I have 225 days clean today. This is the longest amount of time I have been able to stay clean since I was 12 years old. I started using soon after I found my mother dying. I believe that in many ways, it was her addiction that killed her. I believe my father would have also lived if it weren't for his addiction.
Like my mother and my father, it nearly killed me too. I thank God every day that I am alive. I may not be the happiest person, but I am grateful.
(10/25/13 - I just found out yet another person from "Christian Choas" died. "James Dean" was a good friend. He was there for me while I was in the hospital. The last time we talked, he was in a homeless shelter. I know he was struggling with alcohol. I assume he lost his battle to this horrible, evil disease. I'll learn more soon. This hurts.)
I have tried to get clean for over 10 years. It has been very difficult for me. I had to loose so many things. My life was nearly lost a few times. This last time was the worst. I had been "dealing" with the devil himself. This is never a good thing!
I started hearing voices so many years ago. I remember not long after they were trying to help me, the tried to get me to go to rehab. I would usually mess the whole thing up. One night, while talking to a voice that claimed to be God, I did such a thing. I wouldn't go to the rehab I had recently left.
God was with me the whole time. For hours I wondered the streets of San Francisco. I walked nearly half the circumference of this city. It was at least 15 miles. Once I reached Ocean Beach, I saw my friends who's voices had been trying to help me those first couple of years. I turned them into beastly looking creatures with their anger towards me.
I went up and down the entire length of Ocean Beach a few times. From the Cliff House to the hang glider launch pad at Fort Funston. Each way is probably 4 or 5 miles. I was supposed to catch some type of transport into outer space. I had to do as I was told and BE ON TIME! I was to catch some sort of mother ship. Finally with all the Good voices warding off all the lost and dark souls in the remote area in the middle of the night, I made it to the launch pad.
 |
| You get the "picture". I was directed to the "Launch Site". Literally.
Just like I was to do the end of last year during the "soul consumption" process, I was to lay very still. Back then, I was going to disappear into outer space. I was not going to hell.
I remember God asked me "What will you miss about being on earth?" I said, "Nothing." That was the wrong answer. That was not even true for me - when I was clean. I miss a lot now and I'm still on this earth. I just became so lost and twisted when I was on that drug. I'd do strange sexual things and I ultimately jumped off a rooftop. I wish I would have not tried to kill myself, but, that act does let me know that I am not me when I am shooting crystal meth.
I couldn't believe God would spend time with someone like me. The devil sure did. This Universe is so amazingly complicated. The reality is God is always with us.
Twice, I was to disappear into space. The one time, on the launch pad, it felt as if my legs were being ripped off by all the suction. I was being pulled into "something". I had jus walked over 20 miles, but I always did that. It HURT! Every time I was to disappear "somewhere", it was painful. I was never able to "Lay Still!" Going into space, I was to watch the earth slowly disappear. I would have plenty of time to think about all I would be losing. I would eventually starve to death.
I assume this is what I would have seen early in my "voyage" away from this planet that night. I would have had to watch all the cities I had family in, disappear.
My soul would get another chance. What I really wanted to know was, "Is this to end or just begin?" I don't think I would be able to remember anything when I made it back to earth and that part I didn't like. I guess it was a sort of a reincarnation. I would eventually realize that I would actually miss a lot. In my tweaked out state of mind, I gave God the wrong answer. Perhaps it was ultimately right for me. God knows everything and gives us all so many chances. I know this.
So many times I did go through with the voices instructions. After many years, I wasn't going to get another chance. A friends voice told me this was my last chance on earth. Apparently, God was willing to give me another. Actually, God did give me another. Actually, God gave me many! I will be forever grateful.
I have 225 days clean today. God willing, tomorrow, I will have 226. I will celebrate a new record every day for the rest of my life.
God works through so many. So many have meant so much to me. Thank all of you.
Should I fall out of love, my fire in the light;
To chase a feather in the wind? Within the glow that weaves a cloak of delight, There moves a thread that has no end. For many hours and days that pass ever soon, The tides have caused the flame to dim. At last the arm is straight, the hand to the loom; Is this to end or just begin? All of my love, All of my love, All of my love to you now. All of my love, All of my love, Oh, all of my love to you now. The cup is raised, the toast is made yet again. One voice is clear above the din. Proud Aryan, one word, my will to sustain. For me, the cloth once more to spin. All of my love, All of my love, All of my love for you now. All of my love, All of my love, Yes, all of my love to you child. Yours is the cloth, mine is the hand that sews time; His is the force that lies within. Ours is the fire, all we can find. He is a feather in the wind. Oh, all of my love, All of my love, Oh, all of my love to you now. All of my love, Ohoo oh, yes, All of my love to you now. All of my love, All of my love, All of my luh-huv, luh-huv Sometime, sometime, sometime, sometime .. ooh Hey hey hey.. hey hey heey Oohoo yeah It's all, all, all, all, all of my love, All of my love, All of my love to you now. All of my love, All of my love, All of my love to you and you and you and yeah. I get a little bit lonely, Just a little, just a little, just a little bit lonley Just a little bit lonely |
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