Save Me San Francisco

(I think I wrote this blog on April 23rd, 2012.)

It was a beautiful weekend in San Francisco.  Summer seems to be here.  It probably won't rain until November.  The sky in the neighborhood I live will be blue.  The temperature around 70.  South of Market doesn't get the fog - usually.  It got close today.  It was probably 80 degrees yesterday.  The warmer it gets in San Francisco, the further the fog comes in.  All summer long, San Francisco starts to heat up, then mother nature, like a thermostat, kicks on the AC.  The warm air over San Francisco rises and the cool air over the ocean is sucked in - turning it into fog.  This keeps San Francisco nice and cool.

San Francisco has micro-climates.  While a coastal neighborhood might be foggy and in the 60's - on the other side of a hill, it might be sunny in the 70's.  Go inland to the East Bay for 15 miles, it's a little more like the desert and it can be in the 100's on that same day. I like South of Markets 70's.

CityTeam is in a bit of turmoil right now.  We only had five staff here when I started.  One staff member just left and two were just laid off.   Jonathon, the director is in India for three weeks.  I guess CityTeam International laid off fifty people nationwide.  Everything is going to be okay and the people who were laid off will likely move to better things because they are good people, but it was still kind of sad to see them go.  They were sad, but upbeat.  I imagine it's rewarding to do what they do.

Friday night, Hefe Grande and I went down the street to get coffee.  I'm still on restriction, but they let me go with him.  I didn't want to ask.  Hefe asked for me.  

Hefe is an amazing cook. I'm his assistant in the kitchen. He has been a chef for thirty years.  He had his own cooking show in Tijuana for five years.  It was shown all over Mexico.  He's a good guy.  He's a hard worker.  He reminds me of one of my best friends back in Cincinnati who has also been a chef for a long time.

Working in the kitchen is hard work.  I pretty much do what el Hefe asks.  I end up preparing the 150 or so meals for our guests.  It's usually precooked ham, salami, mortadella or head cheese.  Whatever is donated.  I simply cut it up and heat it.  I also prepare a huge portion of mash potatoes or rice.  I also make a huge salad. 

El Hefe puts a little more time and love into the meal for the residents.  It's a much smaller scale so he can do that.  Like I said, he's a good cook.  We eat great.  So do our guests.  Believe me, I've been homeless and have eaten at other places.  Our meals seem more home cooked and are much larger.

We had a few of the guys away last week.  They were sent to a camp in the Santa Cruz Mountains.  It's usually a camp for kids.  We work in the kitchen there.  I'll probably get to go on the next trip after my background check clears.  The guys say it's beautiful.  It has a pool, archery, hiking, etc.

We were short-handed all week.  By Saturday, tempers were flaring and I was beat, but it all worked out.  The surfer dude from LA was kind of having a melt down.  It also affected our newest guy.  We serve all day on Saturday.  It was me, the new guy, Tex, and Surfer Dude in Kitchen all morning and all afternoon.  We got everyone fed, but it was tough.  I wasn't really affected my Surfer Dudes melt down.  I was more worried about him.  Between getting clean and losing his fiance recently, that man is going through a in his life.

When Hefe and I went to the coffee shop, we met Susan there.  It was Friday night.  She brought Phil.  Phil is looking really good.  He kept his eyeball!  I hate to say it, but he looks really cool!  He looks like chihuahua diablo (devil dog)  His one eyeball is blood red and the other one is black.  He also has his little bat ears.  He's cute as can be.

I just took this photo.  It looks a lot better than two months ago, but you can still see his right eye is red.

He was so excited to see me.  I was excited to see him.  Sixth Street was a zoo Friday night.  On the way back from the coffee shop, one of my old drug dealers ran up to me from behind and threw her arm around me and said, "Come ere Dave."  Susan said, "NO!"  I said, "Hey, I'm in a program."  She said, "Good for you."  Susan basically said, "Get away from him!"  My drug dealer said, "Hi wife."  Then she said, "I told him to get into a program."  She did.  A lot of my dealers did.  That's pretty sad.

Hefe said, "No Dave!" in his Spanish accent and he and Susan drug me away from her. It wasn't like they had too.  She is not all bad.   That doesn't mean I'd mess with her!  She was once one of those evil voices in my head.  Still it did seemed she cared about me at times.  She told the dude who got stabbed the other day and was also an evil voice in my head to leave me alone and he did.  She still nuts.  Susan never tolerated my dealers.  I never wanted Susan around them.  Most of my dealers aren't bad people, but I understand how Susan Hefe felt.  

Sunday was cooler since the fog was coming in.  It didn't make it to South of Market, but it was close enough that you could see it.  It might have been in the Tenderloin next door.  It was close.  It was cool.  It was nice.  When the fog does reach SOMA, it usually burns off during the day.

Sunday morning,  I went to church as usual.  I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I really like going to church.  It's mostly young to my age professionals.  I promise you this is not what I like about City Church, but there are some good looking women there!  San Francisco is full of beautiful women.  I feel weird thinking and writing that, because I was with Susan for twenty two years.  It's not that I didn't notice good looking women before, but I wasn't single.

I know I'm not supposed to be in a relationship nor am I really ready.  I'm not sure I'll ever be.  I pray for God's will on that.  I was not a very good husband.  It's not that I was mean to Susan - I just broke her heart all the time because I couldn't stop doing drugs.  I also couldn't be there for her.  I did a lot of crazy things addicts do to someone they love I guess.  Relationships are hard enough for normal people.  They're extra hard for addicts who are in their addiction.

The fact of the matter is, I still have feelings for Susan.  It doesn't mean I can't let her go.  I want what's best for her.  This area confuses me.  I pray on it a lot.

Every Sunday in church, I end up holding back the tears in my eyes for one reason or another.  I'm usually thinking of Susan.  She did save my life.  We were together for 22 years.  I do care about her. Hefe Grande and I were talking before the service.  He asked, "You like City Church?"  I said, "I love it, but it always seems to make me emotional."  Those feelings, I liked to use away.  I of course, hold it in, but it's hard.  He told me how City Church helped change his life. It seems City Church started him on his path to getting clean two years ago.  He got to CityTeam about three weeks before me.

The Bible verse the pastor read was:

JOHN 11:1-6;30-45

Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. ² (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) ³ So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”

⁴ When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” ⁵ Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. ⁶ So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days

³⁰ Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. ³¹ When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.

³² When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

³³ When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. ³⁴ “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

³⁵ Jesus wept.

³⁶ Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

³⁷ But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

³⁸ Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ³⁹ “Take away the stone,” he said.

“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”

⁴⁰ Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

⁴¹ So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. ⁴² I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

⁴³ When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” ⁴⁴ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

4⁵ Therefore many of the Jews who had come to visit Mary, and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him

You see, even though Jesus knew he was going to raise this guy from the dead, he still cried.  He still felt pain of the loss before the miracle he performed.  Jesus needed people to have faith. I'm trying to have faith that God has something really good in store for me.  And for Susan.  It's hard with all I've lost, but I also believe it is possible.  I am alive.

The pastor said something that also spoke to me.  "when your at City Church, you will never have to cry alone."  I felt pretty sad.  I prayed to God I didn't have to feel that way all day.  I did not.  

We played City Church in softball later that day.  Actually it was mix of mostly CityTeam guys and members of City Church vs. Mostly City Church with I think one City Team guy.  We mixed it up a bit.  My team lost, but it was fun.  I was 2 for 4 with one RBI.  I played third.  I helped get a guy out in a pickle and helped turn a double play.  It was really fun.  The people from City Church really seem to care about the guys at CityTeam.

City Church

It seems San Francisco has always been trying to save me.  And Susan.  For years, people of this city have picked me up when I am down.  Doctors, strangers, friends I've met in recovery, people on the street, the police, the fire department, EMT's, Kaiser's urgent care, emergency room and ICU, neighbors and even the voices in my head.  The voices in my head were actually voices of some of these people that I just mentioned.  Even "evil" voices and people seemed like they were trying to help me - kind of.  Evil was in my head and evil also manifested itself into people on the streets on this last run.  I know it sounds crazy but it's true.  A guy who tried to help me for so many years who I started to think just might be the devil, actually became devil!  I still might write that blog some day.

San Francisco does seem to be saving me.  They saved Susan from me first - I think I was evil. In some ways, I turned that guy I thought might be the devil into the devil.  The devil said he saved Susan, but then he of course wanted her soul.  It's a long messed up story, but I swear it all happened in my crazy world.  It was all a sad time, but I can now see that something beautiful was about to happen.

Susan was priority number one to the voices. I'm glad for that. My possible saving would have to wait.    While San Francisco seemed to be in the midst of saving Susan from me, She was given tickets to The Giants opening day - the year after winning the world series.  She deserved that.  On that San Francisco day, this San Francisco band played this San Francisco song.

I used to love the Tenderloin
Till I made some tender coin
Then I met some ladies from Marin
We took the highway to the One
Up the coast to catch some sun
They left me with this blisters on my skin.

Don't know what I was on, but I think it grows in Oregon
So I kept on going, going, gone, right through
I drove into Seattle rain, fell in love then missed the train
That could a took me right back home to you

I been high
I been low
I been yes, and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco

Ooo ooo ooo, oh oh

Every day's so caffeinated
I wish they were Golden Gated
Fillmore couldn't feel more miles away
So, wrap me up return to sender
Let's forget this 5 year bender
Take me to my city by the Bay

I never knew all that I had
Now Alcatraz don't sound so bad
At least they'd have a hella fine merlot
If I could wish upon a star
I would hitch a cable car
To the one place that I'll always call my home

I been high
I been low
I been yes, and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco
I been up
I been down
I been so damn lost since you're not around
I been reggae and calypso
Won't you save me San Francisco

To tell you the truth
I miss everything...everything
It's a wild, wide, beautiful world
But there's a wide-eyed girl back there
And she means everything...everything

I been stop
I been go
I been yes and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco
I been up
I been down
I been so damn lost since you're not around
I been reggae and calypso
Won't you save me San Francisco

Oo oo oo...oh oh
Won't you save me San Francisco
Oo oo oo...oh oh
Won't you save me San Francisco