Soul Shine

Don't believe a word I say!  That's not true.  If I said I might stop writing, well, don't believe that.  It seems to be a part of my soul.  Perhaps I am attempting to reveal my soul to all of you.  Have I made mistakes with my writing?  I believe so.  This is actually kind of hard to do sometimes.  I promise you, I care about people a lot.  I'm going to try to be careful not to upset anyone again.  I think I know what I'm doing.  I think.

I want people to see God working in my life because it truly is a miracle in a lot of ways.  I'm no one special - God is.  In fact, if you've read this blog for a while, you know I'm pretty messed up.  God still really seems to care.  My will can be all wrong.  I hoped that would never have to be so evident again.

Months ago, I thought naming the program that actually helped saved my life was okay.  Hind sight - I should have made up a nickname for it too.  I really wanted people to know it was an amazingly good place.  It still is.  What I did might have been wrong, I don't know.  Just because I have little problem being brutally honest with the truth doesn't make it right for everyone in every situation.  Some people just aren't ready for it.  There was a time when I wasn't.  That's a long story.  I do understand and tried to protect everyone or give credit to those who deserve it!  I promise you I tried to care about everyone - even when they hated me.

I was thinking while I was running to Golden Gate Park this morning, "Man if someone like me loves people so much, can you imagine how much God must love us!"  I really do believe that.  Running is very meditative to me.  I love running with my head phones on.  Music is part of my soul.  I always said if music and art comes from ones true experiences, and they pour it out from their soul, in some ways I believe that is God speaking to us.  It really seems nothing happens by accident in this universe.

My life was recently full of mistakes.  I'm human and I was really struggling with a lot.  I also had a lot I had to do and I'm glad I did what I did to help my ex-wife.  Today is hard too.  It would have been our sixteenth wedding anniversary.  This city meant so much to all that too.

I made a big mistake last Saturday.  It was wrong.  I still may pay for it, but I do believe everything will be okay.  There are no guarantees.  She might have been my little dark angel.  I did feel sorry for her and I did try to be the person I should have been to her at first - but ultimately gave in.  She actually ended up choosing to confess she stole something from me because she felt bad.   She thought I'd hate her, but I told her what she did was good.  What a love story, huh?   People on drugs are mixed up.  I wasn't on drugs!  I actually had previously prided myself for not behaving such a way while clear headed.   Not sure I was clear headed in every way.  The whole thing was intoxicating.  I use to get high before I got high in some ways.  Thankfully I didn't really get high.  Enough.

What I did was wrong, but I did want to be honest after the fact.  Actually, I kind of had to be.  This may have set me free.   It doesn't mean that there weren't some pretty dark feeling moments in the days following.  These past few weeks have just been hard.  I didn't use and I am stronger for it and I will remain vigilant.

I really wanted to finish that program and I planned to.  I care about all the people there.   I really liked being there for new guys and a couple of young guys and an older guy too.  I miss them.  I liked helping people in need from the neighborhood.  It was always very rewarding to help people.  I will find a way to help people.

I knew that someday after graduating, I would find my way back to "my people".  I hoped and still hope that I will stay in touch with some of those guys I love from that program.  However, my crowd has always been the music crowd.  There is an amazingly loving and even clean community of people just like me.  I will also find my way back to my artist friends soon enough.  Sooner than if I would have stayed in the program. 

I never wanted to impose upon my friends like this, but I really will do all I can to help them out and to get on my own ASAP.  They are telling me not to rush.  I am very grateful for them.   They are so incredibly hospitable.  And, they are "my people!"  Not sure what I did to deserve this.  Well, actually I guess I am.  Which reminds me, I do have a house rule - no tweakers.   In all seriousness, I'd like to believe that my caring about people and telling The Truth is why I deserve this.   We've established I definitely had my part in wrong doing.  I still make mistakes.

For now, I don't even run towards that part of The City.  I run towards the ocean.  It's beautiful.  I am in an environment where there will be less temptations to use and less stress than there was on 6th street.  I care about 6th Street, but it's nice to stay in a beautiful home in "the burbs."   (compared to 6th Street anyway.)  Actually it is still very urban and very near everything.  It's not the ghetto.

My runs the past couple of mornings have been through The Fillmore and The Haight on my four mile round trip run to Golden Gate Park in back from the Western Addition where I am now staying.

I am also continuing to work a strong recovery program.  One that actually makes a lot of sense right now.  I plan on doing an outpatient program and I'm not saying where!  

Tonight, I'll ride my bike to Golden Gate Park.  I'm going to listen to Beck, The Foo Fighters and Neil Young.  I love San Francisco.  Time to let the soul shine.

Speaking of "my people", years ago when I lived in Cincinnati, I lived in a two family house with and old high school friend.  He owned this awesome little music venue up the road.  He had a great ear for music.  He could always find some good up and coming bands.  Some of them would come to that house and hang out before their shows.  I remember when The Derrik Trucks Band use to play there.  Derrik Trucks was only 15 the first time he played there!  It might have been obvious he was going to be good being an Allman Brother kid.  He is now one of the greatest guitar players in the world.
 
I actually ran into him and his band in San Francisco years ago and talked about them playing my friends venue.  On New Years Eve this past year, he was playing at the Warfield with his wife, Susan Tedeski and I saw him walking down Market Street.  I wanted to say something, but unfortunately, I was kind of out of my head back then.  He probably wouldn't have remembered me, but he might have remembered my friend and his club.  Those were some fun days.   I hope he doesn't mind I mentioned him in this blog! :)

When you can't find the light,
That got you through a cloudy day,
When the stars ain't shinin' bright,
You feel like you've lost you're way,
When those candle lights of home,
Burn so very far away,
Now you got to let your soul shine,
Just like my daddy used to say.

[Chorus]
He used to say soulshine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

I grew up thinkin' that I had it made,
Gonna make it on my own.
Life can take the strongest man,
Make him feel so alone.
Now sometimes I feel a cold wind,
Blowin' through my achin' bones,
I think back to what my daddy said,
He said "Boy, in the darkness before the dawn:"

[Chorus]
Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,
Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.
A woman too, God knows, she can feel like this.
And when your world seems cold, you got to let your spirit take control.

[Chorus]
Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Lord now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

Oh, it's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.