternal" existence these days!  Thank you so much God for giving me yet another opportunity to get it right.  If God loves me, he loves you.  This I promise you.

 

The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
Got to keep the loonies on the path
The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon
The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

Paranoid

(I wrote this one around 7/28/2013) 

I can't take it.  I can't.  I'm shaking.  These two ghetto a**holes will not get off the phone.  They keep cussing me out.  The phone was having technical problems first.  Then, once that stopped, they kept calling the same number over and over.  There is a 5 minute limit, whether their "ladies" want to talk to them or not.  When I tell you that, don't argue.   AND, don't walk up and tell me I'm wasting paper right now while I'm writing.  I guess because I'm writing too big (??).  STAY OUT OF MY F***ING BUSINESS.  I don't tell people what to do - EVER!

When I am told a rule, I follow it.  When people  start cussing me out because I tell them there are people in line waiting to use the phone and they have been on it for the last 15 minutes - 3 different times....  I need out of this place.  I really have to question this places benefit to me.  Other than the fact that it puts a roof over my head and feeds me three times per day.

Another a**hole flipped out on me when I told him the 5 minute rule.  He even made a direct call.  Clients are suppose to call me to make calls so I can dial and record the numbers.  It is possible to not go through me but one is not supposed to.  He also said I was asking him to get off the phone for my "buddies".  I have no idea who the people behind them were.  I told him I was "doing my job."  He said that I was doing my job for the "first time in (my) life!" 

My replacement who was supposed to show up at 1:00 did not show up by 1:10 so I left.  I had to.  On my way to my 2:00 meeting, I was asked by the person working the front desk, "Are you coming back?"  I was then asked by my boss, "You're supposed to be working your shift right now, what's up?"  I told her, "I just worked one."  We are not allowed to work 2 shifts in a row.  I'm the only person working 4 shifts all week.  Everyone else is only working 3!  It's clear on the schedule. 

I NEED OUT!  PLEASE!!

 

 

Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
People think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to pacify
Can you help me occupy my brain?
Oh yeah
I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find
I can't see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind
Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal
And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life I wish I could but it's too late

Another Good Man Gone

(I wrote this one around 7/27/2013)

I just realized how my using days weren't always bad.  Or, my life wasn't always bad.  I was on my way to trouble....
 
I remember right before I moved to San Francisco, we flew to Jamaica with Ekoostik Hookah - our old friends.  I was friends with those guys, but not nearly as close to them as some of my other friends were.  One of my friends was taught to play guitar by the absolutely amazing guitar player - Steve Sweeney.  I guess many friends of mine went to Ohio State and Hookah got their start in Columbus.  Hookah's base player, Cliff Starbuck, went over to one of my best friends home sometimes.  

They don't play much out west.  A few years ago, they played up in Eureka.  Susan and I went and saw them both nights.  I played pool with Dave Katz, the singer/guitar player/keyboardist.  Susan and I sat with the drummer, Eric Lanese, on the charted jet to Jamaica.  They are good guys.

 

 

Steve Sweeney in Eureka.

 
While that Jamaica trip was fun, I was starting to become the hardcore addict I am.  I remember going to a crack house in Negril.  Crack houses in Cincinnati's Over-the-Rhine were bad enough.  Wow!  I can't even write about what went on at that crack house.  I'm full of guilt that's for sure.  I WAS MARRIED back then.  I guess I've said too much already.
 
I was a very good person back when all I did was LSD, marijuana and alcohol and followed The Grateful Dead and Ekoostik Hookah.  It's when cocaine and then crack entered my life that I turned to the dark side.  Having sex on the floor with some Jamaican chick on the floor of a Jamaican crack house pretty much ruined that trip for me.  Otherwise, it was a beautiful trip.  Oh, then their was the drunk Jamaican woman on the beach. 
 
Jamaican women are too easy.    I wasn't even looking and I got some twice.  I feel guilty.  Still.  Very.  I wish I could go back to Jamaica now that I'm single.  Old behavior!!!  Stop it.  I really am not that person anymore.  I mean that.  I still feel guilty.  No wonder I'm single.  I doubt my ex-wife knows this.  I may have told her.  I told her about everyone I ever screwed.  I was so sick.  No wonder I'm so lonely.  The Universe has it's way of paying it's karma back one way or another, this I know.
 
I probably shouldn't write about all this, but it really was the beginning of hell on earth for me.  Actually, I did pick up prostitutes in Cincinnati's Over-the-Rhine, but that was almost always because they had good crack connections and access to a bombed out s*** hole to smoke it in.  It REALLY wasn't about sex for me that much back then. 
 
Going to prostitutes for crack was dishonest enough to my poor wife who believed I was the only faithful honest man left on this earth.  When we first met, I was.  Falling so low really tour my heart out.  As a clean human being, I am a good person.  I mean that.  Using, I am so bad.  Especially when I started shooting speed.  It was the lust of my life.  Sex was all I ever wanted.
 
Being so f***ed up that I had sex with two Jamaicans, one on a crack house floor, still bothers me today.  Actually, that's exactly how I got the first needle in my arm years later.  I was broke and hating crack because I knew that all I could think about during my first hit of crack was my next hit of crack.  Still, I was out looking for something, anything.
 
A prostitute invited me into her place and smoked some crystal meth with me.  I had only smoked it once before about a year before.  That night, I was broke and still not very sure of what was up nor was I very interested in being with someone.  I wasn't messed up yet.  I just thought she was being "nice".  She asked if I wanted to shoot it.  I did.   I know realize, it was a big first time hit - about 50 units. I guess it's one of those cases where the first one is free.  It would cost me more than money can ever be worth.
 
Darkness had me.  I remember that night so clearly.  She took me to her friends place at the top of a skyscraper and we shot some more and had some more sex.  I was hooked into the scene.  It was recorded on their webcam.  Later, this horrified me, but at the time, I was so high, I didn't care.  I was SO high.  I don't like to think about it because sickly enough, I want it a little bit still.  Not like I used to.  It doesn't give me that warming heart rush feeling like it used to.  Thank God.
 
The early days of getting hooked were so dark and ridiculous.  I went home and told Susan I shot up.  I left at the rest out - at the time.  I would eventually tell her.  I couldn't stop regretting how sick I was, but I also couldn't stop thinking about that rush that made me want to take my clothes off.  Every time I did a hit, I took my clothes off.  That's why I found my way to places like Land End or The Marine Headlands or Baker Beach or Golden Gate Beach or my own little private cove all the time.  I was a sick mess.  That's when I discovered "The New World Order".  It ended up actually being evil, which meant one thing - God exists! 
 
This blog was not supposed to go this way.  My life wasn't either.  I started off trying to remember the good days and write about where they led me.  A lot of people will tell me not to be so honest.  The Truth is so important.  I must live it.  More importantly, I must have a good honest life.  If I will always have to tell everyone everything about me, I must be a good person.  I can't misbehave.  I have to live in The Truth.  I just do.  Every way possible.
 
Details about my life don't  need to be told.  For instance, I hurt myself really bad by jumping off the roof of a parking garage.  I had a lot of internal damage.  I have a lot of restroom issues.  I can just leave it at that. 
 
I ended up having sex issues.  I'm a sex addict.  I can leave it at that.  That's enough.  That's too much.  Telling the details of being on the floor in having sex in a Jamaican crack house is simply to remind myself just how wrong that was.
 
I hate myself a lot lately.  That's not okay.  Almost everyday I say to myself, "I f***ing hate you", in my head.  I need to get over this.  It is the past I hate myself for, but I am constantly reminded of the past.  Everything I hear and see and everything I say.  Just mentioning the past starting this blog took me this direction.  The wrong direction.  That's the story of my life.  I need to be able to forgive myself.  That will be hard.
 
I am grateful to be alive.  I need to remain a good person to love myself.  I want to love myself.  I believe God loves me.  I believe God did not love the person I was or God at least didn't love the things I did.  There is nothing to love about my dark past.  I do hate it. 

I love music.  It really does speak to me.  I like to listen to it and I like to try to perform it.  I sure won't be performing it like my old friends, but I have a good time.

 

 

 

Reluctant hero of the family
His life played out like a tragedy
Music man was all he claimed to be

A flesh of brilliance like a shooting star
Etched in your mind for as long as you are
Give him five minutes, you could feel the music in his heart

Bringing joy to everyone
Taking pride in the work that he'd done
But we never really thought that he'd be gone
I was hoping there'd be just one more song

and now another man
Another good man gone
another man
Another good man gone

Singing melodies that warm my core
Never fittin' into a typical mold
Taking me back to the days of old

Telling tails of life and places he'd been
A profit of sorts to his father would kin
Visit him once and you knew you'd be back
Over and over and over and over again

You know he had a lot of fun
All in all it was a hell of a run
But we never really thought that he'd be gone
I was hoping there'd be just one more son

and now another man
Another good man gone
another man
Another good man gone

Remember how we laughed and how we cried
53 years til his heart grew tired
But he left his mark just like a branding iron

Sometimes still I hear the music play
A warm wind blowing all the clouds away
Lettin' the sunshine bright in the sky on a cold dark winter day

No one stays forever young
Nothin' for sure but the risin' of the sun
But I never really thought that he'd be gone
I was hoping there'd be just one more song 

Friends

(I think I wrote this blog 7/26/13)

When will a most of my fellow patients learn to bring a pen to all groups.  There is always a sign-in sheet and often opportunities to take notes.  When people don't bring pens, when will they learn that I am not the "go-to-guy" when it comes to ink pens.  Sure, I always have one, but I don't like losing them AND, I don't like standing in line after I already just stood in line waiting for everyone to use it.

