(I wrote this blog on or around 4-17-2012)
There's never a dull moment at CityTeam. We have these pastors from local churches come into CityTeam and give a brief sermon or sing a song to our first group of guests we feed. The volunteer this time decided he would have all the guests sing a song. I'm sure many of you have heard that song that goes, "Holy, Holy, Holy...." Well that's the song. He asked half the room to start at one point and the other half to chime in along the way. If you've heard that song, you may have heard it done that way before. It does sound pretty cool when it's done right I guess.
It was a nice try, but it didn't go so well. I was kitchen helper but I was standing next to my housemate who was working security. We both looked at each other with a smile and I said sarcastically, yet quietly to him, "That's beautiful." He laughed. Then I said, "Actually, it is kind of beautiful." He said, "Oh yeah, wait until you get to be the host. These people will really love you." There are a lot of good people that come and eat in here. However, I guess it didn't strike much of a chord with one of our guests.
This chick with pink hair stood up so quickly her pants came down. She walked out of the dinning room with her pants down around her thighs wearing no underwear. She was young and a little strung out, but....I won't go there. She was walking away from me so I couldn't see if the carpet matched the drapes. Probably not. Perhaps my humor is inappropriate for my blog. Oh well.
My friend who was working security said to me, "You should have seen this chick on Christmas. She flashed me her (breasts)." I guess she thought it was Mardi Gras, not Christmas. My friend said, "Mam, if you do that again, you're out of here." He might as well have thrown her some Mardi Gras beads. Out she went.
This morning, this guy was intentionally running out in front of cars. He would hide behind a building in the ally beside CityTeam and when one of the traffic lights at either end of the block would turn green he'd wait for cars in the front of the traffic to get near and dart out in front of them. Sixth Street is one of the only two way streets around this neighborhood. It was kind of like watching someone play frogger, but trying to lose.
After watching him a couple of times, I yelled, "Dude!" He turned around, looked at me and yelled, "If only you knew what they did to me!" He looked insane. I didn't know what to do. A bus was coming and a guy yelled, "go now!" I couldn't watch. I went inside and started writing. I also found out that the house manager, lets call him Barry Bonds, had already called the police. I stopped writing because I began thinking, "I can't let this guy kill himself." Thankfully when I walked outside, the cops had already gotten to him.
Perhaps CityTeam saved that mans life this morning. I'll never forget a few years ago when I was staying at this pee-in-the-sink Tenderloin hotel getting high. Some guy committed suicide by laying his head under a bus tire outside the hotel I was staying. That has always stuck with me.
It's strange, because last night, I started playing a song I wrote so many years ago. It's called "Killing Ourselves". My dad and I were both really struggling about six years ago. Me with my meth addiction and he with his alcoholism. I don't really want to talk about it because it was a very hard misunderstood time for a lot of people. I didn't speak to my dad for three months because of all of the "misunderstanding". I felt as thought I had never pointed the finger at anyone for all my troubles in life and as though all the sudden I was being blamed for my dads struggles. He was drinking because he was "worried about me." I never once said, "I started using because my parents drank." - even though that's probably why I did. I didn't deny he was worried, but it was kind of a chicken or the egg situation.
I just couldn't take it. I used a lot. I was spending a lot of time at the ocean using. It was such a hard time. I knew one of us was going to die. When I wasn't using, I was searching. One day, I took my guitar to the ocean and wrote the song, Killing Ourselves.
A few days later he called and I answered. He was alone in a hotel room. The hotel room I had dropped him off three months earlier with his oxygen tank to help kick him out of his own house. I was trying to protect my little brothers. I was also giving him some tough love. I wanted him to go to rehab. He said he would if I would. Neither of us would.
He was upset and told me he wanted to die. He told me he couldn't do it anymore. I told him, I knew how he felt but ultimately the decision was up to us. I told him I loved him. I went out and got high. I returned three days later. Susan was standing in the door and I knew he was dead.
There's never a dull moment at CityTeam. We have these pastors from local churches come into CityTeam and give a brief sermon or sing a song to our first group of guests we feed. The volunteer this time decided he would have all the guests sing a song. I'm sure many of you have heard that song that goes, "Holy, Holy, Holy...." Well that's the song. He asked half the room to start at one point and the other half to chime in along the way. If you've heard that song, you may have heard it done that way before. It does sound pretty cool when it's done right I guess.
It was a nice try, but it didn't go so well. I was kitchen helper but I was standing next to my housemate who was working security. We both looked at each other with a smile and I said sarcastically, yet quietly to him, "That's beautiful." He laughed. Then I said, "Actually, it is kind of beautiful." He said, "Oh yeah, wait until you get to be the host. These people will really love you." There are a lot of good people that come and eat in here. However, I guess it didn't strike much of a chord with one of our guests.
This chick with pink hair stood up so quickly her pants came down. She walked out of the dinning room with her pants down around her thighs wearing no underwear. She was young and a little strung out, but....I won't go there. She was walking away from me so I couldn't see if the carpet matched the drapes. Probably not. Perhaps my humor is inappropriate for my blog. Oh well.
My friend who was working security said to me, "You should have seen this chick on Christmas. She flashed me her (breasts)." I guess she thought it was Mardi Gras, not Christmas. My friend said, "Mam, if you do that again, you're out of here." He might as well have thrown her some Mardi Gras beads. Out she went.
This morning, this guy was intentionally running out in front of cars. He would hide behind a building in the ally beside CityTeam and when one of the traffic lights at either end of the block would turn green he'd wait for cars in the front of the traffic to get near and dart out in front of them. Sixth Street is one of the only two way streets around this neighborhood. It was kind of like watching someone play frogger, but trying to lose.
