See the World

My ex-wife always took reusable bags to the grocery store. So do my new adopters. Her "save the earth" habits always rubbed off on me. Plus I live in San Francisco. This morning I ran (literally) to Walgreens to get some coffee creamer. As the woman was putting it in the bag, I said, "Oh, I don't need the bag, please save it. Thank you." The guy next to me then took his couple of items out of his bag and said, "I don't need mine either. Can you reuse it?" I love when actions and words have a positive residual effect on The Universe!

Having freedom is beautiful.  With freedom comes responsibility.  I'm trying to be very responsible.  I hate the way things ended with my program.  I liked that I worked really hard and cared about the people that took care of me.  I didn't want to fight with them.  I ran by there this morning and I now know what I always knew.  We do love each other still.  It was just complicated - I'm complicated.

I really worked hard for them and I worked hard to write this blog all the time.  I didn't think they'd conflict.  It wasn't just that either.  I do want to move on.  I want to live.  I am so grateful that I still have opportunity to do so.  I feel so loved.  

Speaking of love.  I wish my heart didn't get so attached to someone sometimes.  I said in the blog, Oh Love, I had to "talk myself out of falling - in love" all the time.  (I still love that part of the song AND I'm getting a guitar soon!  I'll explain when it happens.)   I know to talk myself out of falling in love for all the obvious reasons.  Thousands of miles apart.  My needing to focus on my recovery.  Her being way to beautiful, sweet, intelligent and single to remain that way....I'm just trying to learn to love a beautiful woman friend for just that.  I haven't been single since I was seventeen.  I want to be.  I really do.  I have the mind of a teenager.  And the libido!  I think that's been established!  

It's not as if it's been a totally bad thing for this fantasy land head of mine.  It beats other crap that occupies my head!  The reality of my beautiful friend is that she will always have been the person who was there for me in three of the hardest times I've recently faced.  In fact, I might have used if I didn't have her the other day to talk to.  I was really close to saying "f-it".  Really close.   

Right after I walked out of that program with my hooded sweatshirt and backpack on (I instantly and unconsciously defaulted to homeless wear), I walked past a burning cigarette and started to bend down to pick it up and thought, "NO!".  Then, I walked over a brand new syringe on the corner one block from a place I could have gotten speed right then and there.  I considered making a left turn to go and I could have escaped it all in just minutes!  I thought about how much money I had.  I thought I had $20 to my name.  Enough, but not for what I wanted.  It turns out I had $77.00.  I didn't know that until I went to Walgreens this morning.   Twenty could have gotten me high, but again, I thought "NO!"    

Reluctantly, I went to brainwash and reached out to her on this computer.  Thank God she was readily available.  She was very supportive and very concerned.  She also made one thing clear and was right to say this - "No Streets!"  I really believed I wouldn't make it through the night.  She convinced me it was okay to reach out for help.  More than anything I decided I didn't want to be this person that is worried about anymore.  I said, "I'm going to figure this out."   I posted on Facebook that I was "exited" and then went to try to get into a shelter.  I was to late, but was going to try again in the afternoon.  It likely wasn't going to happen.  Once I came back, I had lots of support and luckily ended up with someone taking me in.  I just have to love her for being there for me.  So many of you were - especially my new adopters.  Thank you.

Man, this city if full of beautiful women.  (Sounds like I'm ready to be committed, huh?)  It can't be denied.  It's not a bad thing for women to be so healthy and beautiful as long as I'm not lusting over them and I'm not.  

There's nothing like running through the Golden Gate Park panhandle in the morning with all these beautiful people.  When I use to get high, I hated when the runners would come out.  That meant it was time for me to crawl back into a coffin or a grave somewhere.  

 Now, I love having my "runners high" with all my fellow runners!  Then I work out on the rooftop deck at my new residence.  I am so grateful for these guys.  I just came out of a program where I worked my butt off.  I will do the same for them and compensate them when I can.  They just asked me to take it slow and focus on my recovery.  They are so kind.  Oh yeah, and no tweaker chicks.  I get that one!  Actually, no chicks at all we agree might make sense for a bit.  I'm always looking outside of myself to change the way I feel.  Looking inward and upward seems to have the most benefit - for everyone. 

 Nice to know my Bike is Safe.

Perv.

I love the rooftop deck!  Trees!

Maddie is a larger version of Cerise.  She's a big ball of love!

Mr. Tumnus loves his matching chair

Stella Blue is the young, curious and playful one!

The old strays are getting used to the new stray.  My adopters call me their two legged stray.  They said I was helping by "keeping them from getting a dog."  Like I said, "Anyway I can help!" 

I love everything about my new residence - except!  They have this "art" hanging above their TV.  I like art but....

My friend said, "At least you're not in a Pittsburgh household."  I'd probably choose homelessness!  Not really.  Hmm?

Having this unexpected new found freedom has been nice.  Last night I went to listen to the Foo Fighters play at Golden Gate Park.  I just had to.  I wanted to before, but figured I'd be in rehab and wouldn't have time.  I had time.  Golden Gate Park is exactly two mile from here, but the actual concert was probably five.  It's a BIG park!  It's very hilly from here to there - I rode my bike.  It was great exercise.  My legs were so tired.  In fact, so was I.  I came back and fell asleep sitting up while they watched TV!  That's good for me.  I also slept good last night!  

It was so awesome hearing that music live.  I didn't have at ticket but I know the in's and out's Golden Gate Park pretty well  (go figure) and was able to get on a trail on the other side of a fence.  I could hear them great - for free!  It was like hearing a soundtrack of my past 4 1/2 months.  I've listened to them while not sleeping, while running and used many of the songs as blog titles.    The played, White Limo, All My Life, Rope, The Pretender, Hero, Learn to Fly, (New song?), Walk, One of these Days, (New song, Home??) Best of you and Everlong.  (Yeah, I was a set list writer dork).  I could write a blog and still could write a blog about every song - probably even the new ones.  They seemed to play every one of their songs I ever used in a blog!  I sat there in the woods and cried during Learn to Fly:

Run and tell all of the angels
This could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution
Cause this one is a lie....

Looking to the sky to save me....

and of course Walk.:

A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?.....

....Now
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind?
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a liar
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first decline another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I'm on my knees
I never wanna die
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm running through the fire
Forever, whatever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I'll never say goodbye
Forever, whatever
Forever, whatever

I'm learning to walk again.....
   

That's not all the lyrics of course to those songs.  I can really relate to all of them in both of those songs but those particular lyrics were kind of emotional for me to hear.   I hate to sound like such a baby but I just couldn't help it.  I'm an emotional wreck sometimes.  I feel ridiculous sometimes

Music just speaks to me.  I've been listening to See the World, by Gomez a lot lately.  Even before my recent events.  I definately feel "warn out and a bit broken."   I really want to "...put things right" this time.  I do.  Then, I really do want to "See the World."  Perhaps then I can find an "...old fashioned girl."  (I did so good with the last one I had!)  And, I'm hoping that "The things that are given, not won, are the things that (I) earned."