21 Guns

The theme of my day seems to have been God's Will and Surrender.  The timing was right.  It is so important that I continue to do these things.  I used to think I needed to figure out what God's will was and then make it happen - or something like that.  My will played a big part.  Letting go and surrendering has always been important. 

I had an awesome day!  Most of it is because I have managed to do God's will most of the time over the past 5 1/2 months and surrender everyday.  Now that I am "free",  my will has been coming back in one of my addictions - women.  It's not even about sex.  It's about intimacy.  It's not even all about women - it's about intimacy with anyone and it's about co-pendecny with everyone!  Including my readers.

Co-dendency is a hard one for me.  What's wrong with wanting to help people.  Especially when I hear and see living proof that what I am doing is helping people.  I know some people have made changes in their behavior and they have received good things in life as a result.  They tell me my blog helped them.  I know everyone has helped me.  Not just from this blog.  Just doing the next right thing seems to make a big difference.  God works through people.  People are beautiful. 

I was a co-dependent long before I was an addict.  After getting to a point where I just couldn't take not being able to change the ones I loved I guess I said, F it.  In some cases I guess it was , "If you can't help 'em, join 'em."  I don't think it was all that conscious though.

Being in a state of surrender and not chasing a skirt seems to help.  I didn't do this when I was married by the way.  I shot up crystal meth for sexual satisfaction instead.  Sometimes I ended up in sexual situations as a result.  Perhaps I knew this and thought being high was a good excuse for that behavior.  I don't know.  It was double wrong  I guess.  I don't ever want to do that again.  However - I'm single now.  So, perhaps it's okay without the drug.  This is what I want to believe.  Some day it may be.  I hope.

I need to stay focused on me and recovery.  My friend that I have been living with sometimes signed me up for an Adobe Photoshop class at Adobe headquarters in San Francisco.  It was very good for me.  I realized I use to "sleep" in a doorway right across the street.  I also had some very dark times underneath some of the maze of freeways around the area.  It messed me up pretty good yesterday being there, but I got over it.  Talk about PTSD.   The devil f'd me up.   It exhaust me mentally to recall those times so I'm not going to right now - things are too good!

This morning, I took a Tai Chi class at my new program.  It was really good.  It is very meditative and seems to be good for my physical health as well.  I certainly moved my body working muscles I never have before.  It is also supposed to help a person ward off an attacker.  Unfortunately, I may actually need that someday.  It's more defensive than offensive of course.  This is all I would really want out of martial arts.

Then I participated in my program.  We focused on what I mentioned before - co-dependency.  The instructor and others in my life have suggested I want to fix people now - including tweaker chick.  I kind of do.   Although I'm attracted to skinny little junkies, I could see that she would probably clean up nicely.  I know I did.

This blog is supposed to help people and it seems like it does.  Am I being co-dependent?  I don't think so.  I think I care about sharing my reality for God.  That's what it means to me.  It may not always seem that way - even to me.

Speaking of sharing my reality to God, I had lunch with my Pastor today.   He's not God, but he's a good pastor and a pretty cool person.  He reads my blog.  I'm not complimenting him because of that or the awesome Thai food he bought us either.  It beat eating at my program where I usual have lunch, which also feeds the needy.  I actually like their food.  The environment can be a little challenging.  Last week a woman punched the guy in line in front of me in the face - twice.  They both got kicked out!  Oh yeah, since I am in the program, I get a special gold ticket and don't have to wait in the really long line anymore.  For that, I will call my new program Willy Wonka's Recovery Factory!  Is it okay to give it a nickname?

My Pastor gave me a lot of good insight into me.  He's the one that pointed out my need for intimacy with "everyone!"  He is kind of right.  He suggested I try to be a little more guarded with "everything."  He said he knows people love that about me but that he worried about me.  He thinks I should choose a little more carefully those I choose to be intimate with.  He's probably right.   He asked how strong I was in my recovery.  I pretty much made it clear that in the drug department - I think I'm pretty good.  In the woman - not so good.  He made a good point about that however.  He said  "It's the decision before the decision before the decision...."  Why does he gotta be right about that?

We worked out at deal that will involve my church using my art in exchange for professional counseling in that area of my addiction.  How amazing is that.  My images are meant to be "Godly" sometimes and it seems The Universe has found a way to help me through this amazing church that cares so much about this city and all of it's downfalls.  This church puts so much time and effort into the brokenness of San Francisco and it's urban core. I am so grateful to be a part of it.  I am also going to have my images at an art show at a really cool art gallery at an event they are putting on in a couple of weeks.  I need to take some new photos.  My pastor is an art major so I got my work cut out for me!  This should only make me a better photographer I hope.  I hope I'm up for the challenge.  We know we'll use this one.

I always say this is my signature shot, because I've been in the corporate world and I've been in the gutter.

So meeting with him, it was kind of obvious I was struggling in that part of my addiction.  Sometimes, I like it to be about Dave's will - not God's.  I know that's wrong.  My Pastor posed one important question that I have not really considered lately, "What about your salvation?"  Can't I just make my own rules?  Probably not.

Being in a state of surrender and doing God's will has gotten me a long way.  I've even made it through a slip in one addiction without slipping in the other.  It was the lesser of two evils.  But like Jerry Garcia said, "Choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil."  

Even my pastor agreed that the area in which I have an issue can be a God given gift.  I think it falls somewhere between food addiction and drug addiction.  One has to eat but one never has to do drugs.  Sex seems to fall somewhere in between.

Letting go and letting God will put me right where I need to be - wherever and whatever that is.  I know that.  It has really gotten me a long way.  I have to be patient and trust in the process.  I must have faith and let go of my will. 

My Wednesday night recovery meeting is my favorite.  It is one designed for Deadheads, music lovers and concert goers.  We attend these events together for support.   The topic at the meeting - Gods will.  None of this is by accident of course.  

My next new favorite activity happens after that meeting - Band practice.  We sounded pretty good.   We plugged in tonight.  It was fun playing electric guitars and singing into a microphone.  We probably played about 20 songs, but have narrowed it down to about ten for next week.  We are playing , The Allman Brothers,  The Eagles, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Nirvana, The Rolling Stones, REM, Brian Adams, John Mayall & Eric Clapton, John Meloncamp and probably a few more I can't think of.  It's a lot of fun.  We'll probably add a base player and a drummer soon.  

All of these good things have occurred as a result of my letting go and doing the next right thing.  I  have to do these things everyday to stay clean. I must never forget that.  I wish I could have figured surrender out with Susan.   I wish we both somehow could have.  I knew that's what I had to do but would have to lose most everything to finally do so.  Perhaps the voices were right when they used to suggest that we weren't suppose to be together and that I was suppose to let her go.  Perhaps I had just done too much damage and created to much pain.  She ended up letting me go.  She "just couldn't do it anymore."  That may have saved my life.  We were both very co-dependent towards each other at times.  Her of course more so to to me in the last half of our relationship.  In the beginning, I tried to change her in some ways.   And when I was clean.  And when I was not.  Let go! 

I remember when the song, 21 Guns first came out.  It used to make me so sad.  They played it a lot here in San Fransisco as they do with all the hometown bands.  They probably played this one a lot everywhere.  It's a message everyone truly needs to hear.   I remember the two of us driving across the Bay Bridge one day and this song was on.  I remember being so sad as I looked out the window at our city.  I could see Coit Tower - where I proposed to Susan in 1995.  I just never wanted to let go of her.  Ultimately, I lost so many things - including her.  I messed up.  Despite all that, surrendering 5 1/2 months ago is the best thing I have ever done.  That and God's will.  I must never forget that.  That's why so many good things have happened to me lately.  Thank God.

 

Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I