I feel horrible and I'm frustrated. I feel horrible because I no longer have MediCal and I have started weaning myself off of morphine. The nausea is worse than the pain. I think I just want off it.
Also, I was eligible for "own strength" last Thursday. I had been here for 45 days. The director is always on vacation. He got back today and apparently reading my proposal was not on the top of the list. I so looked forward to playing with my band, but it will have to wait until next week. Seeing as how bad I feel, it's probably not a huge deal.
I'm so tired of having to take a "buddy" everywhere. I have been to the doctor 3 times this week. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. (I wrote this Wednesday.) Tomorrow, I have to got to the pharmacy at General Hospital for the 3rd time in the last 6 days. Friday will be the 4th. I really put myself in a difficult situation. I don't feel good, at all!
My doctor yesterday was so unhelpful and so uncaring. She basically thought I was a junkie wanting more narcotics. She wouldn't listen to me. She kept saying that people keep killing themselves from taking too much and that they can't keep prescribing narcotics to "us". I was only asking for an alternative since I'm off MediCal and Healthy San Francisco won't cover morphine.
I wasn't out of my prescription, I am taking half as much per day to stretch it out so I can wean myself off. She wouldn't listen to me to understand my situation. She told me I had been taking twice as much as I should. No, I am not. I am taking 1/2 as much as I should. Wally World would never dish out twice as much as I am prescribed. "Listen to me, Dr. Def!" Finally, I got it across to her, but she made me feel worse than I already did. Doctors are supposed to make a person feel better. Oh, by the way, Dr. Def is at The Mission Neighborhood Health Clinic. The same place as the last doctor who added to my pain - Dr. Zoo.
I need a job with insurance. I need a real doctor - that cares! Actually, the one I see next week is a very caring doctor. Dr. Listens & Cares is at The Mission Neighborhood Health Center - not Clinic. One is a block away from the other. I intend on sticking with this very nice doctor. Dr. Listens & Cares told me that a nice doctor would be back at Mission Neighborhood Health Clinic. I went yesterday, but that "nice doctor" wasn't there. Apparently, she'll only be there one day a month. I could keep belly aching, but that's not helping my belly ache.
I am so depressed lately. I have gotten a little better, but I'm still depressed. I am grateful I lived - for a change. I'll try to explain - later.
I am going to try to get the ball rolling so that I can go home for the holidays. I meet with my Care Coordinator tomorrow. My Social Worker says that has a lot to do with it. I need to get her approval as to when I can move out of Wally World.
I could complain about more, but I just don't like to. I want to be happy. I am grateful to be alive, but I struggle in this environment. I hope I get my own place some day. I'm willing to work. I want to work. I want health insurance. So many people here have SSI and MediCal. I hate to say this, but I don't always see why. Or, if they have it, I should have it. I'm disabled. So many here are not - not obviously like me at least. If they are here, they have issues I guess. I've had those issues for years and never thought of getting SSI and MediCal. I guess I did have Susan for many years. When I lost her, I had the street. Eventually, I did get help, but not SSI or MediCal. I did work for the help I got from Christian Chaos. I'm still grateful for the help the provide. I always assumed I'd help myself someday. And, I did until I hurt myself. Addiction is very complicated.
I need to worry about myself. I'm lonely, sick and tired. Things are improving though. I'll keep praying for help. Though, I've been feeling horrible and even hating myself, I don't really "wana die" - anymore. I just thought this song was appropriate....
Actually, I have recently been so depressed that I sometimes wished my suicide attempt was successful. That's if there wouldn't have been a continuation of my existence that is. Mine would have been a "never ending" hell. I'm am very grateful I got another chance at life. I'm grateful that I'm on my way to eternity.
Actually, if I had the choice of relapsing or dying, I'd rather die. Relapsing would send me to hell on earth and likely, a "never ending" hell. Sorry to end this in such a depressing manner. I just don't feel so great. I 'll let John Lennon end it. Poor John Lennon's ending was not good. He was good. His ending was not brought on by himself. Well, it was in some ways, but it wasn't his fault, of course. Evil found it's way through Mark David Chapman. My ending will be good as long as it's not an ending brought on by my addiction. I'll end it at that. Evil has it's ways. Now, John....
Yes, I'm lonely
Wanna die
Yes, I'm lonely
Wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Whoo!
Girl, you know the reason why
In the morning
Wanna die
In the evening
Wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Whoo!
Girl, you know the reason why
My mother was of the sky
My father was of the earth
But I am of the universe
And you know what it's worth
I'm lonely
Wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Whoo!
Girl, you know the reason why
The eagle picks my eyes
The worm he licks my bone
Wanna die
Yes, I'm lonely
Wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Whoo!
Girl, you know the reason why
In the morning
Wanna die
In the evening
Wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Whoo!
Girl, you know the reason why
My mother was of the sky
My father was of the earth
But I am of the universe
And you know what it's worth
I'm lonely
Wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Whoo!
Girl, you know the reason why
The eagle picks my eyes
The worm he licks my bone
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