Touch Too Much

( I wrote this blog 9/10/12)

Talk about being overwhelmed today. I have been. It’s all been good – I think. I spent from 8:00 AM until 6:00 PM at either General Hospital or The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic. I love General Hospital. I LOVE The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic! That is my new health clinic. Why did it take me so long to choose this place. I love them. They care so much. My new primary care physician is there. All of the staff and nurses are so kind and caring and are not rushing me out of there like my last crazy doctor - Dr. Zoo.

I was there for three hours today. And, I have to go back tomorrow to see a social worker. Attempting suicide has done so much for me. I know it sounds crazy, because it is. I know I sound crazy, because I was. Everyone knows that. They think I may still be. I’m not. Am I? I’m not suicidal. As long as I never shoot up again that is.

Speaking of shooting up again, remember Tweaker Chick? Tweaker Chick is the hot scrawny little tweaker who showed up to that last program I was the day Susan moved back to Cincinnati. For years I feared that possible day would come.  And, if it did, I knew “something” would come at me that day. It was her. She begged me to have sex with her. She had just shot some meth.  I knew how she felt.  I eventually gave in.  She was so into it.  "She wanted it hard.  And wanted it fast."

She wanted me to feel as she did.  While we were having sex, she begged me to shoot up with her. I wanted to so bad, but I had to meet my friend who I had purposefully planned to take photos with that day.  It was to help me through a tough day.  It may have helped me not use that day.  We were to meet at 10:00AM.  Tweaker Chick showed up too early!  It was 7:00 AM.  I had sex with her, but, I did not shoot up with her!  Still, I really felt like I relapsed.  In some ways, I did.  It would eventually lead me down a dark path.

 I was really having a hard time that day.  I wrote about it that night.  This blog must remain Truthful.  It was the pastor of Christian Chas reading the blog that got me into the office.  She always read it.  Believing I was in "relapse mode", she put me on restriction.  All this, of course, reached the director.  He read the blog.  He knew about it, but had not read it. 

The director found all the honest parts about how chaotic things were happening there.  I wrote things like, "so many people are relapsing...."  They were.  I also wrote how I should “break more rules....” I was basically venting and being sad and concerned. A counselor had also done something questionable – I leave it at that. Basically, I think the director thought I was a loose cannon. I tell my truth, not others – unless I give them nicknames.  I protect peoples anonymity.

This tiny little chick that I found myself attracted to entered detox today. I thought, “What is it about this tiny little crazy seeming chick that I am so attracted to?”  She looked so hot.  "She had the face of an angel, Smiling with sin.  A body of venus with arms." 

She came up to the front desk while I was working, asking me to help her get into a program I was in years ago. I got all her info, including her name. Then, she said, that’s my name, but people call me (a nickname). That's when I realized.  I have a nickname for her too – Tweaker Chick. Wow. It is so weird to see her. 

She got very close to me, but, I can tell she doesn’t remember. I barely did. It was only her nickname that reminded me of that day that ended up getting me kicked out of Christian  Chaos. I knew she looked familiar. And, like I said, I was strangely attracted to her. If I were as tweaked out as she was that day, I wouldn’t remember her at all.

Speaking of Christian Chaos, someone else showed up here today. It’s Surfer Dude. I have been trying to track him down for a while now. I lost his number along with my phone about a year ago. He’s such a good guy. He was the first person to call me after I relapsed the first time. I actually answered the phone. He was very supportive. He told me not to give up or to make a big deal of my mistake. I understand what people mean by that, but for me using is such a big deal. It sends me to such a dark place anymore. I can’t use again.

Surfer Dude was my roommate in the last program. We became close. He is also an artist. He was very aware of, interested in and supportive of my Photography Street Artist Business. He always was. After that relapse, he really encouraged me to not give up on all that I had achieved. He had always expressed interest in wanting to hang out with me one day while I sold my work. I think he was interested in possibly becoming a Street Artist himself someday. I would of, of course, assisted him in his effort to do so. We lost contact after I lost my phone back last November. He lived in Santa Cruz at the time.

 

Surfer Dude being the great artist he is in our room at Christian Chaos.

 

We’ve been catching up quite a bit in the couple hours we have discovered each other again. I will certainly give him my number. He no longer has one, but as long as he gets into a program somewhere, he’ll get one back someday.

It’s funny because he also heard that I fell. He heard I was pretty messed up. That part is true. I told him that I jumped. I told him the whole insane story and how it all came to be. He found it interesting. Lot’s of people tell me that I am a good storyteller. When one lives a life as ridiculously insane as mine, it makes for good stories I guess. I guess the “he fell” part is what circulated around Christian Chaos. The thing about me is, no one could believe I could possibly be suicidal. Many of my close friends and family didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe it! I can’t believe it. Even after I had lost everything last year and was in a program people saw me for the outgoing, positive and helpful to others person that I am. And, they saw me as someone who loves life and is grateful to be alive.

I always wrote that if I ever relapsed, I’d be dead.  I didn’t think I’d be suicidal. I wasn’t’ trying to prove myself right either! I just figured that somehow it would happen. It had become very dark for me even before my last relapse. The thing about the person I am is it is no where near the person I become when I shoot meth. I am so different. It is night and day. The only one who has REALLY seen me is Susan.  I would sometimes speak to my brother and my stepmother, but not many really understand. Actually, no one understands – including Susan.

Those days are over. It’s great to see Surfer Dude. His timing was just right. I was able to let him know that the seed that got my suicide attempt growing was here with us. Not that Tweaker Chick is a bad person. I feel sorry for her. It seems like she’s really not all there. I mean, she is a lot better seeming than the day she begged me to have sex with her and while we did, she begged me to shoot up with her. That messes me up just writing about that. It creates some craving. That’s how sick I am! 
 

I will never be that person again. I have great friends in recovery. It appears as though I have reclaimed another. It’s always nice to see people take that first step by coming into detox. They all have a long way to go with odds against them, but I pray that Surfer Dude makes it. I wish he’d get into this program, but that’s not easy. Apparently, a suicide attempt opens the door.

I was going to name this blog Wipe Out and use that song because of Surfer Dude, but I just can’t get this AC/DC song our of my head. The other blog I finished yesterday morning, the same day I had to write this one was called Dirty Eyes. It fits this blog too, but nothing like this song. I always loved this song and wanted to use it in a blog, but figured a I never could. When I was really young, I use to think about a 1973 Trans Am having a Touch Too Much, not a woman. I was such a dork. I guess I still am. Now a days, I am a dorky sex addict. That addiction is really under control though. I promise.

(9/12/13)

Well, Tweaker Chick only lasted one night. She seemed pretty out of it still. I do feel for her. She seems like a nice person who is just so lost. She's so cute. She's just so messed up still. I heard her walking down the third floor hall which has co-ed rooms singing “I'm leaving, on a jet plane. Don't know if I'll back again.” I figured I wouldn't see her anymore after that. I didn't.
 

Surfer Dude is sticking around. He's there for six days. He's trying to get in a program. He doesn't want to get into the Wally World zoo. That's the way he sees it. I can't say I blame him. I am grateful for this place, but it is a zoo. Any place that the staff get hospitalized by a client, is.... Well, it's a zoo.

I haven't been there much the past few days. I've been where I am right now most of the time – General Hospital. I have so many problems right now. It's not worth me listing them all. And, some are kind of personal. I love The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic. They are so nice there. What took me so long to figure that out. They are very friendly and patient.

Yesterday, I was there for three hours! That never would have happened with that Doctor Zoo at that “other” city clinic. Mission Neighborhood Clinic that is. Those doctors were very wrong to me. That's just the truth. Doctors are supposed to make you feel better, not worse. I'll leave it at that.

They were so thorough and kind at The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic. This really cute nurse did a very thorough exam of me. She even struck her finger up my rear end. That wasn't fun! Thorough – not fun! Like I said, I've had a lot of issues lately. I'm at General getting lots of test today. I had a lot of internal damage done after I jumped. I'm sure I'll be okay. I've got to get a blog transcribed while I wait 2 hours to get my prescriptions filled. 

 

(10/31/13 - Surfer Dude disappeared from Wally World.  I knew he didn't like it there, but hoped he would stick around.  I didn't see him for a couple of months, until a week ago.  I always know someone on the bus.  Last Thursday, it was him.  I was so glad to see him.  He is at a program on Haight Street, about a 1/2 mile away from Wally World.  He looked great.  He also had a phone.  We exchanged numbers. 

 

Friday, Surfer Dude called me to let me know that yet another person from Christian Chaos died.  Six died in the 4 1/2 months I was there.  Five were graduates and one was a resident.  This is the seventh I am aware of.  This time, it was James Dean.   James Dean was a good guy.  James Dean came to see me in the ICU.  He called me while at Laguna Honda and was going to come see me there.  He never showed and when I tried to call him, his phone was no longer is service.  He will be missed.  I love that guy.

Lately, I've been craving a "tweaker chick".  I've been craving a lot more than that.  I'll have my own place soon.  If recovery has ever mattered to me, it's now.  If there was ever a time I can never use again, it's now.  If a "tweaker chick" wanted to come up to my new place and use....  I can't think like that.  I can't.  I've been praying so hard every day that I never use again.  Please God.  Please.)

 

 

 

It was one of those nights
When you turned out the lights
And everything comes into view
She was taking her time
I was losing my mind
There was nothing that she wouldn't do
It wasn't the first
It wasn't the last
She knew we was making love
I was so satisfied
Deep down inside
Like a hand in a velvet glove

Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Too much for my body, too much for my brain
This kind of woman's gonna drive me insane
She's got a touch, a touch too much

She had the face of an angel
Smiling with sin
A body of venus with arms
Dealing with danger
Stroking my skin
Let the thunder and lightening start
It wasn't the first
It wasn't the last
It wasn't that she didn't care
She wanted it hard
And wanted it fast
She liked it done medium rare

 

Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Too much for my body, too much for my brain
This kind of woman's gonna drive me insane
She's got a touch, a touch too much

Seems like a touch, touch too much
You know it's much too much, much too much
I really want to feel your touch too much
Girl you know you're getting me much too much
Seems like a touch
Just a dirty little touch
I really need your touch
Cause you're much too much too much

 

Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Seems like a touch, a touch too much
Too much for my body, too much for my brain
This kind of woman's gonna drive me insane
She's got a touch, a touch too much