Dazed and Confused

If there was ever a blog I didn't want to write, it is this one.  Things are pretty messed up right now.  Perhaps I'm making to big of a deal of this.  Perhaps  it is a big deal. I think it is.

I mentioned CityTeam is kind of haywire in my last blog.  It still kind of is.  Everyone is relapsing and doing strange things.  Surfer Dude never came back last night.  I was lead.  He was here since December.   That's pretty hard for me.  I don't even know what's up with Mr. Ed, but he kind of disappeared in some rumored weirdness.  If you happen read this Mr. Ed, know that.

Since I've been clean 4 1/2 months, I thought if there was ever a day that I might relapse, it would be today.  I kind of forgot I felt that way.  Something out here didn't forget.  It came at me early this morning in the form of a 90 pound tweaker in a short, tight dress.

In recovery we talk about being in relapse mode.  Being in relapse mode is practicing old behaviors with out actually using.  I can't believe I failed this test.  It's really got me pretty messed up.  I was looking forward to a day today that felt more like a new beginning than one that feels like a relapse.  That's kind of what I did.  I didn't use drugs, but for me doing what I did was very wrong.  I was week.  That's so wrong.

It would be one thing to develop a relationship with someone, but to hook up with a short tight dress I just met is not okay.  It's very bad.  I've been writing about trust.  How it felt good to be trusted.  Telling the truth is good, but acting appropriately is also very important.  I never even thought of "after the fact".  I was kind of in tunnel vision.  She just wouldn't let up on "Having her body against mine" as she put it.  I couldn't resist.

That was way to much for someone who felt the way I felt this morning.   I felt really lonely with Susan's departure.   That's a bad excuse.  I'm single.  I'm an adult.  I didn't feel guilty about Susan.  If anything, I felt guilty because of Sleepless.  Not that we're are anything like that being 2000 miles apart.  I just didn't know how to feel.  I know that I didn't feel right. 

It's nice to have women attracted to me, but developing a relationship is all I really wanted.  I thought I was beyond just wanting to have sex.  I tried to make it not happen, but she just kept on coming at me and I failed. I'm so sorry.  

It was wrong enough what happened but she was also begging me to shoot speed with her during "it".  I wanted to.  I really wanted to.  That's the part that is the most dangerous about this whole thing.  I didn't.  Perhaps I should recognize this.  My not using is the most important.  That behavior is wrong.  I'm sorry to write about this, but I have to be authentic.  If I used drugs, I would have to write about it.  If I ever end up in a relationship and it becomes intimate, trust me, I won't write about it.  This is different.  This probably was the dark side coming at me.  She said some messed up things.  Her name is kind of already a nickname, but I guess I call her Tweaker Chick.  I actually felt bad for her.  She stole something from me and then felt bad because I was a nice person and gave it back to me.  Sounds like a match made in Heaven!  Perhaps I shouldn't joke.  The first person I saw afterwards said, "You know your in the dark?"  I have no idea how this guy I'd never seen before could know to look at me an say that.

I'm not a healthy minded person right now.  Actually, I have had a lot of women hit on me lately out here. It's flattering, but I haven't done anything with them.  I don't really know how that world operates.  The problem with today is, I know how that world operates.  The only thing missing was the IV drugs for me.  That's not good.  Please don't judge me.  This is hard on me.  I know I was wrong.

I was so excited to meet with Gina this morning to take photos and that happened BEFORE!  This city is just....  Gina could see I wasn't myself.  I confessed to her first.  I just had to.   I couldn't pretend nothing was wrong.   She helped me a lot.  She is great friend.  She agreed that it was wrong, but she told me to stop beating myself up and understand that I am  lonely and going through a lot.  I think it was one of those bad aliens Gina!  She also told me how I needed to let go.  She recognized I should not make light of it and that I should learn from it of course.

I was really worried about Sleepless.  Gina agreed I should tell her of course.  Sleepless really helped me.  She, as usual, had those little statements that just help me.  "Please forgive yourself."  She too recognized it to be wrong.  She said, "You are worth more than a whore begging you to shoot up.  No offense"  I know that.  I was week.  It was wrong.  I can't believe I'm writing about this.  I had to.  This blog has to be authentic.  That type of secret can not be kept from this blog.  That type of behavior cannot be repeated.  Again, I not going to write about an intimate relationship with someone if I know it feels right.  I'm just not there yet. It was nowhere near!

Sleepless ended up doing what she does best.  Making me laugh.  She said,  "At least you didn't break a bone.  Perv. "  She even had some song suggestions.  She said,  "Oh use that song. Creep!!! Radio head"  Good choice.  Susan use call me that all the time.  That is a great choice - Sleepless knows the whole story.  However, I just couldn't get this one out of my head afterwards.  Dazed and Confused is an understatement.

I know it's a long song, but you gotta a least stick around until it's played seven minutes.   Let's just say there is a cover of a song I had on here a couple of days ago.   And, it just jams getting there!  Actually, the whole song is pretty amazing.  If there was ever a guitar God, it's Jimmy Page.

Been Dazed and Confused for so long it's not true.
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Lots of people talk and few of them know,
soul of a woman was created below.

You hurt and abuse tellin' all of your lies.
Run around sweet baby, Lord how they hypnotize.
Sweet little baby, I don't know where you've been.
Gonna love you baby, here I come again.

Every day I work so hard, bringin' home my hard earned pay
Try to love you baby, but you push me away.
Don't know where you're goin', only know just where you've been,
Sweet little baby, I want you again.

Been dazed and confused for so long, it's not true.
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Take it easy baby, let them say what they will.
Will your tongue wag so much when I send you the bill