Yesterday

( I wrote this blog on July 30, 2013.  I think.)

In the last program I was in, I really cared.  I cared about the program and what it did.  It fed the homeless in my old neighborhood.  Not all programs can do that.  Not even I can do that.  Physically, I am unable.  I am not the person I used to be - physically.  Or, in many other ways for that matter.

I do an important role here.  I work the front desk.  I'm basically the operator when I do.  I take incoming calls and place outgoing calls for clients.  I also participate in the groups here.  I like the staff here.  I now get why some have to be so boldly strict the way they are.  This place is a zoo.

I can't imagine many of these clients being permitted to stay at many other rehabs after they way they act.  So many are so ungrateful and are ridiculously rude to everyone.  It's the same few all the time.  In my opinion, they need to go!  Go act that way on the street, where it doesn't belong but it exists.

I just have a hard time feeling committed to this place.  This doesn't mean I am not grateful for this place.  I am incredibly so.  I just find myself wanting out almost daily.  It's usually not even "something" that I am directly involved in that bothers me.  It's just other residents flip out on one another.  I do my best to avoid people here.  I'm always the first in the medication line.  It requires that I sit there longer before it begins, but it also means I don't have to be in line when the chaos starts, which is every time the line happens.  Everyday, someone who is working has to go to the front of the line so they can get back to their job function and every day someone cusses them out.  "You ain't f***ing getting in front of me!"

This morning during our house meeting that allows everyone to bring their concerns and ideas to the house, this 70 year old looking woman stood up and screamed, "F*** me, suck me, jack me off!"  and walked out of the room.  I really look forward to her departure.  She is so confrontational with everyone.  After a while, it would seem that people who fight with someone  different everyday might realize it's them that's the problem.  (9/30/13 - A few weeks later, she left.  I saw her panhandling on the corner I panhandled when I was homeless.  It was even sad to see her that way.)

I am learning not to take things personal even when they are personal.  It's not like me to not put up for myself, but it's just not worth it most of the time here.  The a**holes will ALWAYS be a**holes.  I shouldn't say that.  People change.  I'll pray for them....  OK I did.

All of this is hard for me.  I want to love everyone!  Perhaps sometimes the best way for me to do so is to ignore them.  I believe this one guy had fought with so many people here, that he finally came to me and app0logized to me for treating me in a "way in which he wouldn't want to be treated" as he himself put it.  That's progress, not perfection.  I do see people progressing, but I still don't have the energy for this program.

I don't like admitting this, but I truly am physically disabled.  Thanks to my rude doctor that I no longer will be going to, I will run out of pain medication before I was supposed to.  For the next 3 days, I will take only 100mg of morphine instead of 200mg.  (9/13/30 - I ended up taking only 50mg per day for 5 days.  Talk about withdrawal symptoms!  I was miserable.)

 

10-01-13 - See, Muni sees me as disabled.  Now, if only the government would open back up and Social Security would see me as so.

The first time I asked to be weaned off, I was only weaned off 50mg per day.  That was painful and I was in the hospital where I could have quickly requested it to be re-adjusted.  Yesterday, I did 50mg less.  Today, I have already reduced it  another 100mg.  It's very painful.  Last  night, I was in a lot of pain.  It took me back to the days of being in the hospital.  Actually, it was nowhere near that.  Well, maybe the later days of being in the hospital. 

The early days were SO incredibly painful.  AND, I couldn't move!  I had so may broken bones that I was unable to move at all and it hurt so bad.  My Goodness.  Thank you God that those days are over.  Thank you God that I am alive!  I mean that!

I am getting better.  I try to love EVERYONE, it's just hard.  I don't like even seeing my fellow clients/residents and I don't like feeling the way I feel.  I look forward to the day when I get to move on.  I pray for EVERYONE.  I do try to care.

(Later after the evening house meeting)
This place is so full of a**holes.  People just don't understand why I can't let the entire house use my pen.  Just now, about 4 people used it for the sign-in sheet.  I grabbed it and moved to another table so I could continue writing.  At that moment, a guy said, "Hey, can I use your pen?"  I said, "I can't let everyone, I'm trying to write."  I'm trying to learn to set my own boundaries.  He then said, "I got 2 pens.  I was just seeing if you would let me use it."  As I walked away without my cane because I was anxious, he said, "Yo, you forgot your cane."  I went back to get it.  He then said, "I hope you f***ing fall."

I have no idea what is wrong with these people.  Was that a joke?  It didn't sound like it at all.  I can't let everyone use my pen.  I didn't even know he was going to ask.  He had 2 pens!  Now he's saying, "That guy's pen is so valuable to him!"  The dude just won't let up.  The head games here never end.  Like I was writing earlier, it's not worth my putting up for myself in such situation.  It's best not to get into a fight with some punk who is just looking for a fight.

Well, I'm back to wanting out of here.  He'll be added to my "a**hole" thought that occurs in my head whenever I see a**holes walk by me in the hall here.  The list just grows.

It's ridiculous that I have to wonder whether or not I should bring a pen to every meeting.  I do it for me.  I always end up allowing quite a few people to use it - even when I need it!  This does waste my time and my pens have disappeared if I don't  continue to stand in the line.  Standing is not exactly something I can do all day anyway!

EVERYONE uses my pen!  It's ridiculous.  I need out of this place.  Actually, it's all of them (the a**holes) who need to be out of this place, but that won't happen.

Being in this difficult situation just makes me wonder why I couldn't get it together when I had so much.  I literally had an angel for so many years and I threw it all away.  I always asked myself, "WHY?  Why did I take so much for granted?"  

When life gets this frustrating, I usually turn to music. Music speaks to me so much.  I hate that I lost everything I lost in the recent past.  Music sometimes reminds me of you know who.  I get sad a lot lately.  I used to be happy when I got clean.  I lost so much, it's been hard to be happy these days.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.  Now it looks as though they're here to stay.  Oh, I believe in yesterday.  I really do miss everything I once had.

 

 

 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Mm mm mm mm mm mm