(I wrote this June 21st, 2012)
My life is really confusing right now. I'm really struggling to keep my head together. I don't want to use. I'm just having a hard time. Everything that is hard in my life is a direct or indirect result of my being a drug addict. Being an active addict was so much harder than all this, but at least then I had an escape. I promise you that I know that is not the answer.
My brain is really messed up. I lose things and forget things - a lot. I find myself wandering aimlessly sometimes and my mind just goes blank. I'm confused. I've never been the most organized person, plus a do a million things at once all the time. CityTeam keeps telling me to slow down but they ask me to do so many things all the time. They told me stop coming to Susan's and to hang around there more often.
All of those things are pretty much impossible right now. I know there concerned about me, but I do know what I am doing. It's just hard. There are a couple of people who really don't like me there and that is some of the reason I stay away. It's just kind of a waste of energy to fight it right now really. This doesn't mean "the fight" may not becoming. Not in a physical way - I hope. I believe everything will be resolved. I pray on it and for those who don't like me - a lot. I don't know if it's they don't like me - they're probably just assholes. I have character defects of my own.
Right now, it's more about all the things I need to accomplish when I am not working hard for the program though. I do a lot for CityTeam. I want to. I am in a leadership role in which I get a lot of respect from a lot of people there - especially a lot of new guys. I do care about them and hope to spend more time with them in the future outside of program hours. I still make a point to take new guys to outside recovery meetings and church and do things like go on bike rides with them - in addition to everything else. I don't like to sit around and watch television or play cards.
As far as all my honesty and hard work, I guess this threatens some people there - I don't know? I think they think I'm overstepping my boundaries or kissing (butt). They have to know better than that - a (butt) kisser, I am not! I work hard, care and I am honest. I also speak my mind.
I don't really want to waste anymore energy than they've already wasted of mine. Let's just say, with all I have going on, I kind of feel like a wounded animal around predators. At times it has been relentless. Letting it be seen that I am sad, depressed or confused can really work against me sometimes. If I am quiet, someone will always ask, "What's up?" Most of the guys try to pick me up if they can see something in me besides my usual pretty happy self. I guess I just can't hide the way I really feel. It's all improving. It's going to take time. I'm growing because of it all. I am simply working hard, caring about others, praying, living in The Truth and trusting God. With all that, I'll be fine. It's still hard.
I'm at CityTeam when I am needed during program hours. Most other times, I am away. When I am away, I work a lot on this blog. I also run three to six miles a day. Sometimes I go out and take photos. I do have some friends outside of the program also.
I don't even really hang out with Susan that much. Despite everything, we care about each other very much! I'm so glad I got some time to see this truth while clean before she moves to Cincinnati. I am just helping her when I am with her. And, we are beginning to get things together for her move home in a month. It won't be easy. We've known each other for 23 years.
I hang out at Brainwash by myself and write a lot (that's where I am now.) I have to. It is important. I need to get to where my blog is near to real time. I know it is what it is for a reason though. I'm just so confused and I feel lost. I have a guilty broken heart.
I have so much time, I thought I'd write some more! That's suppose to be sarcasm. I'm probably just making things more confusing.
ALL THAT said, I was unable to find the original ending to Save Me San Francisco a couple of days ago. I found it today. I want to post it here since it was what I wrote back then. The other day, I simply rewrote the ending after the bible verse that was read at City Church because I wasn't sure I would ever find the original ending. It was in another notebook. Like I said, I am really having trouble keeping track of things and it is important that I get all of this done. Everything happens for a reason. I guess I'm glad I got a chance to post something closer to real time.
The Original Ending to Save Me San Francisco
(April 23rd, 2012)
At 1:00, we had our first softball game. Unfortunately a few of our guys were stuck at MayMac so we couldn't field a team. We mixed it up. We did rock, paper scissors. It actually ended up that the CityTeam guys were on a team with a few City Church people. Only our coach, Rocky (This is his real name for reasons I believe you may read about in the future.) Rocky is a graduate here and he just pitched for them.
