太陽出來了 or Tàiyáng chūláile (Here Comes The Sun in Chinese)

(I wrote this blog 9/20/13)

“Jo Sun”. That is good morning in Cantonese. I was training a Chinese kid this morning to work the front desk. I am unofficially the “assistant Ramrod”. That works for me. I could do the job now, but I’m still glad I don’t. That little Punk Ass who wanted to be it back when I was chosen and I gladly handed it over, did in fact straighten it up some. Actually, it probably has more to do with the bad people leaving and good ones coming in. Punk Ass probably doesn’t deserve credit. He always told me I was the best Nexus (Front Desk) worker, but he probably said that to everyone. Somehow, the Punk A** is my friend. He’s just never stops messing with everyone – constantly. He even proudly owns this fact.

I have settled in. I am even getting along with the Director. I have always respected him, but we just never really hit it off for a while. He’s a good guy. In fact, this morning, I handed in a “Non-Smoking Section” proposal and he said he thought it was a good idea! Wow! I mean it is a good idea, but I didn’t expect such praise! He smokes himself. He is a good person though. He’s just tough on us sometimes. In some cases, it makes sense.

I truly have settled in. I think it just took a while for people to see that I genuinely do care. I don’t want anything from anyone. I like helping others anyway I can – just don’t ask me for anything. So many people here want to borrow money or use my phone. I don’t like doing either. The phone is not so bad, but both are against the rules. I follow rules and I like them even.

Next week, I start Re-entry. I hear that makes life so much better here. I hear the staff there are professional and always approachable. That’s one thing I don’t like doing here – approaching staff about something. Sometimes it’s okay and they are busy, but it usually gets a short answer with a not so friendly response.

I got a new roommate yesterday. I really liked my old one. He was calm, neat and mellow. He slept more than me too, so he never woke me up. He snored a little, but my fan, which he also loved, drowned that out. And, sometimes earplugs. I don’t sleep well. I was so worried about who my new roommate would be. I was going to ask my friend, Pacific Placid, to be my roommate, but was told I couldn’t by my counselor. The new very nice counselor told me I could, but my counselor said I could not. She said I should pray for a good one. I did. The new guy is a good guy.

He’s on Federal Parole. It’s funny how it works here. We get so many ex-cons and people off the street. The ex-cons are so much better than the people off the street. They truly are “reformed”. They are so much more mellow and follow all the rules. They even do less than the rules state.  I am my new roommates “big brother”.

Pacific Placid's roommate is Punk Ass. Punk Ass is supposedly leaving next week so we have a new Ramrod. She is also a bandmate. I call her Punk Rock Goddess. I like her a lot. She’s going to be The Alanos base player. I’m thinking about trying to get in Pacific Placid’s room. He’s our Trumpet player, back up singer and even played some keyboard last week. The girl that I had the hots for for a while back who was in detox is now our keyboard player. She is so damn cute. I’m going to do a photo shoot with her soon. She wants to. She is very fashionable and I just think she is going to look great. She’s hot. She’s got a hot little attitude. Hey, that’s her name – Hot Little Attitude.

I’m finally making a lot of nicknames in this program. It took a while to make so many friends. It is a bigger program and I was in a different place this time.

I am so grateful to be in a band and on my way out of this place. I can’t wait to be a photographer, guitar player, singer, human being…. The sun truly is rising for me.

Today I meet with my social worker about my housing. She deserves a nickname. I’ll call her Angel in Disguise. She truly is one. If Susan is an angel, Angel in Disguise is a great fill in. If I’m ever having a problem, she’s on top of it. And, she is providing me with so many things. Housing and all I will need with it. She has even offered Meals on Wheels, a house cleaner, a grocery shopper and so many other things I never imagined having. 

God is really good for saving my life. He didn’t just safe my life, he saved my SOUL! That’s huge. I mean it. And, I KNOW IT! I promise everyone. Please believe someone like me. I believe that’s why I am here. I am forever grateful. I will always try to repay God. That’s what this blog is really all about. It may be about Me, but it’s really about God. Not that I am anything near God, but I strive to be with him someday.

Two weeks ago I filled out an application for housing. I will discuss where that is with Angel in Disguise today when she comes for our appointment. I want to get an exact date so my Step-mother, Marilynn (her real name) can purchase me a plane ticket to come home for the holidays. I look so forward to that day. I haven’t seen my family in 3 years! I miss them. I miss Ohio. It’s funny how that works. California is so amazingly beautiful, but so is Ohio in it’s own way. It’s my home.

I’m feeling so good and so grateful lately. The sun truly is rising. "Here comes the Sun"

 

 

 

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
And I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to their faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
And I say it's all right
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
It's all right, it's all right

Touch Too Much

( I wrote this blog 9/10/12)

Talk about being overwhelmed today. I have been. It’s all been good – I think. I spent from 8:00 AM until 6:00 PM at either General Hospital or The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic. I love General Hospital. I LOVE The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic! That is my new health clinic. Why did it take me so long to choose this place. I love them. They care so much. My new primary care physician is there. All of the staff and nurses are so kind and caring and are not rushing me out of there like my last crazy doctor - Dr. Zoo.

I was there for three hours today. And, I have to go back tomorrow to see a social worker. Attempting suicide has done so much for me. I know it sounds crazy, because it is. I know I sound crazy, because I was. Everyone knows that. They think I may still be. I’m not. Am I? I’m not suicidal. As long as I never shoot up again that is.

Speaking of shooting up again, remember Tweaker Chick? Tweaker Chick is the hot scrawny little tweaker who showed up to that last program I was the day Susan moved back to Cincinnati. For years I feared that possible day would come.  And, if it did, I knew “something” would come at me that day. It was her. She begged me to have sex with her. She had just shot some meth.  I knew how she felt.  I eventually gave in.  She was so into it.  "She wanted it hard.  And wanted it fast."

She wanted me to feel as she did.  While we were having sex, she begged me to shoot up with her. I wanted to so bad, but I had to meet my friend who I had purposefully planned to take photos with that day.  It was to help me through a tough day.  It may have helped me not use that day.  We were to meet at 10:00AM.  Tweaker Chick showed up too early!  It was 7:00 AM.  I had sex with her, but, I did not shoot up with her!  Still, I really felt like I relapsed.  In some ways, I did.  It would eventually lead me down a dark path.

 I was really having a hard time that day.  I wrote about it that night.  This blog must remain Truthful.  It was the pastor of Christian Chas reading the blog that got me into the office.  She always read it.  Believing I was in "relapse mode", she put me on restriction.  All this, of course, reached the director.  He read the blog.  He knew about it, but had not read it. 

The director found all the honest parts about how chaotic things were happening there.  I wrote things like, "so many people are relapsing...."  They were.  I also wrote how I should “break more rules....” I was basically venting and being sad and concerned. A counselor had also done something questionable – I leave it at that. Basically, I think the director thought I was a loose cannon. I tell my truth, not others – unless I give them nicknames.  I protect peoples anonymity.

This tiny little chick that I found myself attracted to entered detox today. I thought, “What is it about this tiny little crazy seeming chick that I am so attracted to?”  She looked so hot.  "She had the face of an angel, Smiling with sin.  A body of venus with arms." 

She came up to the front desk while I was working, asking me to help her get into a program I was in years ago. I got all her info, including her name. Then, she said, that’s my name, but people call me (a nickname). That's when I realized.  I have a nickname for her too – Tweaker Chick. Wow. It is so weird to see her. 

She got very close to me, but, I can tell she doesn’t remember. I barely did. It was only her nickname that reminded me of that day that ended up getting me kicked out of Christian  Chaos. I knew she looked familiar. And, like I said, I was strangely attracted to her. If I were as tweaked out as she was that day, I wouldn’t remember her at all.

Speaking of Christian Chaos, someone else showed up here today. It’s Surfer Dude. I have been trying to track him down for a while now. I lost his number along with my phone about a year ago. He’s such a good guy. He was the first person to call me after I relapsed the first time. I actually answered the phone. He was very supportive. He told me not to give up or to make a big deal of my mistake. I understand what people mean by that, but for me using is such a big deal. It sends me to such a dark place anymore. I can’t use again.

Surfer Dude was my roommate in the last program. We became close. He is also an artist. He was very aware of, interested in and supportive of my Photography Street Artist Business. He always was. After that relapse, he really encouraged me to not give up on all that I had achieved. He had always expressed interest in wanting to hang out with me one day while I sold my work. I think he was interested in possibly becoming a Street Artist himself someday. I would of, of course, assisted him in his effort to do so. We lost contact after I lost my phone back last November. He lived in Santa Cruz at the time.

 

Surfer Dude being the great artist he is in our room at Christian Chaos.

 

We’ve been catching up quite a bit in the couple hours we have discovered each other again. I will certainly give him my number. He no longer has one, but as long as he gets into a program somewhere, he’ll get one back someday.

It’s funny because he also heard that I fell. He heard I was pretty messed up. That part is true. I told him that I jumped. I told him the whole insane story and how it all came to be. He found it interesting. Lot’s of people tell me that I am a good storyteller. When one lives a life as ridiculously insane as mine, it makes for good stories I guess. I guess the “he fell” part is what circulated around Christian Chaos. The thing about me is, no one could believe I could possibly be suicidal. Many of my close friends and family didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe it! I can’t believe it. Even after I had lost everything last year and was in a program people saw me for the outgoing, positive and helpful to others person that I am. And, they saw me as someone who loves life and is grateful to be alive.

I always wrote that if I ever relapsed, I’d be dead.  I didn’t think I’d be suicidal. I wasn’t’ trying to prove myself right either! I just figured that somehow it would happen. It had become very dark for me even before my last relapse. The thing about the person I am is it is no where near the person I become when I shoot meth. I am so different. It is night and day. The only one who has REALLY seen me is Susan.  I would sometimes speak to my brother and my stepmother, but not many really understand. Actually, no one understands – including Susan.

Those days are over. It’s great to see Surfer Dude. His timing was just right. I was able to let him know that the seed that got my suicide attempt growing was here with us. Not that Tweaker Chick is a bad person. I feel sorry for her. It seems like she’s really not all there. I mean, she is a lot better seeming than the day she begged me to have sex with her and while we did, she begged me to shoot up with her. That messes me up just writing about that. It creates some craving. That’s how sick I am! 
 

I will never be that person again. I have great friends in recovery. It appears as though I have reclaimed another. It’s always nice to see people take that first step by coming into detox. They all have a long way to go with odds against them, but I pray that Surfer Dude makes it. I wish he’d get into this program, but that’s not easy. Apparently, a suicide attempt opens the door.

I was going to name this blog Wipe Out and use that song because of Surfer Dude, but I just can’t get this AC/DC song our of my head. The other blog I finished yesterday morning, the same day I had to write this one was called Dirty Eyes. It fits this blog too, but nothing like this song. I always loved this song and wanted to use it in a blog, but figured a I never could. When I was really young, I use to think about a 1973 Trans Am having a Touch Too Much, not a woman. I was such a dork. I guess I still am. Now a days, I am a dorky sex addict. That addiction is really under control though. I promise.

(9/12/13)

Well, Tweaker Chick only lasted one night. She seemed pretty out of it still. I do feel for her. She seems like a nice person who is just so lost. She's so cute. She's just so messed up still. I heard her walking down the third floor hall which has co-ed rooms singing “I'm leaving, on a jet plane. Don't know if I'll back again.” I figured I wouldn't see her anymore after that. I didn't.
 

Surfer Dude is sticking around. He's there for six days. He's trying to get in a program. He doesn't want to get into the Wally World zoo. That's the way he sees it. I can't say I blame him. I am grateful for this place, but it is a zoo. Any place that the staff get hospitalized by a client, is.... Well, it's a zoo.

I haven't been there much the past few days. I've been where I am right now most of the time – General Hospital. I have so many problems right now. It's not worth me listing them all. And, some are kind of personal. I love The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic. They are so nice there. What took me so long to figure that out. They are very friendly and patient.

Yesterday, I was there for three hours! That never would have happened with that Doctor Zoo at that “other” city clinic. Mission Neighborhood Clinic that is. Those doctors were very wrong to me. That's just the truth. Doctors are supposed to make you feel better, not worse. I'll leave it at that.

They were so thorough and kind at The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic. This really cute nurse did a very thorough exam of me. She even struck her finger up my rear end. That wasn't fun! Thorough – not fun! Like I said, I've had a lot of issues lately. I'm at General getting lots of test today. I had a lot of internal damage done after I jumped. I'm sure I'll be okay. I've got to get a blog transcribed while I wait 2 hours to get my prescriptions filled. 

 

(10/31/13 - Surfer Dude disappeared from Wally World.  I knew he didn't like it there, but hoped he would stick around.  I didn't see him for a couple of months, until a week ago.  I always know someone on the bus.  Last Thursday, it was him.  I was so glad to see him.  He is at a program on Haight Street, about a 1/2 mile away from Wally World.  He looked great.  He also had a phone.  We exchanged numbers. 

 

Friday, Surfer Dude called me to let me know that yet another person from Christian Chaos died.  Six died in the 4 1/2 months I was there.  Five were graduates and one was a resident.  This is the seventh I am aware of.  This time, it was James Dean.   James Dean was a good guy.  James Dean came to see me in the ICU.  He called me while at Laguna Honda and was going to come see me there.  He never showed and when I tried to call him, his phone was no longer is service.  He will be missed.  I love that guy.

Lately, I've been craving a "tweaker chick".  I've been craving a lot more than that.  I'll have my own place soon.  If recovery has ever mattered to me, it's now.  If there was ever a time I can never use again, it's now.  If a "tweaker chick" wanted to come up to my new place and use....  I can't think like that.  I can't.  I've been praying so hard every day that I never use again.  Please God.  Please.)

 

 

 

It was one of those nights
When you turned out the lights
And everything comes into view
She was taking her time
I was losing my mind
There was nothing that she wouldn't do
It wasn't the first
It wasn't the last
She knew we was making love
I was so satisfied
Deep down inside
Like a hand in a velvet glove

Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Too much for my body, too much for my brain
This kind of woman's gonna drive me insane
She's got a touch, a touch too much

She had the face of an angel
Smiling with sin
A body of venus with arms
Dealing with danger
Stroking my skin
Let the thunder and lightening start
It wasn't the first
It wasn't the last
It wasn't that she didn't care
She wanted it hard
And wanted it fast
She liked it done medium rare

 

Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Too much for my body, too much for my brain
This kind of woman's gonna drive me insane
She's got a touch, a touch too much

Seems like a touch, touch too much
You know it's much too much, much too much
I really want to feel your touch too much
Girl you know you're getting me much too much
Seems like a touch
Just a dirty little touch
I really need your touch
Cause you're much too much too much

 

Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Too much for my body, too much for my brain
This kind of woman's gonna drive me insane
She's got a touch, a touch too much

 

 

Dirty Eyes

(I wrote this blog 9/10/13)

Where to begin?  Wally World.  I have always said that Wally World is a zoo.  I guess the Hollywood version was an amusement park.  This place is not amusing.  It is a hardcore place to be.
 
It accepts many people straight from prison.  The thing about the ex-cons, is they are not really the problem.  They are accustom to institutional living.  Like I said, Wally World likely feels more like a zoo more than an amusement park.  When I say it feels like a zoo, I am referring to how caged animals must feel.  At least today's zoos take good care of the animals.
 
Wally World tries.  The counselors do care, they are just so hard to be around sometimes.  When I approach them with a friendly, needed to be addressed question, the answer can be so short and come with an unfriendly tone.  I understand that they are dealing with animals.  Most of the difficult folks have street attitudes.  They have likely never actually lived on the street or they wouldn't have made it.  That or they would have changed their attitude.
 
