Friends and Lovers - Let the Good Times Roll!

I got to see Mickey Avalon at Slims a few years ago. He's from Hollywood.  I love his shows.  He's very hardcore and I think that's what I like.  That and the dark honesty of his lyrics.  I like this kind of white guy rap also.  I watched a live internet stream of him from the Viper Room in Hollywood the other day.  I prematurely posted it on Facebook.  I should have known those women on stage would get completely nude.  Duh. (This is not that video)

All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead

A slit wrist leaves a mess
On the breakfast table, oh yes
Betta' cut deep 'fore you go to sleep
Or in the morning you're the one who gonna have to clean

Days I've seen make a priest lose his beliefs
Like Kathy crawlin' 'cross the carpet in the bloodstained briefs
Chewin pills like she was starvin' for a taste of relief
Her last wind was in the trash can; couldn't beat the disease

All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead

Johnny made a record, went straight to number one
But Johnny had a little fascination with guns
And cocaine, he couldn't stand to take the slow train
Got a little fortune, lost his breaks in the rain, ooo
What to do when your luck is through
Whether you come from the slums or live in Malibu
Seen runnin' down the avenue
Mickey Avalon with an attitude

All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead

Lean Lee Tucker was a mean motherfucker
Seen him knock a man clean out his corduroy slippers
And that same man's queen (?) monster truck and hit him
Found him lifeless as a log in the Mississippi river
Tara was a stripper
Died on the shitter
With a smile on her face and her hand on her liver
But I ain't mad, I forgive her
I just get a little sad everytime I fuck her sister

I didn't know if I wanted to use that song or Waiting to Die by Mickey Avalon for this blog.  This one is a lot less hardcore than Waiting to Die.  Both would have worked.  I love Mickey Avalon.  He's brutally honest.  That's important to me.  It's a sick reality.  My reality was very close to the reality he sings about in a lot of his songs.  I've seen a lot of people die from this disease.  I've come close myself.  Sickeningly enough, a few times I sat contemplating just how deep I'd have to cut as I held a razor blade to my wrist.  For my own sick reasons that was going to be my method of choice.  This little dance with the devil we do....  It still temps me.  That living on the edge is....   I like this music and it is music which in some ways glorifies this lifestyle, however, at this stage for me it serves as more as a reminder of the dark reality of addiction.  Then there's the women....

Walking with God is the right choice.  I hope Mickey Avalon lives.  He's f'd up, but he's honest.  He's an amazing artists.  Sometimes artists can't handle their own gifts.  I think all he's doing some how fits into it all.  I like to believe that about everything though.

Speaking of f'd up, I'm staying back near the ghetto again.  I've gone to my old program twice in as many days for a few reasons.  One is because I love many of those guys.  Two is because there was a recovery meeting there tonight.  Three, I wanted to get my pillow and comforter!  Every time I have tried the person who was holding it for me was not there.

When I was homeless, someone put a brand new comforter in it's case beside me one night.  I woke up on a vent one morning, freezing, trying to get the warm air from the vent I guess.  I must have just collapsed after being up for days - I don't remember.  

Someone left me this brand new comforter with matching pillow cases.  I left it in it's case hoping some day I may actually have a bed to put it on.  I also had this awesome expensive pillow that Susan's friend donated.  He donated 20 to that program.   They were all very expensive.  I originally kept 2 thinking someday, I could put them in my two matching pillow cases.  However, the guy who said my stuff needed to be surrendered didn't get one back then so I gave him my second.  Enough.  You get it.  I had been gone for over three days.  Rules are rules.

I don't always play by them but I'm honest about it.  I am also a pretty good person these days. Is it against "the rules" to have sex in an alley in San Francisco?  Probably.  Sometimes it's allowed - at least with yourself.  It happens all the time at the Folsom Street Fair.  I say an alley, but I had a good private spot I use to "sleep" in when I was homeless.  I am a broken man my friends.  I am striving to be a better person - I promise.  That's why I'm trying to hold myself accountable for "that type" of behavior.  

I wasn't even really worried about the rules, but something about the "whole thing" felt wrong.  It was wrong.  I was in a vulnerable state I guess.  Poor thing. 

People say San Francisco is messed up.  San Francisco is honest and for that I love it.  Everyone is broken - maybe not as broken as some here, but I believe honesty counts for a lot.  God loves honesty.  I promise everyone - God's presences is really strong here in the way that it is.  I know that.

With that said, I'm honestly struggling to not have sex with women lately.  I have had 5 offers in as many days.  I'm counting the married brainwash chick as an offer, but the other four offers were pretty much, "Wanna.....?"   Yes I do....and no, I don't.  

How has this blog become this?  It's not very Godly I don't think.  Perhaps in it's honesty it is.  I don't know.  It is my reality lately and I'm trying to hold myself accountable.  While there's something exciting about all this, it's dangerous.  Not all relationships of course, but the potential ones with drug addicts.  Notice I say "not all".  That's because that's what I want to believe!  I am just trying to be honest as many ways as I can.  Everyday people praise me for that.  Especially women.  At the same time, I had one tell me I was pathetic last night.  However by the end the night she asked me if I would be her "passionate lover!"  I chalked her up as offer number four.  How'd that happen?   Good question, but when she told me I was pathetic for doing what I did with Tweaker Chick I said, "Maybe, but I'm an addict who's trying to change and it's just the truth."  Perhaps it was then she began "falling in love!"  I hope people "get me".

I also have men who say they like this blog, but it seems to be at about 80% women who read this and support me.  A couple of times, it has become a possibility for more.  It has become flirtatious at least.  I never saw that coming. I like it.  It makes me smile sometimes and it really has been harmless.  If anything, I thought it would be the exact opposite.  Honesty goes a long way.  It seems women are pretty honest.  I have made amazing friendships as a result.  That is amazing to me. 

My running through the Tenderloin the past couple of days has been triggering.  On my way to that meeting tonight, this very attractive Asian woman said to me, "You want to come to my room?"  I "love" Asian women.   Weakness.  I said, "For?"  She smiled.  I said, "Uhmm?  For?"  She made a motion with her body that let me know what for and then added, "$40.00."  That's kind of what I thought this time.  I'm glad, because I might have taken this one up if it was a freebie.  I of course didn't and I really didn't want to go with her for free either.  Not "really." 

I didn't even realize I was wearing my GETTO super hero shirt today during my run through the ghetto.  I got this at Hookaville - probably in the 90's.  If only I knew!

I've struggled with all this recently.  Speaking of struggling with all this, I ran into "tweaker girl" yesterday.  Talk about awkward.  She wasn't high this time.  I felt sorry for her which means I probably wanted to have sex with her.  I was talking to one of my friends at the time she walked up. As a matter of fact I was telling him how I got kicked out of that program.  I was telling him how it was the honesty in my blog that I felt got me kicked out.  I may have been too honest for that program.  Not too good!  Too honest.  There is a difference.  So I finally said to him, "What got the ball rolling was my writing about hooking up with this hot little mess....." just as the hot little mess was standing behind me.  Awkward.  She wasn't really a mess yesterday- which made her less hot to me.  I told you I have issues.  My friend saw her for the skinny junkie she was.  I have an attraction to that.  I'm sure it's an attraction by association.  I'm sure I didn't find slightly beat up and way to skinny women who were wasted attractive before....

I didn't use to be attracted to this either:

Golden Gate Street in The Tenderloin.

This needle I turned into "art" bothered me a little tonight, but not near as much as the guy shooting up in his leg as I ran by.  That really hit me in the heart.  As far as my decision to photograph this with my phone I did so because I thought it might help me work through all this.  Let me just say I actually believe it has.  It changing the dynamic of what I see - if that makes sense.  It does to me.

As far as the guy shooting up in his leg, it also disgusted me because that's how I used to be sometimes.  Being discusted by it is good for me.  At the time, I was envious that he was about to "get a hit."  

Occasionally my arms would get to bad to shoot up in and I'd shoot up in my leg.  There is a huge vein just above my foot.  I also used veins in my feet.  Those places have thick skin and hurt.  I even shot up in my juggler vein before.  I don't want to talk about this anymore.  Please don't think I'm glorifying this.  It was really sick.

I put a photo up on Facebook yesterday of syringes on a Muni train.  I was talking to an old friend who used to live an San Francisco, but now lives in Manchester, England.  We were talking how we didn't like the syringes in the photo because the were only 50cc's.  She referred to them as "cute little 50cc's."  I said how, "I was never so rude as to throw my needles everywhere, but at least they put the caps back on these."  She replied, "I use to volunteer to pick these bad boys up in the park because I was this rude."  Good for her.  You know, we can make up for our wrongs and make an even bigger difference - thank God.  God knows I was rude in plenty of other ways while in my addiction.

This is the photo of the "cute little 50cc's" we had such a fun Sunday morning discussion about.  (Well, it was morning here).  At least it's no longer a Sunday morning activity.  If you want to see my favorite - the 29 gage 100cc, look at the one of the street photo above.  Such knowledge.

 So it seems I'm tempted every night, but ultimately I really like these real freindships I'm making.  I have some amazing ones from this blog.  They truly are good, loving friendships.  I smile when I think of some of the people I mean when I wrote this.

 

It seems I may have made another.  It is possibly in part because of this blog, but I actually met her at Jerry Day.  How old fashioned of me.   She told me she read and loved my blog.  She also told me she had her male friend read it and he didn't get it.  Like I said - It's not the rule, but....I don't know.  Not everyone "gets it."  That's fine.   If you like it, thanks. 

She is beautiful of course!  She is really cool and it seems we have a lot in common and are becoming friends.  We are different too which is good.  She has a beautiful home with some of the coolest collections!  And, despite being younger, she has probably been to more shows than me!  I was out of the "show" biz for a while.  I look forward to getting back to my old ways!  The good parts of my old ways I should say. It's nice to have friends to enjoy these things with. 

It was nice hanging out with a "normal" person today.  Don't get me wrong, I love my friends who are like me too, but, she was nice to hang out with.  I think the best part of the visit was snapping green beans with her and looking at her amazing collections.   It was so free of drama!

I love people.  I use that word pretty loosely but it is a strong word and I do mean it.   I love having friends.  I love loving my friends.  I am so lucky to have so many!  

I will stay the path.  I will not be perfect, but I am becoming a better person and I will remain honest.  So many amazing things are happening in my life.  I feel so lucky.  If it's not obvious, I like a wide range of music.  I just like music that "speaks to me".  I'm ready to "let the good times role."  Alpine Valley is a cool place.  Babbling on....

 

Get in the groove and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long
Come on and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long

The evening sun is sinking low
The clock on the wall says it's time to go
I got plans, and I got plans for you
I tell you exactly what we're all gonna do

Get in the groove and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long
Come on and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long 

It might be twelve o'clock and it might be three
Time doesn't mean that much to me
Ain't felt this way since I don't know when
Might not feel this way again

Get in the groove and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long
Come on and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long 

It might be six o'clock and it might be eight
It don't matter that it's getting late
We're gonna make the band play one more song
Get in the groove if it takes all night long

Get in the groove and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long
Come on and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long
All night (all night)
All night (all night)
 
If it takes all night (all night)
You know it might take all night long (all night)
All night long (all night)
All night long (all night)
(continues)

Get in the groove and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long