Firework

Is it ironic that I lost the blog in which I wrote about how I know I've really lost Susan?  I keep losing things.  Losing Susan put's thing like my keys, my wallet, my iPod, and my GA all in perspective I guess.  It's not that I didn't know I had lost her before, but I will admit, my heart did try to hold on.  This is best for both of us.

Susan is such an amazing person.  She really is.  I'll always love her.  I'm glad she's going to get so many things she deserves in life.  It shouldn't have been the way it is, but my addiction kind of made it this way.  I've also said it a lot.  As hard as it has been for me at times,  I think it is God's will for us both.

Susan always wanted a husband who did things like went shopping with her.  She wanted a house.  She wanted to live in Cincinnati.  She wanted to adopt kids, because her heart was in the right place.  She was so good to me.  She tried so hard to help me be the one who would be with her.  I wanted to but I couldn't stop using.  She had to throw me out and stand strong in that decision.  It was so hard for both of us, but it ended up saving my life - again.

I want the world to know that Susan is one of the most amazing human beings there is.  I don't want to talk about her beliefs anymore.  Whatever reason Susan does the things she does - seems to be the right ones.  I really respect her and I really struggle with losing her and all the ways I hurt her.

The Universe really cares about her.  Things have happened for her "coincidentally" enough that is going to help her both move to Cincinnati and buy a home there.  Susan was supposed to move on the 27th.  However, she got an award for being one the top 40 people in the entire country in her field for people under 40.  She is being flown to Savannah Georgia to accept it.

That woman loved me, cared for me, saved my life, worked, got her masters degree and kept her head together throughout my insanity.  Evil decided to go after her.  The voices told me this would happen with their own evil twist.   There is nothing evil about Susan.  Whether she knows it or not, that ordeal she went through where she got so strong defeated evil for her.   She truly is amazing.

Ironically, I am nearing the longest time I have ever had clean since my mother died when I was 12 - four months.  Susan is nearly four months pregnant.  Susan will make a great mother.  I know this because she was mine in many ways.  It wasn't supposed to be that way. 

I don't want to get to personal for her, but there was about a .1% chance of this happening.  I believe things like this don't happen by accident.  She never wanted to actually have kids for many of her own personal reasons and because she felt there were too many kids in this world who needed a home.  God knows her heart was in the right place.  Years ago, she even considered making it possible for her to have one of my kids so when I died, a part of me could be with her.  She really loved me.   She use to wonder who would be with her when I died because we both believed that would be the ultimate outcome.  I didn't want this time writing this blog to be emotional.  I don't like these feelings but I learning to feel them.

I'm actually grateful Susan is also re-married. I met her new husband last Friday.  He seems like a good man.  He is not an addict!  Thank God.  He has been one of Tim's friends since high school so I have a lot of faith in this person because I know Tim is a good person.   I am also a pretty good quick judge of character.  He's a safer bet than me!

Our biggest concern  for each other is each other.  I should know by now she'll be fine.  So will I.  If you happen to ever read this Sus, thank you for everything.  Have fun at Riverfest!   I'll miss you Sus.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards,
One blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, Oh, Oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon