Amazing Grace - Monkey Wrench

You know, I don't consider myself a Christian but The Bible never stops communicating with me at just the right time.  So does the Foo Fighters though.  It's really about God.  God is the one doing the communicating.  The Bible is an amazing, divinely inspired book.   I really believe in that book.  I have always struggled with organized religion.  Why?  People. 

I love people.  It's when they see thanselves as holier than now because of their religion is when I have issues.  The bible does say something about loving other believers first and I get that.  Christians do get a lot of greif from people - just watch Saturday Night Live.  SNL doesn't allow their clips on YouTube so I can't put it here, but this link actually allows for a little more about what I guess I'm writing about.

SNL - Jesus & Tim Tebow skit

That cracks me up.  I love how Televangelist Pat Robertson says, “If this had been a Muslim country and they had done that, and had Muhammad doing that stuff, you would have found bodies on the street.”  It's not that kind of a country Pat!  Thank GOD!  And Pat, what are you saying about Muslims?  They are not all that way.  Religion.

Please don't think I'm knocking Christians or Muslims - completely.  It's actually hard to be one.  It's hard to work so hard for God and be made fun of and persecuted.  I actually do admire Tim Tebow in a lot of ways for standing up for his beliefs despite his criticism.  I don't really understand why people think he so wrong sometimes.  If you don't want to hear what he's saying - don't listen.  I guess he is in a position that brings him attention that requires responsibility.  He seems to just be giving glory to God in the way he understands it.  Which side am I on here?  God's I hope!

I don't even really care that much about all this, but sometimes I just grab a hold of something.  Stop preaching Dave!  That's the last thing I want to do.  I talk about God all the time in this blog.  I like that you choose to read it.  Tell me I preach to you and I'll tell you  - Don't read it.  Not that preaching is all wrong.  I guess when it's sought after.  Susan use to tell me I preached to her. She needed it!  :)

I talked to one of my young Christian friends on Facebook today that had a big part in help saving my life.  I can't deny that there was something about what those kids believed in that made a difference in my life.  I told them I was struggling with going into a Christian program.  I told them, "I might be evil!"  I was assured by my young friend I was in fact, "Good."   They were like angels to me.  Many have been really.   My young friend is currently doing what she does so amazingly so - helping others in need in another big city!  Her and her friends are awesome.  She even took the time to message me a beautiful prayer on Facebook:

O Supreme Moving Cause,
May I always be subordinate to thee,
be dependent upon thee,
be found in the path where thou dost walk,
and where thy Spirit moves,
take heed of estrangement from thee,
of becoming insensible to thy love.
Thou dost not move men like stones,
but dost endue them with life,
not to enable them to move without thee,
but in submission to thee, the first mover.
O Lord, I am astonished at the difference
between my receivings and my deservings,
between the state I am now in and my past
gracelessness,
between the heaven I am bound for and
the hell I merit.
Who made me to differ, but thee?
for I was no more ready to receive Christ
than were others;
I could not have begun to love thee hadst thou not
first loved me,
or been willing unless thou hadst first made me so.
O that such a crown should fit the head of such
a sinner!

Amen.  Isn't she just a little angel?  I do love people.  Being in a Christian program saved my life.  It seems that Jesus character had a lot do with it.  It was always the few Jesus freaks I have encountered that I allowed to taint my view on Christianity.  That's wrong of me.  I just don't like when people speak of "being a good Christian".  As opposed to....?  Unfortunately, I guess they have a point.  Many get that we are all broken - even Christians.  Dare I say especially?  It was the few guys in the program who preached Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Yet their actions were anything but Christ-like.  If one thing bothers me, it's a hypocrite.  I have believed in God and been a sinner but I'm honest about it.  Actually, I always said for me to truly believe in God, my behavior had to be appropriate.  Christ-like I guess.  I think that still makes sense really.  Perhaps those "Jesus Freaks" were searching.  Stop preaching to me then.  I shouldn't let a few that are struggling have such an impact on my opinion.

I try to be one thing more than anything in this world.  Honest.  Because of my addiction, I couldn't always be that way.  Years of lies took a lot of time to overcome also.  The Truth really matters.  It can be hard.  I've said it before.  It seems The Truth set me free.  I made mistakes.  Big ones.  In hind sight, I would have done things diffently.  Mainly, not name the program I really felt deserved credit for saving my life.  It did.  I like to give people credit where credit is do.  I thought it might actually help them someday.  I get I may have been wrong in some ways.

I don't want it to seem as though I don't care about Christians or the Christian program I was in.  I do. Am I a little resentful.  Yes.  Maybe hurt.  Was I wrong.  Yes.  I know that.  Hind sight doesn't do much for the past. 

It was a tough place to be but I hate the way it ended.  Man it was tough sometimes.  I felt like I was always having to be prepared to be defensive about something.   Apparently the big deal about me is not my alleyway behavior but what I was writing.  The Truth?  I don't want to do this really.  I love that place.  I stopped there Saturday to get this huge plastic bin of earthquake supplies that Susan had for us while we lived together.  Susan was always prepared for such things as one should be in San Francisco.  She was on the emergency team for her very important job.  She had it all pretty together despite me.

So when she left, not needing it anymore, we both agreed I should take it to my program.  It had a lot of emergency supplies.  It was very heavy.  When I was asked to leave, it was way to heavy to take in my backpack!  I had a friend help me get some stuff a couple of days later.  My stuff was everywhere.  I had just helped my ex-wife move across country after we had known each other for 23 years and lived in San Francisco for 11.  I had moved back and forth from hotel room to hotel room 4 times at that program while helping Susan move because people can't get along.  (After being there a couple of months we got to live in the pee-in-the-sink hotel upstairs with three roommates. It was actually pretty nice after sleeping on an army cot for two months and the sidewalk for eight!)    

I already was so confused.  I had stuff all over San Francisco.  I had stuff at Susan's, in 3 storage units and at that program in two different rooms.  My last move from room 3 to room 10 was the night before I got kicked out which was 3 days after Susan moved.  Walking out that door I had no idea where I was going or how I would get my stuff to one of my storage units.  I was emotionally drained and still felt a little hung over from my "indecent accident" two days before.   The day after Susan moved, the day I had my little "indecent accident" with her,  I also helped 2 people move out of that program.  So when I left, I was pretty mixed up. Getting high almost made since but I really didn't want to.  I helped someone move yesterday too.  I was supposed to help someone on Sunday but thankfully that didn't happen.  

So anyway, when I stopped to get that earthquake supply bin, The guy who used to be house manager said, "It's been more than three days.  Your stuffs been surrendered!"  Thanks.  Again, lets get this straight.  I'm talking about your words you said to me.  Not about you.  It is a rule I guess.  I'm so glad I cared about the well being of that place in case of an emergency.  

I did end up getting it back - probably because they didn't know it was where it was.  Actually the current house manager did know and said it was okay.  That place has lots of house managers!

I love all those guys.  I really do.  Even that old house manager - a lot.  In fact, I was about to write about how I felt bad for him for something he was going through just before he was on the committee that kicked me out!  It wasn't him.  It really wasn't.  He didn't seem to like me using even nicknames and he's not all wrong about that.  I went to get my favorite movie, Cars, from him that I had loaned him while at the program and he hugged me and really cared about my well being.  I do love that guy.  He is good for that place and he was good for me.  Talk about a preacher though.  I'll never forget the day I told him he needed to get off his pulpit.  He didn't like that much.

It is just a tough place to be.  For me at least.  I think that's the hard part for me.  I really did care and work hard and was completely honest....enough.  Let Go Davemania!

I'm clean.  Thank you all.  Including that program.  I think they viewed me as a loose cannon with this blog.  I'm sure they've never dealt with someone like me.  I was never trying to hurt that place or anyone there in any way - even the one's I complained about using nicknames.  It turns out they were always in some kind of real trouble.  I never wanted to be a Monkey Wrench.  I mean that.  I'm free now.  I see that.  Life is coming together.  I hate imposing on people, but it is going to work out.  I see that.  I created a Facebook photography website that got 15,000 hits the first week.  I sold some photos too.  I just happened to look at who was liking my photos on there yesterday and saw that a famous Hollywood actress liked one of my photos.  This one in fact. 

I like it too! I once sold some of my stuff to a president and CEO of a major international clothing company based in LA.  People from all over the world purchase my photos from Justin Herman Plaza where I will be setting up again.  My real website is almost up and running.  It should be, but I just gotta figure one more thing out.  I'm no web designer and it's been a while.  I learned how to make websites from a book!  It worked I guess.  

I get my street artists license back on Sept 11th.  That date.  It means a lot to me.  I know it means a lot to everyone.   I probably blog about that soon.  It changed a lot for me.  There has been something about Septembers for me - not all bad really.   I see that now.  It's both good and bad.  I guess if it was good, it followed bad.  If we believe and do the right thing, Good comes from bad.  That's it.  I can't believe I'm getting it all back.   After what I just wrote I guess I should start.  One day at a time.

That program I was in means a lot to me.  I thought I was done.  It saved my life in many ways.  It is what it is now.  I do feel The Truth set me free.  Did I say that?  I've been told I say things over and over.  Yeah...yeah? 

It seems maybe they wanted me to beg to stay???  Nope.  I don't do head games.  Maybe I'm making that up in my head.

I got some valuable tools there.   Some of the volunteer people who were assigned to help me are still going to help me.  That's really cool of them.  I think of them as friends actually. Perhaps I'll help them too somehow.  I hope so.  

On Sunday, I went to the church I always went to while in that program.  It was nice to see some old friends - one from my program.  We had a nice walk and talk after.  I'm so afraid to name things right now.  The Pastor and those who knew me there were very supportive and they invited me to continue with the weekly roundtable I used to participate in while at "that program".  I'm not being smart ass about this, I'm just really trying not to use their name.  

Which reminds me.  Sorry.  Sorry for apologizing too.  Also Saturday, one of the guys said, "What were you saying about them? (the program)"  I said nothing bad.  I always tried to praise the place.  I wrote The Truth.  Not the details.  It was more about my concerns.  Hind Sight....Worthless here.  Not totally true.  He asked, "What are you saying now?"  I said, "Nothing bad. I don't even mention the name."  Is this bad?  I don't want it to be.  It's just I thought they would rally around me when I was going through all I was going through - maybe even put me on restriction - not say "this program is not for you and you need to move on."  Again, tell me once.  There was a lot that led up that actually.  Move on Dave.  I'm going to end it here.  I promise.  I was surprised that the person who kicked me out is the person who usually lets people who make mistakes stay and the person who kicks people out may have even been willing to let me stay.  Maybe I'm not surprised actually.  Actually the people who are wrong and they let stay are usually being manipulative liars.  I was not this at least.  I love them both.  Really.  Okay it's over.  I would like to help that place someday.  

I will say, being on that street after I was asked to leave felt way to familiar.  All I knew of my time on the street was using.  Seeing that brand new syringe as soon as I walked around the corner made my breathing very shallow.  It made me do something else though.  It made me start to pray.  I didn't want to use but didn't believe I would make it through the night.   That friend of mine a couple of thousand miles away is who really got me thinking.  She said it may be a good thing.  Another local friend I eventually reached out to said the same thing.  I couldn't see it at the time.  Ultimately it was my being tired of giving anyone a reason to worry about me that I decided, "I'm going to figure this out!"   Thank God for this blog and all my Facebook friends.  And that program.  And this lifelong program I am a part of!  All of you have no idea.   I mean that.  This all might actually be what I always hoped it might be.

It was nice to be at that Christian church I discovered while in that program.  They really do seem to care.  I'm sure there's a human being or two there, so....It's a good place.  I always hear what I need to here there.  The timing is always just right.   

Psalms 94:17-19

Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.  When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love , O Lord, supported me.  When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

After that scripture, the band which is always really good sung a song I use to play in that program a lot - Amazing Grace.  (Did I ever say how much I did for that program?  Not that I minded doing anything.  Dave.  Okay, okay.)   That song really is beautiful.  It's words are so appropriate and true for me and probably many.  It can stir my emotions.  What's new?

And then the sermon was about my bible hero - David.  You see David was a soldier before he was King.  Oh boy!  (I'm hoping to mimic his life by the way.)  I can't remember all the details, but apparently David the soldier was having a hard time.  He ended up doing something wrong.  (Knowing David, it probably involved a woman.)   David went insane and cried out for help so that he may be delivered from his fears.  King Saul didn't help him, he cast him out!  I think Ultimately, David ended up understanding that he should always fear God.  If I do that, I won't have any reason to fear mistakes that have been made because I won't make them.  Does that make sense?  It kind of does to me.  I've even already passed such a test.  Now, that feels good.  Yeah but, So does....Don't go there perv.  Keep making the right decisions.  No more "indecent accidents!"  An old friend told me a long time ago to never, "Yeah but..."  "The first feeling and thought is usually right", he would say.

I've been running (literally) to this recovery meeting about a mile from here.  It's at a recovery facility very similar to the one I was at but about ten times the size.  Because of this, it seems much more regimented.  It feels very institutionalized.  Living in an institution like setting can be hard.  It was fun at times.  Recovery faclities are God sends.  Please know I know that.  They are just hard to be at.  I learned a lot from being at the one I was at.  It's being hard to be at actually helps me stay clean.  No one wants to live like that.  I earned my place there.  

This place I run to is a good place, but it reminds me I don't ever want to be in that type of environment again.  For that I'll keep attending this meeting and be grateful that it is helping me and all the men who call it "home".

The fun part is running back to the place I call "home" this week.  I will move on as soon as I can and do all I can for those who help me.  I am also trying to do service for others. 

I also get to take care of myself.  I love that I have to run straight uphill to get back.  Unfortunately, the love songs or I guess they're really monster ballads (dork) I once chose to listen are dissipating in my MP3 player selection so.... :(  I guess the last thing I need to do is be in love.  It beat being in lust.  I run a lot harder to Foo Fighters anyway.   I need to be strong - mind, body and soul.  I think I am in the best shape of my life.  It feels really good in a really good way.  I encourage others to try it. 

I'm not trying to turn the ladies on here (well kind of), but my body is actually getting hard!  (not like that!)  Seriously though, I really never thought about that term "hard body", but when you work out a lot, you muscles get really hard.   I started realizing this after my bike wreck that injured my ribs and I would hold my chest all night long because of the pain.  I could feel how hard my muscles had actually become after months of working out everyday.  I also didn't know how many muscles we had around our rib cage.  Sit-ups were impossible for over a month!   I guess I was in good shape in high school, but it has been a log time and I may actually be in better shape now.  God's a good coach.  God probably doesn't like some of my humor - I don't know, maybe.   I'm human.   I'm definitely not a "Good Christian!"  Right? 

In regards to the program I was at I will be forever grateful.  That place works miracles in peoples lives.  It's a hard place to be.  My intentions were to always praise that place and never hurt it.  Sometimes, I felt The Truth had to be put into The Universe.  I promise you I never told a lot of things - both good and bad.  I think they thought I might have been a loose cannon.  If anyone reads this who is considering helping that place in any way - do it.  It deserves it and you'll be making a difference in a lot of peoples lives.  I always praised the volunteers - until some one told me to shut up and get back to work!  If the volunteers come back, we work less guys.  That wasn't my angle however, they just deserved to be praised.

Not that I want to, but I heard I'm never allowed back.  After seeing people complain about that place every day and do that place and those in it wrong every day then relapse and be let back in, that is kind of hard for me to hear.  Perhaps they need that place.  Perhaps they need to get their ass kicked on the street.  It's not up to me.  Either way, I hope all those who are there find their way.  Did I say I never wanted to be a Monkey Wrench.  I had every intention of finishing that program for all the right reasons, However, "Now I'm FREE".  I'll stay that way- one day at a time.

Monkey Wrench:  Sabotage (something), esp. as a form of protest. 

what have we done with innocence
it disappeared with time
it never made much sense
adolescent resident
wasting another night on planning my revenge

one in ten(x3)
don't wanna be your monkey wrench
one more indecent accident
I'd rather leave than suffer this
I'll never be your monkey wrench

all this time to make amends
what do you do when all your enemies are friends
now and then I'll try to bend
under pressure
wind up snapping in the end

one in ten(3x)
don't wanna be your monkey wrench
one more indecent accident
I'd rather leave than suffer this
I'll never be your monkey wrench

Temper(x3)

one last thing before I quit
I never wanted any more than I could fit into my head
I still remember every single word you said
and all the shit that somehow came along with it
still there's one thing that comforts me
since I was always caged and now I'm free

don't wanna be your monkey wrench
one more indecent accident
I'd rather leave than suffer this
I'll never be your monkey wrench

don't wanna be your monkey wrench
(fall in fall out)
don't wanna be your monkey wrench
(fall in fall out)
don't wanna be your monkey wrench
(fall in fall out)
don't wanna be your monkey wrench