Not Fade Away

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

^"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I just said to my adopters, "I hope my gratitude is evident without being annoying."  The answer, "Right on the border!"  These guys are great.  I'm a handful.

I just feel really good - right now!  Manic.  It's been mostly good lately.  It appears as though I may actually be staying at three different places.  I can be a lot to be around. Lots ah energy!   These guys are patient.  I talk to myself a lot.  I guess I think out loud when I'm thinking which is always.

I was so isolated for so many years - especially the last year before I got clean when I was mostly homeless.  Not only was I homeless but I had chemicals flowing through my veins that created constant voices in my head.  I suspect I'm not completely socially there yet.  I'm not an idiot but I feel like one.  I said to my friend I am staying with, "Back when I was homeless, I just couldn't see a way out."  Then I realized I had been sleeping on his couch and said, "Well, I guess I'm still homeless!"  He said, "Back when you were using."  Right.  No one would let me sleep on their couch - including Susan anymore.  San Francisco didn't even want me sleeping on their sidewalk!  Not only can I see a way out now, I am on my way out.

I went to a recovery meeting at my old program tonight (M0nday 8/13).  I miss those guys a lot.  I love them.  I believe I am exactly where I am suppose to be though.  Despite my mistake,  it seems God has once again found a way to take my darkness and turn it into something better for me.  I recently heard someone say that "when God closes one door, he opens another - however the hallway between may be a witch!"  Amen to that.   

It's not like I haven't been working hard for God and having faith.  It seems I needed to be out of that program for many reasons I can now see.  I could see them before but had no intentions of doing anything other than completing that program - no matter how hard it was.  Not that I had anywhere to go.  Things are really just happening for me.  It's hard to believe.

I like where I seem to be heading.  Things actually feel right.   This doesn't mean my mistakes don't create reasons for me to worry.  I was kind of hurt that my program looked at what I was doing to be so wrong.  I was going through such a hard time.  I messed up and told the truth.  We were told as long as we didn't steal, fight or use and we were telling the truth we weren't in trouble.  Kicking me out had me in a lot of trouble and very close to using.  Thank God for all these loving friends I have.  It's not like I wasn't wrong.  I was, but I was a little hurt by it all.

I need to deal with my issues around that.  For as wrong as it was and as wrong as it felt after, lately I recall it differently.  In fact I thought about seeking her out the other day.  I didn't and I won't but....  It's kind of like recently doing a drug.  The hangover sucks but the remedy is more.  I'm going to deal with those issues.  It really is more about love I think.  Not that that had anything to do with love.  I'm just kind of messed up over it still.  Move on Dave.

I'm getting some things tomorrow!  They may not sound like much to most, but they are the world to me.  Especially one of them.  I'm an emotional wreck sometimes.  Wait, I thought I was happy a few seconds ago.  I was.  Manic.  Wait, maybe that emotion was happy?

My mistake leaves me with fear, but I seem to be better off now thanks to my dark little angel (issues).  Lust.  Perhaps I should be thanking The Truth instead.  The dark little angel may have left me with something that could turn really dark for me.  I have to accept that reality is out of my hands now, but I have faith I'll be okay.  I have to learn from it.  Unbelievably, I've had some eurphoric recall lately but I'm not surprised.  It's just the nature of the beast.

Overall, I'm so optimistic.  My morning run is so beautiful.  My new running route is a little over four miles.  I run through the beautiful Golden Gate Park Panhandle.

Susan (sorry but ex-wife is just to unpersonalized for her) and I got Phil (get over it Phil, you're a dog!) at Golden Gate Park while I was at (another inpatient program) years ago.  Best not to slip back into old behaviors Dave.  Ex-Wife and I got "Bubba" (Happy Phil? Oh, wait.  That's a nickname.  Crap.) from (a dog rescue organization named after a band we once followed around the country) in Golden Gate Park (Do I sense passive aggressive resentment?  I was wrong.  There's my part.)  Our dog was named after (a band we use to follow around the country's band member).  (That band we use to follow around the country's band member) knows this!  Man, I'm a little (female dog).  My Ex-wife worked with a woman who's kids went to school with (that band we use to follow around the country's band member)'s kids and would go to his house for parties.  She told him she had a friend whose dog was named after him!  I think that's pretty cool.  (I promise there is grammatical issues in this paragraph.)

I do love my morning run.  It is kind of nice to be out of the hood.  I called it the burbs at first.  Where my friends I am staying with live is still pretty urban, but it's not Sixth Street.  I love running through the panhandle in the morning.  It's so beautiful. I do fine until I reach Golden Gate Park.  Some crazy bicyclist likely painted this on the path.

"Death Monsters Ahead"

On our way to adopt Phil from Golden Gate Park, we rode our bikes and I saw this on the pathway for the first time.  I told Phil this very important thing.  Susan always reminded me of how I told Phil to watch out for the "Death Monsters" that day.  They are!  Especially for bicyclist and little bitty dogs!  Remember, we have a 25 pound vehicle compared to 2000 pounds!  I don't know why so many motorists hate us.  We're doing everyone a favor!  Just my opinion!

Anyway, when I have seen that painted on the ground, I have usually broken down.  Susan also headed up the bicycling program in the Bay Area.  Golden Gate Park meant a lot to us, but I won't relive all that.  It's just still hard sometimes.

Plus, I shot up in every bathroom in Golden Gate Park.  I run by this one each morning.

This one was no exception.

On my way home, I usually run thr0ugh Alamo Square.  Susan and I lived on Steiner Street in The Lower Haight about 2 blocks from Alamo Square when we first moved to San Francisco.  I do have good memories too, but even they can be hard right now.

This was taken on a day that wasn't foggy.  And yes, one of those is the home from the TV show Full House.

(Thursday 8-16)

Okay, so now it's Thursday night.  I need to get this blog done.  I have been so busy these past few days.  I have been going to an outpatient rehab in The City.  I'm staying with some wonderful people in Bernal Heights now which is about four miles away.  Talk about "the burbs".  It makes for a great bicycle commute.  My friend here said it was to urban for her at first.  I guess it's relative to where you're coming from.  This neighborhood is so beautiful.  

Talk about hilly!  Man!  It just makes me stronger.  And tired! I'm loving running up and down and riding my bike up and down these hills.  I mean, these are hills!  I was riding my bike down one yesterday and my back tire was locked up the entire way down the hill - but I didn't stop!  It was a little unnerving!  So today, I came upon one just as steep.  I started to go down and thought, "Perhaps it's time to start learning from near injury situations"  I'm tired of being in pain - so I walked it down the hill.  I think my rule is, if the sidewalk along the road has to be steps, perhaps I'll walk it.  We'll see.

This is the view from the park I run to in the mornings now.  The hills are very steep.  I love it.

This is the neighborhood

I also have my own room with a bed.  I can see Candlestick Park out my window!  

It's been foggy in the morning.  Candlestick is a dump.  It's got a lot of history though.

I am truly grateful.  I am also making a lot of progress.  I am selling photos online.  I sold three last night.  I am so grateful for that!  Thank you.  It means a lot to me.  I also have money in my bank account.  It's not a lot, but it's enough to help me get back on my feet and renew my vendors license and rent yet another storage space so I can start working again soon.  I don't want to go into how all that came about, but THANK YOU. 

I was also able to turn my phone back on so I can start communicating with my family and friends and start conducting business.  I will also likely get my website up and running again soon.  Speaking of website. I just started a Facebook photography website 5 days ago and I have had over 14,000 page views from all over the world!  That's more than twice as many as the blog and the blog has been up for over 3 months!  This is due to the fact that when those who like my site share my photos on their page, it ends up going "viral".  I was once a statistics major but marketing went along with my alcoholism better.  I'm starting to see my marketing degree was not a waste.  Which reminds me, my student loan should also be nearly paid off soon.  It was way overdue while I was homeless.  Again, thank you.  I hope what I always hoped.  That the Good working in my life would be evident if were honest, and I lived in The Truth and made Good decisions in my life.  Let's not forget, I have made some mistakes recently.  God is also full of Grace.   I still need to be vigilant.

This is my Gethro PCS Dingleberry

I don't want to keep dwelling on things (I've been told people diagnosed PTSD do that), but today I was looking at a text message I got and saw one of the last ones I got back in 2010 just before I stopped paying the bill I guess.  It said something like, "Where the #%*# are you?  Please answer me.  Even if you used!"  I had to delete it right away.  It hurt to see that.  It was from my first relapse on November 19th, 2010 - 3 1/2 months after spending a week in the ICU.  I even ended up collapsing after that time and would end up back at urgent care.  Susan drug me onto the couch but didn't know what to do because a part of the Bay Bridge had also collapsed that day and she had to deal with that too.  I remember waking up in her arms and her saying, "It's happening again!"  I came around and told her not to worry about me and I took the bus to the urgent care.   It's as if I was getting one more warning about why I needed to stop.  But, I lost everything.

I am getting some back.  God gives a lot of Grace.  It seems God was always willing to give it all back for a long time, but my hardcore will changed that possibility forever.   Somethings can never be undone.  

I promise I won't spend money on anything I don't need.  I needed this.  It was only $65.00.  It's a year old and it's Fender.  This really cute young woman who lived on Haight Street was moving to New York and didn't want to take it.  Issues.

Speaking of issues, it seems I keep getting such opportunities to act out on these issues.  This woman I recently met is nice, but I just have to be vigilant about my issues.  I think there may be a potential for double trouble!  Wow.  Talk about tempting.  I know single trouble could happen.  For many this probably wouldn't really be trouble.  I have issues.  I do know drugs wouldn't be involved, but I just got to, I don't know - know better?  I get tempted.  I want more than that some day. Hmm?

I got tested for HIV yesterday.  The councelor at the program I'm at suggested I get tested.  They test there.  Actually, they won't test someone who participated in my behavior because it's not considered high risk.  However, since I'm (or was) an IV drug user, I qualified.  (So is she.)  Negative so far.  I'm sure I'll be okay.  I need to get some more tests for other things.  I need to stay focused on recovery.  I long for "love" more than  anything.  I'm just messed up really.

I am so lucky to be loved by so many the way I am.  Speaking of love, I got to hang out with an old high school friend last Sunday.  I had not seen her in 20 years.  She's so awesome.  I loved hanging out with her and her beautiful family!  She was always a fun person to be around.  We took some great photos in front of 710 Ashbury - The Grateful Dead's house in the 60's.  I wouldn't have gotten to see her if I was still in the program.  We talked about God.  She referred to God as Love!  I get it.  She gets it.  It was so nice to hang out with an old friend.  I have some amazing not so new friends anymore here in San Francisco too.

I have been in and out of reality for years. Every time I've been in, so may have been there for me.  Now that Susan is gone, I realize just how close I feel to all of these friends who have helped me over the years.  Thank you.  

Then there are my old friends from Loveland via this Facebook addiction.  What would I do without them - even though they are 2000 miles away they really have helped.  I mean that.  Okay, now for a real video. You know our love will not fade away.

 

I wanna tell you how it's gonna be  

You're gonna give your love to me 

I wanna love you night and day  

You know our love will not fade away  

You know our love will not fade away  

Not fade away

 
My love's bigger than a Cadillac 

I try to show you but you drive me back  

Your love for me has got to be real  

You're gonna know just how I feel  

Love's real, not fade away Not fade away

I wanna tell you how it's gonna be  

You're gonna give your love to me 

I wanna love you night and day  

You know our love will not fade away  

You know our love will not fade away