There is this nineteen year old kid who is here in the program. He asked that I call him Zack Attack in this blog. He was born and grew up in Richmond, Indiana where older brother Bob lives. Before moving to San Francisco, he lived in Indianapolis. He was a huge Red's fan growing up. I wore my Red's jersey and hat. Zack Attack borrowed one of my Red's hats. He played First. I played third.
My friend from Boston, lets call him Sam Malone, just walked up to me and asked in his Boston accent, "How's the screen play coming boss?" I said, "I was just about to write about you."
He's, of course, a huge Red Sox fan. He wore his Red Sox jersey and hat. He played short stop. He's the best home run hitter we had that day. He didn't get one. Our other two home run hitters weren't there. The house manager who I'll call Barry Bonds (of course) had to work. My ex-atheist friend with red hair and a red goatee that comes to a point like the devils was sick. I'll call him El Diablo.
I batted four times and got two singles. I'm a line drive hitter. I also got one RBI and I scored a run. Pastor Paul from City Church was our lead batter. He's from Portland, Oregon, but he was decked out in Cleveland Indians gear. He somehow adopted the Indians as his team. I think he likes underdogs. Because of this, I guess I'm okay with this. I'm not sure I could handle Browns attire! :) He is certainly not a fair weather fan rooting for the tribe.
Surfer Dude from L.A. played outfield. He wasn't all there yesterday.
Right now, I'm sitting at a table with Sam Malone, Surfer Dude and Zack Attack. Surfer Dude just threw a cookie across the room towards the garbage can. It missed and bounced off the wall. Zack Attack said, "You're a sinner!"
It was fun playing the game yesterday. Susan was going to try to stop by, but she got stuck in the new four story DSW Shoe Store with her gay friend from step aerobics. The game was supposed to start at 2:00, but it got moved until 1:00.
I told her she could come by with her friend, but she said he gets too sad about our situation. She told him he'd probably like me.
Susan had friends there for her when I was lost. More than she knows, even so many of the voices in my cared about her.
I know so many people in my head and in reality were trying to help - even the devil. Even messages in the sidewalk.
God was always trying to help me. God works through others. I hope my blog Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids makes that clear. CityTeam and City Church are trying to save me.
A year ago, it seemed Susan was the focus. She needed to be saved from me. She was given two tickets to opening day - the year after The Giants won The World Series. The band Train from San Francisco was there. They played this song.
(I wanted to show the actual footage from the game in the blog, but this better recording! Perhaps I needed to reiterate this song.)
I used to love the Tenderloin
Till I made some tender coin
Then I met some ladies from Marin
We took the highway to the One
Up the coast to catch some sun
They left me with this blisters on my skin.
Don't know what I was on, but I think it grows in Oregon
So I kept on going, going, gone, right through
I drove into Seattle rain, fell in love then missed the train
That could a took me right back home to you
I been high
I been low
I been yes, and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco
Ooo ooo ooo, oh oh
Every day's so caffeinated
I wish they were Golden Gated
Fillmore couldn't feel more miles away
So, wrap me up return to sender
Let's forget this 5 year bender
Take me to my city by the Bay
I never knew all that I had
Now Alcatraz don't sound so bad
At least they'd have a hella fine merlot
If I could wish upon a star
I would hitch a cable car
To the one place that I'll always call my home
I been high
I been low
I been yes, and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco
I been up
I been down
I been so damn lost since you're not around
I been reggae and calypso
Won't you save me San Francisco
To tell you the truth
I miss everything...everything
It's a wild, wide, beautiful world
But there's a wide-eyed girl back there
And she means everything...everything
I been stop
I been go
I been yes and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco
I been up
I been down
I been so damn lost since you're not around
I been reggae and calypso
Won't you save me San Francisco
Oo oo oo...oh oh
Won't you save me San Francisco
Oo oo oo...oh oh
Won't you save me San Francisco
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