Slave To The Traffic Light

(I wrote this blog 8/3/13)

I'm hating myself again right now.  I f***ed up so much in my life.  I've lost so much.  I missed so many opportunities.  I miss so much!  I just found one of my "best friends" I met in 6th grade is in San Francisco to see Phish.  I'm not allowed to even leave this weekend because this house is under a lockdown.  It's something called "unity weekend".  I don't feel to unified over it!  I miss freedom!

I f***ed myself up so bad.  I have put myself in the worst possible places for the last 3 years.  For the last 10 years for that matter!

I don't live a life like a normal person.  I don't mean to be such a cry baby, but I moved here thinking I would host and entertain people like I did in Cincinnati all the time.  Especially friends.  Family too!  Because of my addiction, I have missed out on so much. 

I've literally completely missed the last 2 Christmases because I've been so f***ed up.  I purp0sefully did so much drugs so I wouldn't even realize it was Christmas.  I was so depressed about my situation that doing a huge hit was the only answer.  One year, I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas being a tweaked out mess on Golden Gate Beach. 

I hate myself so much sometimes.  When I get out of here, I can never look back.  I have to stay clean and be successful.  It won't change what I'm missing today.  I love to play tour guide - especially to people who have never been here before, like my friend and his wife.  I haven't been a "tour guide" for so many years.  I hope to be again - someday.

Please come visit me someday.  I'm lonely.  I'm not even allowed to go anywhere with my "best friend".  Being the good friend he is, he said he would come visit me - in rehab.  I'm so proud!  Yeah, right.  I am grateful I will see him.  It's been so many years.

This place is pretty hardcore and full of hardcore people.  I have nothing that helps me feel better here like my guitar, my computer, my camera or my bike.  I don't really even have any friends.  I have none of those things in this program.  We get very little freedom.  I really second guess my decision to come here.  I could have stayed at the hospital until I got a place.  I had so many things there.  I would have had to of advocated for myself to do so, but believe that would have been easier that what it is to be here.  I would have been allowed to hangout with my friend, that's for sure.  My life sucks.  I put myself here.  Dammit though - I'M ALIVE!  I must never forget that blessing.

I am grateful that my friends will at least get a chance to see this city.  And, they'll get to see this zoo I live in!  At least someone will!  They are here to see Phish.  They are big Phishheads!  I hope the have a good time.  I'm sure they will.  They'll be back someday - probably the next time Phish is in town!  Then, I'll go with them!  I'll also be going to Colorado someday - soon!

Slave to the traffic light, slave
Slave to the traffic light, slave

See the city, see the zoo
Traffic light won't let me through