Sympathy for the Devil

Life is really good right now.  I am so grateful to those who are helping me.  They are really kind to me.  I said it in my last blog, but I have my own room and my own bed in a beautiful neighborhood and I am surrounded by cool animals.  Two of the cats still hide from me, but they are coming around.  

I don't want to write a long blog.  I met with my friend this morning for coffee.  It's always nice to see her.  I think it was a much better visit together than a couple of weeks ago after my incident.  She still suggested I learn to meditate!  My mind is just....  I like the long bike ride from Bernal Heights to the city.  Like I told her, exercise is meditative for me.  It is.  We met in Chinatown.  

She really lives in the burbs!  It is nice where she lives but I am just a city person.  It is probably a 45 minute BART ride into The City.  She comes here a lot to help her uncle.  She's a good person.  I like Chinatown.   I then walked with her through the financial district so we could both get to the places we needed to be at noon.

Stockton Street Tunnel

We had coffee and tea at this little cafe on this corner.  My treat - finally!  I guess her uncle actually lives in Russian Hill - a block away from Chinatown.  It's such a nice neighborhood.  It's so San Francisco.

The cafe we met was right across the street from the Cable Car Museum.  It's a working museum of course.

After we split ways, I had to photograph my building some more.  The Trans American Pyramid is probably my second favorite building.  Number one is the Chrysler Building in New York.  The Empire State Building is pretty cool too, but I think this is number two.  Hey it beats writing about my alleyway activity.

I love the texture and patterns of this building.

Grant Street - Chinatown

California Street

California Street cable car line

Everything seems to be going good.  My addiction will always try to seep through cracks.  In recovery it is suggested we stay out of relationships for one year.  I guess if you count the other day, I kind of screwed that up (no pun intended).  Man, talk about coincidence, my old volunteer case manager from my program I got kicked out of  just now sent me a message on facebook about wanting to get together sometime.  He taught a sex addiction class at that program.  He was picked to be my case worker for a reason.   I was the number one student!  Serioulsy, I have issues there.  

He asked me back then if I was willing to commit to selabacy.  I said, "I'm not really trying to have sex with anyone, but I'm sure if an attractive woman came up to me and said, "Let's have sex," I probably would, but that's not going to happen."  Well....here we are.  This being single is all new to me.  I mean before I was a tweaked out mess and it never made sense what I did.  I was married.  I never had an affair or anything rather than completely high or wasted sex back then.  I never would have if I would have remained clean.  It was all just part of my addiction.  Since I have been clean, I thought this would be different.  I thought I would be different.  Some of the people I talk to don't seem to get this, but it is kind of a relapse for me.  Some do get it.  Perhaps I'm one who doesn't really want to get it.  Actually I do want to get it!  That's a bad joke.  I guess this is no joke.

Speaking of wanting to get it....I just now got a text letting me know that if I wanted to have safe sex, it's on.  If not, she'll be my friend.   I mean she's being cool about it.  I told her my recovery was just too important yesterday.  This is all just new to me.  Sorry to be so honest.  I won't ever reveal this person and I really need to not do that.  I need to be her friend.

I was talking to the woman I am staying with about this and she said, "You really need to commit to selabacy for at least a year." Ouch.  I said, "A year from my clean date (March 17th)  or a year since my last incendent?" (A couple of weeks ago)  She said, "You just answered that question."  Not the answer Dave wanted!   Dave wanted - today!  We'll see.  Nothing could be as triggering as a couple of weeks ago.  Nothing!  I gotta get her off my mind.  Being in a situation where a woman wasn't begging me to shoot up with her should be no problem, right?  Seeping through the cracks?

I think this is how my disease seeps through the cracks.  It has done this before in some ways.  I have been flirted with back when I was married and would not hook up like that.  I would shoot up instead and then bad things sometimes happened in crazier scenarios than if I would have just hooked up.  I'm still glad I never did that.  Not that being high made it okay, but there was never and emotional attachment to anyone besides my ex-wife.  Aren't I sweet?  Please don't think I'm proud of any of this.  I'm just trying to be honest and process my real feelings for the sake of The Truth.  If you don't like what your reading then don't read it.  Sorry.  I'm mixed up.  Lonely.  Awwwwhhh. :(  Right?

I'm in an outpatient program in a hardcore neighborhood.  I need that really.  I love this beautiful neighborhood with this view and these kind people and these animals, but I need not forget the reality of where I came from and where I go.  My addiction wants me deader than dead.  It wants me to suffer in hell on earth before it sends me to hell.  It fucking hates me.  The darkness seems to be within and it seems to be without.  

These women that are coming my way are not bad women.  The one the other day was in her addiction and I was wrong to take advantage of that.  This person who texted me is nice.  But, the way darkness unfolds for me is tricky.  It seems to be able to come at me in many forms.  I need to make the right decision and I will.  

I need an emotional attachment at least.  Is it okay for friends to...?  I think eye contact before, during and especially after is pretty key.  Not rushing off is pretty key.  Not, "Thanks, I gotta go.  I gotta meet someone!"  I did.  I almost shot up with her the other day.  I wanted to.  Should I be writing this stuff?  Whatever.  It feels real.  I do want something else to feel real.  Issues.  It's not really all about sex.

I was at Brainwash for comedy night one night and this woman said she never understood why all the guys she dated were only interested in filling three of her holes.  She would say to them, "How come you don't want to fill the fourth hole?"  To which they would ask, "What fourth hole?"  And she would reply, "The one in my heart."  That place is the devil!   I miss Brainwash.

I use to eat at this place in the Tenderloin that feeds probably ten times the amount of homeless and needy people in a day than we did at the program I was in for 4 1/2 months.  There are a couple of such big places in the TL.  The program I was at fed those on 6th Street.  These programs feed an entire neighborhood.  And there are smaller such places in the TL too.  It's kind of like Golden Gate Park has a smaller park leading up to it called the panhandle - 6th Street is kind of the panhandle to the TL I guess.    One of those places that feed the needy has an outpatient program.  I'll never name it.  If you know it then - whatever.  Secrets!  I'm trying to respect privacy. 

On the first day I was at that outpatient program that fed me for months when I was homeless, the class instructor said with the seasons getting ready to change (I have no idea what she's talking about because we live in San Francisco) it is important that we be vigilant.  She said we as addicts don't handle change well (And on that note I do know what she was talking about.  I've gone through so many life changes recently - just because they feel good now, doesn't mean they can't be dangerous).  I need a hardcore reminder sometimes about what my addiction is all about.  The instructor read this poem to us:

I hate meetings. I hate Higher Power. I hate anyone who has a program. to all who come in contact with me, I wish you death and I wish you suffering.

Allow me to introduce my self, I am the disease of addiction. I am cunning, baffling and powerful. I have killed millions, and I am pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I have given you comfort, have I not? wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me? I was there. I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry, better yet, I love when I make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry. You can't feel anything at all. This is true glory to me. I will give you instant gratification and all I ask of you is long-term suffering. I've been there for you always. When things were going right in your life, you invited me in. You said you didn't deserve these good things in your life.

People don't take me seriously. They take strokes, heart attacks, cancer and even diabetes seriously. Fools that they are, they don't know that without my help, these things would not be made possible.

I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited. You chose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12step program. Your program, your meetings, your Higher Power. All weaken me and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to.

Now I must lay here quietly. You don't see me, but I am growing, bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I only exist. But I am here....and until we meet again, if we meet again, I wish you death and suffering.

Addiction

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a mans soul and faith
And I was round when jesus christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game
I stuck around st. petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain
I rode a tank
Held a generals rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made
I shouted out,
Who killed the kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me
Let me please introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reached bombay
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's confusing you
Is just the nature of my game
Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me lucifer
Cause I'm in need of some restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, um yeah
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down
Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!
Tell me baby, what's my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Tell me baby, what's my name
I tell you one time, you're to blame
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah
What's my name
Tell me, baby, what's my name
Tell me, sweetie, what's my name
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah