Don't Know Why - Brokedown Palace

It was probably eleven  years to the month that I was in San Francisco interviewing for a job at The San Francisco Chronicle.  I remember, the second interview went very well.  I figured I'd get the job.  One thing I did not figure - there would be a drug test.  I smoked a lot of pot back then and I had smoked crack the night before.  Like a good addict, I found a way to postpone the test until I got back to Cincinnati.  I knew the crack would be out of my system, but now what about the marijuana?  It stays in your system for 30 days or more.  

I went to GNC on Fillmore Street in San Francisco and bought some of that stuff that suppose to help cover up marijuana.  Before I left San Francisco, I took a drive down beautiful Highway 1.  The Highway Sus and I weaved down on our honeymoon from San Francisco to Los Angeles and then to San Diego.  Once I got south of Half Moon Bay, I decided to cut across the Santa Cruz Mountains to get back to the San Francisco Airport.  I clearly remember this song being on the radio as I drove that winding mountain road:

 

I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever

Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come  

When I awoke at 3:00 this morning, that song was playing on my headphones.  It took me back to that day.

Just before I relapsed in 2010, Susan and I drove across the Santa Cruz Mountains to go to the Pumpkin Festival in Half Moon Bay.  Susan loves Halloween.  It was probably our last nice time together believing things were going to be okay for us.  The Santa Cruz Mountains continue to be a place I experience strong emotions.  They are kind of magical I guess.

  

Once back in Cincinnati, I exercised like crazy, drank tons of water, took that cover up stuff before the drug tests and probably did something I rarely did back then - I prayed.  I even asked God for a sign on my way to take the drug test.  About five minutes later I saw a sign.  It was a sign in front of a church and it read:  "You asked for a sign?"  I got the job.  I had no idea what I was in for - eleven years of Heaven and hell on earth. Probably more hell than Heaven.  It was only the beginning for the signs.

It's pretty much over I guess.  Susan will have left San Francisco by the time I get this posted.  I may try to call her before she leaves.  It's bitter sweet.  I'll miss her, but I'm glad it's all over and she gets a chance at a new life.  So do I.  We said our goodbyes Wednesday.  She leaves today.

I'm at Brainwash.  I love this place.  I have my computer.  I have it because I needed to copy tons of files of art and music over the past week so both Susan and I could have it.   Susan and I didn't care who got what.  I wanted her to have everything.  The only thing we both wanted was art and music.  We shared the printed art.   She took some and I took some.  They all meant something to us.  We met in art class.  We shared the digital photos.    We copied the music on to hard drives for both of us.  Actually, Susan's dad did most of the work for us.

So anyway, CityTeam is a mess.  I don't even want to talk about it.  I will say we lost Ronnie Van Zant.  That one hurt.  I was lead last night and he never came back.  I like him.  He did show up today.  He looked a mess and said he was heading back to Florida.  I hope he'll be okay.  He's a good guy.  I think GA is going buy him a ticket home.  In San Francisco, they have a program called homeward bound.  Basically, they'll buy you a ticket back to your hometown!  Probably cheaper than keeping people here for the city.  This is a make or break you city.  It is full of broken dreams.  It's a Brokedown Palace.

I always said this town has chewed me up, but it can't spit me out!  It won't.  If I choose to leave, I will.  For now - I love San Francisco.  I use to think I'd go to LA when Susan left.  Not anymore.  I may some day.  I kind of like LA these days.  Maybe New York.

Speaking of New York, I just met with my two new career coaches - Dale and Anna.  Dale is heading to New York tomorrow.  He's working on his thesis in photography and his focus in on skyscrapers!  When he comes back and we get together, he is going to reserve a photography studio for us to play around in!  My other career coach, Anna, is an editor for a book publishing company.  She is really cool.  They both are.  We hung out at Brainwash and they listened to me babble for a couple of hours.  They seemed to enjoy the babbling!  That or they are just that nice. Pastor Paul from City Church could not have picked two better people for career coaches for me.  They are two young, successful and cool people.  I know God is really at work in my life.  It's very evident.

About this computer thing, I'm still not sure how I'm suppose to do my photography with my assigned career coach without it.  I also took photos for CityTeam Monday.  It appears as though the guy who threw me under the bus on all this split town today.  Thanks.  I don't want this to be a negative blog.  There's some crazy stuff going on at CityTeam.  It will be okay.  Lots of are people losing it.  I'm just trying to do the right thing.  I do have a place to keep this computer but won't see him until Sunday.  It's just kind of ridiculous.  Rules.  Maybe I should break them some more.  It was only an issue because - whatever.  I'll figure it out.

Perhaps I'll get this posted before Susan leaves after all.  I should keep it short.  I feel like just hanging out and enjoying the bands tonight at Brainwash before I have to back and be lead tonight.  Gina and I are taking photos in the morning!  I look forward to that.

I know you've been reading these now Sus.  Thanks.  Now I have a real editor who is going to read this - not officially, but I will ask her opinion.  You were a great one.  Where ever you are when you read this, have a safe trip home and enjoy yourself.  Don't be sad.  I'll be fine.  Greg sounds like a good guy.  Enjoy that beautiful river city you'll once again call home.  "Fare you well"

Fare you well, my honey, fare you well my only true one.
All the birds that were singing are flown, except you alone.

Going to leave this brokedown palace,
On my hand and knees, I will roll, roll, roll.
Make myself a bed by the waterside,
In my time, I will roll, roll roll.

In a bed, in a bed, by the waterside I will lay my head.
Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul.

River going to take me, sing sweet and sleepy,
Sing me sweet and sleepy all the way back home.
Its a far gone lullaby, sung many years ago.
Mama, mama many worlds Ive come since I first left home.

Goin home, goin home, by the waterside I will rest my bones,
Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul.

Going to plant a weeping willow,
On the banks green edge it will grow, grow, grow.
Sing a lullaby beside the water,
Lovers come and go, the river roll, roll, roll.

Fare you well, fare you well, I love you more than words can tell,
Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul.