Sooner Surrender

(I wrote this blog April 24th, 2012)

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

-Winston Churchill

 

"No you're not a doormat. The doormat made a lot of noise yesterday."  I think I like that Diablo said that to me.  I think.

I hate that Tex left after yesterdays events.  He had been here 9 months.  My lesson - not everything goes my way - even when I am not really doing anything wrong.  That's just life.  It still sucks to get punished for not abiding by a rule that has not been enforced the whole time I have been here until the powers that be decide to enforce it.  Especially when I am not allowed to leave by myself so I could satisfy the requirement that I would have satisfied on my own - with the little time I had.  Especially when it was the day before I was supposed to get off restriction and the punishment was - more restriction!

I've vented enough.  We actually laughed about it quite a bit last night.  I know I grew from it.  I'm still stuck here tonight!  Enough.  Well, maybe not.

One of the staff told me, "It's not about you!"  I think when I wrote the blog yesterday, I said, "I don't see how it is not."  The more I thought about it the more I realized,  I wasn't making it about me yesterday!  I was making it about the principle.  I said I would accept the consequences but felt THE TRUTH needed to known about the situation.  As a new person, that last thing I wanted to do was rock the boat.

I didn't want to go to staff and explain how we as a house weren't doing something we should be.  I don't need any enemies to live with!  I was just going to go to meetings for myself when I was aloud to do it for myself!  I was even going to take others who are on restriction!  I still will - when I'm off restriction.  Is this a resentment?

It was obviously all wrong.  I hope this fixes it.  Enough.  Wait, one more thing.  See why I drive these guys nuts sometimes?  I have a "guide" to help me in my twelve step program.  He told me something I was already  trying to do.  "Give it away."  "Let go."  It came at a time when I was trying to practice setting boundaries.  Did I say that?

Surrender.

Sunday at the softball game, we devided up into two teams by playing rock, paper scissors.  I was a loser.  Go figure.  I'm kind of a born loser.  My senior year of high school, I got a lot of publicity - for being so small,  but we were 0-10.  I would have given all the publicity away for 1-9.  It seems most of the seniors of Loveland Hurst High School class of 1990 were getting stoned - not playing football!  Football was important to me.  I could stop during the season.  

I wrote a song called, Sonny Days Ahead a few years ago.  It has a verse that says, "Knowing how to lose doesn't make you a loser, but losing the loss can make you a winner." 

Surrender. 

Let go.  I d0n't even think I knew what I was saying back then when I wrote this song years ago.  I'm sure I'll print the whole thing some day.  I guess I need to borrow my friends guitar again and make generic webcam recording again.

One of the ladies on my softball team said, "Okay guys, we can't be The Loser's.  We need a better team name."  I said, "How about the surrenders."  That was probably incorrect English and I probably sounded like a hillbilly, so she said, "How about the Surrender."  Much better.  We lost.  It was just a softball game.  It was really fun.

The idea of surrender is usually not one people view as a good thing to do.  It is thought of as losing, being defeated or a weakness.

Actually, to surrender is to join the winning team.  Good will always prevail.  Look at Germany today.  There are plenty of good people in Germany.  There were plenty of good people in Germany in World War II, but the Third Reich was evil.

What in the world am I talking about in this blog?  That song, Sonny Days Ahead, goes on to say:

There are constant battles, Good doesn't always win

But the sum of all battles equals a wars end

God is the tortoise and the devil is the hare

I just I hope I win my battle and help us all get there

Wars will end as all things do

I just hope that things don't end for me and you

Sonny is not a misspelled word.  Sonny was my neighbor who lived behind me and I use to hear his voice in my head often.  Okay here's a bad recording I made in my room today (6/27/2012).  

A guitar in the pawn shop is hard to play
Music is what I need to make it through these days
Voices hearing voices, voices going insane
Lyrics still fight their way out of my brain
Evil has a way of stealing what I need
Steels a little more every time it makes me bleed
Now voices understand and some are even tools
but even if you weren't your voice, your voice could still be you


Now voices change as all things do 
I really hope to many things don't change for me and you


Those who make the world go round seem out of tune
while people on the street tell me only things I knew
New Orleans can wait until another day
I never dreamed January would be this way
Seems most people will be kind to you 
but it seems society is so fucking rude
My life's decisions are best when I'm involved
but people like to tell me what I'm doing wrong


People change, as all things do 
I really hope to many things don't change for me and you.


Just wait until tomorrow sounds simple to you
I guess it's still hard to handle the truth
Knowing how to lose doesn't make you a loser
Losing the loss can make you a winner
There are constant battles, Good doesn't always win

But the sum of all battles equals a wars end

God is the tortoise and the devil is the hare

I just I hope I win my battle and help us all get there

Wars will end as all things do

I just hope that things don't end for me and you

That "you" I was referring to was Susan.  I always knew I may lose her.  "You" could refer to everyone in the bigger picture.  

I've been battling addiction for so long.  I still want to win my battle.  I still want to help other people believe - including Susan.  She is already honest, caring, selfless.  She does believe in herself - which is not all wrong.  I used to go this atheist recovery meeting and they basically saw their higher power as their better selves.  I love those people.
 

To me, Susan is an angel.  Many of her actions actions in life dictate this to me.  I think God would agree.  She is a kind, loving, giving and a caring person.  She is an admitted atheist.  I sometimes blame myself for this, even though I believe in God.  I always used to say, "I believe in God's existence.  For me to believe in God, I had to get the Good Orderly Direction part down - something my addiction never allowed me to do.  Something Susan who doesn't believe in God never had a problem with.

When I told Susan that they put me on added restriction, she said, "Good, they should keep you on restriction." That's not nice!

My failure to live life in a Good Orderly Direction kind of made my addiction more like a demon than a disease.  I guess that's why the only antidote is - God.  It makes sense.

For the past forty days, I have walked the walk.  I have lived in a Good Orderly Direction.  This is just the beginning.  To continue to stay clean and close to God, I will have to surrender every day for the rest of my life.  I have 40 days clean.  I recently read in that book, A Purpose Driven Life, how 40 days is significant:

-Noah's life was transformed by 40 days of rain.

-Moses life was transformed by 40 days on Mount Sinai.

-The spies were transformed by 40 days in the promised land
-Elijah was transformed when God gave him 40 days of strength from a single meal.
-The entire city of Nineveh was transformed when God gave the people 40 days to change.
-Jesus was empowered by 40 days in the wilderness
-The disciples were transformed by 40 days with Jesus after the resurrection.

And, my personal favorite:

-David was transformed by Goliath 40 day challenge

-David was also supposed to get off restriction after 40 days clean!  

See, you messed up The Universe Trudy!

It's not like I was a hypocrite before.  I'd tell you I was "a sinner!"  The other day I was talking to Susan.  I must have mentioned God.  She said, "I'm an atheist."  I asked her not to dismiss the possibility there is a God - after all I have seen!  I told her I was afraid my evil ways may have hurt her and that evil may have touched her because of my insanity.

(We just read this bible verse a couple of days ago - around June 24th.  I wrote this blog April 24th.  Again, it was experiences I was referring to when I wrote this.)

PROVERBS 17:13

If a man pays back evil for good, evil will never leave his house.

(That's pretty much what I was doing.  I can't really write about all that though.)

I suggested she at least ask for forgiveness.  She said, "After all the shit you put me through and you want me to ask for forgiveness!"  I think she missed the point.  I didn't need her to ask me for forgiveness.  I don't feel she did anything wrong to me.  I did wrong to her.  We all need God's forgiveness was all I thought she might consider.  God forgives.  Perhaps I should let God be in the God business.  He's been at it a long time.

I care about Susan's life and her soul.  How can't I?  It's like I said, "I just hope I win my battle and help us all get there."  That includes Susan more than anyone.  It matters to me that all she did for me means something.  More than something - Everything.