The recent problem has been young punks.  Being young doesn't make them punks.  Being punks make them punks.  They had bad attitudes and did things like cut in the medication line when they thought no one was looking.  If I know you, I'll call you out.  If not, then I usually have a hard time doing this to people who are breaking rules.  I'm not a "snitch", but I don't like people doing things that effect me.  And, I need to get better about telling on people for EVERYONE'S sake.  Including the person I'm telling on.  Breaking rules only hurts themselves in the long run.  I just don't understand such selfish behavior as simple as line cutting.  
 
I can always tell who won't make it.  The problem with them is we have to put up with them until they find a way to exit themselves.  We've lost so many lately.  We've lost many who have been here for a long time - longer than me.  The thing about them is, I never really appreciated their attitudes, but I thought they might actually make it.  I hoped and prayed they would and that they would someday change their bad attitudes and, of course, stay clean.  I'm pretty sure we lost them because they relapsed.  That's pretty typical around here.
 
What's not typical is violence.  People talk violently often, but I've never seen anyone actually get violent.  I still haven't, but apparently, someone did.  Probably one of those young rule breaking punks.  All last weekend they were threatening physical confrontation with people.  We have a state inspection coming up next week so the staff have really been extra-anal about this.  We clean up twice a day.  On Saturday, we did a quadruple scrub.  In part, because the place was "Off the hook.", as one of the managers put it.  He yelled at us all and made some people "pack their bags."  This was on Saturday.  The house got "shut down" about 15 minutes before I was going to leave to jam with my band.  I finally got to leave an hour later - after I had to pull out my bed and clean up underneath it.  It did need it, I just had never been able to do this.  I had help pulling out.  I did the sweeping.  I had no idea it was that dirty.
 
I said how the counselors can be short, to the point and down right rude to us sometimes because they can.  This applies to all of them.  In many instances, they have to be this way.  Unfortunately, it carries over to many of us when it is not necessary.  There is this little old man who works here who rarely takes on that bad attitude.  He has us meditate before every group he leads.  Sunday, he got beat unconscious and hospitalized by someone.  I assume one of those young punks that were starting so much with so many. 
 
I really do need out of this place.  I am forever grateful, but many of my fellow clients are not.  Just talking back to counselors is inappropriate in my book.  Hospitalizing one is something I can't even imagine doing to anyone - much less someone who is there to help me.  I know they can be inappropriate to us, but I respect all of them - even the ones who don't respect me.
 
I am so overwhelmed recently.  It's all good.  My Social Worker had me fill out my pre-application for West Bay Housing.  Our goal is to have me in my own place by mid-November.  I will be so grateful if that happens.  I fear it may not, but I am hopeful.  I just want to come home for the holidays!  And, I need to get this blog current.  I'm writing this one on my computer at the hospital, but it won't be posted for a couple of months.
 
I have so much I need to do.  Writing a blog is one of them.  I haven't recently.  So many things have occurred.  I went to my physical for Social Security last week, so that ball is rolling.  I'll know in at least 5 weeks whether or not I get it.  It's not that I don't want to work someday, it's just that having 3 or 4 doctor appointments per week and all kinds of physical conditions will make working hard.  I'm at General Hospital right now.  Apparently, my bladder is not emptying when I urinate.  No wonder I get up 6 times per night.  This is just one of the many physical conditions my suicide attempt created.  I have a lot of internal damage.   It's not healing overnight.  In fact, it's been almost 8 months.  Unfortunately, I may have to catheterize myself before going to bed.  If it helps me sleep all night, then I guess it's a good trade-off.
 
Quit using now children.  I never dreamed I'd have all the health problems I do.  I never dreamed I'd lose so much and try to kill myself.  I promise people, that is just how that dark-side works.  Time is irrelevant in many ways.  It is "never ending" as the devil put it.  We have a lifetime to go downhill.  Making little mistake over and over add up over the years - until we find ourselves in what feels to be an irreversible path to hell.  That's where God has to come in.  If anyone is on a path to somewhere bad in their life, please - turn to God.  Even if you are not on that path - turn to God.  It does nothing but Good.  I promise.
 
I love all the doctors and nurses at General Hospital.  They are so kind - but then again, look where I live!  They are probably normal here.  I'm grateful for normal.  They are kind here.  I just hate these things on the wall.

Talk about Dirty Eyes!  Using these things creates them for me.  I understand why they are needed, I just hate seeing them hang on the wall.  They have too many of my favorite - 100cc, 29 gage syringes.  They are my favorite. Even the little orange caps trigger me.   For some reason, photographing such things and writing about it helps me - ART?  Hmm? I didn't even look at them while I took this photo.  I scrolled down to write after I posted it.



Where was I?  So many things are going my way. I got accepted to The Department of Rehabilitation.  They will help me get a job - some day.

I haven't written in over a week.  So much has happened.  Laguna Honda Hospital is going to use some of my photos for the Year End Report.  They are waiting for my article I am writing.  It's about me - of course.  Actually, they wanted it to be about me.  They want me to write about my transgression into, through and then out of Laguna Honda to be published in The Voice, Laguna Honda's newspaper.  It will include photographs - of me, of course.

I hope that someday, something about me will be published in the paper.  I will.  Even articles about me aren't really about me.  They are about God - just like this blog. 

I love writing.  I'm even going to help my roommate write his proposal so he can get on his "own strength".  How in the world that man has waited this long, I have no idea.  He got there the same day as me!  June 24th!  He's a good guy, but can't write.  I got a lot of good info from him and plan on writing it while I work the front desk tonight. 

Life's going okay for me.  I sure hope that little old man will be okay.  I guess he's still in the hospital.  I'm grateful for Wally World, but I sure won't miss it.

Did I mention my new friend who is going to start walking with me in the morning?  She's here for here gambling addiction.  She's 41 - my age.  She looks about 30.  She's Asian.  That's where my heart melts!  Is it my heart?  She's really nice and really cute and a good friend.  I promise I will leave it at that.  I got kicked out of the last program for being bad.  She's a good girl though.  There is something about here eyes though. Did I say how much I love Asian women?  There is just something about them.  

I'm a good boy these days.  I mean that.  I have to be.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I had dirty eyes for her though.

Honey, Yeah honey
You do it
Woooo, do it good
Do it all right, Every night
When you turn off the light
It's outta sight
(alright)

You hypnotize
Mezmorize
With your dirty eyes
Dirty eyes
Your dirty eyes

Breathin, Breathin heavy
Heavy, Heavy breathin
Send shivers down my spine
make me so glad that you're mine
That's what turns me on
All night long

You hypnotize, Mezmorize
With your dirty eyes
Dirty eyes
You got dirty eyes
Dirty eyes

Dirty eyes [ x 7 ]
I love your dirty eyes
Dirty eyes
Dirty eyes
Right through me
Your dirty eyes
Dirty eyes [ x 7]



Dream On

(I wrote this blog 9/2/13)

I wish people here didn't have such horrible attitudes.  They are so ungrateful and rude.  I don't want to go on about it.  It just is that way.

Things have been good otherwise.  I feel it is very important that I give back to this amazing Universe that has given so much to me.

I am really doing all I can to give to this program.  Now that I have my "own strength", I do all I can to take people to recovery meetings.  Saturday, I took four people to the 12 step meeting at Laguna Honda Hospital.  I went to it every Saturday while there.  One of the people I took got 3 phone numbers for people to be her sponsor.  Another person actually got a sponsor!

I also organized a house trip to a Labor Day Picnic and recovery meeting at McClaren Park.  32 people signed up to go!  About 20 actually went.

Saturday was a good day. This cute little blond was standing downstairs at the main doors that never open.  I pointed her to the front gate on the back street which is actually the entrance to the front door now.    I met her there.  She asked what this place was.  I told her.  She told me how she just moved here from Pasadena.  She said she had four years clean and that she was interested in volunteering.

I took her information and told her how much we would appreciate her.  We kept talking.  Somehow, I told her I was a photographer.  She told me she worked at The Examiner.  She said I could take some photos and that she could write about them.  Yesterday, I sent her an email with some of my photos that I have sold over the years.  I also sent her a link to my blog.

Things really do seem to be falling into place.  I've considered going to school for photojournalism for years.  I am currently the photographer and soon to be writer for Laguna Honda's Newspaper, The Voice.  I may volunteer for the San Francisco's homeless newspaper - Street Sheet.  I have meant to do this for years.  I have even talked to someone there about it, however, I kept using and was basically on  my way to being homeless myself.

Tomorrow, I get a physical for Social Security.  I wish I could get back to being a street artist soon, but that will be challenging.  Any job would.  I'm willing.  I want to work - someday.  I hope I can.  Being an artist is in fact a dream come true for me.  I know I can continue, but I hope I will be able to make a living at it.

When I go into the Re-entry portion of this program, I intend to work on my website.  No one wants me to look for work.  I will probably put my resume together for the future.  I will also focus on getting my housing lined up. 

It's not very fun being at this program, but, I'm trying to do my part.  I will be forever grateful.

That light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter.  I am doing everything I can to make my dreams come true.  I had so many opportunities before and gave up on them every time.  The past is gone.  I must not forget that.  I am alive.  I need to stay hopeful about my future.  I have been through a lot over the years.  You got to lose to know how to win.

 

 

Every time that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

Yeah, I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life's in books' written pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages
You know it's true
All the things you do, come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter and sing for the tear
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away

Sing with me, sing it for the year
Sing for the laughter and sing for the tear
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away

Dream on, dream on, dream on,
Dream until your dream come true
Dream on, dream on, dream on,
And dream until your dream come true
Dream on [7x]

Sing with me, sing it for the year
Sing for the laughter and sing it for the tear
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away

Sing with me, sing it for the year
Sing for the laughter and sing it for the tear
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away 

I Stand Alone

(I wrote this blog 8/31/13)

The director of this program is so unfriendly to me.  I don't understand.  He's so short with me about everything.

I'm not sure if I wrote about the time I asked him if he read my own strength proposal and he just looked at me.  I first asked if he read my proposal.  No answer.  I then added, "You know, the one we do for own strength?  I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I wasn't sure if I needed to find a buddy."  Still, no answer.  I had to just walk away.

It was bad enough that he was on vacation for a week when I became eligible.  He had been back for two days before I decided to ask him.

Now, I've been waiting for two weeks to get a door hinge and lock on my newly installed closet door so I don't get anything else stolen - especially my guitar I picked up 1 1/2 weeks ago in anticipation of a locking door.  I figured the hard part was over.  The door had been put on. 

The manager of this place is really nice.  He's in charge of these things.  A couple of days ago, I saw he was not here so I asked the director isfhe would be in the next day.  He said, "No."  I asked if he was on vacation.  He said, "Yes."  I told him how I had a door on my closet now, but how my roommate did not.  I then said, "I assume the hinge and other door is coming soon.  How should I get the lock?"  He said, "(The Managers name)"  In other words, I have to wait, at least, until he gets back from his vacation.  

People who heard my playing my guitar were asking me if they could play it.  I told them that I really wanted to keep it "unknown" that I had a guitar in my room until I got a lock.  They suggested I tell my Care Coordinator.  That is how they got theirs.

This morning, I told my counselor how I now I had a door, but no lock.  She said, "Talk to (the director) while (the manager) is on vacation.  I didn't like the idea, but I figured I'd at least ask if he knew if things were coming along on getting the latch put on.

After breakfast, I stood in line behind someone waiting for my turn to talk to the director.  Then, some guy who left the program walked up and stood right next to him.  When it was my turn, he looked to this other guy, began talking and then walked away with him.  I was frustrated, but I let it go because that guy needed his things.

Later that morning, I went to the main office which he was in and stood waiting at the door, as we are told to do.  He said, "Back off, we're busy.  Give me a few."  I did.  I sat outside on the bench and patiently waited.  Meanwhile, a couple others walked up and stood at the door.  He ended up asking them to follow him to his office.  Again, I was frustrated, but let it go.

Finally, I was walking behind him outside and said, "Oh hey, (directors name), do you know how things with the latch on my door are coming?"  He abruptly stopped and said, "I told you, you have to wait!"

I said, "We didn't talk about this...."  He interrupted me in an angry tone and said, "I told you to wait!"  No he didn't.  He told me I had to get the lock from (the manager).  I was asking about having the latch installed as I was just told to do by my Care Coordinator.  He wouldn't even listen to my request.  I said, "You could at least be kind."  He said, "What did you say?"  I said, "You're so short with me."  Sometimes, he won't even answer me. 

He said, "I told you the other day.  You guys want everything yesterday!"  I said, "It's been 2 weeks and I've already had my phone stolen and every night at the meeting people report something stolen."  He said, "You shouldn't leave stuff in your room." 

I can't carry everything.  I knew he wouldn't listen to my explanation as to how that happened.  He basically became more angry towards me. 

When I reported that phone was stolen, the staff member I reported it to back then said the same thing, "You shouldn't have left it unattended in your room."  I knew this.  I never had until the 3 week old phone broke and I was trying to charge it while at dinner.  I was having a hard enough day before that happened.  The little red light blinked when I plugged it in, so I thought maybe it was going to at least charge enough for me to get information I needed off of it.

I'll never forget, a couple of weeks later someone stole the brand new DVD player.  One of the other managers said he was going to tear everyone's room apart until it showed.  Someone actually knew where it was after he said that.  They sure weren't so concerned about finding my new phone.  I was only reporting it because I felt it should be reported.  I didn't expect it to be looked for.

I know the staff are busy and deal with tough people.  I try to hard to be nice to (the director).  No more "Good mornings" from me.  He never replies anyway.  I'll be out of here soon.  I do love my Care Coordinator.  Not many even like her.  I do appreciate the directors role - not his attitude.  I hope that some how, some day, he lightens up on me.

(10/29/13 - I  waited for that latch to be put on for at least 2 months.  It never happened.  I finally asked if I should go buy one.  I was told I should, but would not be reimbursed for it.  Eventually, I would just move to another room that had a door with a latch.  I gave the latch I bought to the roommate who was still in that room in exchange for a haircut.)

 I've told you this once before
Can't control me
If you try to take me down
You're gonna break
I feel your every nothing that you're doing for me
I'm thinking you ought to make your own way

I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone

You're always hiding behind your so-called goddess
So what
You don't think that we can see your face
Resurrected back before the final falling
I'll never rest until I can make my own way
(I'm not afraid of fading)

I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading  I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone

And now it's my time
(Now it's my time)
It's my time to dream
(It's my time to dream)
Dream of the skies
(Dream of the skies)
Make me believe that this place isn't plagued by the poison in me
Help me decide if my fire will burn out before you can breathe
Breathe into me

I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside

Ecstasy

(I wrote this blog 8/29/13)

Recently, I have written about how grateful I am, but how I am not happy.  Well, today, I'm happy.  I am happy!  That light at the end of the tunnel got a whole lot brighter.

My Social Worker just met with my Care Coordinator and I.  We are all on the same page.  We all want me to have an apartment by December so I can go home and see my family and EVERYONE for the holidays!

Now, everything has to fall into place still, but I'm hopeful.  No matter what, it will happen eventually.  I have the option to live in satellite housing on Treasure Island.  I'd rather not.  It's too remote and cold and it still has "rules".   It has a great view of the city.

I took this on Treasure Island a few years ago.

10/28/13 - Gina and I were on the Island last night photographing the new East Span of The Bay Bridge.

I'd rather be in the middle of The City.  My Social Worker is meeting with West Bay Housing this afternoon.  She's not ready to officially refer me, but she's going to get the ball rolling. 

(10/28/13 - Not to spoil it for anyone, but I did get my housing!  I get to go see it today at 3:00.  Not only did I get my housing, I got housing at The Fox Plaza!  Talk about Ecstasy!  I was just grateful to have a kitchen and a bathroom and no cockroaches.  I never dreamed it would be in a high rise!  I have always dreamed of living in a high rise building.)

 

 

I'm on the 26th floor.  God really is delivering - through so many people.  Thank you God!

 

My Care Coordinator wants me to work on my photography business when I go to Re-entry on September 23rd!  Life is slowly starting to show up again.  She even suggested I stop by places in The Haight when I walk and see if I can display my work now!

This program is progressive.  I actually like it.  I will likely volunteer here in the future.  I will be forever grateful.  I feel really good - today. 

I can't help but have a song in my head from some old friends.  Susan and I and a few other friends took a charted jet with Ekoostik Hookah to Jamaica a couple of months before we moved to California in 2002.  Our move ended my pilgrimage to Hookaville on Labor Day and Memorial Day weekends.  Those were a lot of fun.

A few years ago, they played in Eureka.  Susan and I drove up and saw them for two nights.  I shot pool with Dave Katz.  He is the main singer, guitar player and keyboard player.  I always loved these guys.  They are nice guys. 

When I lived on Klotter Avenue in Cincinnati, I lived in a 2 family house with a great view of downtown Cincinnati.  My high school friend who lived in the upstairs unit owned a music venue in Clifton.  It was called Ripley's.  He got some great bands to come there.  Many of them stopped by our house before the show.  Ekoostik Hooka always played there.  Ripley's would eventually close and become a Chipotle.  Because of this, I still don't like Chipotle.

Eventually, my friend moved out of the upstairs unit and Susan and I moved up to it.  It was larger with a much better view and a Jacuzzi tub!  Then, another good high school friend moved in below us in the unit we just moved out of.  He went to Ohio State.  I think most of Ekoostik Hookah are from Columbus.  I know that Dave is from Cleveland.  Columbus is where they got there start.  My friend learned how to play guitar from Ekoosik Hookahs amazing guitar player - Steve Sweeney.  I think he is one of the best guitar player there is.

Steve Sweeney in Eureka.

Stick around for his solo in this song.  I do love these guys.  I hadn't listened to them for years until today.  Today is a good day.  "Because I'm  feeling good!  You know I'm feeling good!"

 

 

Over the years they've had bands like RatDog (Bob Weirs Band), The Derek Trucks Band, Bruce Honsby, Dark Star Orchestra, Steve Kimock Band, Merle Saunders, Dickey Betts, David Grisman.........  It goes on and on.  Even though they made it pretty big and they've had some great bands open for them at Hookaville, I could not find the lyrics to Ecstacy.    I guess they can be pretty understood.  They are great musicians.

One More Day

(I wrote this blog 8/27)

It's strange being divorced.  It makes having lost both of my parents and having no children...  something.  It's not as if people don't love me.  I have and amazing step mother.  I have one older blood brother and two adopted/distant blood brothers.  Not too distant.  They are something like third cousins.  I also have very loving aunts and uncles.  I have many close and loving friends - so many! 

I did distance myself quite a bit from EVERYONE.  I've developed some very close relationships locally - finally.  I've been here long enough!  Active addiction for me made relationships impossible.  The amount of support I get from so many is overwhelming.  I am very grateful.  God works through so many of you.  Thank you.

Earlier today, I went to my home for six months - Laguna Honda Hospital.  I have so much support there.  I am the newspapers photographer and seem to be a writer.  I look forward to writing and using my photos soon.  I intend to write a story about my progression in to, through and out of Laguna Honda.  I'm sure I'll post it.

 

 

This may be the version before the typos were edited.  I didn't have time to read it to see.  The edited version should actually be printed and distributed this week.

I may go to school for photojournalism.  I feel like I have a second chance at life. I do miss my old one.  A lot.  I miss the life that could have been.  I miss the life that should have been.  God gave me so many chances to get that life right.  God is amazing about giving us chances.  I managed to destroy those chances every time.  I do have another.  To have another chance at it....  That's amazing.  I am so grateful.  I am very sad about all I lost though.

My neighbor across the hall is a good ol' boy from South Carolina.  He's always listening to sad country music.  Isn't it all?  I mentioned "Good ol Boy" in an earlier blog.  (10/27/13 - That's what I wrote in the notebook 2 months ago.  I really don't remember what blog I mentioned him.)

I had never heard the song, One More Day.  Since I recently did, it's always in my head.  I wish I had One More Day with both my parents.  They are both gone.  More than that, somehow, I wish I had One More Day being married to Susan.  One More Day I was clean.  We were very happy.  I have tears in my eyes.  I will always miss all those happy days.  I pray that someday, I'll be happy again.

 

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do. With one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still for one more day
Leave me wishing still for one more day

All of My Love

(I wrote this blog on 8/26/13)

I have 225 days clean today.  This is the longest amount of time I have been able to stay clean since I was 12 years old.  I started using soon after I found my mother dying.  I believe that in many ways, it was her addiction that killed her.  I believe my father would have also lived if it weren't for his addiction.

