Arms Wide Open

I can't believe I wrote an entire blog and it somehow disappeared.  I almost said "forget it!"  Then a new old friend sent me a message.  He said he read my blog.  He said he didn't want to read it but he did anyway.  He admitted something to me, but I think he was basically admitting it to himself.  I have to rewrite it.  It will be much shorter for reason's I just don't have the energy to explain.  I'll write it because I think it might actually be helping people.  It helps me - I think.  I'm a person. 

Despite what I just wrote, I'm not even sure what this blog is anymore.  I always tried to believe it may be a good thing.  I'm sorry if I hurt anyone with this blog, but I really wanted it to help.  The Program I was in seems to think I was hurting people even if I was using nicknames.  I don't really know what happened there.  I never expected I would be asked to leave that program.  I was told that "This program was not for me" by someone I thought gave a lot of grace.  It seems someone who ruled more by truth does in fact care about me. It confuses me.  I'll try to move on and let them have their privacy.  I did care about that program a lot.  I still do, but I can't do much about it if I'm not allowed to be there.   I really am sorry.

It didn't even seem to be about my encounter Saturday.  Well, that got me into the office, but I thought they might be symathetic to all that I was going through.  I have been going through a lot.  Moving is hard.  Especially if your helping someone move across country.  Especially if that someone is your highschool sweetheart you've known 23 years and your not going with her because you were such a hardcore addict you ruined everything good she ever did for you.  And there's just more.  

During my moving my ex-wife, I was also moving back and forth at the program I was in.  It was like musical rooms.  It started a while back because my roommate hated me, so I moved from room 3 to room 10.  I was fine in room 10.  My old roommate relapsed.  The only time I wrote something bad about people is when they were doing something really bad.  And, I wasn't even writing something bad about them.  I was venting the truth about the reality of their actions.  It seems everytime someone was doing something wrong in this blog - they were in trouble.  This apparently includes me.  I didn't leave my behavior out because I needed people to believe in me.  I'm a sick person.  Some of you have said not to be so hard on myself about it and I get that, but it had me pretty close to using and that's not good at all.  What I did is not exactly normal either.

Before the "just more" I mentioned, I decided the only way I would handle anything including my ex-wife's departure and homelessness was clean.  I did get to help her a lot.  I wasn't homeless.  I had hope.  I use to think if there was ever a day for me to relapse, it was the day after she left.  I wasn't really thinking that way but I did decide to make plans with a friend that day just to have something to look forward too.  I'm still glad I did.  I may have used if I didn't have to meet with my friend.  I wanted to use in the situation I was in.  I did know it would ruin everything.

I thought telling the truth was going to help me.  I knew it might first hurt me.  I hurt myself.  I thought I was going to be put on restriction.  I needed the truth to set me free.  It may have.  I had always planned on finishing that program.  I cared about that program and did more for that program than my mistakes should have been worth I felt.  I don't get it.  I miss those guys.  I care about them.

When I was asked to leave, I basically put on a hooded sweatshirt and a backpack and started walking.  It felt way to familiar.  I didn't want to use, but I thought, "How can't I out here?"   I prayed to God, "Please help me.  I'll never make it through the night."

I didn't want to but I turned to a good friend for encouragement.  If it's not obvious I'm trying to get away from including people in this blog.  So many say it helps, but it was never suppose to hurt anyone.  I don't even know what I'm saying.  I finally kind of put a cry out for help and got overwhelming support litterally from all over the world.

I was ultimately taken in by some friends I have known in San Francisco for a while now.  My friend in his wife have been there for me over the years way more than anyone should have to.  Now they are really here for me.  I hope I can help them in some way.  

My friend who I first turned to really helped and encouraged me - as usual.  She gave me a reason to believe I was going to get through this.   I told her "I'm going to figure this out."  I tried to get into a shelter but would ultimately have my caring friends offer to help.  She was glad I had somewhere to go.  She said:

Good. Stay in touch. I wish I could help.

I simply replied to her with words this blog was always supposed to consist of.  The Truth:

I will and you are

thank you

I mean that

I am not sure what this blogs future is or if it even has one any more.  I'm trying to at least believe that perhaps The Truth may have at least set me free.  I had always intended on completing that program because I cared about it and the guys in it.  I still do.  I always wanted people to see it for the great program it was and the guys for the great guys they were - even the ones who were struggling.  I guess this doesn't meant that's what I did.  I'm human. Thanks everyone for helping me in so many ways.  "I mean that" I really am sorry if I hurt anyone.  I really never wanted to.

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything

With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open

[Guitar Break]

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I'll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open....wide open