Hold On

7-12-2012 Okay, so I guess I found one of those blogs I lost.  I guess it's out of order.  So am I!  Space-Time.  It was on blogspot all along.  I never thought to look there!  I do know I lost that other one.  It kind of has to be rewritten.  I'll try to write it today.

(6-17-2012 - I have exactly 3 months clean today)

I kind of don't feel like writing this blog.  I guess I will.  I so badly want to get caught up so that my blogs get posted as I write them.  I am writing current ones and transcribing old ones at the same time.  It's so confusing to keep track of it all.  At least this one is being typed on blog spot so that all have to do is post it when it's time comes.  There has been value in being able to go back and retype something I wrote a couple of months ago, but I'd still rather it be current.

I've been talking about how I have had so much going on because I have.  What I won't write about is really hard.  However, my daily existence is also hard.  I feel like I'm being bullied.  I was fortunate enough that I never had to deal with that type of thing when I was young.  I assure you, I'm not afraid of these bullies, It's just not in my nature to be confrontational with people.

In fact, I find myself avoiding CityTeam and my room I sleep whenever possible.  I said in a previous blog, I got there to sleep and I keep quiet.  It's was a little tense, but I was grateful to at least be sleeping in a bed.  I have not slept in a bed for over a year.  The cot beat this sidewalk.  I have always slept better with a fan on at night.  I asked one of the guys if it was okay and he said yeah.

I started noticing the fan was not on in the middle of the night.  I assumed it was just coming unplugged.  It was.  I don't even really want to talk about this, but I kind of want to straighten all out in my head and writing sometimes helps me.  I don't want to gossip about people.  I do need to vent.  I don't care what other people do, but when you disrespect me or do things without acting like an adult - I have trouble with this.  Tell me, "I can't sleep with the fan on."  I'm sure I'll respect that.

The fan was actually helping me drown out two of my roommates talking and hour past lights out.  I never once complained.  I simply put my head by the fan.  We are right over the street also.  Sixth street is loud at night.  When the fan is off, I really can't sleep.  I'll live without the fan.  It's the attitudes I can't handle.

Thursday, I was in a hurry to get to a group I needed to facilitate.  My life is really crazy right now and I do a lot for CityTeam.  In my haste, I forgot to clean out the sink after I brushed my teeth.  My roommate, who I have always liked said to me, "This isn't the Hyatt, we don't get room service here!"  I didn't say a word.   I just cleaned it up.  His attitude about it did kind of bother me.  I can handle being held accountable, it was the tone in which it was done that bothered me.

  

A couple of hours later, I was on the bus and ran into a friend of mine who lives in the same hotel and a graduate of CityTeam who still lives there.  The graduate asked what room I was in and he said, "Oh yeah, I heard someone was leaving spit in the sink."  It didn't even really occur to me just then, but apparently word about me had already gotten around.  The thing is, I was showering at Susans while she was out of town for ten days.  I was also running with Phil and taking care of my cats  for her in the morning and evening.   I knew it couldn't have been me that much, so I just assumed it was someone else.  It was later I kind of realized, "Man, that sure didn't take long"

 

I didn't want to have any resentments about his guy I like and I knew he had been feeling sick, so the next morning, I simply said, "Hey I'm sorry about the toothpaste, I was in a hurry..."  He chimed in and said, "IT'S OVER!"  I just don't get it.

He went on to tell me how the fan was bothering people - Not him.  He said he didn't want to be in the middle of it.  I didn't need him to be.  I don't want issues with anyone.  I knew who it bothered.  The same  guy who is bothered by everything I do and likes to tell me to shut up all the time when I'm not even talking to him.  So, I went to him and said, "Is the fan bothering you?"  He replied, "You talk all night!"  That's the most rediculous thing I had heard in a while, so I said something I wasn't planning on saying.  I said, "You guys talk all night!"  Then, he covered his ears like a five year old who didn't want to hear what I was saying.

It was my other roommate who got mad and said. "What do you mean we talk all night."  I said, "The other night, you guys were talking while I was trying to sleep and I didn't say or word and didn't plan to either."  It wasn't even really about that for me.  It did bother me, I will admit, but I simply used my fan to drown it out.  My one roommate said, "We only talked until 11:00."  Whatever. I think the only reason I said "all night" is because the roommate who doesn't like me said, "all night".  It all confuses me.

My roommate was so mad that I said, "all night" that that is all he seemed to focus on.  He said, "I'm seeing a different side of you.  Maybe you need to move back downstairs."  I'll move anywhere.  And that sucks.

After all this, I had to drive to the foodbank.  The guy who use to live in that room just happened to be the guy picked to go with me.  He is kind of like me - not all there.  He kind of got bullied also.  He got moved.  I don't know what to do now.  

I am currently back up at Camp MayMac in the Santa Cruz Mountains.  The timing for this escape couldn't have been better.  The two guys from CityTeam who are here with me are both awesome.  One of them is the young man who told me he get's mad when people call me tweaker, we'll call him "The King".  The other is a really laid back new guy from Jacksonville with a great southern accent.  We'll call him Ronnie Van Zant.  (He calls me Dave Mustaine!  Much better than tweaker!)  I feel like I'm hanging out with old friends.

I go back tonight.  I'm not looking forward to it, but I plan on going to my room at 10:00 o'clock, putting in my earplugs and going to sleep.  

I talked to a couple of people about all the troubles I've been having with a select few people at CityTeam.  The guy who helps guide me in my 12 step program said, "some of it we just have to endure".  I do know that.  One guy just happened to share at a meeting I was attending how he didn't have to hang around people if he didn't like them.  I don't have this luxury.  One of my other friends, the guy on the bus, I'll call him Sanity, told me a story of how a girl he knows stays clean by eating cookies at three o'clock in the morning - because she can.  I do think these events will strengthen my resolve to get through all this without ever having to start over. Perhaps I should thank the guys who are making things hard on me.  I do pray for them.

After the other mornings event (there seems to be something different every day),  I had to drive to the Food Bank and some other places to pick up donations.  LA Surfer guy was with me.  He asked to be moved out of that room for the same reasons just a few weeks ago.  I got to move into his place.  I don't like to talk about people, but I did share with him what was going on and he understood.  It's hard for both of us.  He minimizes time he spends at CityTeam also.  I don't think there is much wrong with that.  I do a lot there during program hours and then I leave.  I sometimes hang out with my friends from CityTeam.  A lot of times I hang out at Brainwash by myself.  I also have some friends I've met over the years I'm hanging out with.  

It is a good program, but I'm glad I'm starting to have an outside life.  Ultimately, that is going to be important for my staying clean beyond CityTeam.  I can see why Zack Attack left.  Oh yeah, he was also in that room, but I have no idea if this had anything to do with him leaving.  CityTeam is just a tough place to be.  Still, I need to finish it.  I must complete the program.   A lot of the new guys count on me and that's very important to me.  That said, I look forward to the day I can live by myself.  I think I'll live on boat.  There I go drifting off again.

I really do hope things get resolved with me and the one guy.  I don't think there is much hope for me and the other guy.  I'm fine with simply avoiding coversation with him.  I'd also be happy to resolve it with him.  It's all so rediculous.  I don't want this to be thought of is gossip.  I'm really just trying to be honest about events of life so something bigger may show through as it has in the past.  It may have my emotional twist on it, but it's just facts as they occur.  I'm okay with the way I treat people. If anyone from CityTeam reads this, it's fine with me.   I do really care about my roommates.  I have been praying for them. 

While the guy from LA and I were driving around in horrible, downtown - construction enhanced morning San Francisco Traffic (which I love to do by the way.  You know it' bad when California road rage beats the "appreciation" I got for cooking breakfast and lunch), this song came on.

 

Bless my heart.
Bless my soul.
Didn't think I'd make it to 22yrs old.
There must be someone up above sayin' "Come on Brittany, you got to come on up."
"You got to Hold on..."

So, bless my heart and bless yours too.
I don;'t know where I'm gonna go don't what what I'm gonna do.
Must be somebody up above sayin' "Come on Brittany, You got to come on up!"
"You got to hold on..."

YEAH! YOU GOT TO WAIT!
YEAH! YOU GOT TO WAIT!
BUT, I DON'T WANNA WAIT!
I DON'T WANNA WAIT...

So, bless my heart.
Bless my mind.
I got so much to do, I ain't got much time
So, must be someone up above saying "Come on girl! You got to get back up!!"
"You got to hold on..."

"YEAH! YOU GOT TO WAIT!"
I DON'T WANNA WAIT!
WELL, I DON'T WANNA WAIT!
NO, I DON'T WANNA WAIT!

"You got to hold on..."