Run Like Hell

I have got to gather myself together a lot more than I have been.  I don't even understand whats wrong with me.  This is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be and Sus and I haven't even said goodbye yet.  I'm just not sure why I do this to myself.  I keep trying to focus on something else and I can't.

I feel so ridiculous.  I hate this feeling.  I can't hide it either.  I'm trying.  I don't want to be around people but I'll have to be tonight.  I'm the lead.  I just want to run away.  I won't.  I want to.  I have nowhere to run anymore.  Nor do I want to.  It's all that running away that made this day reality anyway.

I messed up my head so bad over the years.  I could not concentrate on anything today and I had so many times where I needed to.  Maybe it was a normal day where I just could not get focused.  I felt so lost.  My mind wants to go blank.  My chest feels like it does just before I get high.  It has all day.  I hate it.  It wants that warm feeling to fill that empty sensation.  I won't.  I know that.  I just hate this feeling.  I'm so dramatic.  I want it to be over.

I have the worst headache and I am sore all over.  I can't focus.   I need to calm down.  My breathing has been so shallow.  Everyone ask me whats wrong and I can't talk about it.  I have to become fake about how I feel when I'm around people. 

I don't need to add anything to my emotions but I pretty much quit being emotional on January 29th 1984 and remained that way for the most part until I started shooting Crystal meth - I think that was sometime in November 2003.  I can't write about all this right now.  I would eventually be diagnosed PTSD for what happened to me in 2003.  It messed me up.  It changed everything.  It was my fault.  I can't say anymore.

I need to be strong.  I will be.  I will get through all this.  I feel so empty inside.  How am I gonna do this?  I'm being way to dramatic.  

I can't look it up right now because I just can't concentrate but today we talked about that story where Jesus calmed the sea on the boat and people were afraid and he said they should have faith.  That's what I understand, but I still don't like the way I feel.  I am afraid to call it fear.  Fear is not good.  I'm not really in touch with my feelings right now.

I'm so tired.  Physically and mentally and emotionally.  I'm waiting for Susan at the apartment.  I told her, "Lets make the last goodbye tonight please.  It's not that I don't want to see you, it's just we need to move on."  She agreed.  Her husband flies in tonight and they leave Friday.  I just want her to embrace her new situation without my dramatic emotional crap.  She's always been stronger than me.  That's wrong for her to have to be.

I don't even understand the way I'm feeling.  Overwhelmed.  I can't hide anything about my feelings.  I hate that.  This homeless guy who always seemed to know everything about what was going on with me and now encourages me every time I run by him - which is often just said to me, "You're not in pain are you?"  I wish I had the energy to explain more. 

There are so many things I could write about but just can't even really process my thinking in a way that will allow me to do anything more than spit out these nonsensicle feelings.  I just don't understand how I could feel this way.  Really.  I know have reasons to be physically tired and sore, but it just seems to be more than that.  I feel like I got hit by a truck.  I think I'm just making it worse by writing.  I'm going to run to the bay and back.  Should I put a song on this first?  Does it matter.  No.  Please don't worry.  I'll be okay.  I'll be stronger once I get through this and I will get through this.  Count on that.  I'm sorry I'm a basket case.  I better run.

Run, run, run, run [repeat line four times]
You better make your face up in
Your favourite disguise
With your button down lips and your
Roller blind eyes
With your empty smile
And your hungry heart
Feel the bile rising from your guilty past
With your nerves in tatters
As the cockleshell shatters
And the hammers batter
Down your door
You better run

Run, run, run, run [repeat line four times]
You better run all day
And run all night
And keep your dirty feelings
Deep inside. And if your
Takin' your girlfriend
Out tonight
You better park the car
Well out of sight
'Cos if they catch you in the back seat
Trying to pick her locks
They're gonna send you back to mother
In a cardboard box
You better run