Hurt

(I wrote this blog 8/9/13)

Talk about hurting myself.  Pain.  That is what I am in.  As of 2 days ago, I no longer have MediCal.  I was given no warning by MediCal.  This frustrates me.  I was told I would keep MediCal until the decision as to whether or not I'd get SSI was made.

Now, they said that they would decide if I get MediCal based on whether or not I get SSI.  Even if I get it, it doesn't guarantee I'll get MediCal, but it will be the basis of the decision.  If I don't qualify for SSI, I won't get MediCal.

I am disabled.  I know this now.  Or, I should say, I'm learning this now.  I don't want to be. I hope to some day not be.

I see why SSI decisions are so hard to be made.  I can't tell you how many people I live with that have SSI and the reason is not completely apparent.  Another person I know is fighting for his.  He's nice, but other than being an addict, he's perfectly healthy.  He asked me "Who's your lawyer?"  I don't have one!  I never dreamed of getting on SSI so young.  When the hospital told me I needed to, at first, I refused.  And, I was a physical mess back then.

I have also met a few MediCal recipients who seem perfectly healthy.  It's their business and I'm not judging them, but I feel that if they can get it, then I deserve it - at least until I can get back to work, somehow.  I hope that I can.  I need health insurance.  If my life was saved by the system, I wish the system would at least give me a fighting chance.

I almost wish I could have stayed in the hospital until I got a place.  My doctor was trying to get me out when I was still in a wheel chair.  She was a real treat.  Most people who worked at the hospital told me I NEEDED TO BE THERE!  I had to advocate for myself, but was successful until I felt I was able to leave. Towards the end of being there, on the rare occasions I actually saw my doctor, all she talked about exiting me.  She offered to put me in a homeless shelter.  It was me who said, "Wean me off all this medication."  I didn't even realize MediCal would cut me off either.  I just didn't want to be taking so much.  All of the nurses used to say that I was on a bunch of morphine.  At one point in my life, I needed it.  However, I'm glad I got myself down to 1/2 the amount of morphine I used to be on.  Soon, I'll have to go cold turkey.

I am grateful that I live in San Francisco.  I have Healthy San Francisco Insurance.  Healthy San Francisco does not cover morphine.  It doesn't cover other medications I take either.  In addition, General Hospital told me it would take a week to refill my gabapentin which is a non-narcotic nerve pain pill.  It will take a week to transfer it from Walgreens - where I got prescriptions while on MediCal.  I don't understand.  I'm in pain.  Like I said, I can no longer pick up medication at Walgreens.  I have to pick it up at General Hospital.  This takes many hours.  (One day it took over 7 hours.  They told me 2, so I ran a couple of errands.  It took more than 7 hours and I ended up waiting more than 5 hours.  I spend half my days at General Hospital for one thing or another.  This alone will not make working easy.)

I want off of everything eventually.  That morphine creates all kinds of issues.  I believe this is God's way of helping me get off of it.  I'm just trying to be positive.  God is everything, but we do have free will.  Free will put me in a tough place.  I'm the one who hurt myself.  God  is still amazing.  In that parallel Universe I existed, I was trying to end it all for the sake of my loved ones.  I was going straight to hell.  Perhaps because my insane act was unselfish, I was given another chance.   I don't know. 

I don't understand everything.  I am grateful to be alive.  When times are tough, I must always remind myself that.  Ultimately, it was my choice to jump off the rooftop of a parking garage, but I know God had something to do with my surviving. It was actually my decision to continue shooting up to gain euphoria and take away pain that led to my ultimate pain.  I was in a lot of pain when I woke up.  I know I have some pain ahead, but I'll make it.  I'M ALIVE!  And, I'm heading in the right direction.

 

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way