Since I was the evening leader I did learn that for the big meetings, one in the morning and one at night, there does need to be a new script written and a "sign-in" system installed.  That system should include a clipboard and a pen attached by a string so that everyone will be able to sign in without constantly having to ask, "Anybody got a pen?"  (9/23/13 - I did write a proposal for this and gave it to my Care Coordinator.  She gave me a clipboard and pen right there on the spot.  I found a thick string and tied them together.  It lasted one meeting and then disappeared.)

I'm still the "go-to-guy" for my work assignment, however, today I was actually able to get someone to agree to work for me the equal amount of time in which she needed me to work for her!  She asked what I was doing today.  I told her I was working.  She said she needed someone to fill in for her.  I told her she could trade me an hour.  She agreed.  Improvement!

My goodness, the other day, one of my "co-workers" told me how she wanted to work more.  This is the one who flipped out on me when I let her know I would start my shift after I took my medication.  Meds start at 4:00.  My shift started at 4:00.  Since I had to work, I got to go the front of line - with lots of grief., of course.  I got to the desk to work at 4:02.

That co-worker is never on-time for her shift.  I know this from the times she starts after me.  She has never been there at starting time.

The other day, she needed me to work for her.  She used her baby talk to ask me.  When I gave her a valid excuse as to why I could not, she transformed into her ghetto, "Nobody will F***ing work for me!"

When we work during a lunch shift, we are to get someone to fill in for us so we can eat.  This is always a challenge.  That same day, no one had come to offer to work for me, so I finally went into the dining area and saw her.  She had just that morning said how she wanted to work more, so I asked her if she could work for me while I ate really quickly. She flipped out on me!  She screamed, "I ain't workin' know ones shift!" 

I will never work for her.  I don't say that about anyone.  Next time she asks, I'll remind her that she "...she never works for anyone," so....  (9/23/13 -  I recall a few days later she did ask me to work for her.  She wanted to smoke a cigarette with 15 minutes left on her shift.  I, as I do for everyone, said, "Sure.  I just have to sign in to the last meeting first."  I had not yet done so.  Then,  while waiting in line to do so, I remembered how she wouldn't fill in for me so I could eat!  I didn't bother confronting her, I just went up the back steps that allowed me to avoid her.)  I hate feeling like this, but I'll appreciate my freedom more someday. 

(lunch)
Things may be changing a bit.  Someone who flipped out on me a couple of days ago just sat down to have lunch with me and apologized.  He said he would not liked to have been treated the way treated me the other day.  He blamed his anxiety.  I really did appreciate it.  He's fighting with people all the time.  He's probably running out of possible friends.  I'll try.

(after lunch)
Just now, someone walked by the front desk and said, "Hi Dave."  I said, "Hello."  He then said, "I just thought I'd be nice to you."  A few minutes ago, someone called in to get a "save plate" for lunch and told me how much they really liked me.  He refers to me as many do here, "The little guy with the cane."

My Care Coordinator really likes me.  So does my Therapist.  They both let me know this this morning in our weekly meetings.  I guess it really does pay to be a nice person.  Even the "hard to get along with" guy wants to be my friend.  It's just become a friendly day.  That sure beats some of the "F*** You" kind of days I sometimes get.  Things will be okay here.  I have faith.

Bright light almost blinding, black night still there shining,
I can't stop, keep on climbing, looking for what I knew.

Had a friend, she once told me, "You got love, you ain't lonely,"
Now she's gone and left me only looking for what I knew.

Mmm, I'm telling you now, The greatest thing you ever can do now,
Is trade a smile with someone who's blue now, It's very easy just...

Met a man on the roadside crying, without a friend, there's no denying,
You're incomplete, they'll be no finding looking for what you knew.

So anytime somebody needs you, don't let them down, although it grieves you,
Some day you'll need someone like they do, looking for what you knew.

Mmm, I'm telling you now, The greatest thing you ever can do now,
Is trade a smile with someone who's blue now, It's very easy just...

