"San Francisco is 49 square miles surrounded by reality"
-Paul Kantner, Jefferson Airplane
I have so many things I could write about. It was a very eventful weekend. It was so surreal. Wow. It still feels kind of dreamy. It was reality. The reality I have imagined for years. It was nothing like I imagined. It was actually all pretty good. Thanks to so many. I'm so needy.
San Francisco was no less surreal for the event than my weekend felt. I wish I had time to take photos of this city yesterday. The outer lying hills were covered in a fog blanket. I love when the fog does that here. It looks so amazing. It's surreal. It wraps tightly over the turane - like a blanket. It's just beautiful.
When we were driving down to our storage unit, Sam Malone rode with Susan and The King rode with me. We hit this huge bump getting on 280 which caused us to fly out of our seats. You kind of start to speed up as 6th street turns into the freeway, but the last main road it crosses is of course higher in the middle for rain run off so it's like a roller coaster. Not that I realized that - this time. I always forget about that one because it's in a very flat area of town. Susan loved some of the "losing your stomach" hills in San Francisco. She always use to say "speed up" at these spots on Gough Street. She'd laugh so hard. She always said, "I'm easy to please." It's me who's so damn complicated. It's good to laugh.
I was telling the King how I didn't know how Susan could stand to leave this beautiful city. I told him I have been to every major city in this country and while there are some cool ones, nothing compares to this city. I told him about our first days at the U Haul eleven years ago. I told him as we were heading to unload my stuff how Susan was wearing her hippie dress, we had Willie and we were just so full of hope. As we were driving on the top deck of I-280 this amazing view of that fog blanket rolling over San Bruno Mountain was right in front of us. I said, "Look at that. Isn't this city so amazing?" Then this song came on the radio and The King looked at me and said, "Is this song called San Francisco?"
The Universe just seems to unfold that way sometimes. It was an emotional moment for me and I had to fight back tears with The King in the van with me. I do want these hard feelings. It beats feeling nothing at all like I use to try to do.
I think it was Gina who said to me the other day to "just think what it would be like if you weren't clean!" Wow. Not even imaginable. She really had a good point. I am so grateful to have been clean for 4 1/2 months so I could now know how much I really do love Susan and be able to help as much as I have.
I am so grateful to so many. CityTeam has really helped me. Letting me borrow their van was a big help. All the guys have been very supportive. Some really respect me. One said, "You're a bigger man than me, I would have sabotaged the whole thing!" Many offered to kidnap Phil. Leonard Sizmore was really sad when Phil was finally gone. Sam Malone brought rope so we could tie the mattress to the roof of the van (it was very Sanford and Son - just like old times) and told Susan, "I'm sorry Susan, but were keeping you here" as he held the rope in his hand. Some of the guys really like Susan. She's very likable.
I was telling the guys at CityTeam how one of my friends (Sleepless) told me a while back that "everyone loves you." I told them how I told her, "You've never been to CityTeam!" They quickly said, "We love you!" They do. In fact those who didn't for the most part are no longer with the program. And, I was (and still am to some degree) a tweaked out mess. Love matters. I wish everyone always knew that. It is what it is.
I couldn't have done this without CityTeam - especially Sam Malone and The King. It wasn't just their moving expertise and help - it was their friendship. They are both my roommates now. (I lost the blog where I explained how I got moved back into room 3 again. It wasn't anyone having a problem with me this time. I love the King and Sam Malone. We also have a new roommate - Georgia. He's a very nice man. Very quiet. The best part is that I get to enjoy having Blue Balls in the room again!)
I was telling the guys at CityTeam how one of my friends (Sleepless) told me a while back that "everyone loves you." I told them how I told her, "You've never been to CityTeam!" They quickly said, "We love you!" They do. In fact those who didn't for the most part are no longer with the program. And, I was (and still am to some degree) a tweaked out mess. Love matters. I wish everyone always knew that. It is what it is.
I couldn't have done this without CityTeam - especially Sam Malone and The King. It wasn't just their moving expertise and help - it was their friendship. They are both my roommates now. (I lost the blog where I explained how I got moved back into room 3 again. It wasn't anyone having a problem with me this time. I love the King and Sam Malone. We also have a new roommate - Georgia. He's a very nice man. Very quiet. The best part is that I get to enjoy having Blue Balls in the room again!)
Having those two help me meant a lot to me. In the short time I have known them, I have gotten really close to them and I care about them both. I can't even express my gratitude. Even Susan said she felt likes she's known them forever. She said it was as if she knew Sam Malone in a past life or something. How is such a thing possible in this Godless Universe Sus? Let go Dave!
They just made it an easier day. Sam Malone's Boston accent was just cracking us up so many times! He kept calling pieces of our furniture Bureau's or something like that in his thick Boston accent. We were like, "What are saying???" It was so funny sometimes. I love Boston accents!
Every time I laugh I start to cry. I'm so messed up right now. I just got into the fridge and it hurt. Seeing all of the food Susan left. All vegetarian. Mostly healthy. I'm going to take it to CityTeam tomorrow. Not that anyone there eats that way! I'm finishing up emptying this place and cleaning it up. It just doesn't feel real.
Speaking of laughing, Susan and Sleepless were cracking me up yesterday. They knew each other years ago before I knew either of them. Sleepless said, "Tell Susan hello and that I would like to talk to her." So I said, "Susan said, 'Fuck that Bitch'". (I need to work on my bad language but I couldn't resist yesterdays opportunity.) She didn't really say that.
Sleepless said to tell her, "I really just want to kick her ass for stealing you 25 years ago". Susan first said, "Really?!" Then I told her what I had said. Susan said, "She should thank me!" She's got a good point there! But then Susan said, "She can have you now that I fixed you!" Sounds good to me! Susan is such a fixer.
I'm just glad we can all laugh about it. Loveland produced some great people. It really did. The land of Love. Love is important to me. I even had a Grandma named - Grandma Love. Could there be a more appropriate name for a Grandma? She really fit the bill too.
 |
| Grandma Love at my parents house in where else? Loveland. |
On our last trip to my storage unit today (I put this photo on this blog yesterday), there was a California license plate that said, "Mrs. Love" on it. My camera battery was dead, but the king had this little MP3 music player with a camera on it and tried to photograph it, but not sure if it worked. If it did, I'll put it on here some time. Everyone called my grandma Ms. Love. Close enough.
I have so many old friends from Loveland supporting me. I hope I'm helping them too. It's kind of cool. I got this message from my old friend Nicole. She gave me permission to write what she wrote me. She said, "Dave that's your blog write anything you want!" Will do Nicole. Thanks:
Hello Dave I hope your having a great day! Just wanted to let you know I had a dream about you last night I'm not sure where it came from or why but Marty was with us lol we all 3 were riding a bike and it was beautiful we were surrounded by snowy mountain tops and we all 3 were laughing you and Marty looked exactly the same as in high school! But we all 3 were so happy anyway it was a great dream you looked at peace! Not sure why I had it nor remember it I hardly ever do that but maybe God was trying to tell me your gonna be fine and get through this! Your in my prayers! Have a good one!
I like riding a bike and snowy mountains. Hey, come to think of it, it was foggy mountain tops that had the King and I memorized yesterday! And we were laughing! Wow. That message was early this morning on a hard day (It's now Tuesday - the day I close this empty apartment up for good.) A day when I needed to smile. Ironically enough, I posted that photo with Marty in the background yesterday. The universe seems to be in tune.
Speaking of being in tune, I also have a friend I'll call "Radio". (Haven't asked her permission to talk about her, but I like calling her Radio.) We were never that close years ago, but we seem to have a lot in common and have become friends online. We kind of chose the same career path for a while. I respect her. She has said so many kind and supportive things for a while, but I'll put the last couple of things she said:
"Makes total sense. Your brutal honesty is probably helping more people than you know!" and "Do whatever makes you stay sober. Safe driving today!" Seriously!
I backed into a car late Sunday night. I was so tired. I had dropped Susan off at the San Francisco Airport after moving all weekend and sleeping maybe six hours all weekend. I also picked Trudy, Sister Theresa and her daughters up at the same time. I had to drive Trudy to the Oakland Airport to pick up her car. I had dropped Sister Theresa and her kids off there Saturday morning and we met Trudy who lives in the East Bay and she drove, so her car was at the Oakland airport. SFO and OAK are right across the bay from each other. You can see one from the other. However, you have to go through San Francisco, over the Bay Bridge and through Oakland to get from SFO to OAK, so it's probably about 30 miles.
