Faith

Rudy and I made up a long time ago, but I still had to be in the office today.  Basically it turned into "I was not around enough" and "I talk too much" and "I can't have my computer or my camera or my bike".  

I told them I may leave the program.  I told them they were wrong to take those things.  Those things actually give me something to feel good about myself for.  People tell me this blog helps them.  They don't get it.  

Rules are rules.  I do get that. I do more for CityTeam than most people there.  Including work on the computer and ph0tography.  It's just tiring to explain. 

I am now the full time driver and I am the Lead three nights a week.  Other peoples job is for instance Lead 2 nights a week.  That's all.  Driving is really demanding.  Then there is the program I work.  I also facilitate about 4 or 5 groups.  Most of guys there talk to me and care about me a lot and they are not annoyed with me.  

It is the very few who talk to much themselves about nothing who constantly give me shit about it.  The truth is, I don't even really talk that much anymore.  I did a lot in the beginning.  I needed an outlet.  This is it - not CityTeam.

The people who say I talk to much just wont' let go of something to give me shit about.  Even "Mr Ed" the staff guy.  It's really him.  He's the one who pretty much likes to say I talk to much.  He loves to be sarcastic all the time when I am being serious.  I just don' get it.  He said, "When everyone your with and 140 kids say you talk to much you need to look at that."  No Mr Ed, you need to look at that.   Those kids loved talking to me.  It was ONLY Rudy.  Yeah, listen to him.  John told me "the three guys".  That wasn't even true.

When I repeated to Mr. Ed that, "not all those people said that" he said, "I never said that".  He did.  In the office.  

So I had a chance to point blank in the office ask Surfer Dude and The King.  Did I talk to much?  Did I bother you?  Did you go to John about it?  "No."  I'm so tired.

I will shut up.  I promise.  I already do and people always say, "What's up man?"  Can I answer?  I was told to quit playing the victim role.  Then leave me alone when I'm trying to be nice or help someone and it requires I speak.

I've been through a lot.  I needed somewhere get this out.  CityTeam is not that place.  I will make it through this and be stronger for it.  When I use to shoot speed, I wouldn't talk for days.  Susan would get so mad.  She'd say, "Say something!" or "Answer me"  I was so stuck in my head.  That's what I really do this for and why I also talk a lot.  

I'll probably run 20 miles a day now - if that's okay!

Sorry everyone.  Thank you.  I'll miss a lot of you.  I'm told I can use the computer at the library.  Thanks.  I probably will.

Pain, come no more
Don't you come knockin' on my door
Love, dry your tears
You have lived a life way beyond your years (TRUE!) 
And faith, when you're gone
All my demons and my devils
They do me wrong
And faith, you let your light shine through
Let a ray of hope surround me
Just don't think I can make it without you
Hey faith, don't let me down
Let me know when I come back
She'll be around
'Cause I've been burned, a time or two
If she left me Lord, I don't know what I'd do
And faith, when you're gone
All my demons and my devils they
Do me oh so wrong
And faith, you let your light shine through
You let a ray of hope surround me
Just don't think I can make it without you
In the morning you know
I wake up with the dawn
Everyday, there's a way
You know I got to carry on
To know the way
And take the road of right and wrong
And keep faith in my heart
Just keep faith in your heart
Pain, come no more
Don't you come knockin' on my door
Love, please be strong
'Cause I need the peace of mind
To carry on
And faith, when you're gone
All my devils, all my demons,
You know, they do me wrong
And faith, you let your light shine true
You let a ray of hope surround me
You came back home and found me
Searching for the love I never knew