Seeing Things

(I wrote this blog 8/18/13)

There was once a time when all this city represented was wonderful and beautiful memories. Over the years, I changed all that. All the sights and sounds that use to warm my heart, touch my soul and make me so happy, now make me so sad.  Some tear me apart inside and some even frighten me.

The rehab I'm in is in the Haight Ashbury. From the windows facing north, the Golden Gate Bridge can be seen. The building I'm in is also on the side of a hill. The  waterway known as the Golden Gate is probably a couple of miles away.  Coincidently, one thing can always be heard from far away because of the fog - fog horns.

This is the view from the north facing windows.  I have the most amazing photos from the top of that beautiful bridge.  That bridge represents so much to me.  It always has.  That's a blog unto itself.  I had to sign a release saying I would never sell the photos or post them online.  I, of course, honor that.  I am allowed to email them to friends and family.  I'd be happy to forward them to you.  Just send me your email.

The sound of foghorns remind me of something. It reminds of the hundreds of days and nights I spent out in the wilderness and private beach coves which were only reachable by a treacherous climbs.   These places were always near the Golden Gate Bridge.  I was escaping to shoot crystal meth.  I do not have the words to even describe how I feel when I hear that sound. It is incredibly strange.  It is like no other feeling I ever believed I would feel. It is not good. 

Talk about "Seeing Things."  Back in those days, I chose not to go home so many nights.   I spent so many nights out at Lands End where I began "seeing things for the first time - in my life."  Those things were something so incredibly big and amazing I could not even comprehend it all.  In the end, it ended up being God.

I wholeheartedly believe in creating new memories. That is what I am here to do. My life has changed. Unfortunately, even all my good memories make me sad these days.  Perhaps I'll be "Seeing Things" differently some day.  Maybe someday that foghorn will always remind me of the days I got clean.  Someday I may remember all my days I was in rehab - getting my life saved and hearing those foghorns blow in the distance.  Perhaps I'll start "...seeing things for the first time - in my life" differently. 

I WILL not live in another foggy neighborhood!  I'm going back downtown, where it is always sunny!  SoMa, to be exact.  That is where Susan and I lived for 9 years.  We lived in Lower Haight when we first moved here.  I always remember being on the fog border.  The Upper Haight, where I live now, is usually foggy.  It is closer to the ocean. 

I do love this city.  I always will.  Today, in The Haight, it is 70 and sunny, just like my neighborhood was almost everyday.  Off in the distance where the Golden Gate Bridge is, it is currently foggy.  It is always more likely to be foggy above the water.  

We get a little rain four months out of the year.  What am I doing here blogging?  Perhaps I should make it one.  I will.  For now, it's a Facebook post (It was).  Having to write in a notebook and type it later is so confusing.  I also write things on my "smart" phone as I am now.  I will catch up.  I will also jump from date to date I guess.  It's all very confusing.  My life is confusing.  Life.  That's amazing.  I am forever grateful. You'll read this and more in a future blog.   Someday - in the future.  Time is irrelevant.  (10/20 - Apparently, I posted most of this on Facebook back 8/18.  I'm not usually that wordy - on Facebook that is.  I guess I was just becoming anxious to get something  posted.)

One of Susan's favorite bands has always been The Black Crowes.  We saw them many times.  Appropriately enough, this footage was filmed at The Fillmore in San Francisco.  They usually play there about 10 nights in a row.  We saw them there.  Appropriately enough, the video is called "Freak n Roll: Into The Fog."

 

 

 

I find it hard to she'd a tear
You brought it all on yourself my dear
Wrong, yes I may be
Don't leave a light on for me
'Cause I ain't comin' home
It hurts me baby to be alone
Yes, it hurts me baby

A hundred years will never ease
Hearing things I won't believe
I saw it with my own two eyes
All the pain that I can't hide
And this pain starts in my heart
And this love tears us apart
You won't find me bent down on my knees
Ain't bendin' over backwards baby
Not to please

'Cause I'm seeing things for the first time
I'm seeing things for the first time, oh yeah
I'm seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life

I used to dream
Of better days that never came
Sorry ain't nothin' to me
I'm gone and that's the way it must be
So please I've done my time
Lovin' you is such a crime
You won't fine me down on, on my knees
Won't fine me over backwards baby
Just to please

'Cause I'm seeing things for the first time
I"m seeing things for the first time
Seeing things for the first time
Oh I'm seeing things for the first time
Yeah, seeing things for the first time
I'm seeing things for the first time
Yeah, I'm seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life