Comes A Time

(I wrote this blog 7/24/13)
 
For as difficult as things can be in this zoo, one thing I AM grateful for is my room.  It is small, but I have just one roommate.  He is on the top bunk.  I have turned my bottom bunk into a tent of sorts.  I have hung sheets and blankets down the side to help keep it dark and to give me a sense of privacy.
 
My roommate hardly speaks a word.  He is also a very neat and clean person like me.  I am learning that I have about a 50/50 chance of having a difficult roommate.  I hope he sticks around as long as I do. 
 
So far, today is going smoother than yesterday.  Yesterday, I had two ghetto gangster thugs using the phone and having no respect or gratitude for their phone use.  They acted like they owned this place.  I very nicely asked them to respect the posted 5 minute limit which they were both way over and both said I was doing it for my friends and threatened to kick my butt.  I have no idea who the people were behind them.  Rules are rules.  I haven't seen them yet today.  They probably left.

I really don't like feeling the way I feel here.  When the bad starts to outweigh the good, I really start to seriously consider my possibilities to move on.  I hate to rush things, but....

Yesterday, coincidently enough, I got a call from the organization that is eventually going to provide me housing.  I got a call from my usual social worker there and from a woman who wants to "come by to review my living situation."  Like I always say, "There is no such thing as a coincidence."

While I've never really wanted to do residential, I did have a bit of a choice this time.  I could have probably went straight from the hospital to an apartment of some sorts if I wanted to - I think.  I would have had to advocate for myself, but that actually would have been easier than being in this place.  I thought it was very important that I go into rehab this time.  After all, a relapse is essentially a death sentence.

I now feel like I'd be better off in my own place doing and outpatient program and going to 12 step meetings.  It would be so much less hardcore drama to have to deal with, that's for sure.

I have a lot more issues this time than ever before.  Being perfectly healthy in an inpatient recovery program is hard enough.  Having all the disabilities and brain damage I do makes it extremely difficult.

I hate complaining all the time.  It is much more peaceful today.  Early in the week, this place is a lot more full of people just coming off the street from the weekend.  As the week moves forward, people leave.  I am heading in the right direction.  I look forward to the day when I can choose who to be around in more ways than I can now.  All of this crazy atmosphere I have to endure is making me stronger - this I know.

I know one thing, it sure beats my using days when I was the one on the street all the time.  Back when I'd "...Been walking all morning went walking all night.  I (couldn't) see much difference between the dark and light...."  I was so lost back then.  I knew there would "(Come) a time."  Actually, I didn't know.  I hoped.  I prayed.  I knew it was something "Only love (could) fill."  That love has gratefully come from so many.  That love came from God.

I miss my computer!   It's coming.  So is everything I've dreamed of for years now.  Those dreams are coming.  Life is going to show back up - thank you God!  "Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?   Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe.
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
Only love can fill.

Been walking all morning went walking all night
I can't see much difference between the dark and light
And I feel the wind and I taste the rain
Never in my mind to cause so much pain.

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe.
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
Only love can fill.

From day to day just letting it ride.
You get so far away from how it feels inside.
You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall,
But the day may come when you can't feel at all.

The words come out like an angry stream.
You hear yourself say things you could never mean.
When you cool down you find your mind.
You got a lot of words you've got to stand behind.

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe.
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
Only love can fill, only love can fill, only love can fill.

Birthday

(I wrote this blog July 23rd, 2013 - Susan's Birthday)

Today is Susan's birthday.  I hope and pray she has a good one.

I am grateful to be alive.  I NEED OUT OF THIS PLACE!  It is full of negative energy.  I can't really take it.  The bad is really starting to outweigh the good.  So many times I have attempted to be a kind "normal" person, and people are so rude to me.

It's not worth even explaining, but I probably will.  I'm so tired of people here.  If they are not telling me what to do or telling me I'm and asshole, they are telling me how the always had a crush on me and how "we're going to be in a room f***ing!"

This new guy will not leave me alone.  He is out of his mind.  This is a dual diagnosis facility, but in many ways, it's making me crazy.  I remember him on the street, but I didn't know that's how he felt!  I didn't even know he was gay.

Apparently, I am someone who is considered to have issues.  I mean, I did jump off the  5th floor the rooftop of a parking garage.  Not many people in this building have done anything THAT crazy, but some are crazier than I am.  Some are just off the street a**holes who think you're an a**hole for trying to help them, but in the end, not being able to do so.  I just don't get people around here.

I have to make it through this place.  Sometimes, I just feel it's not really helping me.  The groups are usually good, but the circus side show act is just overwhelming.  I mean, when I see someone coming towards me or they are in the same room with me and I feel the way I do - it's not okay.  I don't like "disliking" people.

