(I wrote this blog 8/15/13)
I really look forward to heading home soon. Hopefully, for the holidays! If that doesn't work out, then I'll come after them. Sometime soon I hope. It's been 3 years since I've seen so many that I really do love. I plan on spending about a month there. I hope to see so many who have been so good to me from so far away.
I have 7 months clean today. I went to the hospital for the 4th day in a row. I've been 5 out of the last 7 days. Losing MediCal has not been fun. My morphine intake has been cut in half. I can take the pain, but, it's the nausea I'm having a hard time with. I have been weaning myself off it. I would have been coming off of 300mg instead of 160mg had I not asked to be weaned off. Going from 160mg to 80mg makes me so sick. I can't imagine going down half of 300mg.
More than anything, I want to come home. I miss my family so much. There are some good people here, but, I just don't have anyone like I used to. I do have some good friends on the outside. If the director would read my "own strength" proposal.... I am a perfect client. I go to and participate in all groups. I do my job. I'M ON TIME! I never ask people to work for me. I get asked all day long. It's so hard saying "no", but if I always said "yes", I would be the only one working the front desk.
The director of the program is so disrespectful. He treats me with no respect. Yesterday, he got back from yet another vacation and was here all day. Since I had to go to the hospital AGAIN today, I went to him and very nicely (because he's not very approachable) asked, "Did you happen to see my proposal? I have to go to the hospital again and was wondering if I needed to take a buddy." He looked at me. No answer. I said, "You know, the paper I wrote for my own strength." He stared at me. No answer. I stood there for a moment and finally had to just walk away.
I don't get it. This man is the director of a major program. We are going through enough in life to be so disrespected. It's frustrating. I know a lot of people here have problems and that has hardened the staff, but give us a chance.
Getting my "own strength" is already a week overdue. I spoke to a guy in the sister program today and he said, "I got mine at 45 days." Come on. My life is hard. I'm trying to go to recovery meetings I need that no one in this program goes to. I want to volunteer at Laguna Honda Hospital. I need some freedom. This place is ridiculous. I am grateful, but I deserve a little respect.
I am grateful to be alive. I am also grateful that they said they would put a door on my closet. This means I can bring my guitar here. I want to practice with my band. That was supposed to happen last Wednesday, but I wasn't allowed to go by myself yet. Soon. It will come.
(10/18/13 - I would like to add that I got a door on my closet (my roommate never go one on his) after a couple of weeks but they never did put a latch on it or provide me a lock. I hid my guitar way under my bed. After a couple of months, I asked if I should buy a latch and a lock. I was told that I should. I was also told that they could not reimburse me for them. They did however need my combination to the lock I bought. I bought these things at the 99 cent store. I was unable to put the latch on myself. A good friend here has a drill. He was going to put it on for me, but I ended up moving into his room instead after Punk A** moved out of his room and went into satellite, SLE housing. What should I call my new roommate, band member and good friend? I know, I'll call him Pacific Placid. The closet in this new room has a door and latch, so I am able to use my new lock. I traded the latch to my old roommate who I will call Federal Freedom. I traded him for my new haircut. He didn't want anything for the haircut, but he needs that latch and I don't.)
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| I actually like it short. The scars on my head from my incident with tequila and a freight train, in the hills of Kentucky, can be seen - not so much in this photo. That happened when I was about 28 years old. My addiction has found a way to threaten my life, most of my life. I'll never forget my New Years resolution in my late 20's. I was going to "flirt harder with death." I think that may be one resolution I actually kept. Maybe that's why I made it. What was wrong with me? I guess I was "joking"? I still like the haircut. Simple. |
Did I mention I have missed everyone back home? "You don't know how easy it is to love you." I mean that. I'm in a tough environment. I can't wait to see so many of you. I don't know what it is about that Cincinnati suburb that loves me so much. I love it. And, all of you from it. I love the rest of Cincinnati too, but appropriately enough, I do come from the Land of Love - Loveland.
I miss that beautiful, serene little Ohio River tributary town. I wish I could go canoeing in the Little Miami River when I come home, but Ohio does not have California weather in December. I still can't wait to come home. Snow during the holidays might be nice for a change.
"There is no danger but from the devil. And he may want you but I'm in his way" I really am trying to be. The devil and I actually met a few times. He may have in some ways helped me get to where I am today. Trust me however, no one wants to meet that "big bad wolf". What we do want is a relationship with God. Trust me.
Good, good morning, so good to see you
You weren't just a dream of mine
Real as a raven, real as thunder
Real as the sun shining
But still so very hard to find
I can't imagine what's behind those sleepy eyes
You weren't just a dream of mine
Real as a raven, real as thunder
Real as the sun shining
But still so very hard to find
I can't imagine what's behind those sleepy eyes
Little stranger, don't try to hide now
You look so young and you're afraid
There is no danger but from the devil
And he may want you but I'm in his way
You don't know how easy it is
You don't know how easy it is to love you
You look so young and you're afraid
There is no danger but from the devil
And he may want you but I'm in his way
You don't know how easy it is
You don't know how easy it is to love you
And come the moonrise, when the dew falls
Don't be the sun that fades away
Don't leave me darkness, she is no lover
She hides the day
You don't know how easy it is
You don't know how easy it is to love you
Don't be the sun that fades away
Don't leave me darkness, she is no lover
She hides the day
You don't know how easy it is
You don't know how easy it is to love you
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