Don't Say No

(I wrote this blog 8/7/13)

Well, I knew this day would come - the day I was asked to be Ramrod of the Nexus.  This means I am the manager of the front desk.  My "workers" are also the telephone operators and controls who comes through the front door.

I've never been a great manager.  I simply don't like telling people what to do.  Unfortunately, the people I will be managing are not exactly people I would hire to do the job we all do - in many cases.  Why I Don't Say No is a good question.  I just can't.  I've never really been able to - in most cases.  Especially if it's to "help out". 

Yesterday, I met with the Department of Rehabilitation.  While I hope to get back to being a Street Artist to some degree, someday, I may also want to get back to working in the "real world".  Just being in the office of that downtown high rise inspired me.  It took me back to the days of working on the 31st floor of the Carew Tower.  Back then,  with it's 49 floors, the Carew Tower was still the tallest building in Cincinnati.  I was simply reminded that I am an educated, intelligent and hard working person.

Eventually, I'll be able to buy a minivan or pickup truck to hall my artistic photography display - just like the good old days.   Actually, my street artist job is in the "real world".  I  need to remember that.  I end up working 60 to 80 hours per week.  It's just that it is my passion.  I guess if you love what you do, you never work a day in your life.

My new ramrod appointment will be an experience!  I hope to at least be able to factor it into my resume somehow.

I also got a call from a book publishing company yesterday.  They are of course looking for a small investment, but it sounds like I could actually make money - eventually.  Especially when I get back to being a Street Artist.  I could sell my books at my display.  I've considered calling the book, Beaty's Babbling Brain Book.  Who knows?  Who knows if I'll ever write it? 

As hard as things are here at times, I am grateful to be heading in the right direction.  My feelings of, "I can't take this place", are very much unrecognized by others around me.  Obviously, I was already asked to be in a managerial position today.  I am proud that I got "promoted" so fast.  I am also going to do my best to make it a better, best job here.  It really is the best job here.  The other common choices are laundry and kitchen work.  I'm sure some like to do those.  I prefer the front desk.  Since I am "disabled", I was chosen to be at the front desk.  Other disabled people and people who have been here for a while also work there. 

In the last program I was in, Christian Chaos, I started of being the dishwasher for the program residents dinner and all the people we served dinner to that were not in the program - such as homeless people.  I then became the breakfast and lunch cook for a while.  Then I was the driver.  One of the many things I did as the driver is shop at the Free Food Bank.  That program was much smaller and very different.  In some ways, I miss it.  I liked helping others.  It was no picnic either though.

I am grateful for this place.  Next month, when I meet with The Department of Rehabilitation, I'll ask for help incorporating my new job into my resume - maybe.  Maybe not.  I think I already know that just mentioning that I'm in rehab may not be good.  The job experience itself may be all I really gain.

I do look forward to my exit from this place, but I will except one day at a time.  I am exactly where I need to be.

(Later that day)
Well it's day one as Ramrod.  During the morning meeting, the staff member who is my Care Coordinator announced that I was going to be Ramrod and that I wanted to have a meeting with all of the people who works at the Nexus (front desk).  One person showed up to my meeting.

Since we lost some workers recently, I have to work 2 shifts today.  We are not supposed to do that.  I'm off to the start I expected.

I'm holding a mandatory meeting tonight!  I'll announce it myself at evening meeting.  Based on the amount of people we currently have to work, we will each have to work 4 shifts every 2nd or 3rd week.  I advised this to one of the clients and she said, "I ain't working 4 shifts!"  I knew that was coming from some.  I just don't want the same ones working 4 shifts all the time, so I intend to keep track of those who have and keep a record.  Those who haven't will have to the next week.  It's simple and it's fair.

People who have that type of attitude is exactly why said, "I never want THAT job!"  However, I also cannot say, "No".  Oh well, It'll work out.  Things are getting better.    Perhaps it's best I Don't Say No.

I had lunch with "her" today.  She is in detox, but because I had to work during the lunch for people who are in the program, I had to eat with people who are in detox.

