Comedown

(I wrote this blog on 8/2/13)

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of ones weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

I have been praying so hard recently. And, I can’t agree more that I am not asking, but I am having a “longing of the soul.” I want to get back to having quotes at the beginning of my blogs. I used to do that. They have always “coincidently” fit into my words of the day.

I must say, I feel so much better today. For one, I have morphine. My last doctor under-prescribed me, so not only was I in pain, I was nauseous. I was actually more nauseous than in pain. That morphine is no joke.

I love the new doctor I just met with. She actually prescribed all of my medications for a month - the first time I saw her. She also referred me back to the clinic I use to go to – the one with the pain and nausea creating doctor. However, she said that a new and very good doctor would be there my next visit. I trust this nice doctor.

My prayers were answered. God is revealing himself in so many ways. Not only did my doctor situation approve, my overall mindset has improved. I begged to be relieved from my sadness and depression and it seems to have been lifted – mostly. I still have my moments. It’s eventually, of all things, music that triggers my tears.  Music has always been a big part of my life, especially the parts I lost.

Speaking of music, I cannot wait to play some. One of my band mates called me yesterday and left me a message. He referred to himself as “rock-n-roll star #2” and me as “rock-n-roll star #1”. He’s too funny.

He said he and my other band mate are putting a set together in which I’ll be singing most of the songs. These guys who are very good musicians really have a lot of faith in me. I may have found us a bass player. She is at this rehab. I hope so. We need one.

Prayer is amazing. Please, if you do not pray, start.  Pray to whomever or whatever - just pray.  As Gandhi put it, “It is a longing of the soul.”

One thing my addiction has shown me is that there is a God. It’s not that I didn’t believe in God before, but I didn't need God.  So I thought.  I put myself in to an earthly hell, but doing so brought God to the forefront. Actually, this last time, it brought the angel of darkness to the forefront. God always remains beautifully subtle in the background. But, God always wins. God wants you and me to be with him, TRUST ME.  If he bothered to save my soul, he’ll be there for everyone. Everyone includes you. Believe me, that is an amazingly beautiful blessing. I promise.

I just realized something. That person I became when I am using is not me! I did so many weird and wrong things when I was high – especially the sex part. I cannot imagine doing the weird and wrong things I did. Just as much as I can’t imagine jumping off the rooftop of a 5 story parking garage! As much as I wish I hadn’t done such a thing, that “such a thing” proves to me that I am not the person I become when I shoot that evil drug.  In many ways, that evil drug possesses me.

Oh yeah, and as far as the “longing of the soul” goes, I am actually starting to settle in to this place. I think the other clients are starting to see that I am not a bad person. I care about people. I LOVE everyone, even the tough ones – from a distance. Sometimes, ignoring people and shutting them out is the best way to love them. I pray that someday, the may see the light.

Finally, one more thing. I did something today I am not supposed to – I ran. Actually, I jogged. It was a very slow – one lap around the facility. It is a small block. It is a 3 sided block.  The two long streets are long, gradual hills and the one very short one is a short, steep uphill. I held my cane in both hands. It was like holding on to a bar on a roller coaster. It felt fun. I did not get my runners high, but maybe someday. I was told not to run, but I did. I can’t help it. If I start to hurt, I’ll stop.

I have also been working out. In the hospital, when I weighed only 125lbs, I actually hard a six pack! I was so skinny. Those shots in my stomach hurt when hitting straight muscle.  Some of those nurse weren't good at getting under the skin.  I know too much about using needles.  I eventually ate chocolate until I got a little belly.  Friends and family bought it for me!  Those "shots in the stomach" days are over! I want my 6 pack back!!!  I've gained almost 25lbs!  It's a good weight, but I want to get tone again.  I was in such good shape while at Christian Chaos.  I ran 5 miles a day and did 100 sit ups, 70 push ups and some curls every day.  These days, I need an elliptical. It is low impact.  Impact is why no one is supposed to run - especially me!  I was just told that disabled people can go to the YMCA for free on Wednesdays. I’m going!

Thank you God for lifting my depression lately. Prayer really has been the answer. I’m still the same person, but I’m not hating myself anymore – as often. I might even be feeling a little bit happy – defiantly less depressed. God really has answered my prayers. 

 I  feel like I am on my way out of the low lying space I have been since I’ve been in this program. I’ve really been in that space since January 15^th since I jumped. Talk about coming down. I guess I was really coming down. Literally! That’s the part I always hated after shooting up – coming down. I never wanted to.  However, I’m glad I came down from that. It took long enough! I always knew it would. That’s why I kept shooting up.  I never wanted that awful, long lasting comedown.  Now, I don’t want to comedown from this natural high! ‘Cause I don’t want to come back down from THIS cloud!”

 

 

love and hate get it wrong
she cut me right back down to size
sleep the day let it fade
who was there to take your place
no one knows never will
mostly me but mostly you
what do you say do you do
when it all comes down

cause I don't want to come back down from this cloud
it's taken me all this time to find out what I need yeah
I don't want to come back down from this cloud
taken me all this time to find out what I need

there's no blame only shame
when you beg you just complain
the more I come the more I try
all police are paranoid
so am I so's the future
so are you be a creature
what do you say do you do when it all comes down

'Cause I don't want to come back down from this cloud
it's taken me all this time to find out what I need (yea, yea, yea)
'Cause I don't wanna come back down from this cloud
it's taken me all this (all this)time

Shoot up
Shoot up
Shoot up
You're high

Love and hate get it wrong
she cut me right down to size
sleep the day, let it fade
who was there to take your place
no one knows never will
mostly me but mostly you
what do you say so you do when it all comes down

'Cause I don't want to come back down from this cloud
it's taken me all this time to find out what I need (yea, yea, yea)
'Cause I don't wanna come back down from this cloud
it's taken me all this (all this)time

Why did you
why did you
why did you
why did you
why did you
why did you
why did you
why did you
why did you come down
I don't wanna come back down from this cloud (this cloud, this cloud, this cloud this, this cloud, this cloud, this cloud, this cloud, this cloud, this cloud