Like my mother and my father, it nearly killed me too.  I thank God every day that I am alive.  I may not be the happiest person, but I am grateful.

(10/25/13 - I just found out yet another person from "Christian Choas" died.  "James Dean" was a good friend.  He was there for me while I was in the hospital.  The last time we talked, he was in a homeless shelter.  I know he was struggling with alcohol.  I assume he lost his battle to this horrible, evil disease.  I'll learn more soon.  This hurts.)

I have tried to get clean for over 10 years.  It has been very difficult for me.  I had to loose so many things.  My life was nearly lost a few times.  This last time was the worst.  I had been "dealing" with the devil himself.  This is never a good thing!

I started hearing voices so many years ago.  I remember not long after they were trying to help me, the tried to get me to go to rehab.  I would usually mess the whole thing up.  One night, while talking to a voice that claimed to be God, I did such a thing.  I wouldn't go to the rehab I had recently left. 

God was with me the whole time.  For hours I wondered the streets of San Francisco.  I walked nearly half the circumference of this city.  It was at least 15 miles.  Once I reached Ocean Beach, I saw my friends who's voices had been trying to help me those first couple of years.  I turned them into beastly looking creatures with their anger towards me.

I went up and down the entire length of Ocean Beach a few times.  From the Cliff House to the hang glider launch pad at Fort Funston.  Each way is probably 4 or 5 miles.  I was supposed to catch some type of transport into outer space.  I had to do as I was told and BE ON TIME!  I was to catch some sort of mother ship.  Finally with all the Good voices  warding off all the lost and dark souls in the remote area in the middle of the night, I made it to the launch pad.

You get the "picture".  I was directed to the "Launch Site".  Literally.

 

Just like I was to do the end of last year during the "soul consumption" process, I was to lay very still.  Back then, I was going to disappear into outer space.  I was not going to hell. 

 

I remember God asked me "What will you miss about being on earth?"  I said, "Nothing."  That was the wrong answer.  That was not even true for me - when I was clean.  I miss a lot now and I'm still on this earth.  I just became so lost and twisted when I was on that drug.  I'd do strange sexual things and I ultimately jumped off a rooftop.  I wish I would have not tried to kill myself, but, that act does let me know that I am not me when I am shooting crystal meth. 

 

I couldn't believe God would spend time with someone like me.  The devil sure did.  This Universe is so amazingly complicated.   The reality is God is always with us.

 

Twice, I was to disappear into space.  The one time, on the launch pad, it felt as if my legs were being ripped off by all the suction.  I was being pulled into "something".   I had jus walked over 20 miles, but I always did that.  It HURT!  Every time I was to disappear "somewhere",  it was painful.  I was never able to "Lay Still!"  Going into space, I was to watch the earth slowly disappear.  I would have plenty of time to think about all I would be losing.  I would eventually starve to death. 

 

 

 I assume this is what I would have seen early in my "voyage" away from this planet that night.  I would have had to watch all the cities I had family in, disappear.

 

 

My soul would get another chance.  What I really wanted to know was, "Is this to end or just begin?"  I don't think I would be able to remember anything when I made it back to earth and that part I didn't like.  I guess it was a sort of a reincarnation.  I would eventually realize that I would actually miss a lot.  In my tweaked out state of mind, I gave God the wrong answer.  Perhaps it was ultimately right for me.  God knows everything and gives us all so many chances.  I know this.

 

So many times I did go through with the voices instructions.  After many years, I wasn't going to get another chance.  A friends voice told me this was my last chance on earth.  Apparently, God was willing to give me another.  Actually, God did give me another.  Actually,  God gave me many!  I will be forever grateful.

I have 225 days clean today.  God willing, tomorrow, I will have 226.  I will celebrate a new record every day for the rest of my life.

 

God works through so many.  So many have meant so much to me.  Thank all of you.

 

 

Should I fall out of love, my fire in the light;
To chase a feather in the wind?
Within the glow that weaves a cloak of delight,
There moves a thread that has no end.

For many hours and days that pass ever soon,
The tides have caused the flame to dim.
At last the arm is straight, the hand to the loom;
 Is this to end or just begin?

  All of my love,
All of my love,
All of my love to you now.
All of my love,
All of my love,
Oh, all of my love to you now.

The cup is raised, the toast is made yet again.
One voice is clear above the din.
Proud Aryan, one word, my will to sustain.
For me, the cloth once more to spin.

  All of my love,
All of my love,
All of my love for you now.
All of my love,
All of my love,
Yes, all of my love to you child.

Yours is the cloth, mine is the hand that sews time;
His is the force that lies within.
Ours is the fire, all we can find.
He is a feather in the wind.

Oh, all of my love,
All of my love,
Oh, all of my love to you now.
All of my love,
Ohoo oh, yes,
All of my love to you now.

All of my love,
All of my love,
All of my luh-huv, luh-huv

Sometime, sometime, sometime, sometime .. ooh
Hey hey hey.. hey hey heey
Oohoo yeah

  It's all, all, all, all, all of my love,
All of my love,
All of my love to you now.
All of my love,
All of my love,
All of my love to you and you and you and yeah.

I get a little bit lonely,
Just a little, just a little, just a little bit lonley
Just a little bit lonely