She is so cute.  She is also a vegetarian.  We have that in common.  I told her I "did it for the animals."  She said she does it "for the vanity."  Talk about skinny.  She reminds me of Tweaker Chick who unknowingly helped me get exited from the last program.  Yesterday, Vanity Girl told me she drank a 5th of whiskey.  She also looks like a tweaker.  I don't ask personal questions and her sleeves have been long.  Not that I'd look for tracks.  Well, maybe.  (I now know she shoots into her neck.  It's a long story....)  She is just a nice friend.  I feel bad because I can't remember her name.  That's my TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) at work.  When she saw me she said, "Hi Dave" and sat to eat beside me.  That's when I learned she's a vegetarian.

I need to learn to ignore some of these people here.  Or, at least not let them bother me.  I'm working the front desk and  I just got a call from a clients very nice Aunt who was mailing her nephew something and had some questions about mailing things to here.  While I was very nicely talking to her, a woman came into the front door and was standing at the front desk.  Meanwhile, the old Ramrod came up and started talking to her.  After I was off the phone, the old Ramrod came up to me and said, "Were you handling personal business on the phone while someone was waiting here?"  No.  I of course nicely told her it was a clients Aunt who was trying to mail him something.  I'm sorry if I treat everyone "personal".  People need to mind there own business.  She's not the Ramrod anymore.   She couldn't "take" being it anymore.  She does laundry or something now.  GO DO LAUNDRY!  This "job" is hard enough without my ex boss standing over my shoulder - still.

I'm venting.  I'm learning that people here are just difficult.  There judgments of me are their judgments.  They are almost always wrong.

Other things are hard today.  I just called Walgreens to see if my prescriptions were ready to be picked up.  Walgreens, who wouldn't fill half of my prescriptions last week informed me that my MediCal has been cancelled.  MediCal didn't inform me - Walgeens did.  I called MediCal and they said they were waiting to see if I get SSI.  My SSI is pending.  I was last told by MediCal that it would stay intact until my SSI decision was made.  I'm not exactly in a situation where I can do anything to get insurance for all of the medications I currently take.  I'd rather take none, but I have little choice these days.  I'm already weaning myself off all I can.

Since MediCal was pulled out from under me, I was talking to my Social Worker, while sitting behind this desk.  Remember, I'm working ALL DAY - 2 shifts.  I staff member walked by and said, "Oh Dave?"  In other words, "why are you making a personal call?"  Well, when some of my medications run out tomorrow and I have no MediCal, I may need to be on the phone at some point today during business hours - which I have to work during.  After explaining this, he said, "Take it outside."  I figured being at the front desk was more important than not using my "personal phone" on "the boulevard".  That's what the front entrance hall by the desk I work is known as.

The thing is, I'm not doing things that wrong.  In fact, I'm helping this place out by filling in an extra shift and accepting the Ramrod position.  It seems like even if I'm doing something understandable, it's not okay.  I guess the staff member didn't know my entire situation and was simply enforcing the "rule".

God is with me today.  It's a hard day, but I'm coping.  I have faith everything will be okay.  Hard, but okay.

(Later that day.)
YAY!!!  I'm no longer Ramrod!  This young guy, who is in re-entry (which means he's been here for over 3 months and is looking for a job and housing.) wanted to be the Ramrod so bad.  I just had to give it up!  He just had to be it.  Fine with me.  I won't miss it.  Something tells me when he leaves, it'll be me!  I may do it if asked.  We know me, I won't say, "No."  Perhaps in the grand scheme of things, it is best if I Don't Say No.

 We live in confusion-my world is a vice
Nobody gets out alive...but you can break through the ice-
Don't say no
My wounds are the open kind-
I bleed every day
I pry for a chance of mind...could you take me away-
Don't say no...
Take on the system,playin' on the wrong side
Spend all my money tryin' to have a good time.
Come round to see you from time to time-
weak in the knees and I'm busted...
Some people they treat me kind...Some drive me away...
Some people they blow your mind...its no easy today
Don't say No...
I live on the borderline...you come from the void
i beg you to cross the line-you take good care of your boy.
Don't say No.
Got me a ticket sittin on a gold mine
Send me the int'rest take me where the sun shines
Come 'round to see me from time to time
Bring it to me when I'm Busted....
One minute I'm outa time...I don't fit in your game
You kill me in over-time... I don't remember my name.
One minute your on my mind...next minute your gone
You tell me to read read the signs...they tell me we're on...
Don't say No...