(I wrote this blog June 27th, 2012)
Today is June 27, 2012. I have 104 days clean today. I just surpassed the amount of time I stayed clean in 2010 by one day. I had 103 days clean. I’m grateful to be clean, but it really just kind of hurts. I just got done having an hour long class where I direct people to highlight and underline things in a book, so it’s kind of mindless. You know how a song gets stuck in your head and you can’t get it out? For me today it has been My Immortal by Evanescence.
Today is June 27, 2012. I have 104 days clean today. I just surpassed the amount of time I stayed clean in 2010 by one day. I had 103 days clean. I’m grateful to be clean, but it really just kind of hurts. I just got done having an hour long class where I direct people to highlight and underline things in a book, so it’s kind of mindless. You know how a song gets stuck in your head and you can’t get it out? For me today it has been My Immortal by Evanescence.
It’s really a depressing song, but it is beautiful - then it jams. I hate to sit in self pity, but I can’t really help how I feel. I feel very depressed and sad often. The things that keep me going are helping new guys in the program and this blog. I do a lot for CityTeam. I'm one of two drivers, so I drive a lot for us. I facilitate at least five classes. One is everyday. The others are once a week. I facilitate a group for our guests we feed on Wednesdays. I facilitate a group at YWAM, the people who helped get me off the street, on Thursdays. I started teaching an anger management class on Tuesdays. I really like that class. I think I was just a sub. It'd probably make more since for me to teach sex addiction class, but I got the anger management somehow. I guess I do have some anger issues. I hate feeling angry. See?
If any of my issues has in fact gotten worse while at CityTeam - it's my anger issues! Does that make sense? Perhaps there is a time and a place for anger - CityTeam! I'm kind of joking. Things were insane before when I was homeless, but I didn't seem to be so angry. I had a lot of fear. I'm not really afraid anymore. Is there something to that?
If any of my issues has in fact gotten worse while at CityTeam - it's my anger issues! Does that make sense? Perhaps there is a time and a place for anger - CityTeam! I'm kind of joking. Things were insane before when I was homeless, but I didn't seem to be so angry. I had a lot of fear. I'm not really afraid anymore. Is there something to that?
When I came into CityTeam there were only about 18 people in the program. We now have about 30. I love helping the new guys. It really helps me. More importantly, I hope it helps them. I’m going to do a "photo shoot" with one of the young guys today. Let’s call him Daniel in the Lions Den. This young man is very outgoing and eager for recovery. He’s really having a hard time some days. His mother was recently murdered.
Without recovery, things could really go all wrong for this young man. He wants to be a model. I think he could be. I’m really looking forward to his photo shoot. My friend Gina and I have been practicing on each other. I’m going to practice on him today. I may start doing that type of work – I don’t know yet. Gina and I may team up – we’ll see.
Daniel of the Lions Den just came down and said, “What time we doing this, 3:30?” He also asked if I had any black shoes he could borrow. He said he only has white ones. This kid is going to look sharp.
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| This young man left a couple of days later. Many of us tried to talk him out of it. I pray he gets the message that is so clearly in his photos while he still so young. |
I’ve gotten so many incredibly nice responses about this blog. I let the guys in the house know during our worship hour we have on Wednesdays. Oh yeah, I am also the music guy for that. I kind of have fun with that. I play guitar, sing - everyone sings. I think I mentioned in a previous blog, sometimes Surfer Dude place air guitar and Rudy dances.
Our other two musicians left. Yesterday, I saw Leonard Sizemore face down on the pavement in the alley I used to sleep in. His face was beat up and he was really skinny. I could barley wake him up. I asked him to go to detox, but had to eventually walk away. He’s not going to make it if he doesn’t get help soon.
Our other two musicians left. Yesterday, I saw Leonard Sizemore face down on the pavement in the alley I used to sleep in. His face was beat up and he was really skinny. I could barley wake him up. I asked him to go to detox, but had to eventually walk away. He’s not going to make it if he doesn’t get help soon.
I heard Zack Attack isn’t doing very well. I worry about that young man. I don't like the rumors I've heard. Based on the source, it's probably not a rumor. When it comes to using drugs, San Francisco is no joke. This place will eat you alive. All cities have a rough side, but this city has a deep, dark underbelly to it. The reality of what goes on is bad enough. Then there’s this “parallel universe” that seems to exist. It makes realities hell seem like candy land. I pray he’ll be alright. It’s like I told Zack Attacks brother who stopped by a couple of days ago, “We have to do what we have to do.”
Hefe Grande won’t return my emails. I hope he is just busy, but, I know he’s having a hard time. I really miss him. I’ll pray for them all. CityTeam is a hard place to be for so many reasons. I hope to make it out of here with some friends.
I hate sharing things about others – this is why I use nicknames for everyone. Like I said before, I told the guys during worship hour what my blog had been accomplishing – since many of them are characters in it. I told them how it had given hope to many people. I also told them how one of my old high school friends told me she reads it to her kids because she doesn’t want them to do drugs. Thank you. Her son is friends with my little brother. Like she said, “It’s a small world.”
We all have struggles. I think God tests us with them. We need always to do the right thing. CityTeam is really hard to be at, but like we like to say here, “Iron sharpens iron.” I’m glad I host these classes. I’m glad I drive to pick up donations and shop for us and the needy at the foodbank. I’m glad this blog is making a difference in someone’s life – that’s what I hoped it may some how do. I know it at least making a difference in mine. This blog may be about me, but I hope everyone sees it is about so much more.
Life will continue to get better. Time will heal the pain. I do believe I will always have a little pain – for the rest of my life. My addiction created so much suffering and pain for me and Susan. She used to comfort me when I was going insane. She would feed me, hug me, tell me she loved me. She took me to the emergency room so many times over the years. I’ve been hit by a train, pistol whipped, had potentially life threatening infections. Susan was always there for me.
Although I was usually the messed up one, I did try to be there for her also. I messed her up. That is so hard for me. I tried to let her know that some how everything would be alright no matter what happened to me. It was a sick and sad relationship during those times, but we did love each other.
She once saved my life. She spent nearly 24 hours a day with me for a week in the ICU. I think the most painful part is that I didn’t get clean because of that. There were so many times when Susan really thought my death was a better option - because I wasn't there. I don’t even understand it sometimes. We had a great 103 days in 2010. I’m grateful for those days. I’m grateful she’s going to have a new life. I’m grateful for 104 clean.
Although I was usually the messed up one, I did try to be there for her also. I messed her up. That is so hard for me. I tried to let her know that some how everything would be alright no matter what happened to me. It was a sick and sad relationship during those times, but we did love each other.
She once saved my life. She spent nearly 24 hours a day with me for a week in the ICU. I think the most painful part is that I didn’t get clean because of that. There were so many times when Susan really thought my death was a better option - because I wasn't there. I don’t even understand it sometimes. We had a great 103 days in 2010. I’m grateful for those days. I’m grateful she’s going to have a new life. I’m grateful for 104 clean.
I'm going to miss her so much. For years I have imagined the day she left San Francisco and the possiblity I wouldn't be going with her. It's now going to be reality. I could have never imagined the circumstancest to be as they are. I don't look forward her leaving, but it really needs to happen. I have to live day by day but I kind of want it to be over. I'll still miss her.
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me
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