Okay, I had to look it up. It's 31.8 miles if go north and use the Bay Bridge and 31.6 miles if you go south and use the San Mateo bridge. I'm glad I know that. Nerd. We took the long way, but we had to drop Sister Theresa and her daughters off in San Francisco so I guess it's okay we didn't use the most efficient route this time. Actually, for .2 miles, I'd choose the more scenic route everyday. They're both pretty scenic. Traffic sucks both ways. Whatever!
Trudy could see how tired I was. She said, "Don't fall asleep while driving back!" I wouldn't. I can't even sleep when I am tired. I can back into a car though! It was an accident.
I was glad to have picked them up after dropping Susan off. It helped me focus on something besides dropping Susan off at that airport. Trudy and I talked about the dynamic of the house. I felt useful. We talked about Rudy and how his daughter picked him up when he was asked to leave. We both agreed he could probably use some time on the street. Man, Trudy and I are ruthless!
Before picking Trudy up, Susan and I were waiting in the cell phone parking lot for her call. The traffic at SFO was a nightmare. The cops run you off right away if you sit for even a minute. Cars are blocking lanes and are honking their horns. Surreal to me. All this on a late Sunday night.
The cell phone lot is right next to these huge jet hangers with huge neon signs that say United on them. The parking lot we sat and talked in together was on the north end of a North-South runway so all the Jumbo Jets take off from it to fly to the other side of the world. They were so low and loud and creating whirlwinds in the fog. Their lights were reflecting in and out of the fog. It was just so surreal. It actually felt like it's almost over. It just didn't feel real. It still doesn't.
CityTeam had a picnic yesterday. We played volleyball at the Berkeley Marina. It was a beautiful day. I finally got to play volleyball. The Perv's ribs are almost healed. Enough to play hard again. I like to work hard and play hard. It was great timing. I needed to play.
Sleepless was so kind to me yesterday. She said those nice little phrases to me like, "Your doing so good." And "I'M PROUD OF YOU." I don't know why I need so much encouragement, but it helps - especially coming from her. It just builds my faith in people. People matter to me. Sleepless is just a really nice person. She told me, "I like being Sleepless." I hoped so. I have no idea what reality is, but I like talking to her when I can. The fact that she's beautiful doesn't hurt. She's so much more too.
Mr. Ed said to me yesterday, "If you get another girl friend we're all going to kill you." He meant it in a loving way. They know I've got issues. Sleepless is a good thing for me though - whatever she is. As much as I want her near, I know it's best she's not for now. I want to see her someday! When it comes down to it, I always need to hope and pray for God's will for everyone. I don't always know what that is. I just keep trying to do the next right thing and care about people. Sleepless has certainly captured my heart. Thanks. It has been a very nice distraction during this tough loss. I know this blog is all over the place because so is my head. It's a hard day.
Losing Susan has been so hard. I was apologizing to Gina for being such a baby about it. She said to me last night, "you're not a baby....thats a hard thing....seriously, I really can't fathom it. Good byes are hard but your case is just HARD!" Gina is nice. Not sure Susan and her will ever get a chance to meet. Susan just hates my girls! Actually Susan has thanked Gina many times for being my friend. Gina is really a good friend. I think we're going to take photos this weekend. I hope so.
Gina has this awesome cow photo she wanted to give to Susan. Gina is Vegan. She's more hardcore than Susan when it comes to animals! She's also very healthy.
Gina has become this awesome photographer! I remember when she met me at my booth about seven years ago with her little point and shoot camera. She must have still been in high school! (Just kidding Gina!). She has come a long way. She was already on her way back then, but, I hope I inspired her in some way!
My past few days have been so hard. So many songs have come on at that the right time in all my time driving! Yesterday I was taking Mother Theresa to Vallejo to visit Padre and that U2 song, You've got the Music in You was on. It's about not giving up and helping people - just what I was doing. Every time I help people I feel really good! Even if I'm tired or sad or depressed. It's just good to get out of myself! I thought that song might be the last song in this blog. Today, I heard that Christina Perry A Thousand Years song on my last trip to the U Haul and thought of Susan. The lyrics to a song once again had me fighting back tears with The King in the car on the way my storage unit. "I have loved you for a thousand years, I will love you for a thousand more" . The King just looked at me and said, "A thousand years?" I said, "yep."
In the middle of yet another Sleepless night I heard Love Bites by Def Leppard and Open Arms by Journey and thought of you know who. I won't get in to all those lyrics! I wish I could at least hug her.
Years ago, I had given up once again and Susan went out and bought me Journeys greatest hits. It of course has Don't Stop Believing on it. On my way back from the hospital in Vallejo, that song came on. It's like I told Sleepless, I have to keep this blog organic. I'm just overwhelmed with feelings and short on time and so many songs ring true out there. I thought Don't stop Believing applied to all of us. We'll be okay Sus. I know it's hard on you too. I'll always love you. I know you'll be happy and that makes me happy.
For years the universe seems to have found a way to communicate with me. It started with street likes blinking on and off as I walked down the streets - lost. I used to suspect someone was trying to tell me something. Then came the "the voices". They told me everything! Then there was always people. People. It's mostly people today.
Once again, Sleepless said to me today (I think it was today - it's all becoming a blur), "You are so loved". I don't know why. She is so sweet. I know I'm not the only one who has hard days in this world. I care about you a lot today Sleepless. I'm not alone in this universe when I say that. I promise you, YOU are so loved everyday, but especially today. You seem to be another living angel to this world. Don't stop believin'.
Hello Dave I hope your having a great day! Just wanted to let you know I had a dream about you last night I'm not sure where it came from or why but Marty was with us lol we all 3 were riding a bike and it was beautiful we were surrounded by snowy mountain tops and we all 3 were laughing you and Marty looked exactly the same as in high school! But we all 3 were so happy anyway it was a great dream you looked at peace! Not sure why I had it nor remember it I hardly ever do that but maybe God was trying to tell me your gonna be fine and get through this! Your in my prayers! Have a good one!
I like riding a bike and snowy mountains. Hey, come to think of it, it was foggy mountain tops that had the King and I memorized yesterday! And we were laughing! Wow. That message was early this morning on a hard day (It's now Tuesday - the day I close this empty apartment up for good.) A day when I needed to smile. Ironically enough, I posted that photo with Marty in the background yesterday. The universe seems to be in tune.
Speaking of being in tune, I also have a friend I'll call "Radio". (Haven't asked her permission to talk about her, but I like calling her Radio.) We were never that close years ago, but we seem to have a lot in common and have become friends online. We kind of chose the same career path for a while. I respect her. She has said so many kind and supportive things for a while, but I'll put the last couple of things she said:
"Makes total sense. Your brutal honesty is probably helping more people than you know!" and "Do whatever makes you stay sober. Safe driving today!" Seriously!
I backed into a car late Sunday night. I was so tired. I had dropped Susan off at the San Francisco Airport after moving all weekend and sleeping maybe six hours all weekend. I also picked Trudy, Sister Theresa and her daughters up at the same time. I had to drive Trudy to the Oakland Airport to pick up her car. I had dropped Sister Theresa and her kids off there Saturday morning and we met Trudy who lives in the East Bay and she drove, so her car was at the Oakland airport. SFO and OAK are right across the bay from each other. You can see one from the other. However, you have to go through San Francisco, over the Bay Bridge and through Oakland to get from SFO to OAK, so it's probably about 30 miles.
Okay, I had to look it up. It's 31.8 miles if go north and use the Bay Bridge and 31.6 miles if you go south and use the San Mateo bridge. I'm glad I know that. Nerd. We took the long way, but we had to drop Sister Theresa and her daughters off in San Francisco so I guess it's okay we didn't use the most efficient route this time. Actually, for .2 miles, I'd choose the more scenic route everyday. They're both pretty scenic. Traffic sucks both ways. Whatever!
Trudy could see how tired I was. She said, "Don't fall asleep while driving back!" I wouldn't. I can't even sleep when I am tired. I can back into a car though! It was an accident.
I was glad to have picked them up after dropping Susan off. It helped me focus on something besides dropping Susan off at that airport. Trudy and I talked about the dynamic of the house. I felt useful. We talked about Rudy and how his daughter picked him up when he was asked to leave. We both agreed he could probably use some time on the street. Man, Trudy and I are ruthless!
Before picking Trudy up, Susan and I were waiting in the cell phone parking lot for her call. The traffic at SFO was a nightmare. The cops run you off right away if you sit for even a minute. Cars are blocking lanes and are honking their horns. Surreal to me. All this on a late Sunday night.
The cell phone lot is right next to these huge jet hangers with huge neon signs that say United on them. The parking lot we sat and talked in together was on the north end of a North-South runway so all the Jumbo Jets take off from it to fly to the other side of the world. They were so low and loud and creating whirlwinds in the fog. Their lights were reflecting in and out of the fog. It was just so surreal. It actually felt like it's almost over. It just didn't feel real. It still doesn't.
CityTeam had a picnic yesterday. We played volleyball at the Berkeley Marina. It was a beautiful day. I finally got to play volleyball. The Perv's ribs are almost healed. Enough to play hard again. I like to work hard and play hard. It was great timing. I needed to play.
 | |
| Sleepless told me I looked hot! She's to kind to me. My working out is kind of about stress relief but I'm glad to be in good shape I guess. That's not completely true. Who doesn't want to look good? I'll certainly keep doing what I'm doing if Sleepless feels that way! :) |
Mr. Ed said to me yesterday, "If you get another girl friend we're all going to kill you." He meant it in a loving way. They know I've got issues. Sleepless is a good thing for me though - whatever she is. As much as I want her near, I know it's best she's not for now. I want to see her someday! When it comes down to it, I always need to hope and pray for God's will for everyone. I don't always know what that is. I just keep trying to do the next right thing and care about people. Sleepless has certainly captured my heart. Thanks. It has been a very nice distraction during this tough loss. I know this blog is all over the place because so is my head. It's a hard day.
Losing Susan has been so hard. I was apologizing to Gina for being such a baby about it. She said to me last night, "you're not a baby....thats a hard thing....seriously, I really can't fathom it. Good byes are hard but your case is just HARD!" Gina is nice. Not sure Susan and her will ever get a chance to meet. Susan just hates my girls! Actually Susan has thanked Gina many times for being my friend. Gina is really a good friend. I think we're going to take photos this weekend. I hope so.
Gina has this awesome cow photo she wanted to give to Susan. Gina is Vegan. She's more hardcore than Susan when it comes to animals! She's also very healthy.
Gina has become this awesome photographer! I remember when she met me at my booth about seven years ago with her little point and shoot camera. She must have still been in high school! (Just kidding Gina!). She has come a long way. She was already on her way back then, but, I hope I inspired her in some way!
My past few days have been so hard. So many songs have come on at that the right time in all my time driving! Yesterday I was taking Mother Theresa to Vallejo to visit Padre and that U2 song, You've got the Music in You was on. It's about not giving up and helping people - just what I was doing. Every time I help people I feel really good! Even if I'm tired or sad or depressed. It's just good to get out of myself! I thought that song might be the last song in this blog. Today, I heard that Christina Perry A Thousand Years song on my last trip to the U Haul and thought of Susan. The lyrics to a song once again had me fighting back tears with The King in the car on the way my storage unit. "I have loved you for a thousand years, I will love you for a thousand more" . The King just looked at me and said, "A thousand years?" I said, "yep."
In the middle of yet another Sleepless night I heard Love Bites by Def Leppard and Open Arms by Journey and thought of you know who. I won't get in to all those lyrics! I wish I could at least hug her.
Years ago, I had given up once again and Susan went out and bought me Journeys greatest hits. It of course has Don't Stop Believing on it. On my way back from the hospital in Vallejo, that song came on. It's like I told Sleepless, I have to keep this blog organic. I'm just overwhelmed with feelings and short on time and so many songs ring true out there. I thought Don't stop Believing applied to all of us. We'll be okay Sus. I know it's hard on you too. I'll always love you. I know you'll be happy and that makes me happy.
For years the universe seems to have found a way to communicate with me. It started with street likes blinking on and off as I walked down the streets - lost. I used to suspect someone was trying to tell me something. Then came the "the voices". They told me everything! Then there was always people. People. It's mostly people today.
Once again, Sleepless said to me today (I think it was today - it's all becoming a blur), "You are so loved". I don't know why. She is so sweet. I know I'm not the only one who has hard days in this world. I care about you a lot today Sleepless. I'm not alone in this universe when I say that. I promise you, YOU are so loved everyday, but especially today. You seem to be another living angel to this world. Don't stop believin'.
Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere
A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night
Workin' hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win
Some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night
[Instrumental Interlude]
Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlights, people
Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Streetlights, people
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere
A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night
Workin' hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win
Some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night
[Instrumental Interlude]
Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlights, people
Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Streetlights, people
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