After watching him a couple of times, I yelled, "Dude!" He turned around, looked at me and yelled, "If only you knew what they did to me!" He looked insane. I didn't know what to do. A bus was coming and a guy yelled, "go now!" I couldn't watch. I went inside and started writing. I also found out that the house manager, lets call him Barry Bonds, had already called the police. I stopped writing because I began thinking, "I can't let this guy kill himself." Thankfully when I walked outside, the cops had already gotten to him.
Perhaps CityTeam saved that mans life this morning. I'll never forget a few years ago when I was staying at this pee-in-the-sink Tenderloin hotel getting high. Some guy committed suicide by laying his head under a bus tire outside the hotel I was staying. That has always stuck with me.
It's strange, because last night, I started playing a song I wrote so many years ago. It's called "Killing Ourselves". My dad and I were both really struggling about six years ago. Me with my meth addiction and he with his alcoholism. I don't really want to talk about it because it was a very hard misunderstood time for a lot of people. I didn't speak to my dad for three months because of all of the "misunderstanding". I felt as thought I had never pointed the finger at anyone for all my troubles in life and as though all the sudden I was being blamed for my dads struggles. He was drinking because he was "worried about me." I never once said, "I started using because my parents drank." - even though that's probably why I did. I didn't deny he was worried, but it was kind of a chicken or the egg situation.
I just couldn't take it. I used a lot. I was spending a lot of time at the ocean using. It was such a hard time. I knew one of us was going to die. When I wasn't using, I was searching. One day, I took my guitar to the ocean and wrote the song, Killing Ourselves.
A few days later he called and I answered. He was alone in a hotel room. The hotel room I had dropped him off three months earlier with his oxygen tank to help kick him out of his own house. I was trying to protect my little brothers. I was also giving him some tough love. I wanted him to go to rehab. He said he would if I would. Neither of us would.
He was upset and told me he wanted to die. He told me he couldn't do it anymore. I told him, I knew how he felt but ultimately the decision was up to us. I told him I loved him. I went out and got high. I returned three days later. Susan was standing in the door and I knew he was dead.
(I'm in the mountains right now (6-15-2012). When I get back to San Francisco, I'm going to look for the photo I took of myself that day out at the beach when I wrote that song. The shirt I had on had a number three on it. I write about the number three in a blog you will read after this that I didn't know I was going to write when I wrote this. I'm sure none of this makes sense. I know what I'm trying to say and I'm confused.)
While I was out on the three day binge when and my dad died, I found an angel:
 |
| I used to collect all kinds of things I found out there. It kind of bothered Susan. We threw most of it way the last time I was on the run that ended it for us. |
Speaking of killing ourselves, I quit smoking! It's only been four days, but I do know I'm done. I'm not really a smoker. I had to just get over that little hump of mine. I had to make it a couple of days without smoking. As long as I never use again, I'll never smoke again.
I was just using it as a crutch. It was becoming a habit. I do have a half a patch on today. I think I'll go to a quarter of a patch tomorrow.
It's been hard to be at CityTeam, but I love it. My faith is really growing. Helping people is really rewarding. Realizing God is doing for me what I could not do for myself, well, that's a miracle.
The song, Killing Ourselves, was written literally about what was going on at that time in my life, but I think the lyrics can apply in a lot of situations. Take care of ourselves. Stop beating ourselves up. Stop pointing the finger. Help others.
I didn't do what the last verse suggested back then, but I knew it had something to do with it. I knew it made sense to help people. I'm seeing that serving God is what I really need to do. God's will.
The song, Killing Ourselves, was written literally about what was going on at that time in my life, but I think the lyrics can apply in a lot of situations. Take care of ourselves. Stop beating ourselves up. Stop pointing the finger. Help others.
I didn't do what the last verse suggested back then, but I knew it had something to do with it. I knew it made sense to help people. I'm seeing that serving God is what I really need to do. God's will.
It's a terrible recording and I'm not the greatest musician, but I hope the song makes some sense.
The sun sets over the ocean once again.
looks like I wont be going home again
seems there should be more to life than this
maybe someday I'll find a way to fit in
But for now I cant seem to find my way
It gets harder each and every day
Feels like I'm going insane
so why we killing ourselves?
Why we killing ourselves?
Your not the only one in so much pain
why does everyone always need someone to blame
It gets really tiring playing in the game
it's no wonder why we turned out this way
But it doesn't matter what I say
People have to find someone to blame
all this does is add to the pain
So why we killing ourselves?
Why we killing ourselves
I feel myself starting to decay
But it doesn't have to be this way
Why we killing ourselves?
Maybe someday we all will understand
but for now we should do all that we can
at least try to lend a helping hand
and do all we can for every woman and man
Cause it doesn't have to be this way
we only have to live day to day
Stop driving ourselves insane
stop killing ourselves
stop killing ourselves
seems there should be more to life than this
maybe someday I'll find a way to fit in
But for now I cant seem to find my way
It gets harder each and every day
Feels like I'm going insane
so why we killing ourselves?
Why we killing ourselves?
Your not the only one in so much pain
why does everyone always need someone to blame
It gets really tiring playing in the game
it's no wonder why we turned out this way
But it doesn't matter what I say
People have to find someone to blame
all this does is add to the pain
So why we killing ourselves?
Why we killing ourselves
I feel myself starting to decay
But it doesn't have to be this way
Why we killing ourselves?
Maybe someday we all will understand
but for now we should do all that we can
at least try to lend a helping hand
and do all we can for every woman and man
Cause it doesn't have to be this way
we only have to live day to day
Stop driving ourselves insane
stop killing ourselves
stop killing ourselves
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