All That I'm Living For

(I wrote this one somewhere around 7/31/13.)

I've been feeling horrible lately.  I've been nauseous, depressed, sad, lonely....  I've been doing something as a result - praying.  I've been begging to "feel" a little better.  I'm starting to.  Things are improving.  My new doctor was great!  She filled all my prescriptions for a month on our first meeting without trouble.  She also referred me back to the old clinic that I just left because she says that a new, very good, doctor is returning.  I trust her.

I used to be a different person.  I was strong, motivated and successful.  Addiction changed those things.  I lost my soul mate and high school sweetheart after she saved my life and I became homeless.  I even attempted suicide. 

If someone would have told me that someday I'd be shooting up on the streets of San Francisco, I'd have thought that was crazy!  If someone would have told me that I would attempt suicide by jumping off the rooftop of a 50 foot high parking garage at a train station next to the San Francisco airport, I would have thought they were crazy!

I guess I was crazy!  I really was.  I was trying to stop dragging my loved ones down into the darkness in the Parallel Universe I existed.  Upon my death, I was going straight to hell.  It was a DONE deal.  It was insane, but it was an unselfish act.  That day is over, but I learned a lot from the insanity and feel I am supposed to share it - to whoever.  I intend to "take my darkest fears and play them."
 
Speaking of "darkest fears", I plan on sticking with God for the rest of my life!  For the rest of eternity for that matter!!!

I must stay SO grateful to God.  God gave me another chance.  That means SO much to me.  My trip to hell would have been "never ending."  That fact that God gave me another chance - Wow!  I mean, this last time, I was dealing with the devil.  We all know the devil is no one to deal with.  The devil will never give up on me.   Thanks to God, I have leaned a lot from my dance with the devil.  "Like a play of my obsessions, make me understand the lesson, so I'll find myself, so I won't be lost again."

Oh my goodness.  I'm really overwhelmed right now.  Goodness.  I've been so depressed lately, but why?  WHY?  I'm alive.  I'M ALIVE!  I'm sure I'll have some depressed future moments, but I'm alive!  I love you God.  Thank you. 

I need to do God's work!  I need to do God's Will!  God has been so Good to someone like me.  If God is Good to me, God can be Good to everyone!  Evil never gives up, but God ALWAYS wins!  It's so important we all know that.  It's so important I let that be known.  I'm no one special, but I am here for a reason.  Doctors and nurses always called me a miracle.  God is the miracle.  I was aware of God's presence long before my suicide attempt.  I've heard voices for so many years as a result of my IV crystal meth use.  That drug is evil, yet, it opened many doors. 

When I used to hear voices and they would predict things, Susan always said it was as if I was dreaming since I had not slept for days and that I was mixing up the order of things.  I know she was trying to help, but I still believe it was real.  It was real to me.  Either way, "I believe that dreams are sacred."  So I intend to "take my darkest fears and play them."

I've gone wrong so many ways.  Trust me, I don't reveal everything.  I was a tweaked out twisted sexual mess.  I do reveal that much, but not the twisted and delusional details.  They aren't really appropriate.  After all, in many ways, this blog is meant for young people.  Thankfully, no photos or videos exist - I hope.  Well, probably that one, but....  I hope they lost it somehow.  That was the beginning of my IV meth nightmare.  God saw it all.  That's all that really matters.  Please, know that whatever your doing is no secret to God.  That's why The Truth means so much to everyone.  Also know, God is very understanding and forgiving.  Also know, his wrath is as one could imagine.  I brought God's wrath on myself. 

It is so important I never go wrong again.  I will remain on God's side and God will remain with me as long as I do what I am about to do for the rest of my life - STAY CLEAN!

I get sad about the past, but it's over.  Today, I am with God.  Tomorrow, I will be with God.  When I feel down, I need to remind myself  that I am alive, thanks to God.  THAT is a miracle!  I'm still alive!  Thank you God.

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.

I can feel the night beginning.
Separate me from the living.
Understanding me,
After all I've seen.
Piecing every thought together,
Find the words to make me better.
If I only knew how to pull myself apart.

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

I believe that dreams are sacred.
Take my darkest fears and play them
Like a lullaby,
Like a reason why,
Like a play of my obsessions,
Make me understand the lesson,
So I'll find myself,
So I won't be lost again.

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me,
To be the one.
I could have run forever,
But how far would I have come
Without mourning your love?

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

Should it hurt to love you?
Should I feel like I do?
Should I lock the last open door,
My ghosts are gaining on me.