I Stand Alone

(I wrote this blog 8/31/13)

The director of this program is so unfriendly to me.  I don't understand.  He's so short with me about everything.

I'm not sure if I wrote about the time I asked him if he read my own strength proposal and he just looked at me.  I first asked if he read my proposal.  No answer.  I then added, "You know, the one we do for own strength?  I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I wasn't sure if I needed to find a buddy."  Still, no answer.  I had to just walk away.

It was bad enough that he was on vacation for a week when I became eligible.  He had been back for two days before I decided to ask him.

Now, I've been waiting for two weeks to get a door hinge and lock on my newly installed closet door so I don't get anything else stolen - especially my guitar I picked up 1 1/2 weeks ago in anticipation of a locking door.  I figured the hard part was over.  The door had been put on. 

The manager of this place is really nice.  He's in charge of these things.  A couple of days ago, I saw he was not here so I asked the director isfhe would be in the next day.  He said, "No."  I asked if he was on vacation.  He said, "Yes."  I told him how I had a door on my closet now, but how my roommate did not.  I then said, "I assume the hinge and other door is coming soon.  How should I get the lock?"  He said, "(The Managers name)"  In other words, I have to wait, at least, until he gets back from his vacation.  

People who heard my playing my guitar were asking me if they could play it.  I told them that I really wanted to keep it "unknown" that I had a guitar in my room until I got a lock.  They suggested I tell my Care Coordinator.  That is how they got theirs.

This morning, I told my counselor how I now I had a door, but no lock.  She said, "Talk to (the director) while (the manager) is on vacation.  I didn't like the idea, but I figured I'd at least ask if he knew if things were coming along on getting the latch put on.

After breakfast, I stood in line behind someone waiting for my turn to talk to the director.  Then, some guy who left the program walked up and stood right next to him.  When it was my turn, he looked to this other guy, began talking and then walked away with him.  I was frustrated, but I let it go because that guy needed his things.

Later that morning, I went to the main office which he was in and stood waiting at the door, as we are told to do.  He said, "Back off, we're busy.  Give me a few."  I did.  I sat outside on the bench and patiently waited.  Meanwhile, a couple others walked up and stood at the door.  He ended up asking them to follow him to his office.  Again, I was frustrated, but let it go.

Finally, I was walking behind him outside and said, "Oh hey, (directors name), do you know how things with the latch on my door are coming?"  He abruptly stopped and said, "I told you, you have to wait!"

I said, "We didn't talk about this...."  He interrupted me in an angry tone and said, "I told you to wait!"  No he didn't.  He told me I had to get the lock from (the manager).  I was asking about having the latch installed as I was just told to do by my Care Coordinator.  He wouldn't even listen to my request.  I said, "You could at least be kind."  He said, "What did you say?"  I said, "You're so short with me."  Sometimes, he won't even answer me. 

He said, "I told you the other day.  You guys want everything yesterday!"  I said, "It's been 2 weeks and I've already had my phone stolen and every night at the meeting people report something stolen."  He said, "You shouldn't leave stuff in your room." 

I can't carry everything.  I knew he wouldn't listen to my explanation as to how that happened.  He basically became more angry towards me. 

When I reported that phone was stolen, the staff member I reported it to back then said the same thing, "You shouldn't have left it unattended in your room."  I knew this.  I never had until the 3 week old phone broke and I was trying to charge it while at dinner.  I was having a hard enough day before that happened.  The little red light blinked when I plugged it in, so I thought maybe it was going to at least charge enough for me to get information I needed off of it.

I'll never forget, a couple of weeks later someone stole the brand new DVD player.  One of the other managers said he was going to tear everyone's room apart until it showed.  Someone actually knew where it was after he said that.  They sure weren't so concerned about finding my new phone.  I was only reporting it because I felt it should be reported.  I didn't expect it to be looked for.

I know the staff are busy and deal with tough people.  I try to hard to be nice to (the director).  No more "Good mornings" from me.  He never replies anyway.  I'll be out of here soon.  I do love my Care Coordinator.  Not many even like her.  I do appreciate the directors role - not his attitude.  I hope that some how, some day, he lightens up on me.

(10/29/13 - I  waited for that latch to be put on for at least 2 months.  It never happened.  I finally asked if I should go buy one.  I was told I should, but would not be reimbursed for it.  Eventually, I would just move to another room that had a door with a latch.  I gave the latch I bought to the roommate who was still in that room in exchange for a haircut.)

 I've told you this once before
Can't control me
If you try to take me down
You're gonna break
I feel your every nothing that you're doing for me
I'm thinking you ought to make your own way

I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone

You're always hiding behind your so-called goddess
So what
You don't think that we can see your face
Resurrected back before the final falling
I'll never rest until I can make my own way
(I'm not afraid of fading)

I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading  I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone

And now it's my time
(Now it's my time)
It's my time to dream
(It's my time to dream)
Dream of the skies
(Dream of the skies)
Make me believe that this place isn't plagued by the poison in me
Help me decide if my fire will burn out before you can breathe
Breathe into me

I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside