A Psalm of David
Oh, what joy for those who disobedience is forgiven,
Oh, what joy for those who disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, What joy for those whose lives are lived in complete honesty! When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time, that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment. For you are my hiding place;You protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory.
I’ve always felt God uses music at the right time and place to communicate with me or anyone. Reading that Bible verse this morning in our group brought tears to my eyes once again. It still does. I’m brutally honest in this blog because I want people to believe in me when I write about all the “insane” occurrences I have lived. I know this might be hard, because even I have my own doubts. I was shooting crystal meth when I heard voices and met hells angels and the devil. Who in the world would believe in someone like me? I care about people enough and know all that happened to me be true enough to tell some of my darkest secrets to anyone who reads this. I care about God. God cares about even someone like me.
I definitely never gave Susan much reason to trust me. I cheated on her, stole from her, lied to her. I am not proud of these things. I was forced to confess to her these things years ago by “the voices” Voices became pretty common to me over the years. When they first occurred, it scared me! I lost my mind! Where in the world were they coming from. Talk about run like hell! Run like I did. Hell is where I was and Hell it seems is where I was to stay many times. Then I convince myself it was meth psychosis or I could get away with it or I was doomed to hell anyway. The desire for the lust using created was all that really mattered. At times, the voices really were trying to help. Wherever they come from, it seems that in the end of the darkness light is coming.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time, that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment. For you are my hiding place;You protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory.
I’ve always felt God uses music at the right time and place to communicate with me or anyone. Reading that Bible verse this morning in our group brought tears to my eyes once again. It still does. I’m brutally honest in this blog because I want people to believe in me when I write about all the “insane” occurrences I have lived. I know this might be hard, because even I have my own doubts. I was shooting crystal meth when I heard voices and met hells angels and the devil. Who in the world would believe in someone like me? I care about people enough and know all that happened to me be true enough to tell some of my darkest secrets to anyone who reads this. I care about God. God cares about even someone like me.
I definitely never gave Susan much reason to trust me. I cheated on her, stole from her, lied to her. I am not proud of these things. I was forced to confess to her these things years ago by “the voices” Voices became pretty common to me over the years. When they first occurred, it scared me! I lost my mind! Where in the world were they coming from. Talk about run like hell! Run like I did. Hell is where I was and Hell it seems is where I was to stay many times. Then I convince myself it was meth psychosis or I could get away with it or I was doomed to hell anyway. The desire for the lust using created was all that really mattered. At times, the voices really were trying to help. Wherever they come from, it seems that in the end of the darkness light is coming.
I followed their orders many times. I confessed all the wrong I had done to Susan as they ordered me to do in the early days of hearing voices. I knew many of the voices well. They may have been you. I even wrote emails about much o the wrong I had done to Susan to Susan’s family, sent them and then called them at 3:00 in the morning to let them know they were there. I came a click away from posting every dirty detail on my blog many times. Some of the voices advised me not to. I felt the truth mattered most. I'm glad I didn't. I hurt her enough. Her family had plenty of reason to have issues with me, yet, they still loved me in many ways. Susan actually always told me she knew I wasn't really that person. She knows everything. She forgave me.
Susan is the only person I was ever with unless I was insanely intoxicated on something. I never had an affair. There was never an emotional attachment. It was sick intoxicated sex. It doesn’t make it okay. It started in Cincinnati. I would basically find myself coming out of a blackout in some shell of a building in Over-the-Rhine because I was smoking crack with some prostitute. It was more about the crack back then, but….I would like to say that I am not making excuses, but I had parents with addiction issues and I also have abandonment issues. It is very common for people with abandonment issues to have issues with sex. Mine only flared up in my active addictions. My recovery does seem to cover that issue for me as much as it covers my wanting to stick a needle in my arm. As I said before, they went hand and hand. This is not uncommon for IV meth users. It’s more about wanting to feel loved and accepted right now. I some ways, that’s kind of what it was always about.
Once I started shooting meth, my life turned absolutely insane. I don’t’ want to really talk about the details. I’m just trying to be honest. Please, don’t follow my lead on this one by telling everyone everything. Not exactly anyway. Know this. God knows everything - simple as that. I believe that we may also know everything about everyone some day if we choose to live in the Truth and let God do the judging. Living in the truth is so important. Confessing ones wrong doings to God is so important. I have no idea how to tell people how to go about this. Despite even my own attempts to doubt everything that happened to me, somewhere in my heart, I know it’s all real.
I promise you I never planned to write all this for anyone to read. I use to write about my meth addiction but not the sex part. I wanted people to believe my insane stories, but I felt I may not being completely real by not admitting everything but didn't think it was fair to Susan to do so. Why hurt Susan anymore than I already have. Ironically I'm doing this so I can be trusted. What I am doing right now may be wrong. I don't know. It's kind of a leap of faith if that makes any kind of sense at all. I pray it’s not wrong. I am only doing this because we are no longer together and also I want it to be clear that it is my fault. It is at least the addict that resides in Dave's fault. I just don’t want anyone to judge Susan for her situation. That woman is an angel that I put through hell. Even the devil himself told me that. What I did was wrong. What I did is in the past. I know God has given me a lot of grace. God forgives - so too should we. That’s what I want people to know. If God forgives me - he’ll forgive anyone. We should forgive. Please forgive me.
Susan is the only person I was ever with unless I was insanely intoxicated on something. I never had an affair. There was never an emotional attachment. It was sick intoxicated sex. It doesn’t make it okay. It started in Cincinnati. I would basically find myself coming out of a blackout in some shell of a building in Over-the-Rhine because I was smoking crack with some prostitute. It was more about the crack back then, but….I would like to say that I am not making excuses, but I had parents with addiction issues and I also have abandonment issues. It is very common for people with abandonment issues to have issues with sex. Mine only flared up in my active addictions. My recovery does seem to cover that issue for me as much as it covers my wanting to stick a needle in my arm. As I said before, they went hand and hand. This is not uncommon for IV meth users. It’s more about wanting to feel loved and accepted right now. I some ways, that’s kind of what it was always about.
Once I started shooting meth, my life turned absolutely insane. I don’t’ want to really talk about the details. I’m just trying to be honest. Please, don’t follow my lead on this one by telling everyone everything. Not exactly anyway. Know this. God knows everything - simple as that. I believe that we may also know everything about everyone some day if we choose to live in the Truth and let God do the judging. Living in the truth is so important. Confessing ones wrong doings to God is so important. I have no idea how to tell people how to go about this. Despite even my own attempts to doubt everything that happened to me, somewhere in my heart, I know it’s all real.
I promise you I never planned to write all this for anyone to read. I use to write about my meth addiction but not the sex part. I wanted people to believe my insane stories, but I felt I may not being completely real by not admitting everything but didn't think it was fair to Susan to do so. Why hurt Susan anymore than I already have. Ironically I'm doing this so I can be trusted. What I am doing right now may be wrong. I don't know. It's kind of a leap of faith if that makes any kind of sense at all. I pray it’s not wrong. I am only doing this because we are no longer together and also I want it to be clear that it is my fault. It is at least the addict that resides in Dave's fault. I just don’t want anyone to judge Susan for her situation. That woman is an angel that I put through hell. Even the devil himself told me that. What I did was wrong. What I did is in the past. I know God has given me a lot of grace. God forgives - so too should we. That’s what I want people to know. If God forgives me - he’ll forgive anyone. We should forgive. Please forgive me.
I think my God may actually a she - not a he anymore. I don’t know. I use to think my God should be a man because that’s what I need to be. It always seemed to me that God would be much more like a woman than a man for some reason though. It just makes sense. Women are a lot more caring and loving than men in the Universe as I perceive it. Jesus was a man. I promise you I don’t understand everything. I’m trying to be honest about my feelings. For my God to be a woman makes sense for the same reason as I thought my God should be a man. I need to be a man. I need to love and care about God with the respect and admiration I should love and care about a woman. However, God is God. I just need to care about everyone. Something I didn’t always do while in my active addiction. I never hurt anyone in a physical way. There are others ways to hurt people who love you. I hurt the most important woman of all - my wife. She doesn’t deserved to be judged - so don’t!
The voices warned me of so many things that came true. There were other signs I ignored from the dark side. The Voices use to say, "This isn't a game!" The voices told me she would get pregnant. It was to be the devils child of course but the voices were mostly evil at the end. Those voices materialized into living breathing human beings who let me know everything I tried to doubt - could not be doubted. I need to always remember that. It still doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. It’s hard for me to understand. I was so messed up but it was all so real. Sometimes I think many of you know a lot more than I do and I understand you can’t tell me. If that’s the way it is, than we understand that I guess. Perhaps I was the one who never obeyed the rules. I don’t like confusion.
I know I sound crazy. That drug really made me crazy. I’ve said it before, it was the lust of my life. I’ve said that for me, IV meth and sex addiction was the gateway to hell for me. It was.
I’m not that person anymore and I will never be that person again. I believe that. I will never abandon God again. David of the Bible was an adulterer and was punished by God. God loved David and David loved God. David wrote Psalms. I love God and God loves me. I’m writing Beaty’s Babbling Brain Blog. It probably won’t make the cut for The Holy Bible Part II!
The first time I flipped the Bible open randomly in one of my insane crystal meth experiences I flipped it open to PSALMS 107 and it told me exactly what I had been doing. I was so amazed. I had no idea David wrote Psalms back then. I have referred to my addiction is Goliath. I think a lot of kids who had to go to Sunday School probably liked David. I don’t remember much else about the short time I spent in church. I do remember playing with my mom’s charm bracelets and helping her pour the grape juice communion in those little glasses. Those are some of the clearest memories I have I my mother for some reason.
I don’t really care what people think about me. I’m not telling people all the dirty details because I just think they are not necessary. If they surfaced it can't be said I was trying to deny them. I'd rather forget them. I want people to believe me. I want people to trust me. I’m not sure after what I put Susan through she could ever really trust me again. She said that even when I was clean she was always just waiting for me to relapse and I always did.
I told Sleepless that I write all this crap about myself because, ironically, I want people to trust me. She said three magic words that captured my heart right after I wrote that. I trust you. I believed her. I hope people don’t judge me for my past. I will tell someone EVERYTHING about me so I know God knows I had a witness.
It’s hard for me to talk to Sleepless about how messed up I was, but she asked something the other day about my infidelity to Susan and I told her about my confession. She said it must have hurt and that it seems like it’s more cruel to actually confess that to someone. She’s right. Please don’t hurt someone like that. Do pray to God for guidance. Ask someone you can trust privately for advice. Pray on it. I don’t need to know anything about anyone, but anyone can ask me for advice if they are struggling in life. I had a guy in the program trust me while I was being lead last night. I think my honesty earns me trust. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. I care about this guy a lot and will never lose his trust. You can trust me - I promise. I hope people still know that - especially Sleepless.
I may not have been a good person all the time, but I promise you - I try to do God’s work everyday these days. I picked Padre up and brought him home from the hospital after being there three weeks. I’m so grateful I have the opportunity to help people. It's getting me through some really hard times and keeping me clean. That's a miracle. I spent so much time driving that 90 mile round trip to the place where Susan and my California life began for our first few days in the Bay Area - Vallejo. At first it hurt - every time I crossed that Bay Bridge and past the Motel 6 in Vallejo. I have new memories now and even those old ones didn't feel so bad today. I thanked Sister Theresa for that today. They are amazing people.
The voices warned me of so many things that came true. There were other signs I ignored from the dark side. The Voices use to say, "This isn't a game!" The voices told me she would get pregnant. It was to be the devils child of course but the voices were mostly evil at the end. Those voices materialized into living breathing human beings who let me know everything I tried to doubt - could not be doubted. I need to always remember that. It still doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. It’s hard for me to understand. I was so messed up but it was all so real. Sometimes I think many of you know a lot more than I do and I understand you can’t tell me. If that’s the way it is, than we understand that I guess. Perhaps I was the one who never obeyed the rules. I don’t like confusion.
I know I sound crazy. That drug really made me crazy. I’ve said it before, it was the lust of my life. I’ve said that for me, IV meth and sex addiction was the gateway to hell for me. It was.
I’m not that person anymore and I will never be that person again. I believe that. I will never abandon God again. David of the Bible was an adulterer and was punished by God. God loved David and David loved God. David wrote Psalms. I love God and God loves me. I’m writing Beaty’s Babbling Brain Blog. It probably won’t make the cut for The Holy Bible Part II!
The first time I flipped the Bible open randomly in one of my insane crystal meth experiences I flipped it open to PSALMS 107 and it told me exactly what I had been doing. I was so amazed. I had no idea David wrote Psalms back then. I have referred to my addiction is Goliath. I think a lot of kids who had to go to Sunday School probably liked David. I don’t remember much else about the short time I spent in church. I do remember playing with my mom’s charm bracelets and helping her pour the grape juice communion in those little glasses. Those are some of the clearest memories I have I my mother for some reason.
I don’t really care what people think about me. I’m not telling people all the dirty details because I just think they are not necessary. If they surfaced it can't be said I was trying to deny them. I'd rather forget them. I want people to believe me. I want people to trust me. I’m not sure after what I put Susan through she could ever really trust me again. She said that even when I was clean she was always just waiting for me to relapse and I always did.
I told Sleepless that I write all this crap about myself because, ironically, I want people to trust me. She said three magic words that captured my heart right after I wrote that. I trust you. I believed her. I hope people don’t judge me for my past. I will tell someone EVERYTHING about me so I know God knows I had a witness.
It’s hard for me to talk to Sleepless about how messed up I was, but she asked something the other day about my infidelity to Susan and I told her about my confession. She said it must have hurt and that it seems like it’s more cruel to actually confess that to someone. She’s right. Please don’t hurt someone like that. Do pray to God for guidance. Ask someone you can trust privately for advice. Pray on it. I don’t need to know anything about anyone, but anyone can ask me for advice if they are struggling in life. I had a guy in the program trust me while I was being lead last night. I think my honesty earns me trust. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. I care about this guy a lot and will never lose his trust. You can trust me - I promise. I hope people still know that - especially Sleepless.
I may not have been a good person all the time, but I promise you - I try to do God’s work everyday these days. I picked Padre up and brought him home from the hospital after being there three weeks. I’m so grateful I have the opportunity to help people. It's getting me through some really hard times and keeping me clean. That's a miracle. I spent so much time driving that 90 mile round trip to the place where Susan and my California life began for our first few days in the Bay Area - Vallejo. At first it hurt - every time I crossed that Bay Bridge and past the Motel 6 in Vallejo. I have new memories now and even those old ones didn't feel so bad today. I thanked Sister Theresa for that today. They are amazing people.
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| I got better photos of them but forgot to ask their permission to post them. You get the picture. |
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I get plenty of time in the van for the right songs to come on the radio at just the right time….
There's a place that i know
it's not pretty there and few have ever gone
if i show it to you now
will it make you run away
or will you stay
even if it hurts
even if i try to push you out
will you return?
and remind me who i really am
please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
like a diamond
from black dust
it's hard to know
what can become
If you give up
so don't give up on me
please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
don't run away
don't run away
just tell me that you will stay
promise me you will stay
don't run away
don't run away
just promise me you will stay
promise me you will stay
will you love me? ohh
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
it's not pretty there and few have ever gone
if i show it to you now
will it make you run away
or will you stay
even if it hurts
even if i try to push you out
will you return?
and remind me who i really am
please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
like a diamond
from black dust
it's hard to know
what can become
If you give up
so don't give up on me
please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
don't run away
don't run away
just tell me that you will stay
promise me you will stay
don't run away
don't run away
just promise me you will stay
promise me you will stay
will you love me? ohh
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
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