All We Are

(I wrote this blog on April 9th, 2012)

Today is a gift.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed.  At the same time, unwarranted fear is worthless.  I think.  Perhaps fear of being irresponsible, careless or reckless is healthy.  I don't know why that wasn't clear to me all the time.  It just wasn't.  It's clear today.

I hate when I call Susan and she doesn't answer.  How she lived her day to day life all those years while I was out there risking my life to feel good, I'll never know.  I now see I was risking hers too.  It's stressful to be a co-dependent.  Stress is unhealthy.  Then there is this dark side that I don't even wanna talk about.  

I was not appreciating her every day.  My past actions pain me today.  Susan has shingles.  I asked her how she got them.  She said, "the doctor said stress."  Susan also fell and sprang her ankle yesterday.  It's early Monday morning.  At least it's time for a process group here at CityTeam.

(After the process group)

The surfer guy from L.A. who's girlfriend died Friday read something for us in our process group this morning.   It came from a book called My Daily Bread.  He read Chapter 13 called, Nearness of Death:

CHRIST:

1.  My child, in a little while this earthly life of yours will be over.  Just how ready are you to enter the next life?  Man exists today and tomorrow is seen no more.  When he is out of sight, he is also quickly out of mind.  The human heart can be so dull and hard!  It fixes its attention on things present.  It often provides for things that are to come.

2.  In the morning, consider for a moment that you may not live to evening.  When evening comes, don't be to confident  you will see the next morning.  These thoughts should not make you gloomy, but practical.  Live in such a way that death will never find you unprepared.  Live each day as you would want to live the last day of your life.  Too many die suddenly and unprepared.  I have warned everyone:  "The son of man will come at the hour when he is not expected."

3.  How many have deceived themselves into thinking they still had plenty of time.  The were snatched unexpectedly from this life.  How often have you heard that someone was killed in a fight; another was drowned; another fell and broke his neck?  This man died while sitting at a table.  That one passed away while enjoying a game.  Some die by fire; some by violence; some are destroyed by disease; some are killed at the hand of robbers.  Thus brings an end to all, and mans life suddenly passes away like a fleeting shadow.

THINK:

Why should I refuse to face facts?  Will I die any sooner if I think of death?  Or, am I going to escape death if I never think of it.  The most terrible death that will come to me is the death that will find me in mortal sin.  Every other aspect of death is a passing thing, but this last phase - the unprovided death - will hurt me forever.

Death with all it's uncertainties is a fact.  I should face facts and see what should be done about them.  What can I do about death?  I can live in such a way that no matter when death comes, it will find me in the sanctity of grace.

PRAY:

Lord, for those in mortal sin, death is the gateway to hell, but for those in the sanctity of grace, it is the pathway to Heaven.  Let my greatest desire in life be to live in such a way that I can die fearlessly at any moment.  Let me fear sin more than death or any other earthly harm.

Amen

Susan saved my life while I was living in mortal sin.  If there is a hell, and all my earthly, insane experiences seems to suggest there is, that's where I'd be.

How can I possibly repay such an act to someone who loved me?  Not they way I did.  Not by hurting her more.  I'm not afraid to die today.  I don't want to die today.  If I d0, I might still go to hell.  My chances of living are much greater when I am living in "sanctifying grace."  That's all I can do for today.  I have also asked for forgiveness.

My concerns aren't for me, they are for others - especially Susan.  I wasn't there for her.  I really wanted to be, but I kept using.  Now, I'm not using, but I'm still not there for her.  I pray for her health, her protection and her soul at least once a day.  To me she was an angel.  Her faith (or lack there of) in God concerned me.  This was kind of ridiculous because her actions were so Godly to me.  Mine were not.  I thought it was my mission in help her her with her faith.  Perhaps I was wrong to feel that way.  If I did anything, I probably lessened her faith.

Somewhere in the Bible it says those who have been given much, much will be expected or something like that.  I have to live by this today.  I have been given so much from the universe.  My life has literally been spared on multiple occasions.  I owe the universe a lot. That's kind of what this blog is all about.

I know my actions were very wrong.  I always admitted I wasn't walking the walk, but my experience told me there was a God.  One thing I believe God really wants from us is Truth.  God was not happy with my behavior.  The dark side is seducing.  I lusted for it.

I care about Susan.  I love her.  The part of me that still wants to be with her is probably the selfish me.  I have to stay clean.  I believe I will.  However, I know most addicts won't.  I can't deny this. The end for most of us won't be pretty. God forbid I fall again, it can't be Susan who catches me.  

Towards the end of our marriage, Susan would say, "I just can't do it anymore.", "I can't be on this roller coaster.", "I'm done.", "I can't keep getting my hopes up." or "I will always love you on a deeper level."

I'll miss her when she's gone from San Francisco someday.  I just pray she'll be happy and healthy.  I pray she'll get everything her kind soul deserves.  I feel I love her enough to let her go.  I'll miss her.  These feelings confuse me.  It's not good to be confused.

For now she lives around the corner.  In a couple of weeks, I'll be able to visit her.  I told her I wanted to be her maid.  I think she's gonna take me up on that.  I hope so.  I want to help her any way I can.  She has a lot going on and a demanding job.  I want to be a good friend to her at least.  I want to repay her any way I can.

Although I am clean, I am still battling my demons on a smaller scale.  They come in the form of cigarettes.  When I was younger, I smoked when I partied.  I partied often and it's frequency increased over the years.  I coughed all the time.  About six years ago, I quit.

I still shot speed, but I quit smoking.  The last run I was on in which I ended up homeless, I started smoking again.  I picked cigarette butts up off the ground to smoke so I could at least have some kind of fix.

While at Walden House for eight days, I quit.  No one offered cigarettes to me there.  Here, they did.  I accepted.  A lot of people are giving and friendly here and recognized I had nothing when I came in.  Some of them also have a little income.

Now, I have a little money and continue to buy one cigarette at a time.  I only smoke about three or four a day, but that's three or four too many.  I hate them!  I spend $1.40 a day (which comes out to about $42.00 per month) out of my $59.00 I receive each month.  This is ridiculous.  I'd rather buy nicer razors and shaving cream and things like better shampoo instead.

My cigarette smoking is a micro-scale to my meth use, but it's basically the same.  I crave them, I give in, I enjoy the first couple of puffs, then it gets disgusting, then I regret smoking it and then I feel like crap.  Cigarettes were also a gateway to my meth use in the recent past.  Once I decided use meth, I would smoke a cigarette first to calm my nerves to get me through the process of buying it and getting my syringe.

Things have been really stressful here and I have been using cigarettes as a crutch.  I also smoke out of boredom or because that's what everyone else is doing out front.  Out front is the only place I'm aloud to go outside since I'm on restriction.  I do recognize all of this and am trying to not get to down on myself, but enough is enough.

I have been saying I'm going to quit for about a week now.  The first day my friends girlfriend died.  This brought up all kinds of feelings I use over.  In this case it was at least only nicotine.  

Usually by afternoon I break down.  I thought on Easter Sunday, "My grandpa died on Easter Sunday - this would be a good day."  I smoked.  On Monday, one of the guys who was recently in the program died of lung cancer.  I thought, "This is the day!"  I sm0ked.  Tuesday, I ran three miles on the treadmill thinking this would make me not want to smoke.  I smoked.  Yesterday, we practiced softball.  I smoked.  I smoked six or seven cigarettes.  Last night before I went to bed, I took a cigarette I had  into the bathroom, said a prayer and flushed it down the toilet!  I woke up this morning with a little cough and some crap in my lungs.  I've decided today - THAT'S IT!

This morning, in our process group check-in, I said I was okay, but I was trying to quit smoking - again!  The young guy sitting next to me handed me a handful of nicotine patches.  Since I'm not a heavy smoker, I cut one into quarters and stuck it on my arm.  So far, so good.  It's 1:30.  Life is too precious.

I tasted, tasted love so sweet
And all of it was lost on me
Bought and sold like property
Sugar on my tongue

I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

I wasted, wasted love for you
Trading out for something new
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you've never won

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

And in the end the words won't matter
'Cause in the end nothing stays the same
And in the end dreams just scatter and fall like rain

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, beautiful