Dirty Eyes

(I wrote this blog 9/10/13)

Where to begin?  Wally World.  I have always said that Wally World is a zoo.  I guess the Hollywood version was an amusement park.  This place is not amusing.  It is a hardcore place to be.
 
It accepts many people straight from prison.  The thing about the ex-cons, is they are not really the problem.  They are accustom to institutional living.  Like I said, Wally World likely feels more like a zoo more than an amusement park.  When I say it feels like a zoo, I am referring to how caged animals must feel.  At least today's zoos take good care of the animals.
 
Wally World tries.  The counselors do care, they are just so hard to be around sometimes.  When I approach them with a friendly, needed to be addressed question, the answer can be so short and come with an unfriendly tone.  I understand that they are dealing with animals.  Most of the difficult folks have street attitudes.  They have likely never actually lived on the street or they wouldn't have made it.  That or they would have changed their attitude.
 
The recent problem has been young punks.  Being young doesn't make them punks.  Being punks make them punks.  They had bad attitudes and did things like cut in the medication line when they thought no one was looking.  If I know you, I'll call you out.  If not, then I usually have a hard time doing this to people who are breaking rules.  I'm not a "snitch", but I don't like people doing things that effect me.  And, I need to get better about telling on people for EVERYONE'S sake.  Including the person I'm telling on.  Breaking rules only hurts themselves in the long run.  I just don't understand such selfish behavior as simple as line cutting.  
 
I can always tell who won't make it.  The problem with them is we have to put up with them until they find a way to exit themselves.  We've lost so many lately.  We've lost many who have been here for a long time - longer than me.  The thing about them is, I never really appreciated their attitudes, but I thought they might actually make it.  I hoped and prayed they would and that they would someday change their bad attitudes and, of course, stay clean.  I'm pretty sure we lost them because they relapsed.  That's pretty typical around here.
 
What's not typical is violence.  People talk violently often, but I've never seen anyone actually get violent.  I still haven't, but apparently, someone did.  Probably one of those young rule breaking punks.  All last weekend they were threatening physical confrontation with people.  We have a state inspection coming up next week so the staff have really been extra-anal about this.  We clean up twice a day.  On Saturday, we did a quadruple scrub.  In part, because the place was "Off the hook.", as one of the managers put it.  He yelled at us all and made some people "pack their bags."  This was on Saturday.  The house got "shut down" about 15 minutes before I was going to leave to jam with my band.  I finally got to leave an hour later - after I had to pull out my bed and clean up underneath it.  It did need it, I just had never been able to do this.  I had help pulling out.  I did the sweeping.  I had no idea it was that dirty.
 
I said how the counselors can be short, to the point and down right rude to us sometimes because they can.  This applies to all of them.  In many instances, they have to be this way.  Unfortunately, it carries over to many of us when it is not necessary.  There is this little old man who works here who rarely takes on that bad attitude.  He has us meditate before every group he leads.  Sunday, he got beat unconscious and hospitalized by someone.  I assume one of those young punks that were starting so much with so many. 
 
I really do need out of this place.  I am forever grateful, but many of my fellow clients are not.  Just talking back to counselors is inappropriate in my book.  Hospitalizing one is something I can't even imagine doing to anyone - much less someone who is there to help me.  I know they can be inappropriate to us, but I respect all of them - even the ones who don't respect me.
 
I am so overwhelmed recently.  It's all good.  My Social Worker had me fill out my pre-application for West Bay Housing.  Our goal is to have me in my own place by mid-November.  I will be so grateful if that happens.  I fear it may not, but I am hopeful.  I just want to come home for the holidays!  And, I need to get this blog current.  I'm writing this one on my computer at the hospital, but it won't be posted for a couple of months.
 
I have so much I need to do.  Writing a blog is one of them.  I haven't recently.  So many things have occurred.  I went to my physical for Social Security last week, so that ball is rolling.  I'll know in at least 5 weeks whether or not I get it.  It's not that I don't want to work someday, it's just that having 3 or 4 doctor appointments per week and all kinds of physical conditions will make working hard.  I'm at General Hospital right now.  Apparently, my bladder is not emptying when I urinate.  No wonder I get up 6 times per night.  This is just one of the many physical conditions my suicide attempt created.  I have a lot of internal damage.   It's not healing overnight.  In fact, it's been almost 8 months.  Unfortunately, I may have to catheterize myself before going to bed.  If it helps me sleep all night, then I guess it's a good trade-off.
 
Quit using now children.  I never dreamed I'd have all the health problems I do.  I never dreamed I'd lose so much and try to kill myself.  I promise people, that is just how that dark-side works.  Time is irrelevant in many ways.  It is "never ending" as the devil put it.  We have a lifetime to go downhill.  Making little mistake over and over add up over the years - until we find ourselves in what feels to be an irreversible path to hell.  That's where God has to come in.  If anyone is on a path to somewhere bad in their life, please - turn to God.  Even if you are not on that path - turn to God.  It does nothing but Good.  I promise.
 
I love all the doctors and nurses at General Hospital.  They are so kind - but then again, look where I live!  They are probably normal here.  I'm grateful for normal.  They are kind here.  I just hate these things on the wall.

Talk about Dirty Eyes!  Using these things creates them for me.  I understand why they are needed, I just hate seeing them hang on the wall.  They have too many of my favorite - 100cc, 29 gage syringes.  They are my favorite. Even the little orange caps trigger me.   For some reason, photographing such things and writing about it helps me - ART?  Hmm? I didn't even look at them while I took this photo.  I scrolled down to write after I posted it.



Where was I?  So many things are going my way. I got accepted to The Department of Rehabilitation.  They will help me get a job - some day.

I haven't written in over a week.  So much has happened.  Laguna Honda Hospital is going to use some of my photos for the Year End Report.  They are waiting for my article I am writing.  It's about me - of course.  Actually, they wanted it to be about me.  They want me to write about my transgression into, through and then out of Laguna Honda to be published in The Voice, Laguna Honda's newspaper.  It will include photographs - of me, of course.

I hope that someday, something about me will be published in the paper.  I will.  Even articles about me aren't really about me.  They are about God - just like this blog. 

I love writing.  I'm even going to help my roommate write his proposal so he can get on his "own strength".  How in the world that man has waited this long, I have no idea.  He got there the same day as me!  June 24th!  He's a good guy, but can't write.  I got a lot of good info from him and plan on writing it while I work the front desk tonight. 

Life's going okay for me.  I sure hope that little old man will be okay.  I guess he's still in the hospital.  I'm grateful for Wally World, but I sure won't miss it.

Did I mention my new friend who is going to start walking with me in the morning?  She's here for here gambling addiction.  She's 41 - my age.  She looks about 30.  She's Asian.  That's where my heart melts!  Is it my heart?  She's really nice and really cute and a good friend.  I promise I will leave it at that.  I got kicked out of the last program for being bad.  She's a good girl though.  There is something about here eyes though. Did I say how much I love Asian women?  There is just something about them.  

I'm a good boy these days.  I mean that.  I have to be.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I had dirty eyes for her though.

Honey, Yeah honey
You do it
Woooo, do it good
Do it all right, Every night
When you turn off the light
It's outta sight
(alright)

You hypnotize
Mezmorize
With your dirty eyes
Dirty eyes
Your dirty eyes

Breathin, Breathin heavy
Heavy, Heavy breathin
Send shivers down my spine
make me so glad that you're mine
That's what turns me on
All night long

You hypnotize, Mezmorize
With your dirty eyes
Dirty eyes
You got dirty eyes
Dirty eyes

Dirty eyes [ x 7 ]
I love your dirty eyes
Dirty eyes
Dirty eyes
Right through me
Your dirty eyes
Dirty eyes [ x 7]