This place requires that we sign in for meetings. NO ONE, except me, has a pen here – including the program. If they NEED us to sign in, they NEED to provide a pen with the sign in sheet - PERIOD! I know the other clients won’t bring one – they all use mine. It is like just one person needs it - x 100! It’s frustrating.
Can I please get out of this zoo? Even the staff aren’t very respectful these days. I know they exist in a tough environment, but that doesn’t mean they have to treat EVERYONE with no respect. Some are kind, but….
The director isn’t the friendliest. Plus, he’s always on vacation. Obviously, I’d be okay with this, except he’s the one who is supposed to sign off on my “own strength” proposal. After 45 days (sooner for some counselors), we become eligible. We have to write a proposal. Here is mine:
The director is supposed to approve it. It is now day 50 and he is still not here! Tomorrow, I hope to jam with my band.
The manager, who is a nice guy by the way, is putting doors on the closets in my room. This means I can lock my closet door inside my room. A nice staff member tells me, I may have my guitar here. Before I came here, I called and asked if I could bring my guitar and was told, “No.” When I was here for detox four times 1 ½ years ago, someone had one. I guess I’m glad I did not have it here yet. It would likely have been stolen. I just want to be able to lock it and other things in my closet.
My buddy, Kimo, across the hall has a locking closet door. He is where I got the idea. Kimo is probably my best friend here. He’s a murderer. He murdered two child molesters. I can’t even imagine such a thing. He feels he wasn’t wrong. I guess he did it 13 years ago. The girl that was molested picked him up when he got out of prison and she is now a counselor. He is a very good guy to me. He “buddies” me to most of my doctor appointments. I have many. It’s nice to finally have a good “buddy” here. He always tells me that my safety comes first to him and that, "he's got my back." I believe him, but I don't want him to hurt anyone over me. People change. It's still a big one for me to understand.
I so look forward to the day when I get out. For the past, what will have been 3 years by the time I get out of here, I’ve been a Lost Sailor . I was homeless for almost a year. I guess I've technically been homeless most of that time. 8 1/2 months of that year, I was on the street shooting up. I will have been in rehab for a year. I was in the hospital for 6 months. I spent a couple of months couch and spare room surfing after being exited from Christian Chaos. For 4 months, I actually did have my own place. 2 of them, I was in hell - literally.
I was dealing with the devil. He wanted my soul. I tried to give it to him to spare my loved ones souls. I didn't want to drag them down into the darkness with me. Being the kind and loving people they are, they were trying to help others. Many were involved, but, my older brother and Susan's mother were mostly involved this last time. They were trying to help Susan's soul. They both traded theirs for hers believing I would trade mine for theirs. The problem was, my un-valuable soul could only help one of them. How was I to choose between Susan's mother and my brother. Unfortunately, I had done too much and too many souls had gotten involved. Dealing with the devil is never a good idea. I didn't choose to. I just chose to keep using every time my severe depression would set in. I also chose to end it all so I could stop hurting my loved ones souls. It was crazy, but, it was an unselfish act. Killing myself would have been the wrong thing to do.
Talk about being a Lost Sailor. I was SO LOST those last 2 months I used before I “attempted suicide”. It wasn’t me. I did so many things I wouldn't do. Crystal meth is pure evil.
I'm so grateful to be where I am today. I can never forget where I have been. I think it can easily be said that I took the hard road to freedom from all of that insanity. "You pay for being free, I'll tell ya freedom don't come easy, Free don't always come for free. Sometimes its hard to know what to believe in." It is.
Oh yeah, yesterday in a group, we played a game called "2 truths and 1 lie." We had to tell a partner 2 truths about ourselves and 1 lie about ourselves. My partner was a new volunteer nurse.
Hers were:
“I have 3 siblings”
“I play softball”
“I majored in Exercise Physics”
I think she didn’t major in Exercise Physics. I can’t remember which I guessed, but I guessed wrong. (10/16/13 - I forgot to write the details a couple of months ago when I actually wrote this.)
My 3 were:
“I have been shot.”
“I have been hit by a freight train”“I jumped off a 50 foot high roof top”
Talk about being a Lost Sailor. She guessed the two that were true were lies first. I’ve been pistol whipped, but, I’ve never been shot.
Well, I have a doctor appointment today to discuss my situation about losing MediCal and possibly getting a good substitute for the pain. I’m not as worried about the pain as I am the nausea that coming off of morphine will create. I'd rather take nothing someday if possible.
Rather than going directly to hospital to pick up some medication, I had to stop by MetroPCS. My 5 week old phone quit working today. Talk about frustrated. My last MetroPCS phone quit working after only 3 weeks. As a result, I left it charging in my room and it was stolen. Earlier today, the cord that charges my "new" phone started to smoke and catch fire. They, of course, blamed it on me and said that I “shouldn’t have had it plugged in.” Really? It turned out to be the battery. (10/15/13 – I would also like to report that MetroPCS Corporate, who I wrote the letter to about my 3 week old phone that died and could not be replaced for a month has never responded to me. No wonder they are called GhetroPCS. If I can find another provider that does not ask for a contract, I will. I'm in a situation where GhetroPCS is necessary. Maybe things will change for me. I might was well have a contract. It's not as if I won't have a phone now. I won't relapse!)
I then went across the street to the 99 cent store to look for some things. Everything happens for a reason. The other day, I was wondering how to get in touch with one of the nicest young men I have met in so long. The King is like a little brother. Today, while at the 99 cent store, I heard someone from outside yell, “Dave!” It was none other than The King himself! I miss that kid. We were really close while at Christian Chaos together. He works at The Thrift Store in The Mission. He still lives in the hotel above Christian Chaos. It was great seeing him. I now have his number. He had heard I “fell”. Well, kind of. It’s nice to have friends where I live again. I use to have so many when I lived in Cincinnati. I now have a few here. It’s amazing what recovery has done for me over the years. I’m not feeling as lost.
Compass card is spinning, helm is swinging to and fro
Oh, where is the dog star, oh, where's the moon.
You're a lost sailor, been away too long at sea.
Somedays the gales are howling, sometimes the sea is still as glass.
Oh, raise the main sail, oh, lash the mast.
You're a lost sailor, been away too long at sea.
Now the shorelines beckon, there is a price for being free.
There's a sea bird cryin and there's a ghost wind blowing
And its calling you, to that misty swirling sea.
Till the chains of your dreams are broken,
No place in this world you can be.
You're a lost sailor, been away too long at sea.
Now the shorelines beckon, there is a price for being free.
You pay for being free, Ill tell ya freedom don't come easy,
Free don't always come for free,
Sometimes its hard to know what to believe in.
Where to go, who to go, where to be, who to be.
That means you're driftin.... driftin
Yeah driftin and dreamin, really goin on a dream now.
Really goin on a feelin, really goin on a feelin.
Driftin, driftin and dreamin.
Cause its a place you've never been
Maybe a place you've never seen now
You can hear them callin on the wind
Driftin and dreamin, driftin and dreamin.
Really goin on a dream now, really goin on a dream now,
Really goin on a dream now.
Oh, where is the dog star, oh, where's the moon.
You're a lost sailor, been away too long at sea.
Somedays the gales are howling, sometimes the sea is still as glass.
Oh, raise the main sail, oh, lash the mast.
You're a lost sailor, been away too long at sea.
Now the shorelines beckon, there is a price for being free.
There's a sea bird cryin and there's a ghost wind blowing
And its calling you, to that misty swirling sea.
Till the chains of your dreams are broken,
No place in this world you can be.
You're a lost sailor, been away too long at sea.
Now the shorelines beckon, there is a price for being free.
You pay for being free, Ill tell ya freedom don't come easy,
Free don't always come for free,
Sometimes its hard to know what to believe in.
Where to go, who to go, where to be, who to be.
That means you're driftin.... driftin
Yeah driftin and dreamin, really goin on a dream now.
Really goin on a feelin, really goin on a feelin.
Driftin, driftin and dreamin.
Cause its a place you've never been
Maybe a place you've never seen now
You can hear them callin on the wind
Driftin and dreamin, driftin and dreamin.
Really goin on a dream now, really goin on a dream now,
Really goin on a dream now.
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