Someone Like You - It's the Climb

Lately I've been listening to a soft rock station at night in my headphones - 96.5 KOIT.  I guess kind of like Coit Tower.  That's where I proposed to Susan.  Sometimes it helps me sleep.  I woke up for good at 4:00AM and this song was on:

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, "
Yeah

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah 

So, like I said, that's the song that was on when I woke up this morning at 4:00 AM.  I never sleep that great but I haven't really slept at all these past couple of nights.   Unfortunately, it's not always about Sleepless.  In fact I'm sorry about being such an emotional wreck about things Sleepless.  I know I'm not suppose to apologize but I am sorry.   Thanks for being the friend of a screwed up person like me.

I keep saying I'm over Susan because I am.  I mean, she is pregnant and married and moving to Cincinnati.  I don't have any ill feelings towards her for this.  It is what it is.  I want her to be happy.  I don't want to get into it all, but things would have never been this way if I wasn't so messed up. Her being pregnant and married and moving to Cincinnati actually helps - if that makes sense.  I want her to be happy and get everything she deserves in life.  I also truly see it as God's will for her.  It doesn't mean it's not hard.  I don't want to get into all that right now.  I really just want it to be over.

It's 4:50 AM and I'm sitting in an empty apartment.  She's sleeping in the back room on the bed that will be mine.  I have to take it to my storage unit today.  I don' think I'm suppose to leave CityTeam until 6:00 AM.  I just really didn't want to wake up my roommates with my weeping.  It's embarrassing, yet, I write about it for anyone to read.  I really don't care what people think of me I'd just rather not do it in front of people I guess.  This blog is suppose to have a bigger purpose.  I'm not sure that it always does, but I'm hoping brutal honesty counts for something.  Sometimes it feels like a pathetic 40 year old whining.

Sometimes I start running at 5:30.  I was going to today, but I knew today was Susan's last day here.  She is, of course sleeping but I wanted to be here this morning.  The cat's are still here.  They fly out later this morning.  I have to cook breakfast at CityTeam and then I have to go to church.  Then, Sam Malone, The King and I will finish moving this afternoon.  I drive her to the San Francisco Airport tonight.  I am also picking Trudy up at the same time, so that works out. Susan will fly back to the Bay Area in a couple of days.  When she returns, her husband will be here and they will be staying in the East Bay until she leaves for Cincinnati on Friday.  

This afternoon, I'm going to use the van to take one load to our U Haul self storage down by where 101 and 280 intersect.  I don't know why that stupid storage unit is so damn emotional to me.  Well, I guess I do.   I just clearly remember 11 years ago when we first got here, unloading some of our stuff into that storage unit because our first San Francisco apartment was so tiny.  The apartment was still very expensive.  We had our beagle Willie with us.  Susan was wearing a hippie dress.  

Although I can now clearly see what a crack head I was back then (crack use to be my drug of choice before I found the lust of my life) somehow, that wasn't obvious to me back then.  I thought everyone smoked crack all night and worked all day.  (not really, but I did).   I was full of hope.  I had my dream job at the San Francisco Chronicle in our dream city.  The city that I proposed to Susan.  The city we honeymooned. The city we visited at least ten times before moving here.  The city that meant so much to us.  The beautiful city by the Bay.  San Francisco. 

I just want this all to be over.  I think I'm starting to realize that it's not really going to be over when it's over, but it least can start to be over.  I feel like a big baby writing all this stuff all the time.  I am not even sure why I do.  It's been said that addicts stop emotionally maturing at the age they started using.  That makes sense, because I feel like a 12 year old sometimes.  It really kind of sucks.  I just don't really know what it's like to keep on feeling something.  After my mother died, I pretty much hit the ground running.  I was never much of a social user of any kind.  It's not like I used all the time when young, but when I did - I did!  And, it changed the way I felt.  It changed my reality - ultimately to become worse and worse.

So, now I am a 40 year old man stuck with 28 years of one f'd up reality - losing so much with the emotional stability of a 12 year old.  I'll make it.  I do appreciate everyone's support.  I'm sorry Sus for making your life so public.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  I'm sorry if I hurt anyone.  Let me rephrase that - I'm sorry to the people I hurt.  I'm tired of being sorry.  Life is hard nowadays, but it is rewarding.  I will make it through.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'll always have to work hard to reach it.  It'll be nice for both of us to move on.  I hope and pray Susan will have a nice life.  

I think it is appropriate that the next song that came on this morning was by "Hannah Montana."  If you didn't see the Hannah Montana movie (as I suspect most 40 year olds did not unless they watched it with their twelve year old daughter) this is the song Miley sang when she outed the fact that she was really Hannah Montana to her hometown.  She just couldn't live the lie to the ones she loved anymore.

(I proof read this to Susan and she laughed and said, "It's so deep!"  Bitch.  She really made me laugh.   I'll miss her!)

"The Climb"

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah