( I wrote this blog on June 6, 2012 - D Day)
I don’t know where to begin or what to write today. I’ve been thinking about writing for a few days now. Life’s been hard, but I’m getting through it. I did have a couple of using thoughts last night. I’ve been watching Phil and the cats all week. Susan’s in Cincinnati. Being at that apartment with all of these emotions is hard, but I’m getting through it. I’m glad I can help her right now.
CityTeam is worried about me. They say I’m detaching. I’m not really detaching, but I am creating a little distance. I’m tired of being told to shut up and having people jump all over me for making a mistake – if it’s even a mistake at all. It’s not like those who are telling me about my “mistake” are really doing anything to help themselves or anyone else here. They create problems with everyone. They especially like to create them with me. They are basically hanging themselves. It's something I've learned I'll just have to endure. As Diablo said to me, "No good deed goes unpunished around here."
My roommate can’t stand me. Apparently, I bug the crap out of him. One of the volunteer staff members who thinks he knows everything I’m about is trying to help. I like the guy, but sometimes he’s way off about me. The house manager saw me across the street yesterday using the phone at self-help. They’re concerned I’m too involved with Susan. The volunteer staff member likes to tell me “I’m stalking her.” He doesn’t even know what he’s talking about. He also says I’m only helping her for me. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean. I helping her because I care about her. I KNOW IT'S OVER! WWJD you bunch of Christians? Jesus would help someone who needed help. SHE SAVED MY LIFE PEOPLE!
They suggested I let her take care of herself. She’ll be gone soon. She’s moving at the end of July. Logistically, we have to spend some time together. It’s not going to be easy to divide up all our stuff. We do care about each other. It’s a lot more than all this, but I don’t want to invade her privacy any more than I already am. I said I’d leave her out of this. It’s kind of hard for me. We are fine and are going to be fine. It’s just a lot. I have so much to write about and so much I can’t write about. Don't get involved with a writer! Oh wait, unless it's me.
I’m currently in the learning center typing on a CityTeam computer. Apparently I type too hard. One of the newer guys just said, “I can’t concentrate with you typing like that!” I have no idea if he is kidding, so I simply said, “I guess you’ll have to go somewhere else.” If what he said was a joke, than so was what I said. If what he said wasn’t a joke, than neither was what I said. That’s what I don’t like about sarcasm - if that's what it was. I am trying to type softer, but I just don’t get some of these guys sometimes.
I finally had to go to the director about my roommate. The volunteer staff member was asking me about a receipt and taking something back to the hardware store that I know I didn’t buy. He kept telling me I did buy it. I didn’t. We know this now. It was early and it kind of annoyed me too, but I simply tried to tell him, “I didn’t buy those. I don’t have the receipt.” – “Yes you did, Yes you did!” I didn’t. Again, we know this now. I knew this then. My roommate who happened to be sitting near by told me to shut up - again. It had nothing to do with him. I guess it was just hard for him to here us debating about something so early in the morning. My brain is so full of confusion without all I am asked to do here; it was already hard for me. Still, I want to help whenever I can.
I walked away and after a couple of minutes came back as the volunteer staff member sat there as a witness and said to my roomate, “You have to understand, when someone is talking to me, I have to respond.” He told me to shut up and leave him alone. I wasn’t talking to him to begin with. I told him, “I’m going to have to go to someone.” He said, “Go ahead - leave me alone.” I said, “I thought we’d handle this in a more man to man way, but it’s your choice.”
I went to the director, Jonathon. He basically said, if he doesn’t learn to mind his own business, he’s out of here. I’m in his room because his old roommate asked to be moved out. I’m not perfect, but it’s not just me. I still felt guilty about having to do this, but at least he does have a chance to change his behavior. I’m not trying to get someone kicked out of here. I am trying to feel good at least knowing that I handled it like this:
Matthew 18:15-17
“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”
I guess it’s in his hands now. In a group yesterday, that volunteer staff guy said we all need to quit taking each others inventory. I said, “I don’t. I could care less what others are doing – until they won’t leave me alone about everything I’m doing.” Then I care. I actually have let it go for a long time. Then he suggested that perhaps I talked too much in my room. Since I have been in my room for about a week, I have said next to nothing. I purposefully don’t talk. If asked a question by the roomate I get along with, I briefly answer. I spend most of my evening at Brainwash. I get there in time to sleep and that’s what I do, while everyone else talks. I’m being told I’m withdrawing. I wonder why?
Some of these guys do care. They really do. The volunteer staff member said to me today, “Quit looking at me like I’m the enemy.” I don’t even know what he was talking about, because I wasn’t even looking at him.” I do know he cares. I care about him too. Please, quit thinking you know what I’m thinking!
Some of the people who I know care about me, they are not all wrong about all that is going on in my life. I did have using thoughts last night. I hate to get way to honest in this blog, but more than anything lately, I want to be with a woman – like that! This would be wrong. I have issues with that. I have known for a while that I have abandonment issues and that this is how people like us seek approval or love or caring or whatever it is that about it that makes us feel good. I guess I just want something to change the way I feel. If I’m not careful, I’ll have a needle in my arm soon. Would it be that wrong? CityTeam thinks so. At least I'm being honest with them about my "cravings".
All of the people I like and respect here seem to like and respect me. I do care about these guys who don’t like me, but it is hard to be around them. It’s starting to bother some of the younger guys here. One of them, The King, came to me this morning and said to me, “These guys that are calling you tweaker, Fricken it’s starting to make me really mad”. I love this guy. Not just because he likes me. I don't call him The King in this blog for nothing. He says “Fricken” instead of the alternative all the time. He’s a good young man who has been through a lot in his life. I know this because he trusted me to talk to me one day. I don’t gossip. Period. If you tell me something in confidence I'll keep it that way. When I talk about what people are doing to me in this blog – it’s just facts. I’m not naming names. If others know who you are and your okay with your actions, then it’s no big deal. Be a good person. I’m just being honest because that’s what I do in this blog. I don't want to hurt anyone. I hate my life sometimes.
I really like The King, who was really trying to put up for me. I really appreciated what he said, but I told him not to let it bother him and don’t get himself into any trouble over it.
Later this morning in a class, we read another bible verse. He was sitting next to me and I made a point to point at the words as we read it and he smiled and shook his head.
Matthew 5:11
God blesses you when people mock and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers.
This afternoon a pastor came in and read something from the Bible, I can’t remember where and I forgot to ask him where, but, it read something like this:
(I looked it up.)
1 Peter 4:12
He basically said that it is these tests that prove that our faith is real. Unless you go through suffering, unless you are purified, one will never know. It’s like I wrote in a recent blog, You’ll never know God is all you need until God is all you have. It seems I am being stripped of absolutely everything. Most of it was my doing. The truth is, for all I have lost and am losing, I am getting a little back already. Just like a grapevine is pruned of everything and buds start to appear.
"You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."
- Winston Churchill
I don’t know where to begin or what to write today. I’ve been thinking about writing for a few days now. Life’s been hard, but I’m getting through it. I did have a couple of using thoughts last night. I’ve been watching Phil and the cats all week. Susan’s in Cincinnati. Being at that apartment with all of these emotions is hard, but I’m getting through it. I’m glad I can help her right now.
CityTeam is worried about me. They say I’m detaching. I’m not really detaching, but I am creating a little distance. I’m tired of being told to shut up and having people jump all over me for making a mistake – if it’s even a mistake at all. It’s not like those who are telling me about my “mistake” are really doing anything to help themselves or anyone else here. They create problems with everyone. They especially like to create them with me. They are basically hanging themselves. It's something I've learned I'll just have to endure. As Diablo said to me, "No good deed goes unpunished around here."
My roommate can’t stand me. Apparently, I bug the crap out of him. One of the volunteer staff members who thinks he knows everything I’m about is trying to help. I like the guy, but sometimes he’s way off about me. The house manager saw me across the street yesterday using the phone at self-help. They’re concerned I’m too involved with Susan. The volunteer staff member likes to tell me “I’m stalking her.” He doesn’t even know what he’s talking about. He also says I’m only helping her for me. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean. I helping her because I care about her. I KNOW IT'S OVER! WWJD you bunch of Christians? Jesus would help someone who needed help. SHE SAVED MY LIFE PEOPLE!
They suggested I let her take care of herself. She’ll be gone soon. She’s moving at the end of July. Logistically, we have to spend some time together. It’s not going to be easy to divide up all our stuff. We do care about each other. It’s a lot more than all this, but I don’t want to invade her privacy any more than I already am. I said I’d leave her out of this. It’s kind of hard for me. We are fine and are going to be fine. It’s just a lot. I have so much to write about and so much I can’t write about. Don't get involved with a writer! Oh wait, unless it's me.
I’m currently in the learning center typing on a CityTeam computer. Apparently I type too hard. One of the newer guys just said, “I can’t concentrate with you typing like that!” I have no idea if he is kidding, so I simply said, “I guess you’ll have to go somewhere else.” If what he said was a joke, than so was what I said. If what he said wasn’t a joke, than neither was what I said. That’s what I don’t like about sarcasm - if that's what it was. I am trying to type softer, but I just don’t get some of these guys sometimes.
I finally had to go to the director about my roommate. The volunteer staff member was asking me about a receipt and taking something back to the hardware store that I know I didn’t buy. He kept telling me I did buy it. I didn’t. We know this now. It was early and it kind of annoyed me too, but I simply tried to tell him, “I didn’t buy those. I don’t have the receipt.” – “Yes you did, Yes you did!” I didn’t. Again, we know this now. I knew this then. My roommate who happened to be sitting near by told me to shut up - again. It had nothing to do with him. I guess it was just hard for him to here us debating about something so early in the morning. My brain is so full of confusion without all I am asked to do here; it was already hard for me. Still, I want to help whenever I can.
I walked away and after a couple of minutes came back as the volunteer staff member sat there as a witness and said to my roomate, “You have to understand, when someone is talking to me, I have to respond.” He told me to shut up and leave him alone. I wasn’t talking to him to begin with. I told him, “I’m going to have to go to someone.” He said, “Go ahead - leave me alone.” I said, “I thought we’d handle this in a more man to man way, but it’s your choice.”
I went to the director, Jonathon. He basically said, if he doesn’t learn to mind his own business, he’s out of here. I’m in his room because his old roommate asked to be moved out. I’m not perfect, but it’s not just me. I still felt guilty about having to do this, but at least he does have a chance to change his behavior. I’m not trying to get someone kicked out of here. I am trying to feel good at least knowing that I handled it like this:
Matthew 18:15-17
“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”
I guess it’s in his hands now. In a group yesterday, that volunteer staff guy said we all need to quit taking each others inventory. I said, “I don’t. I could care less what others are doing – until they won’t leave me alone about everything I’m doing.” Then I care. I actually have let it go for a long time. Then he suggested that perhaps I talked too much in my room. Since I have been in my room for about a week, I have said next to nothing. I purposefully don’t talk. If asked a question by the roomate I get along with, I briefly answer. I spend most of my evening at Brainwash. I get there in time to sleep and that’s what I do, while everyone else talks. I’m being told I’m withdrawing. I wonder why?
Some of these guys do care. They really do. The volunteer staff member said to me today, “Quit looking at me like I’m the enemy.” I don’t even know what he was talking about, because I wasn’t even looking at him.” I do know he cares. I care about him too. Please, quit thinking you know what I’m thinking!
Some of the people who I know care about me, they are not all wrong about all that is going on in my life. I did have using thoughts last night. I hate to get way to honest in this blog, but more than anything lately, I want to be with a woman – like that! This would be wrong. I have issues with that. I have known for a while that I have abandonment issues and that this is how people like us seek approval or love or caring or whatever it is that about it that makes us feel good. I guess I just want something to change the way I feel. If I’m not careful, I’ll have a needle in my arm soon. Would it be that wrong? CityTeam thinks so. At least I'm being honest with them about my "cravings".
All of the people I like and respect here seem to like and respect me. I do care about these guys who don’t like me, but it is hard to be around them. It’s starting to bother some of the younger guys here. One of them, The King, came to me this morning and said to me, “These guys that are calling you tweaker, Fricken it’s starting to make me really mad”. I love this guy. Not just because he likes me. I don't call him The King in this blog for nothing. He says “Fricken” instead of the alternative all the time. He’s a good young man who has been through a lot in his life. I know this because he trusted me to talk to me one day. I don’t gossip. Period. If you tell me something in confidence I'll keep it that way. When I talk about what people are doing to me in this blog – it’s just facts. I’m not naming names. If others know who you are and your okay with your actions, then it’s no big deal. Be a good person. I’m just being honest because that’s what I do in this blog. I don't want to hurt anyone. I hate my life sometimes.
I really like The King, who was really trying to put up for me. I really appreciated what he said, but I told him not to let it bother him and don’t get himself into any trouble over it.
Later this morning in a class, we read another bible verse. He was sitting next to me and I made a point to point at the words as we read it and he smiled and shook his head.
Matthew 5:11
God blesses you when people mock and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers.
This afternoon a pastor came in and read something from the Bible, I can’t remember where and I forgot to ask him where, but, it read something like this:
(I looked it up.)
1 Peter 4:12
"Dear friends, don't be surprised about the fiery trials that have come among you to test you. These are not strange happenings."
He basically said that it is these tests that prove that our faith is real. Unless you go through suffering, unless you are purified, one will never know. It’s like I wrote in a recent blog, You’ll never know God is all you need until God is all you have. It seems I am being stripped of absolutely everything. Most of it was my doing. The truth is, for all I have lost and am losing, I am getting a little back already. Just like a grapevine is pruned of everything and buds start to appear.
John 15:1-4
“I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the messages I have given you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.”
It seems when times are easy, I tend to forget about all God has done for me. I definitely turn to him more during trying times. I think this will ultimately build my faith. It’s still hard and I’m trying to learn to stick with him all the time. I have to if I don’t want a needle in my arm and I DON’T.
In another class, we were asked if we would rather go to prison, die or use. Most people of course said use. It was my first thought, but after I thought about it, I said, “I’d probably rather die being a good person than use again.” I wholeheartedly mean that. As hard as things are these days, they don’t even come close to comparing to the "nightmare" that is my meth use. If I were to die and there is nothing after death, then so be it. It’d beat living in hell on earth. If there is an afterlife, I’d rather take my chances dying clean than to die while in hell on earth. As long as I'm clean, I'm not afraid to die. This doesn't mean I want to. God, I hope and pray I never use again.
A lot of guys from CityTeam are going out and using. It’s hard to see. They are really making a mess of themselves. My buddy Leonard Sizemore never came back on Friday. We’ve seen him since. He’s gone down hill fast. Another graduate died today. One of the last times I saw him, he was really frustrated, confused and was crying saying he just didn’t think he was going to be able to stay clean where he lived in the Tenderloin anymore.
Did I say Susan has decided to move back to Cincinnati at the end of July? I’ll really miss her a lot, but I’ll be glad when she’s back home where she belongs. I’ll be grateful that she will be far away from my ever-possible insanity. I pray she is going to have a nice life.
God punished David for not being a good person. It was after that David wrote Psalms.
“I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the messages I have given you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.”
It seems when times are easy, I tend to forget about all God has done for me. I definitely turn to him more during trying times. I think this will ultimately build my faith. It’s still hard and I’m trying to learn to stick with him all the time. I have to if I don’t want a needle in my arm and I DON’T.
In another class, we were asked if we would rather go to prison, die or use. Most people of course said use. It was my first thought, but after I thought about it, I said, “I’d probably rather die being a good person than use again.” I wholeheartedly mean that. As hard as things are these days, they don’t even come close to comparing to the "nightmare" that is my meth use. If I were to die and there is nothing after death, then so be it. It’d beat living in hell on earth. If there is an afterlife, I’d rather take my chances dying clean than to die while in hell on earth. As long as I'm clean, I'm not afraid to die. This doesn't mean I want to. God, I hope and pray I never use again.
A lot of guys from CityTeam are going out and using. It’s hard to see. They are really making a mess of themselves. My buddy Leonard Sizemore never came back on Friday. We’ve seen him since. He’s gone down hill fast. Another graduate died today. One of the last times I saw him, he was really frustrated, confused and was crying saying he just didn’t think he was going to be able to stay clean where he lived in the Tenderloin anymore.
Did I say Susan has decided to move back to Cincinnati at the end of July? I’ll really miss her a lot, but I’ll be glad when she’s back home where she belongs. I’ll be grateful that she will be far away from my ever-possible insanity. I pray she is going to have a nice life.
God punished David for not being a good person. It was after that David wrote Psalms.
Those crazy Brits! Churchill could have used this song June 6, 1944.
Paranoia is in bloom,
The PR transmissions will resume,
They'll try to push drugs that keep us all dumbed down,
And hope that we will never see the truth around
(So come on)
Another promise, another scene,
Another packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed,
And all the green belts wrapped around our minds,
And endless red tape to keep the truth confined
(So come on)
They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious
(So come on)
Interchanging mind control,
Come let the revolution take it's toll,
If you could flick a switch and open your third eye,
You'd see that
We should never be afraid to die
(So come on)
Rise up and take the power back,
It's time the fat cats had a heart attack,
You know that their time's coming to an end,
We have to unify and watch our flag ascend
They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious
So come on
They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious
The PR transmissions will resume,
They'll try to push drugs that keep us all dumbed down,
And hope that we will never see the truth around
(So come on)
Another promise, another scene,
Another packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed,
And all the green belts wrapped around our minds,
And endless red tape to keep the truth confined
(So come on)
They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious
(So come on)
Interchanging mind control,
Come let the revolution take it's toll,
If you could flick a switch and open your third eye,
You'd see that
We should never be afraid to die
(So come on)
Rise up and take the power back,
It's time the fat cats had a heart attack,
You know that their time's coming to an end,
We have to unify and watch our flag ascend
They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious
So come on
They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious
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