Friday

(I wrote this blog, Friday April 27th, 2012)

Thank God it's Friday.  I can't even remember the last time I felt this way.  Even when I was clean before (which has been a long time ago), I worked on the weekends - hard.  I loved what I did, but it was demanding.  My weekend days, including Friday pretty much started at 5:00 AM and went until 10:00 PM - sometimes later.  Kind of like here five or even six days a week sometimes.  Until today.  It has always been different kinds of work, but, one way or another, it's work - even if I choose to do it myself.

Is this writing work?  Kind of.  I do enjoy it, but it can be a bit of a chore.  I have to do it.  I just do.  Tonight, I get to start putting all this writing on the computer.  I'm also going to take some photos.  Wow.  I can't describe how this makes me feel.  Let me just say it brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.

I'm no longer PM helper here.  I'm AM cook .  I cook breakfast and lunch.  It makes my day busier, but it frees my evening up.  This weekend, I only have to be PM helper on Sunday.  I get off Saturday!  I still have to be here for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I'm sure I'll help do something.

The weather is so beautiful in San Francisco.  Summertime is here - blue skies and 70.  This morning I had a few people flipping out at me for not cooking breakfast.  I honestly believed I started Monday because that is what people told me.  I was supposed to start today.  I worked out this morning and took a shower.  I told Hefe to tell people what I'd be doing if I was supposed to start today.  No one did.  It wasn't Hefe's fault.  It was no ones fault.  It was miscommunication.  There are lots of chiefs here and not enough Indians.

Lots of people let me know I was supposed to start today.  Chill out people.  It was an honest mistake. I'll be in that kitchen first thing Monday.  I prayed it away after I ventilated horizontally and publicly.  Hey, if they won't let it go, I'll gladly explain my side.  I owned my part and stepped up to fix what I could.  I couldn't change other peoples mistakes or the past.  I also apologized for my honest mistake.  Besides, I'd much rather do that job than the job I believed I was supposed to do - evening helper.  It is so much easier!

I just don't want to talk about it, but I honestly know I was right.  I'm only self-righteous to those who are wrong.  :)

Life's better than I could have possibly imagine considering my situation.  Part of this mornings confusion was also because I was "ordered" to go to the DMV to get my driving report so I can be the driver at CityTeam.  That's God working for me.  I love the kitchen too, but it's hard.  They know I'll do it.  The last few guys to come in new were either too old, too big of a cry baby or too lazy to work that hard.  I love the old guys.  They do a great job.  I understand it with them.  I don't mind stepping up and helping them at all.

I care about this angry cat, Self Will,  who always complains, but it's hard to be around him sometimes.  I tell him that out of hard love.  It's just everything he's asked to do - its a problem.  He loves to throw things and slam things.  Attitude goes a long way in this place.  I guess it can go a short way also.

Zack Attack took me outside and said to me, "You know a lot of us are going to be getting jobs soon and moving on soon and you're really the guy who is going to hold this place together."  I can't tell you how much that meant to me.  For 19, he's very mature.

I'm going to take it easy tonight.  I have no idea what the first photo I take out there in over a year will be, but I promise, I'll post it right here.

You know it ain't no stoppin all tha doggs I'm droppin
It's Friday night so everythang is poppin.
I got skin lets spin on da hand,
So let tha games begin.
Yakity yak don't jump back or its on,
Callin up Earl on tha car phone.
Mack 10 just got out of court,
Rollin through tha hood in his super sport ropin Too $hort.
Eighteens got tha rearview mirrors vibratin,
And deep dish daytons.
You know how we do it,
Ain't nuttin to it but tha floss,
Overcrowdin Harrison walks.
'Cuz if ya fuck wit ours,
We leave scars,
Out of G ride cars,
Livin like stars.
Might hit tha highway,
On tha Vegas run fool 'cuz its Friday.

[Chorus:]
Oh yeah, throw ya neighborhood in tha air,
If ya don't care. [x2]

[Verse Two:]
Standin outside on a Friday livin on tha edge,
'cuz we all got 'dem hard heads.
It's seems like we all are waitin,
For a drive by playin tag wit satan.
But we chillin yeah we ready and willin,
Ya hear about tha latest westside killin.
Forty sippin,
Set trippin,
Fo' dippin,
Get tha grip in,
Neva slippin.
BG's tryin tah hang out,
But OG said take ya little ass in tha house.
My big homey just got out,
Used tah be down now he's just crack ad.
He's bout hard as Darth Vada
In his sweat shirt, khakis and Chuck Taylors.
Just see him in the drive way,
Gettin beat like a smoka fool 'cuz it's Friday.

[Chorus]

[Verse Three:]
Why must I be like dat and chase da cat,
Or settle for a hoodrat.
Dookie braids no dreadlocks,
Flyin in and out of jail have a chicken and a cock.
And I love her 'cuz she down,
Tah fuck around wit tha underground pussyhound.
And her ass is big round and wide,
Jacked up makin nigga down tah ride.
Smokin indo,
Playin dat Super Nintendo,
Hear a rat tat tat on my window.
Gave her ass dat pelvic thrust,
Don't trust tha rubber 'cuz its bound tah bust.
In tha oven in tha nappy,
I had on two so I was happy.
'Cuz dat HIV'll make ya dick hang sideways,
And dat ain't cool fool 'cuz its Friday.

[Chorus]

Throw tha west side in da air,
Throw tha east side in da air,
Throw tha south side in da air,
Throw tha north side in da air.
Oh yeah! 

Reuben and Cerise

(I wrote this blog June 30th, 2012)

I'm  not going to get into the detail of all of this just yet.  I actually go into more detail about this upcoming event in future blogs.  Basically, Susan is moving to Cincinnati July 27th.  I have two cats - Reuben and Cerise.  Susan can't stand Reuben.  She's an animal lover, but has never really been a cat person.  She has taken care of them for me for a long time.  

They are both very sweet, but Reuben can be bad.  He's really smart.  He's always in trouble.  He's always into everything. (I think he's an addict)  Cat people will get him.  He's really cool.  He is very loving.  He can be a little hard on Cerise. Cerise is sweet as can be (Susan likes her) and always has to be with Reuben after he get's in trouble (She's very co-dependent).  It's amazing to me how these cat's mirrored Susan and my relationship for so many years.  Watch out Reuben - one of these days Cerise is going to come to her senses!

I'm trying to find a foster situation in San Francisco.  I hope I will only need it for about six months.  I should graduate from CityTeam in January.  I hope to be able to get a small apartment by then, but it could take longer.  I feel pretty strong in my recovery, so that shouldn't be an issue.  If anyone can help or knows of someone or some place who might be able foster them, please send me a message.

Cerise was brushing her long hair gently down
It was the afternoon of carnival 

as she brushes it gently down

Reuben was strumming the painted mandolin
It was inlaid with a pretty face in jade
Played the Carnival Parade

Cerise was dressing as Pirouette in white
when a fatal vision gripped her tight
Cerise beware tonight

Reuben, Reuben tell me truly true
I feel afraid and I don't know why I do
Is there another girl for you?

If you could see in my heart
you would know it's true
there is none Cerise except for you
except for you
I swear to it on my very soul
If I lie may I fall down cold

When Reuben played the painted mandolin
the breeze would stop to listen in
before going its way again

Masquerade began when nightfall finally woke
Like waves against the bandstand dancers broke
to the painted mandolin

Looking out on the crowd, who is standing there?
Sweet Ruby Claire at Reuben stared
At Reuben stared
She was dressed as Pirouette in red
and her hair hung gently down

The crowd pressed round
Ruby stood as though alone
Reuben's song took on a different tone
and he played it just for her

The song he played was the Carnival Parade
Each note cut a thread of Cerise's fate
It cut through like a blade

Reuben was playing the painted mandolin
When Ruby froze and turned to stone
for the strings played all alone

The voice of Cerise from the face of the mandolin
singing: Reuben, Reuben tell me true
for I have no one but you
If you could see in my heart
you would know it's true
There is none Cerise, except for you -except for you

I swear to it on my very soul
If I lie, may I fall down cold

The truth of love
an unsung song must tell
The course of love must follow blind

without a look behind
Rubin walked through the streets
of New Orleans 'till dawn,
Cerise so lightly in his arms
and her hair hung gently down

Masterpiece

(I wrote this blog April 26th, 2012)

I got off restriction today!  I'm glad I was on extended restriction the past couple of days.  I got a lot done that I needed to get done.  I grew from it too.  Hefe Grande and I got some good laughs over it.  He supposedly had his slips signed.  I think he was just pulling his "No hablar ingles" BS.  He gets a lot of mileage out of that one.  I kept telling him that, "Trudy told me you're on restriction!"  He's kind of gullible.  "No Dave!"  Then, once he confirmed he wasn't, he kept saying, "Ahhhh, it's okay hemrano!  A few more days restriction for you."

Trudy just said to me, "Quit volunteering for everything!"  She's got a point.

Even though I felt wronged, I did have my part in it and we were kind of punished as a house.  There were a couple of people who had their slips signed anyway - supposedly Hefe!.  We needed that rule enforced.  After breakfast this morning, I decided to walk over to Susan's so I could charge my camera for this weekend.

Photography is my passion.  Outside of the opportunity to take photos with Charlie and the hot chocolate kids at YWAM,  It's been a year since I really took photos.  Perhaps I'll take my Masterpiece.  Those photos are kind of priceless I guess.

On my way to Susan's, I saw a friend of mine.  He has spent a lot of time in prison.  He was also an IV meth user.  He's been clean for a while. He has a nice little place in a hotel on 6th street.  He used to invite me into his place and would feed me cereal.  He would also give me a couple of dollars and cigarettes. He always tried to help me when I was struggling.  He says he has some photography work for me.  He's a good painter.

I also saw two syringes on my 1/2 a block walk to Susan's.  That affected me.  I'm being mindful of that and letting that be known here.  Phil was so excited to see me.  My psycho cats didn't recognize me and hid from me.  Maybe because I'm the one who was psycho for so long.  I'm not that person anymore.

This morning at CityTeam we had an addiction counselor who specialized in sex addiction come in and give a two hours class.  Sex addiction is the dark side of my addiction that I have really been afraid of talking about for so many obvious reasons.  For me IV meth use and sex addiction is the gateway to hell.  I'll leave it at that for now.

I have to recognize all that this dark path has created for me.  It's hard to see anything but darkness when I am caught up in my addiction.  As I distance myself from it, certain truths become more apparent.  God does love me.

I believe my will takes me to the dark side and God's will delivers me from it.  I don't believe that God planned for my dark behavior in my life.  I do believe God can plan for my walk with him despite my downfall.  Does God know my behavior before I do it?  Is it all written?  Perhaps.  I really don't know.

The addiction counselor said, "We are a poem prepared by God."  I can relate to that.  We are taught here that we are not the person we are in our addictions.  He told us that when Michelangelo was asked, how he created the statue of David, he replied, "I chipped away everything that was not David."  The counselor also suggested we view ourselves as a Masterpiece of God.

Oh, the streets of Rome are filled with rubble,
Ancient footprints are everywhere.
You can almost think that you're seein' double
On a cold dark night on the Spanish Stairs.

Got to hurry on back to my hotel room,
Where I've got me a date with a Botticelli's niece.
She promised she'd be right there with me
When I paint my masterpiece.

Oh, the hours I've spent inside the Coliseum,
Dodging lions and wastin' time.
Oh, those mighty kings of the jungle,
I could hardly stand to see 'em,
Yes, it sure has been a long hard climb.

Train wheels runnin' thru the back of my memory,
When I ran on the hilltop following a pack of wild geese.
Someday, life's gonna be smooth like a rhapsody,
When I paint my masterpiece.

Sailin' 'round the world in a dirty gondola,
Oh, to be back in the land of Coca-Cola!

I left Rome and landed in Brussels,
On a plane ride so bumpy that I almost cried.
Clergymen in uniform and young girls pullin' hustles,
Everyone was there to greet me when I stepped inside.

Newspapermen eating candy
Had to be held down by big police.
Someday, everything is gonna be diff'rent
When I paint my masterpiece.

Ventilate Vertically

(I wrote this blog April 25th, 2012)

"We can walk arm and arm without seeing eye to eye"

Rick Warren

"Dave, don't think about it dude - do it!  I'm with you buddy!"  These words came from my buddy Rudy who threatened to kick my ass about ten days ago.  He then walked by and said, "Like my backpack?"  It's a Bengals backpack Susan brought me.

He found it on top of a locker and when he asked the house if it was someones, I wasn't around to let him know it was mine.  I was probably in the kitchen!  He obviously needed one since his got stolen.  This morning I saw it hanging on a locker  and realized someone was using it.  I found out it was Rudy!

I told him he could use it.  I wasn't using it.  I like seeing someone else represent!  It's like Diablo said, "Brothers have been known to fight." I'm glad were getting along better.  I prayed for him a lot.

I'm reading this book, The Purpose Driven Life.  I read this morning that David (of the Bible) used prayer to ventilate vertically.  I've been doing that a lot lately.  It actually seems to more gets done when I pray on something.

I like David.  I sometimes call my addiction Goliath.  I can really relate to that guy.  David failed God's tests on many occasions.  Me too.  The book says that, "Character is both developed and revealed buy test.  All of life is a test."

One issue that was recently in my life was my GA and student loan bill.  I didn't really know what to do about my GA worker who refused to talk to me.  Everyone said, "You need to talk to her supervisor!"  I just didn't have the energy.  I prayed on it.  I also let it go.  I figured I'd deal with it when I got off restriction.  Maybe that was enough.

I spoke to Susan last night.  She said, "You got a letter from GA.  They assigned you a new worker."  I didn't even ask for one!  This doesn't necessarily mean I'll get GA.  I hope the new worker will at least talk to me.  I'll try.  I'll pray on it.  I'll will pray for God's will.

I sometimes ventilate horizontally with this blog.  It's kind of a mix of the two I think.  It's not meant to be gossip.  All I hope is that it helps others besides me.

Sooner Surrender

(I wrote this blog April 24th, 2012)

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

-Winston Churchill

 

"No you're not a doormat. The doormat made a lot of noise yesterday."  I think I like that Diablo said that to me.  I think.

I hate that Tex left after yesterdays events.  He had been here 9 months.  My lesson - not everything goes my way - even when I am not really doing anything wrong.  That's just life.  It still sucks to get punished for not abiding by a rule that has not been enforced the whole time I have been here until the powers that be decide to enforce it.  Especially when I am not allowed to leave by myself so I could satisfy the requirement that I would have satisfied on my own - with the little time I had.  Especially when it was the day before I was supposed to get off restriction and the punishment was - more restriction!

I've vented enough.  We actually laughed about it quite a bit last night.  I know I grew from it.  I'm still stuck here tonight!  Enough.  Well, maybe not.

One of the staff told me, "It's not about you!"  I think when I wrote the blog yesterday, I said, "I don't see how it is not."  The more I thought about it the more I realized,  I wasn't making it about me yesterday!  I was making it about the principle.  I said I would accept the consequences but felt THE TRUTH needed to known about the situation.  As a new person, that last thing I wanted to do was rock the boat.

I didn't want to go to staff and explain how we as a house weren't doing something we should be.  I don't need any enemies to live with!  I was just going to go to meetings for myself when I was aloud to do it for myself!  I was even going to take others who are on restriction!  I still will - when I'm off restriction.  Is this a resentment?

It was obviously all wrong.  I hope this fixes it.  Enough.  Wait, one more thing.  See why I drive these guys nuts sometimes?  I have a "guide" to help me in my twelve step program.  He told me something I was already  trying to do.  "Give it away."  "Let go."  It came at a time when I was trying to practice setting boundaries.  Did I say that?

Surrender.

Sunday at the softball game, we devided up into two teams by playing rock, paper scissors.  I was a loser.  Go figure.  I'm kind of a born loser.  My senior year of high school, I got a lot of publicity - for being so small,  but we were 0-10.  I would have given all the publicity away for 1-9.  It seems most of the seniors of Loveland Hurst High School class of 1990 were getting stoned - not playing football!  Football was important to me.  I could stop during the season.  

I wrote a song called, Sonny Days Ahead a few years ago.  It has a verse that says, "Knowing how to lose doesn't make you a loser, but losing the loss can make you a winner." 

Surrender. 

Let go.  I d0n't even think I knew what I was saying back then when I wrote this song years ago.  I'm sure I'll print the whole thing some day.  I guess I need to borrow my friends guitar again and make generic webcam recording again.

One of the ladies on my softball team said, "Okay guys, we can't be The Loser's.  We need a better team name."  I said, "How about the surrenders."  That was probably incorrect English and I probably sounded like a hillbilly, so she said, "How about the Surrender."  Much better.  We lost.  It was just a softball game.  It was really fun.

The idea of surrender is usually not one people view as a good thing to do.  It is thought of as losing, being defeated or a weakness.

Actually, to surrender is to join the winning team.  Good will always prevail.  Look at Germany today.  There are plenty of good people in Germany.  There were plenty of good people in Germany in World War II, but the Third Reich was evil.

What in the world am I talking about in this blog?  That song, Sonny Days Ahead, goes on to say:

There are constant battles, Good doesn't always win

But the sum of all battles equals a wars end

God is the tortoise and the devil is the hare

I just I hope I win my battle and help us all get there

Wars will end as all things do

I just hope that things don't end for me and you

Sonny is not a misspelled word.  Sonny was my neighbor who lived behind me and I use to hear his voice in my head often.  Okay here's a bad recording I made in my room today (6/27/2012).  

A guitar in the pawn shop is hard to play
Music is what I need to make it through these days
Voices hearing voices, voices going insane
Lyrics still fight their way out of my brain
Evil has a way of stealing what I need
Steels a little more every time it makes me bleed
Now voices understand and some are even tools
but even if you weren't your voice, your voice could still be you


Now voices change as all things do 
I really hope to many things don't change for me and you


Those who make the world go round seem out of tune
while people on the street tell me only things I knew
New Orleans can wait until another day
I never dreamed January would be this way
Seems most people will be kind to you 
but it seems society is so fucking rude
My life's decisions are best when I'm involved
but people like to tell me what I'm doing wrong


People change, as all things do 
I really hope to many things don't change for me and you.


Just wait until tomorrow sounds simple to you
I guess it's still hard to handle the truth
Knowing how to lose doesn't make you a loser
Losing the loss can make you a winner
There are constant battles, Good doesn't always win

But the sum of all battles equals a wars end

God is the tortoise and the devil is the hare

I just I hope I win my battle and help us all get there

Wars will end as all things do

I just hope that things don't end for me and you

That "you" I was referring to was Susan.  I always knew I may lose her.  "You" could refer to everyone in the bigger picture.  

I've been battling addiction for so long.  I still want to win my battle.  I still want to help other people believe - including Susan.  She is already honest, caring, selfless.  She does believe in herself - which is not all wrong.  I used to go this atheist recovery meeting and they basically saw their higher power as their better selves.  I love those people.
 

To me, Susan is an angel.  Many of her actions actions in life dictate this to me.  I think God would agree.  She is a kind, loving, giving and a caring person.  She is an admitted atheist.  I sometimes blame myself for this, even though I believe in God.  I always used to say, "I believe in God's existence.  For me to believe in God, I had to get the Good Orderly Direction part down - something my addiction never allowed me to do.  Something Susan who doesn't believe in God never had a problem with.

When I told Susan that they put me on added restriction, she said, "Good, they should keep you on restriction." That's not nice!

My failure to live life in a Good Orderly Direction kind of made my addiction more like a demon than a disease.  I guess that's why the only antidote is - God.  It makes sense.

For the past forty days, I have walked the walk.  I have lived in a Good Orderly Direction.  This is just the beginning.  To continue to stay clean and close to God, I will have to surrender every day for the rest of my life.  I have 40 days clean.  I recently read in that book, A Purpose Driven Life, how 40 days is significant:

-Noah's life was transformed by 40 days of rain.

-Moses life was transformed by 40 days on Mount Sinai.

-The spies were transformed by 40 days in the promised land
-Elijah was transformed when God gave him 40 days of strength from a single meal.
-The entire city of Nineveh was transformed when God gave the people 40 days to change.
-Jesus was empowered by 40 days in the wilderness
-The disciples were transformed by 40 days with Jesus after the resurrection.

And, my personal favorite:

-David was transformed by Goliath 40 day challenge

-David was also supposed to get off restriction after 40 days clean!  

See, you messed up The Universe Trudy!

It's not like I was a hypocrite before.  I'd tell you I was "a sinner!"  The other day I was talking to Susan.  I must have mentioned God.  She said, "I'm an atheist."  I asked her not to dismiss the possibility there is a God - after all I have seen!  I told her I was afraid my evil ways may have hurt her and that evil may have touched her because of my insanity.

(We just read this bible verse a couple of days ago - around June 24th.  I wrote this blog April 24th.  Again, it was experiences I was referring to when I wrote this.)

PROVERBS 17:13

If a man pays back evil for good, evil will never leave his house.

(That's pretty much what I was doing.  I can't really write about all that though.)

I suggested she at least ask for forgiveness.  She said, "After all the shit you put me through and you want me to ask for forgiveness!"  I think she missed the point.  I didn't need her to ask me for forgiveness.  I don't feel she did anything wrong to me.  I did wrong to her.  We all need God's forgiveness was all I thought she might consider.  God forgives.  Perhaps I should let God be in the God business.  He's been at it a long time.

I care about Susan's life and her soul.  How can't I?  It's like I said, "I just hope I win my battle and help us all get there."  That includes Susan more than anyone.  It matters to me that all she did for me means something.  More than something - Everything.   

Ain't No Right

(I wrote this blog April 23rd, 2012)

Frustration!  I step up to do every job here.  I'm asked to do so many times.  Sometimes, no one else is around and I'm not going to sit back and watch things not get done.  I let it be known in a house meeting today.  It was uncomfortable for me, but I had to.  I need to learn to set boundaries for myself.  Just as I was doing that, Trudy, the Army Chaplain walked in the door right in the middle of what I was saying.

I respect Trudy a lot, however, I think she is no-nonsense to the extreme!  She said, "You're not allowing other people to step up by taking all the opportunities to do so."  I am always asked to do so!  I don't mind working, but I get tired.  They know I'll continue to do the hard jobs.  

This new guy came in, let's call him Self-Will, and did dishes in the evening for two days and then was put on the easy morning shift.  I did them for almost a month.  Now, I'm helper in the evening.   I guess the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  I don't want to be a squeaky wheel, but I do need a little consideration when extra work needs to be done.  I've been on the hardest shift for a month and will probably be on it for quite a while longer - which is okay.


Trudy and the other staff just went behind closed doors.  I thought, "Now will be a perfect opportunity to ask all the guys to do afternoon dishes that I have already been stuck with."  I gave EVERYONE the opportunity to step up since I have to work the evening shift.  No one did.  It was suggested I make it Self-Wills problem who could not be there.  Oh,  thanks for the helpful suggestion.  


I did take that suggestion and ask him to ask the house during the meeting when the staff returned.  (Someone just walked by me and said, "Wow, that pens on fire!")  

I asked him to call it out in the house meeting – while the powers that be were involved.  He did.  Someone stepped up.  The Powers that be are not always here.   People like to look good when they are.  I understand that I’m a doormat.  I’m working on that.  I also want to work hard to make a difference.  I have in the past been a workaholic or have taken on to much in the past to the "F___-It" point.  I can’t reach that point.  Period.  I’m frustrated.  I put myself here.  I appreciate this place a lot, but….It’s hard.

We are required to go to church and go to three twelve step meetings per week.  Since I have been here, I haven’t gone to many meetings.  No one will take me.  I can’t go by myself since I’m on restriction.  I asked a few times early on.  After a while I gave up.  I like meetings.  The will keep me clean THE REST OF MY LIFE – long after I leave this place. I know this.  I decided when I get off restriction, I’ll go to meetings.  

To be fair, even if people would agreed to take me, it is hard when I'm busy from 6AM until 8PM – six days a week.  We also have a 10PM curfew and need to have our cots set up by 9:45.  It makes it hard to squeeze meetings in.  I would gladly go to two on the weekends but most of the guys who aren’t on restriction are nowhere to be found on the weekends.

I just got done telling the new guy who is really struggling that I will take him to meetings when I get off restriction “tomorrow”.  I really need a break from this place.  I also know what it feels like to be stuck here and I know this guy needs some meetings.

Yesterday, I went to church and Sam Malone took me to a meeting.  We’re supposed to keep our church bulletin and get our meetings slips signed off on then hand them in at the house meeting on Mondays.  Each week when I went to hand in what I had, I was told not to worry about it.  I knew this was wrong, but I figured I’d just go to my meetings when I got off restriction and know I was doing the right thing.  I have done this as much as possible and not once have they been collected in my 29 days here - UNTIL TODAY!

Tomorrow I get off restriction – or was supposed to!  Now, I get seven days ADDED restriction!  If I want to go to meetings, it has to be with one of the four guys who are exempt because they were away at camp. Yeah right!  I’m just tired.  I won’t react – now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pee in a cup.  Kids, don’t do drugs.

(LATER THAT DAY)

The afternoon didn’t get much better.  It did a little I guess.  Unfortunately, Tex left because of all this.  The truth is, it was kind of his fault.  He was in charge of collecting the slips.  He wasn’t, but he was saying he was and telling people not to worry about it.  He thought he was helping his housemates.  It didn’t really help me.  I still like this guy a lot.  He was here nine months!  He’s a good guy who really worked hard and cared about people – a lot.  In my opinion, Trudy handled this wrong, but he was in the wrong and he chose to leave.  I hope he doesn't go back to live in his hole in the ground in Golden Gate Park.

I argued with the staff.  I was told, "It's not about you!"  I don't see how it's not.  It really kind of screwed me when I was honestly trying to do the right thing.  For Trudy to come in and hand out a bunch of restriction without warning was wrong.   It's like Diablo said, "Trudy is all bite and no bark."


Still, I guess I should have at least gotten my two meetings I did make signed off on - even if I didn't believe the slips were not going to be collected.  I should have at least held myself accountable for the rule I am aware of.  

I had the church bulletin because I wanted to quote the Bible scripture in my last blog.  (Which I did because Pastor Matt brings me one in the future -  which is now the past.)  I'm just not sure where I put it.  I went to church.


Things won't always go my way even when I don't believe I am wrong.  This did need to be done.  It was awful timing.  I really just wanted to get out and take photos.  I just wanted to get away for a little bit - on my own!  Even if it was just for a jog to the bay and back.  I do respect Trudy and I do love this place.  I hope to grow from this.  It's just feelings.  I'm alive.


They did agree to shorten my restriction to three days.  One of the staff members said, "We make mistakes."  I know.  Me too.  I don't like getting punished for others mistakes if I can help it.  I guess that maybe I stood up for something I believed in and they understood.  I don't know how I feel about it anymore.  Tired.  It may not seem like much to someone reading this.  I guess it doesn't matter that much to me.


The truth is, most people here will probably do whatever they want anyway - therein lies the problem.  I'll follow the rules. I have to.  I have to honest.  


Someone told me, "You talk too much.  You don't have to be honest with everyone."  I'm here for a reason.  I wasn't always honest in the past.  I'm an addict.  

I have a lot of homework to do tonight.  CityTeam wants me to get to Module 2 asap so I can be the driver.  I'm the only person here with a drivers license.  People here need my help.  That matters to me.  I guess I have restriction time to fill!

I am skin and bones, I am pointy nose;
But it motherfuckin' makes me try.
Makes me try, and that ain't no wrong.
I'll tell you why...
There ain't no right!

Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Only pleasure and pain.

Motherfuckin' bad wind came, blew down my home.
Now the green grass grows.
Bad wind came, blew down my home.
Goddamn goodness knows!
Where green grass grows there can't be wrong.
And goodness knows, there ain't no right!

Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Only pleasure and pain.

Bumped my head, I'm a battering ram.
Goddamn took the pain.
Cut myself, said So what?
Motherfuckin' took the pain.
Said So what? I can't be wrong.
I thought so but there ain't no right!

Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Only pleasure and pain.

Save Me San Francisco - The Original Ending.

(I wrote this June 21st, 2012)

My life is really confusing right now.  I'm really struggling to keep my head together.  I don't want to use.  I'm just having a hard time.  Everything that is hard in my life is a direct or indirect result of my being a drug addict.  Being an active addict was so much harder than all this, but at least then I had an escape.  I promise you that I know that is not the answer.

My brain is really messed up.  I lose things and forget things - a lot. I find myself wandering aimlessly sometimes and my mind just goes blank.  I'm confused.  I've never been the most organized person, plus a do a million things at once all the time.   CityTeam keeps telling me to slow down but they ask me to do so many things all the time.  They told me stop coming to Susan's and to hang around there more often.  

All of those things are pretty much impossible right now.  I know there concerned about me, but I do know what I am doing.  It's just hard.  There are a couple of people who really don't like me there and that is some of the reason I stay away.  It's just kind of a waste of energy to fight it right now really.  This doesn't mean "the fight" may not becoming.  Not in a physical way - I hope.  I believe everything will be resolved.  I pray on it and for those who don't like me - a lot.  I don't know if it's they don't like me - they're probably just assholes.  I have character defects of my own.

Right now,  it's more about all the things I need to accomplish when I am not working hard for the program though.  I do a lot for CityTeam.  I want to.  I am in a leadership role in which I get a lot of respect from a lot of people there - especially a lot of new guys.  I do care about them and hope to spend more time with them in the future outside of program hours.  I still make a point to take new guys to outside recovery meetings and church and do things like go on bike rides with them - in addition to everything else.  I don't like to sit around and watch television or play cards.

As far as all my honesty and hard work, I guess this threatens some people there - I don't know?  I think they think I'm overstepping my boundaries or kissing (butt).  They have to know better than that - a (butt) kisser, I am  not!  I work hard, care and I am honest.  I also speak my mind.

I don't really want to waste anymore energy than they've already wasted of mine.  Let's just say, with all I have going on, I kind of feel like a wounded animal around predators.  At times it has been relentless.  Letting it be seen that I am sad, depressed or confused can really work against me sometimes.  If I am quiet, someone will always ask, "What's up?"  Most of the guys try to pick me up if they can see something in me besides my usual pretty happy self.  I guess I just can't hide the way I really feel.  It's all improving.  It's going to take time.  I'm growing because of it all.  I am simply working hard, caring about others, praying, living in The Truth and trusting God.  With all that, I'll be fine.  It's still hard.

I'm at CityTeam when I am needed during program hours.  Most other times, I am away.  When I am away, I work a lot on this blog.  I also run three to six miles a day.  Sometimes I go out and take photos.  I do have some friends outside of the program also.  

I don't even really hang out with Susan that much.  Despite everything, we care about each other very much!  I'm so glad I got some time to see this truth while clean before she moves to Cincinnati.  I am just helping her when I am with her.  And, we are beginning to get things together for her move home in a month.  It won't be easy.  We've known each other for 23 years. 

I hang out at Brainwash by myself and write a lot (that's where I am now.) I have to.  It is important.  I need to get to where my blog is near to real time.  I know it is what it is for a reason though.  I'm just so confused and I feel lost.  I have a guilty broken heart.

I have so much time, I thought I'd write some more!  That's suppose to be sarcasm.  I'm probably just making things more confusing.

ALL THAT said, I was unable to find the original ending to Save Me San Francisco a couple of days ago.  I found it today.  I want to post it here since it was what I wrote back then.  The other day, I simply rewrote the ending after the bible verse that was read at City Church because I wasn't sure I would ever find the original ending.  It was in another notebook. Like I said, I am really having trouble keeping track of things and it is important that I get all of this done.  Everything happens for a reason.  I guess I'm glad I got a chance to post something closer to real time. 

The Original Ending to Save Me San Francisco

(April 23rd, 2012)

At 1:00, we had our first softball game.  Unfortunately a few of our guys were stuck at MayMac so we couldn't field a team.  We mixed it up.  We did rock, paper scissors.  It actually ended up that the CityTeam guys were on a team with a few City Church people.  Only our coach, Rocky (This is his real name for reasons I believe you may read about in the future.)  Rocky is a graduate here and he just pitched for them.  

There is this nineteen year old kid who is here in the program.  He asked that I call him Zack Attack in this blog.  He was born and grew up in Richmond, Indiana where older brother Bob lives.  Before moving to San Francisco, he lived in Indianapolis.  He was a huge Red's fan growing up.  I wore my Red's jersey and hat.  Zack Attack borrowed one of my Red's hats.  He played First.  I played third.  

 My friend from Boston, lets call him Sam Malone, just walked up to me and asked in his Boston accent, "How's the screen play coming boss?"  I said, "I was just about to write about you."

He's, of course, a huge Red Sox fan.  He wore his Red Sox jersey and hat.  He played short stop.  He's the best home run hitter we had that day.  He didn't get one.  Our other two home run hitters weren't there. The house manager who I'll call Barry Bonds (of course) had to work.  My ex-atheist friend with red hair and a red goatee that comes to a point like the devils was sick.  I'll call him El Diablo.

I batted four times and got two singles.  I'm a line drive hitter.  I also got one RBI and I scored a run.  Pastor Paul from City Church was our lead batter.  He's from Portland, Oregon, but he was decked out in Cleveland Indians gear.  He somehow adopted the Indians as his team.  I think he likes underdogs.  Because of this, I guess I'm okay with this.  I'm not sure I could handle Browns attire! :)  He is certainly not a fair weather fan rooting for the tribe.

Surfer Dude from L.A. played outfield.  He wasn't all there yesterday.  

Right now, I'm sitting at a table with Sam Malone, Surfer Dude and Zack Attack.  Surfer Dude just threw a cookie across the room towards the garbage can.  It missed and bounced off the wall.  Zack Attack said, "You're a sinner!"

It was fun playing the game yesterday.  Susan was going to try to stop by, but she got stuck in the new four story DSW Shoe Store with her gay friend from step aerobics.  The game was supposed to start at 2:00, but it got moved until 1:00.

I told her she could come by with her friend, but she said he gets too sad about our situation.  She told him he'd probably like me.

Susan had friends there for her when I was lost.  More than she knows, even so many of the voices in my cared about her.

I know so many people in my head and in reality were trying to help - even the devil.  Even messages in the sidewalk. 

God was always trying to help me.  God works through others.    I hope my blog Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids makes that clear.  CityTeam and City Church are trying to save me. 

A year ago, it seemed Susan was the focus.  She needed to be saved from me.  She was given two tickets to opening day - the year after The Giants won The World Series.  The band Train from San Francisco was there.  They played this song.

(I wanted to show the actual footage from the game in the blog, but this better recording!  Perhaps I needed to reiterate this song.)

I used to love the Tenderloin
Till I made some tender coin
Then I met some ladies from Marin
We took the highway to the One
Up the coast to catch some sun
They left me with this blisters on my skin.

Don't know what I was on, but I think it grows in Oregon
So I kept on going, going, gone, right through
I drove into Seattle rain, fell in love then missed the train
That could a took me right back home to you

I been high
I been low
I been yes, and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco

Ooo ooo ooo, oh oh

Every day's so caffeinated
I wish they were Golden Gated
Fillmore couldn't feel more miles away
So, wrap me up return to sender
Let's forget this 5 year bender
Take me to my city by the Bay

I never knew all that I had
Now Alcatraz don't sound so bad
At least they'd have a hella fine merlot
If I could wish upon a star
I would hitch a cable car
To the one place that I'll always call my home

I been high
I been low
I been yes, and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco
I been up
I been down
I been so damn lost since you're not around
I been reggae and calypso
Won't you save me San Francisco

To tell you the truth
I miss everything...everything
It's a wild, wide, beautiful world
But there's a wide-eyed girl back there
And she means everything...everything

I been stop
I been go
I been yes and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco
I been up
I been down
I been so damn lost since you're not around
I been reggae and calypso
Won't you save me San Francisco

Oo oo oo...oh oh
Won't you save me San Francisco
Oo oo oo...oh oh
Won't you save me San Francisco

Save Me San Francisco

(I think I wrote this blog on April 23rd, 2012.)

It was a beautiful weekend in San Francisco.  Summer seems to be here.  It probably won't rain until November.  The sky in the neighborhood I live will be blue.  The temperature around 70.  South of Market doesn't get the fog - usually.  It got close today.  It was probably 80 degrees yesterday.  The warmer it gets in San Francisco, the further the fog comes in.  All summer long, San Francisco starts to heat up, then mother nature, like a thermostat, kicks on the AC.  The warm air over San Francisco rises and the cool air over the ocean is sucked in - turning it into fog.  This keeps San Francisco nice and cool.

San Francisco has micro-climates.  While a coastal neighborhood might be foggy and in the 60's - on the other side of a hill, it might be sunny in the 70's.  Go inland to the East Bay for 15 miles, it's a little more like the desert and it can be in the 100's on that same day. I like South of Markets 70's.

CityTeam is in a bit of turmoil right now.  We only had five staff here when I started.  One staff member just left and two were just laid off.   Jonathon, the director is in India for three weeks.  I guess CityTeam International laid off fifty people nationwide.  Everything is going to be okay and the people who were laid off will likely move to better things because they are good people, but it was still kind of sad to see them go.  They were sad, but upbeat.  I imagine it's rewarding to do what they do.

Friday night, Hefe Grande and I went down the street to get coffee.  I'm still on restriction, but they let me go with him.  I didn't want to ask.  Hefe asked for me.  

Hefe is an amazing cook. I'm his assistant in the kitchen. He has been a chef for thirty years.  He had his own cooking show in Tijuana for five years.  It was shown all over Mexico.  He's a good guy.  He's a hard worker.  He reminds me of one of my best friends back in Cincinnati who has also been a chef for a long time.

Working in the kitchen is hard work.  I pretty much do what el Hefe asks.  I end up preparing the 150 or so meals for our guests.  It's usually precooked ham, salami, mortadella or head cheese.  Whatever is donated.  I simply cut it up and heat it.  I also prepare a huge portion of mash potatoes or rice.  I also make a huge salad. 

El Hefe puts a little more time and love into the meal for the residents.  It's a much smaller scale so he can do that.  Like I said, he's a good cook.  We eat great.  So do our guests.  Believe me, I've been homeless and have eaten at other places.  Our meals seem more home cooked and are much larger.

We had a few of the guys away last week.  They were sent to a camp in the Santa Cruz Mountains.  It's usually a camp for kids.  We work in the kitchen there.  I'll probably get to go on the next trip after my background check clears.  The guys say it's beautiful.  It has a pool, archery, hiking, etc.

We were short-handed all week.  By Saturday, tempers were flaring and I was beat, but it all worked out.  The surfer dude from LA was kind of having a melt down.  It also affected our newest guy.  We serve all day on Saturday.  It was me, the new guy, Tex, and Surfer Dude in Kitchen all morning and all afternoon.  We got everyone fed, but it was tough.  I wasn't really affected my Surfer Dudes melt down.  I was more worried about him.  Between getting clean and losing his fiance recently, that man is going through a in his life.

When Hefe and I went to the coffee shop, we met Susan there.  It was Friday night.  She brought Phil.  Phil is looking really good.  He kept his eyeball!  I hate to say it, but he looks really cool!  He looks like chihuahua diablo (devil dog)  His one eyeball is blood red and the other one is black.  He also has his little bat ears.  He's cute as can be.

I just took this photo.  It looks a lot better than two months ago, but you can still see his right eye is red.

He was so excited to see me.  I was excited to see him.  Sixth Street was a zoo Friday night.  On the way back from the coffee shop, one of my old drug dealers ran up to me from behind and threw her arm around me and said, "Come ere Dave."  Susan said, "NO!"  I said, "Hey, I'm in a program."  She said, "Good for you."  Susan basically said, "Get away from him!"  My drug dealer said, "Hi wife."  Then she said, "I told him to get into a program."  She did.  A lot of my dealers did.  That's pretty sad.

Hefe said, "No Dave!" in his Spanish accent and he and Susan drug me away from her. It wasn't like they had too.  She is not all bad.   That doesn't mean I'd mess with her!  She was once one of those evil voices in my head.  Still it did seemed she cared about me at times.  She told the dude who got stabbed the other day and was also an evil voice in my head to leave me alone and he did.  She still nuts.  Susan never tolerated my dealers.  I never wanted Susan around them.  Most of my dealers aren't bad people, but I understand how Susan Hefe felt.  

Sunday was cooler since the fog was coming in.  It didn't make it to South of Market, but it was close enough that you could see it.  It might have been in the Tenderloin next door.  It was close.  It was cool.  It was nice.  When the fog does reach SOMA, it usually burns off during the day.

Sunday morning,  I went to church as usual.  I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I really like going to church.  It's mostly young to my age professionals.  I promise you this is not what I like about City Church, but there are some good looking women there!  San Francisco is full of beautiful women.  I feel weird thinking and writing that, because I was with Susan for twenty two years.  It's not that I didn't notice good looking women before, but I wasn't single.

I know I'm not supposed to be in a relationship nor am I really ready.  I'm not sure I'll ever be.  I pray for God's will on that.  I was not a very good husband.  It's not that I was mean to Susan - I just broke her heart all the time because I couldn't stop doing drugs.  I also couldn't be there for her.  I did a lot of crazy things addicts do to someone they love I guess.  Relationships are hard enough for normal people.  They're extra hard for addicts who are in their addiction.

The fact of the matter is, I still have feelings for Susan.  It doesn't mean I can't let her go.  I want what's best for her.  This area confuses me.  I pray on it a lot.

Every Sunday in church, I end up holding back the tears in my eyes for one reason or another.  I'm usually thinking of Susan.  She did save my life.  We were together for 22 years.  I do care about her. Hefe Grande and I were talking before the service.  He asked, "You like City Church?"  I said, "I love it, but it always seems to make me emotional."  Those feelings, I liked to use away.  I of course, hold it in, but it's hard.  He told me how City Church helped change his life. It seems City Church started him on his path to getting clean two years ago.  He got to CityTeam about three weeks before me.

The Bible verse the pastor read was:

JOHN 11:1-6;30-45

Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. ² (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) ³ So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”

⁴ When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” ⁵ Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. ⁶ So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days

³⁰ Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. ³¹ When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.

³² When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

³³ When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. ³⁴ “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

³⁵ Jesus wept.

³⁶ Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

³⁷ But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

³⁸ Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ³⁹ “Take away the stone,” he said.

“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”

⁴⁰ Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

⁴¹ So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. ⁴² I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

⁴³ When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” ⁴⁴ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

4⁵ Therefore many of the Jews who had come to visit Mary, and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him

You see, even though Jesus knew he was going to raise this guy from the dead, he still cried.  He still felt pain of the loss before the miracle he performed.  Jesus needed people to have faith. I'm trying to have faith that God has something really good in store for me.  And for Susan.  It's hard with all I've lost, but I also believe it is possible.  I am alive.

The pastor said something that also spoke to me.  "when your at City Church, you will never have to cry alone."  I felt pretty sad.  I prayed to God I didn't have to feel that way all day.  I did not.  

We played City Church in softball later that day.  Actually it was mix of mostly CityTeam guys and members of City Church vs. Mostly City Church with I think one City Team guy.  We mixed it up a bit.  My team lost, but it was fun.  I was 2 for 4 with one RBI.  I played third.  I helped get a guy out in a pickle and helped turn a double play.  It was really fun.  The people from City Church really seem to care about the guys at CityTeam.

City Church

It seems San Francisco has always been trying to save me.  And Susan.  For years, people of this city have picked me up when I am down.  Doctors, strangers, friends I've met in recovery, people on the street, the police, the fire department, EMT's, Kaiser's urgent care, emergency room and ICU, neighbors and even the voices in my head.  The voices in my head were actually voices of some of these people that I just mentioned.  Even "evil" voices and people seemed like they were trying to help me - kind of.  Evil was in my head and evil also manifested itself into people on the streets on this last run.  I know it sounds crazy but it's true.  A guy who tried to help me for so many years who I started to think just might be the devil, actually became devil!  I still might write that blog some day.

San Francisco does seem to be saving me.  They saved Susan from me first - I think I was evil. In some ways, I turned that guy I thought might be the devil into the devil.  The devil said he saved Susan, but then he of course wanted her soul.  It's a long messed up story, but I swear it all happened in my crazy world.  It was all a sad time, but I can now see that something beautiful was about to happen.

Susan was priority number one to the voices. I'm glad for that. My possible saving would have to wait.    While San Francisco seemed to be in the midst of saving Susan from me, She was given tickets to The Giants opening day - the year after winning the world series.  She deserved that.  On that San Francisco day, this San Francisco band played this San Francisco song.

I used to love the Tenderloin
Till I made some tender coin
Then I met some ladies from Marin
We took the highway to the One
Up the coast to catch some sun
They left me with this blisters on my skin.

Don't know what I was on, but I think it grows in Oregon
So I kept on going, going, gone, right through
I drove into Seattle rain, fell in love then missed the train
That could a took me right back home to you

I been high
I been low
I been yes, and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco

Ooo ooo ooo, oh oh

Every day's so caffeinated
I wish they were Golden Gated
Fillmore couldn't feel more miles away
So, wrap me up return to sender
Let's forget this 5 year bender
Take me to my city by the Bay

I never knew all that I had
Now Alcatraz don't sound so bad
At least they'd have a hella fine merlot
If I could wish upon a star
I would hitch a cable car
To the one place that I'll always call my home

I been high
I been low
I been yes, and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco
I been up
I been down
I been so damn lost since you're not around
I been reggae and calypso
Won't you save me San Francisco

To tell you the truth
I miss everything...everything
It's a wild, wide, beautiful world
But there's a wide-eyed girl back there
And she means everything...everything

I been stop
I been go
I been yes and I been oh hell no
I been rock 'n roll and disco
Won't you save me San Francisco
I been up
I been down
I been so damn lost since you're not around
I been reggae and calypso
Won't you save me San Francisco

Oo oo oo...oh oh
Won't you save me San Francisco
Oo oo oo...oh oh
Won't you save me San Francisco