I dread going down to the medication room because I am currently working and I will have to go to the front of the line.  Last night, when I had to do this, the guy at the front of the line said I was an "a**hole".

I don't make the rules.  I also have never cared when someone who is working goes in front of me.  I'm sure the same people who don't like me going to the front of the line would also not like it if I was not working the front desk if they needed to make a phone call since I am essentially the house operator.

I follow the rules.  Just now for instance, a different guy who once gave me crap about having to go to the front and just yesterday told me how I needed to "slow down" when I was in a rush to get out of here for my Social Security appointment, just walked up to me and asked if he could use my mobile phone.  "No."  That's the rule here.  And, this guy has been nothing but wrong to me.  People here are so difficult to understand.

That's the way it goes here all the time.  People treat me like s*** until they need anything - like me to work for them.  Or , use my ink pen to sign in for a group.  I swear no one has a pen here but me.  We have to wait in a long line to sign in.  If the 20 people behind me don't have a pen, which is usual, they all want to borrow mine.  I have to stand there and wait so my pen doesn't disappear.  I'm not good at standing these days and, I don't want to.

I know it sounds petty, but there are just so many things.  I put myself here.  I told myself that I would never land myself in another program after being in the last.  I did not complete that one.  I will do what is required of me to leave this one on good terms.  That seems to be how it goes here.  I've yet to hear of a graduation.

Writing does help.  I need to get typing.  I'm not sure how all this will work.  I'll never have my computer here.  Even if it were permitted, it would be stolen anyways.

I pray for the day when I have my own place to live.  I pray I never use again.  It's no wonder I tried to kill myself.  Actually, that's a simple way to look at it.  It's so much more dark and complicated and insane than all that.  If I believed I could simply cease to exist, that would be different.   Years ago, I used to wish I was never born, but I was.

I believe we have souls.  I am grateful for this, but I sure have put myself in a difficult situation to be in.  I'm tired.

I just want to be able to tell Susan to have a Happy Birthday!  Oh yeah, that reminds me, thank God she got the card I made her.  She got it today - on her Birthday!

That is one thing that keeps me going here - doing anything for people.  Writing this blog is one of those things.  Since I don't have my camera and printer to make cards, I do so with crayons, pencils and paint.

I'm am so grateful Susan is healthy and, I believe, happy.  I feel so bad for all I ever did wrong to her and for losing her.  I still believe that in many ways, she got everything she always wanted and deserves.  It didn't come from me because I'm such a mess, but God gave her what she deserves because she is an incredibly Good person.

I'm going to be okay.  God is with me.  This I have to believe.  I want to call Susan and wish her a Happy Birthday.  She texted me and said she just got this today.  I'm so glad.  Happy Birthday Susan. 

 I miss you and I will always love you. 
Please take care of yourself  & Phil!
I miss him too! 

 

 

No Smoking Proposal

(9/19/13)

We are required to write proposals at Wally World for things we believe would be beneficial.  On weekends, we are "locked in" to the courtyard because the program is understaffed and they cannot watch us all, all the time.  The program is full of smokers which means the courtyard is full of smoke.  As a non-smoker who used to smoke and would like to get fresh air, and may even be triggered by smoking, this is a real problem.  I'll be sure to post the decision.  Below is the proposal I wrote:

“No Smoking” Section Proposal

815 Buena Vista West is a beautiful facility with a beautiful courtyard. Since the facility is under staffed on the weekends, it is necessary for the gate to the courtyard to be closed. This means that our outdoor environment is relatively small for 108 clients. Since this recovery program is full of addicts, most of them smoke. This makes for and incredibly smoky courtyard with nowhere for non-smokers to be outside so that they may get FRESH AIR. 

California has a state law that smoking must be done at least 20 feet from a door. Even this law is not followed in this programs courtyard. We do have people in the program who are in wheelchairs who smoke and cannot get 20 feet from the door as a result of the small front porch with a step. I do understand their situation.

California Law states that this includes all air intakes – including windows. I have a room overlooking the courtyard. I love my room, but it does smell a bit smoky some mornings. It is not as smoky as the courtyard on weekends and it is not bad enough for me to want a room change. However, I do enjoy being outdoors where someone is not smoking right next to me.

Being a non-smoker makes cigarette smoke incredibly noticeable and irritating. I am someone who started smoking when I was 12. I also started using drugs when I was 12. For me, smoking has always been a part of my addiction. If I use drugs, I smoke. And, if I start smoking, I will soon be using drugs. Seeing people smoke, in some ways, is a trigger for me. 

If I were to start smoking, I would likely start using. If I were to start using, I would likely kill myself. This sounds pretty dramatic – because it is. I am not nearly as triggered by people smoking as I would be by people sitting around out there shooting up, but people sitting around smoking is not something I choose to be around so that I will not be triggered. I do choose not to be outside unless I can be in a smoke free area. During the week, this is very possible. During the weekend, it is impossible. 

I like being outside and I like FRESH AIR. Sometimes, I do go out there and sit on the red bench down the stairs on the side of the building. Smokers usually do not venture down there. I feel this would be a great “no smoking” section out there. Actually, State Law prohibits smoking in this area anyway. I believe a “NO SMOKING” sign is all that would be required. This would allow non-smokers an opportunity to sit outside on the weekends to enjoy the FRESH air. I would love to read or write while out there. Or, talk on the phone. Sometimes my roommate takes naps on the weekends and I do not want to bother him by talking on the phone in our room – so, I am required to go outside.

I believe all of the areas on both sides of the main entrance walkway, down the hills which are also beside the building would be good potential “NO SMOKING” sections. I have heard other people, including staff, who have windows in these areas say that they would like for people to not smoke below there windows. My window is right above the benches where people smoke. This is exactly where California Law applies and a “NO SMOKING FOR 20 FEET” sign would be appreciated.

I may only be here a couple more months, but believe this would be great for all future Walden House non-smoking residents. It will also be helpful for those who are trying to quit smoking to have a place to hang out and be social without having to be triggered my others smoking right in front of them. I know that for those who are trying to quit, being around smokers is hard. People who are trying to quit and non-smokers deserve a place to be outside and get FRESH AIR and to socialize.

After writing this, I heard that the areas I mentioned are already non-smoking sections. I am sure that this is true since it is a state law. All that is likely needed are some signs. There are many signs available “for sale” online. There are also signs that can be printed “for free”. This requires internet access. I would be glad to print some with staff supervision. They would work, but would not be waterproof. Seeing as though San Francisco’s rainy season is approaching, plastic ones will be needed eventually.

I really believe that instating this proposal would make Walden House a better place to live a healthy and clean life. Thank you for your consideration,

Sincerely,

David Beaty

(9/20/13)
I handed this in to the director of the program this morning.  He asked, "What's this?"  I briefly explained.  He said, "Sounds like a good idea."  He's a smoker too.  He and I have had are run ins, but I do respect him as director in many ways.  We're getting closer too.  Finally.

Ripple

(I wrote this blog July 19^th, 2013)

Other Client: “Whats up Dave?”

Me: “I’m waiting on my social worker to arrive.”
Other patient: “Spot me two dollars?”

Sometimes, being a nice guy really doesn’t “pay”. I gave this kid a couple of lemon drops I bought at Walgreens yesterday. I never ask anyone for anything, even if they just gave me something. I don't mind giving someone candy, but that doesn't mean I have money. In fact, he probably just made it to where I'll never give him candy again. It is against Wally World rules to loan anything. This kid is a little punk, but I was trying to be nice.

The other day Walgreens had a bag of individually wrapped lemon drops that are usually $1.09 for $0.69! I bought 3 bags one day and 2 bags the next. I have very little money and like sweets. The sale only lasts a week, so I had to stock up! They should last a while. Since I have so many lemon drops and so many people here have so little, I don't mind giving people something sweet. Just don't ask me for anything – not even a lemon drop!

Another client that I gave some lemon drops asked me for some more “candy” the next day. I guess I set myself up. If someone gave me something, I would not ask for more. I guess I used to ask Susan for “more”, but we were married and I was a mess. We are here to change and lemon drops are not drugs. I hate that I got to a point in life where I had to ask her or anyone for anything. I used to ask her to buy me a candy bar all the time, when I was coming down. We get all we need here to live so I accept and greatly appreciate that. They should greatly appreciate their lemon drops and don't expect anything else from me. I just don't have much to offer, so don't ask! I sound so mean.

I have had to go to Walgreens two days in a row, thanks to Dr. Zoo who made my life so much harder. Today, will be my third trip - if my prescriptions have been approved. I have a lot of physical issues to go along with the emotional and mental issues addiction creates. The least I would like is a nice and understanding doctor who actually helps me feel better.

Life in recovery was hard before I tried to kill myself and became a physical mess. It’s even harder now. It’s no wonder I tried to kill myself. I remember so badly not wanting to go into a recovery program at the end of my last two month run. The last rehab I was in was bad enough to make me feel that way. I used to go to recovery meetings at inpatient rehabs to remind myself just how bad things were. I was always grateful, but things were always hard – because of my fellow clients.

I didn’t think it would be this hard. I never thought I’d try to kill myself either. Every time my I shot speed, I’d end up hearing voices. This last time, I was dealing with the devil himself and was dragging my loved ones down into the darkness with me - this could not happen!

The thing is, every time I’d start to come down, I’d start to not want to believe in the Parallel Universe, even though it was still with me - to a lesser degree. I came way down! My depression and desire to use again was greater than the insanity occurring in the parallel Universe that was becoming way to close to reality. I was stuck in the downward spiral that I always found myself when using until something bad would happen to me. I figured the devil or the government didn’t get to me “last time”. I had been hearing voices for years and was supposed to do things that I never did and things got better whenever I quit using – until I would use again.

Every time I used, it was ALWAYS going to be the last time. I was only going to use, “one more time”. I never believed I would actually die – even though I had come close to dying in the past. I certainly never believed I’d be responsible for my death – even though I was heading that way already. In years past, I had considered suicide, but never tried. This time, my death was inevitable. I was “dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.”

It was so dark this last time. Everything had gone so wrong. I was so lost. I had already lost so much. I started to get a little of it back, but I was quickly losing it and more. It really did become a Ripple effect. I had so many chances already and prior to my relapse, things really were good and I was heading the right direction.

I've been through so many hard things. I guess remembering those days makes people asking me for anything so insignificant. It's still frustrating. I am in such a different place than those days. These days are difficult, but it's hard to describe just how horrible those days were. I could always escape to the lust of my life back then. That is also hard to describe. I don't like to think about it too much. If I do, I want it.

Today, I have to deal with everything. I must deal with “life on life's terms.” That is a good thing. I just hate dealing with difficult people, especially the ones I try to be nice to. I guess all I need to be able to do these days is say “no”. Perhaps they are simply helping me learn to set my boundaries. Perhaps I should appreciate them for that. That would be hard for me to do.

 

If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung,
Would you hear my voice come thru the music,
Would you hold it near as it were your own?

It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken,
Perhaps they're better left unsung.
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air.

Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty,
If your cup is full may it be again,
Let it be known there is a fountain,
That was not made by the hands of men.

There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.

Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.

You who choose to lead must follow
But if you fall you fall alone,
If you should stand then whos to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home.

La dee da da da, la da da da da, da da da, da da, da da da da da
La da da da, la da da, da da, la da da da, la da, da da.

One of Us

(I wrote this blog July 18, 2013)

So God created humankind in his image, in the image he created them; male and female he created them.

-Genesis 1:27

I really want out.  It's just the people.  I will stick around AND I will be better for doing so.  It's just a tough hardcore environment to be in. 

I am always grateful to be alive.  I am also grateful that I do not act the way the people who make me feel the way I do act.  I have to believe that they are not very happy.  I don't know.  I'm not very happy and I treat people with respect.  I am constantly treated with no respect here.

I just got some unsolicited advice also.  My "boss", aka "the ramrod", for the job I do here just ask how I was.  I told her the truth - depressed.  She went on to tell me how she sees me on the phone all the time.  She said I needed to stop complaining about my situation, such as my bad back.  The truth is, I do complain sometimes, but I complain about the difficult situations I face daily - not my physical condition.  And, if I did tell my family about my aching back, it's not wrong.  My family does care.  I actually talk to them just to talk to them and see how they are.  Occasionally, people here drive me crazy or steel my property and I do vent to my family.  I never complain about my physical health - which is a mess. I wish people here would stay out of my business.  I stay out of every ones.

So many people here love to tell others what to do.  In the outpatient program I did so many times over years past, we were only allowed to speak in "I" statements.  We were not even allowed to say "You". I think that is so great. I live by that.  I bet that's obvious!  I even implemented it at Christian Chaos.  I should implement it at Wally World.   There is nothing more belittling than hearing, "You should...because you...if you would...."  People really need to imagine themselves in ones situation, draw from their own experience and change there way of speaking to, "I would... and if I...  then...I...."  Make sense?  It sure feels better to the person receiving the "advice". I always practice this way of communicating.

This is just a tough place to be.  Unfortunately, I am becoming the "go to guy" at the front desk.  While being this, in many cases, is a good thing, it's not the greatest thing.  It does say I am an approachable hard worker, but it is starting to mean I get overworked.  This even occurred to me at Christian Chaos.  It is starting to occur here now.

Basically, when people cannot work a shift, the "go to guy" is me.  So far, I have had ONE thing come up for me that I had to find a replacement.  It was a doctors appointment.  The difference between me and everyone else is, I "trade" shifts.  And, I choose my schedule based on my weekly calendar.  I have at least 2 or 3 doctor appointments per week that I have to schedule around and I never miss work.
 
This morning, someone ask me what my day was like. She too works the front desk so, I assumed that she needed to know because she wanted me to fill in for her. I let her know that I worked this afternoon and that I had to meet with my counselor and my therapist this morning.   Technically, we are only supposed to work one shift per day.  I  learned that the morning was the time she needed me to work. Although I had appointments, I was available for 1 ½ hours of the time she needed me to fill in. She let me work for her, but did not offer to work 1 ½ hours for me later today during my shift. I had just told her I was working tonight.   I would always offer to trade someone without thinking twice - especially if they just helped me out by filling in for a time I needed go somewhere.

It’s not like I work THAT MUCH! I can handle it, but it gets to be the principle. And, if I didn’t complain about all this BS, it piles up inside me and drive me nuts. Venting helps me. I don’t name names or talk about people to others, so having this outlet helps me. My readers don’t know my fellow clients and my fellow clients don’t know my readers – for the most part.   And, I don’t ever use names. I just have to vent.

Writing positive things helps me even more. I do try to do that. It’s just that I haven’t had many positive things to write about lately.

 

I really like this sign that hangs outside of Wally World.  That's positive!   It's a positive example of positive writing.  I took photo with my phone on one of my walks around the building.  Don't tell The Director!  We are not allowed to take photographs while here!  I'm such a rule breaker.  That's not positive, but neither is that rule.

 

I am so grateful to be alive. I love this new staff member too. She just walked by and said, “Hello.” She is so nice.

I am also grateful I can write while I work. This 4:00PM to 7:00PM shift is not busy at all. I usually work 10:00AM to 1:00Pm or 1:00PM to 4:00PM.

(The front desk just got really busy)

I spoke too soon!  My goodness, I just unleashed “something”!   These people here have just recently come from hardcore situations – usually. All of them are addicts. Some come from off the street. Some come from prison. It’s just a really tough place to exist.  People here can be so harsh.  "YOU...YOU...YOU...!"

Speaking of coming from the street, today I ate lunch with the clients who are in the detox program. Thank goodness I am where I am and not in detox anymore.   1 ½ years ago, I was in and out of detox four times when I was homeless.   Back then it really felt like a step up.   However, back then, I was afraid of being with people. I kind of see why now!   Some of these people are scary people to be around!  However, today I will always choose to live in faith over fear.  Back then, I was very different because I was caught up in my addiction.  EVERYTHING was scary, except the lust of my life which was a needle full of evil.

Coming from the hospital actually makes this place feel like a big step down now for me. Before, I was insane and afraid of people but staying clean a few days helped all that. Being off the street and in a bed with roof over my head was so much better than shooting crystal meth on the streets of San Francisco. I just came from a brand new hospital that is always spotless! And, the staff and other patients were usually very kind there.  Here, they are and it is....  It’ll all be okay.

I’m not complaining. I’m blogging. Many will never experience the life I write about.  This is why I write about it.  God found a way to me. Actually, I found a way to evil first.  Then, I realized, "Holy cow, if evil exist, then...." God has a way of getting to and working with EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. If God can take someone like me out of the darkness that I put myself – that’s amazing! Actually, God is capable of EVERYTHING. Staying on God’s side is all we have to do. Just because God is capable of EVERYTHING doesn’t mean life won’t be difficult at times. Even for those who choose to lead very Good lives will struggle with many things. They can be the ones who question God, which is a good start.  God has amazing ways of getting to us.

Honestly, I really don’t know how it all works, I just know God will always be the answer to everything. God has already won. We just need to be on God’s side. I do know this much.

I’m having a very difficult time lately. I put myself here. God is even with someone like me. Actually, God is probably especially with someone like me – because someone like me needs God. Just writing about God for the past few minutes has changed the way I feel. My entire body feels better. That’s what God does for me. I love God so much. God loves me. I know this and I will be forever grateful.

As long as I stay clean and with God, God will stay with me.  I am certain of this. Even if things get hard, as they are, he is with me. This I do know. Knowing this and being aware of this changes everything for me. I’ll end it with that.

 

If God had a name, what would it be
And would you call it to His face
If you were faced with Him in all His glory
What would you ask if you had just one question

Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home

If God had a face, what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like Heaven and in Jesus and the Saints
And all the Prophets and... 

Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 

What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home

Tryin' to make His way home
Back up to Heaven all alone
Nobody callin' on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home

Just tryin' to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to Heaven all alone
Just tryin' to make his way home
Nobody callin' on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome