(I wrote this blog on May 14th, 2012)
I’m back at CityTeam. CityTeam is, well, CityTeam. I love everyone here. It was nice to get away into the mountains, but I’m a city person. It feels good to be in The City. While I was at Camp MayMac, we lost one guy and gained two. Fortunately, the one guy we lost was sent to Walden House. 815 is a dual diagnosis facility. I’ve been there three times for detox. It should be a good fit for him. He’s a really good guy.
It seems like our two new guys are good guys. If someone new makes an unknowing mistake that affects me directly, I’ll let it go. Most guys here wouldn’t. They made that clear to me and the house manager. It became a bit of something in process group this morning. I only spoke on it AFTER it was discussed and I didn’t agree with the facts and opinions. I think I can be a bit of a doormat or perhaps I just give a lot of grace.
After only a couple of days being back, people were already giving me a hard time for things that were out of my control or an accident. i.e. - lunch was late because the food that was donated was bad. I’ll bite my lip for so long – and then you’re going to here the truth about what’s going on and how I feel about it. You won’t starve. Be grateful for what you have. Respect me for having to throw a whole new lunch together. Also, I’m not a cook. I’ll try to learn from the mishap. I was instructed to serve the food that ended up being bad by the house manager. This is before we knew it was bad. It was donated by trader Joes and all the sandwiches were wrapped up and had good dates on them. Apparently, at some point, they were not properly refrigerated. I may speak this truth with passion in my voice when people won’t get off my back about it. Basically, “Chill the (bleep) out. It was an accident!” I can’t always be a people pleaser. I can’t always be a doormat. When I speak, I speak the truth. When things happen, I am more than willing to let them go. When others don’t, I’ll eventually tell them how I feel about it.
A lot of people here like to use backhanded, under the breath comments or sarcasm to criticize me. I say how I feel to your face no matter who’s around at the time if someone is criticizing me. I’m not perfect. NO WHERE NEAR. I am being very honest. I do truly care about everyone here. I will respect you. I will speak up when I am being disrespected. I will give grace to those who disrespect me.
Living an honest truthful life is hard. I prefer it to the alternative, because I know God has my back when I do. My actions and words really stir the pot here sometimes. With that said, I am working on myself. When I am being told, YOU, YOU, YOU……I’m going to tell that I, I, I……..AND, it’s going to be the truth. When everyone in the room looks at me with a look of “calm down,” I have to recognize that. I do get frustrated. I speak with passion in my voice. I get that from my dad. He scared me sometimes! These guys think I’m going to blow up sometimes. I’m not. I’m passionate. I’d still like to be a little more at peace - SO BACK OFF! :)
I talk a lot, but I listen more. I use a lot of words when I talk. This frustrates people. I do this because I care. I want people to understand that. I guess that’s not always evident. I am not saying this to brag, but I am intelligent in some ways. My mind is really messed up though. I am in a lot of mental anguish sometimes. I feel like not many "get me." That’s why I have used in the past. That’s not a good excuse and that’s not okay. The only way I will remain clean is by living in The Truth.
So often people will talk to me and others will tell me to shut up, while I am talking. I really take that personal very often. I have plenty of character defects. I am also around a bunch of men - I do need to be. Even Susan used to tell me, “You need to man up,” when I was using. I’m a different person when I’m not using. I’m not afraid and I’ll tell you how it is.
The testosterone here can be overwhelming. Being at Camp MayMac, I got to spend some time with some really nice ladies who worked there. One of the ladies was asking about me. I briefly told her about my situation. She said it best. “A guilty broken heart is the hardest.” That is what I have. I don’t know what it’s like to have a broken heart without the guilt, because I have both. I’m sure it hurts.
I don’t sleep much. I sleep maybe three or four hours a night. I spend a lot of that time awake being sad. I spend a lot of time crying – this happens less than it used to, but it still happens. I listen to my iPod a lot. I talk to God a lot. Sometimes I feel like God is really the only friend I have that could possibly understand me. I have made some really good friends here, but I still feel like people don’t really get me. I feel very lonely sometimes.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in life. I have a heavy cross to bear. I do believe God forgives me. I know that in my addiction, life was so hard. Living an honest life is also hard, but it is rewarding.
The people here who really have a problem with me are not working a good program. They are swimming up stream. I know when the guys who are working a good program and the staff support me, that I am doing something right. I think some people don’t like me for this. The guys I respect do try to help me and recognize my honesty and hard work. One of my favorite guys here is the young man from Indiana – Zack Attack. He is so mature to be nineteen. He really amazes me. He recognized all I had been doing and when I came back from doing something I was asked to do that interfered with my kitchen job, he told me, “Dave, I’ll clean all this up for you, don’t worry about it.” I really had a hard time accepting his help, but I really appreciated him for it.
Right after this occurred to me, I read something that Paul from the bible said, “If my life is fruitless, it doesn’t matter who praises me, and if my life is fruitful, it doesn’t matter who criticizes me.” I do need to know that.
I still struggle with who I am. Jesus is said to have been the only person in The Bible who never sinned. He was crucified. God knows I’ve sinned. My addiction turned me into a freaked out mess. That’s not who I am, but life is still hard.
I am grateful. This afternoon, the director of CityTeam, Johnathon asked me to be a part of a group called discover recovery. We are going to go out and recruit people from the streets with a flyer I volunteered to make so we can help people get clean. Jonathon said he saw something special in me. Diablo told me after our group meeting that Jonathon doesn’t just say that to anyone. I must be very humble about this. What he sees in me, is not me - it is God. I don’t even feel right saying something so big – since I was once more like the devil.
Johnathon made a good analogy to our group. When people developed photographs, before the days of digital photography, it was necessary to go into a dark room in order to develop a beautiful photograph. God was with me all along.
I’m back at CityTeam. CityTeam is, well, CityTeam. I love everyone here. It was nice to get away into the mountains, but I’m a city person. It feels good to be in The City. While I was at Camp MayMac, we lost one guy and gained two. Fortunately, the one guy we lost was sent to Walden House. 815 is a dual diagnosis facility. I’ve been there three times for detox. It should be a good fit for him. He’s a really good guy.
It seems like our two new guys are good guys. If someone new makes an unknowing mistake that affects me directly, I’ll let it go. Most guys here wouldn’t. They made that clear to me and the house manager. It became a bit of something in process group this morning. I only spoke on it AFTER it was discussed and I didn’t agree with the facts and opinions. I think I can be a bit of a doormat or perhaps I just give a lot of grace.
After only a couple of days being back, people were already giving me a hard time for things that were out of my control or an accident. i.e. - lunch was late because the food that was donated was bad. I’ll bite my lip for so long – and then you’re going to here the truth about what’s going on and how I feel about it. You won’t starve. Be grateful for what you have. Respect me for having to throw a whole new lunch together. Also, I’m not a cook. I’ll try to learn from the mishap. I was instructed to serve the food that ended up being bad by the house manager. This is before we knew it was bad. It was donated by trader Joes and all the sandwiches were wrapped up and had good dates on them. Apparently, at some point, they were not properly refrigerated. I may speak this truth with passion in my voice when people won’t get off my back about it. Basically, “Chill the (bleep) out. It was an accident!” I can’t always be a people pleaser. I can’t always be a doormat. When I speak, I speak the truth. When things happen, I am more than willing to let them go. When others don’t, I’ll eventually tell them how I feel about it.
A lot of people here like to use backhanded, under the breath comments or sarcasm to criticize me. I say how I feel to your face no matter who’s around at the time if someone is criticizing me. I’m not perfect. NO WHERE NEAR. I am being very honest. I do truly care about everyone here. I will respect you. I will speak up when I am being disrespected. I will give grace to those who disrespect me.
Living an honest truthful life is hard. I prefer it to the alternative, because I know God has my back when I do. My actions and words really stir the pot here sometimes. With that said, I am working on myself. When I am being told, YOU, YOU, YOU……I’m going to tell that I, I, I……..AND, it’s going to be the truth. When everyone in the room looks at me with a look of “calm down,” I have to recognize that. I do get frustrated. I speak with passion in my voice. I get that from my dad. He scared me sometimes! These guys think I’m going to blow up sometimes. I’m not. I’m passionate. I’d still like to be a little more at peace - SO BACK OFF! :)
I talk a lot, but I listen more. I use a lot of words when I talk. This frustrates people. I do this because I care. I want people to understand that. I guess that’s not always evident. I am not saying this to brag, but I am intelligent in some ways. My mind is really messed up though. I am in a lot of mental anguish sometimes. I feel like not many "get me." That’s why I have used in the past. That’s not a good excuse and that’s not okay. The only way I will remain clean is by living in The Truth.
So often people will talk to me and others will tell me to shut up, while I am talking. I really take that personal very often. I have plenty of character defects. I am also around a bunch of men - I do need to be. Even Susan used to tell me, “You need to man up,” when I was using. I’m a different person when I’m not using. I’m not afraid and I’ll tell you how it is.
The testosterone here can be overwhelming. Being at Camp MayMac, I got to spend some time with some really nice ladies who worked there. One of the ladies was asking about me. I briefly told her about my situation. She said it best. “A guilty broken heart is the hardest.” That is what I have. I don’t know what it’s like to have a broken heart without the guilt, because I have both. I’m sure it hurts.
I don’t sleep much. I sleep maybe three or four hours a night. I spend a lot of that time awake being sad. I spend a lot of time crying – this happens less than it used to, but it still happens. I listen to my iPod a lot. I talk to God a lot. Sometimes I feel like God is really the only friend I have that could possibly understand me. I have made some really good friends here, but I still feel like people don’t really get me. I feel very lonely sometimes.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in life. I have a heavy cross to bear. I do believe God forgives me. I know that in my addiction, life was so hard. Living an honest life is also hard, but it is rewarding.
The people here who really have a problem with me are not working a good program. They are swimming up stream. I know when the guys who are working a good program and the staff support me, that I am doing something right. I think some people don’t like me for this. The guys I respect do try to help me and recognize my honesty and hard work. One of my favorite guys here is the young man from Indiana – Zack Attack. He is so mature to be nineteen. He really amazes me. He recognized all I had been doing and when I came back from doing something I was asked to do that interfered with my kitchen job, he told me, “Dave, I’ll clean all this up for you, don’t worry about it.” I really had a hard time accepting his help, but I really appreciated him for it.
Right after this occurred to me, I read something that Paul from the bible said, “If my life is fruitless, it doesn’t matter who praises me, and if my life is fruitful, it doesn’t matter who criticizes me.” I do need to know that.
I still struggle with who I am. Jesus is said to have been the only person in The Bible who never sinned. He was crucified. God knows I’ve sinned. My addiction turned me into a freaked out mess. That’s not who I am, but life is still hard.
I am grateful. This afternoon, the director of CityTeam, Johnathon asked me to be a part of a group called discover recovery. We are going to go out and recruit people from the streets with a flyer I volunteered to make so we can help people get clean. Jonathon said he saw something special in me. Diablo told me after our group meeting that Jonathon doesn’t just say that to anyone. I must be very humble about this. What he sees in me, is not me - it is God. I don’t even feel right saying something so big – since I was once more like the devil.
Johnathon made a good analogy to our group. When people developed photographs, before the days of digital photography, it was necessary to go into a dark room in order to develop a beautiful photograph. God was with me all along.
I'm glad I can help out at Youth With A Mission. After all, it was YWAM that introduced me to CityTeam.
(Later that evening)
I just left Susan’s. I stopped there to drop off my computer because I was making that flyer. I ran with Phil to The Bay and back. I cleaned out the cat box and offered to wash the bedspread that the cat’s puked on since I’m going to Brainwash with Hefe Grande tonight. She told me she didn’t feel she had a very private life with me coming and going. She used to really want to be with me. She feels this way because of me. I thought we might still be friends, but I need to let go.
I’m fucked up. I’m writing this on my laptop on the sidewalk on Natoma Alley. I decided to stop and write because, on my way back to CityTeam, I saw syringes and crystal meth baggies all over the ground. This is because I had my head down while walking. I’m done using drugs. That’s a promise.
(I have this awesome photo I took of NYC cab coming through the steam rising from a man hole in New York that would be cool right here. I also have this photo of Susan dancing in the snow in Washington Square Park. Both photos are from our New Years 2010 trip there. I'm in the Santa Cruz Mountains again for a week and want to get all of these blogs posted while I'm here. Those photos are on a detachable hard drive at Susan's. Perhaps I'll put it on here later. It'd be kind of hard for me to see right now anyway.)
(8/25/2015 - I've recently found out just how amazing God had been for me all this time through so many of you. Thank You all! Especially Train for this one! I've been reading so many my blogs and had to find these photos today!)
(8/25/2015 - I've recently found out just how amazing God had been for me all this time through so many of you. Thank You all! Especially Train for this one! I've been reading so many my blogs and had to find these photos today!)
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| Washington Square Arch |
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| Susan aka Man Smart (Woman Smarter) aka Atheist Angel |
New York snow this time of year
There's nothing more beautiful to me
Except for you
Making my way on the town
And I'm seeing familiar places, faces
In my pile of coffee grounds
The days are better, the nights are still so lonely
Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road
Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road
Watching my breath rise in the sun
Pulling myself in two made one
Helplessly feel for my phone and drive away
This new rhythm I pursue
Is just my getting over you
Telling myself that I need to
The days are better, the nights are still so lonely
Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road
Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road
I'm still looking for a play no one said that it was fair
To be alone
The days are better, the nights are still so lonely
Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road
The days are better, the nights are still so lonely
Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road
Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road
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