Brainwash

The one and the only!

This place is such a trip.  I shouldn't really tell these stories.  I just know I've handled myself appropriately here.  Brainwash has always been about this blog and the amazing music, art and hilarious comedy.  It doesn't even have to be comedy night either!  It has also been a place for me to stay in touch with so many who care and so many I care about.  Has there been a little long distance internet flirting?  Well, yeah, but that's harmless.  It's really more about friendship on here.  I do mean that.

My focus has been best spent while at brainwash working on this blog, communicating with friends, listening to music and viewing and creating art.  Trust me.  San Francisco is how shall we say - Loose.  Very.  Especially Folsom Street where Brainwash is.  I love this place and even being the "sex addict" I am, it's not really a bad place for me.  My addiction in that area is so much more about using meth.  That's why when me and Tweaker Chick hooked up the way we did, it was so messed up for me.  It was not me.  It was so not the real me.  I guess it was me, but it was not the me I strive to be.  I kind of see that now.  

At the outpatient program I'm in I discussed it and I explained how I had essentially reached that old familiar state of tunnel vision.  The counselor said she thought I was like the Tasmanian Devil destroying everything in it's path to get what I wanted!  It wasn't that bad, but I was in tunnel vision.  I don't like that. She wasn't all wrong either I guess.  I didn't really consider possible consequences of my behavior. I said it before, the only thing missing was that drug.  99%  of the time my "sex" addiction while using that drug was solo.  Yeah I said it.  Talk about honesty, right?  I'm making a little light of it, but I'm not proud.  I promise that.

I am trying to focus on this blog right now and not the woman, who is rather attractive I might add, a couple tables away who is provocatively putting lipstick on and winking at me!  Seriously!  I don't get it really.  I'm not a Gigolo nor do I want to be.  If I want anything now a days, it's love and affection.  Did I really just write that?  Manipulative perhaps the sex addict may be.  I think she's ready to give me some love and affection!  There is always a catch it seems around here.  She seems to be peaking over her husbands shoulder.  I'm not sure that's who he is and he might be just as into it as her.  My friend is here now.  I'll resume this later.

(Later) 

So where was I.  Brainwash.  Still here.  She's gone.  Thankfully.  She was pretty hot.  She must have been wasted.  Who knows - he could of been up for it too.  Everything goes in this town!  I don't know though, every time he walked away she'd take her wedding ring off and wink, put on lips stick, lick her lips, make like she had glasses on with her fingers.....(I know I was like, huh?)....It was really comical.  I love the comedy here!  I have no clue....Makes me laugh though.  I'm just glad she's gone really.

I was supposed to meet my volunteer counselor who was my case manager at that program I got kicked out of.   He also taught a class there on sex addiction.  Isn't that funny?  He couldn't make it.  She was here!  Luckily my volunteer career coaches showed up and we did what I always do at brainwash - take care of business.  I mean, we had a nice time too.  They are awesome.  My book editor friend said in reference to my writing,  "Yeah, you need some editing!"  I know.  I'm not so interested in a book thing.  It's not out of the question, but my focus needs to be photography.  This blog is just that - a blog.   It matters.  A lot.  To those it matters to - it matters and for that I'm grateful.  It matters volumes to me.

My focus is my photography right now.  My other mentor is an amazing photographer.  He is getting his masters in photography and is doing his thesis on skyscraper photography!  He just got back from New York and Chicago.  We mostly looked at his photos.  They are awesome.  Inspiring.  Both of those guys are God sends!  They are really nice and really care.  It also just so happens he was a web designer and got my website mostly up for me.  I was having issues with my FTP Client and downloading my jpegs.  Yeah.  It's mostly up now.  My purchase info page is missing, but I need a new one anyway.  My contact info is also out of date.  My old stand is little in the photo, but it worked though.  I used to push it down on a cart from Minna and 7th.  It was good exercise.  That will resume soon enough but I'll write about that some other time for now here is my website:

www.beatyphoto.com

I love brainwash despite all the slutty women.  Despite?  Actually, this place has never been about that for me.  It's not always that way either.  There has been a couple "opportunities".  I promise, I'm not all that.  I don't want to be.  I really want a friend....I had a great one.  I actually have lots of friends but you know what kind of friend I'm talking about.  Some day.

The first of such "opportunities" was the best of all! I wasn't going to tell this, but I guess I have to now.  I really am not interested in hooking up like this.  I honestly never have been - even before I was with Susan.  I promise.  I was like 12 right?  Actually, 17.  She was 12.  Not really!  I think she was 15 though. Wow.   

Still, my screw ups that occurred later in that department were all about being super high and it's a long story really but....I have issues.  I'm working on those and doing really good lately I might add.  Right?  One little slip during a really, really hard time.    It was the day after the person I had been with one way or another for 23 years left San Francisco.  For years I feared that possible day.  I told someone about what happened that morning, and they said, "Man, that's Biblical."  That's what I thought.  I didn't use!

Brainwash is a great place for me to write and stay connected, but it's also a great place for art, music and comedy!  It's just a cool place.  People are so cool here.  One of these days I am going to play open mic here.  Actually, I started jamming with two other guys recently and we sounded really good.  Man that was fun.  Perhaps the three of us can play here.  Who knows?  I displayed my photos here in June and actually sold a couple of photos.  After I agreed to display them, it occurred to me that doing so might have gone against program rules.  I was honest about it.  I wasn't really thinking about selling them - I was just excited to actually be able to display my art!  I'm glad I sold a couple though, I really needed the money. I never felt like I broke rules that hurt them - if I was even breaking one.

I guess "part" of the reason I got kicked out of  that program was also because I hung out here.  I mean, at least everyone is nice here.  I honestly told them, "Yes, they serve alcohol there and people occasionally  smoke pot there."   I'm not sure if it's permitted, but it happens.  That's kind of how San Francisco rolls on a lot of things.  Drinking and smoking pot happens everywhere in San Francisco. This place is not a bar.  It's really not.  It's like a coffee shop that happens to have beer and people smoke pot in here.  People smoke pot everywhere in San Francisco.  People smoke crack and shoot up on the street that program is on.   And, you can't really put beer and pot in a syringe so I could care less about those things.  If brainwash presented an issue for me, it may have come in the form of women, but that's never been an issue for me here.  I've had two porn stars make me an "offer" while here and not once I have I taken them up on it.  Seriously.  I mean what I'm saying.  I really am not about that.  I promise you.

So Folsom Street, the street Brainwash is on, is one of the more "sex friendly" streets in San Francisco.  There are sex clubs and porn theaters on Folsom Street - which were great places to shoot up for me.  I tried to leave it at that, but sometimes...that drug....  I'd rather forget about that sick shit.  Really.  It was not me.  Darkness can steal ones soul.  It's a long story how I got to that point.  I promise that is true. It drains my sense of well being to think about it, but it also gives me strong faith today in many ways that I'll never use again.  I'm not going back.  I know that.

Darkness seemed to have a grip on this skinny little hot mess that was here one night.  My buddy Leonard Sizemore gave me permission to use his photos and his nickname many times so I will here.  He is a great guy who is going to be fine and believed in what I was doing.  I care about him a lot.  I loved hanging out with him.  In fact, as soon as I get this done, I'm going to go say hello to him.  Then I'm going to hang out with none other that The King!  That's a good night.  That's what really matters to me.  I made some good friends at that program.  I always hoped for that.

Folsom street has this yearly festival called, The Folsom Street Fair.  In fact, they are advertising it in Brainwashes window right now.  It's coming up soon.  It's just San Francisco reality folks.  You should see the photos I have of the festival!  Should I put them on here?  I should.  We'll see.  Maybe the "clean" ones.  Yeah Right.  Actually they really are. You should see the "not clean" ones.  Some of it is artistic and most of it is shocking.  I am a photographer.  Please understand that.  I'll put some really mild ones on here for now.  Brace yourselves for some San Francisco reality.

It's 80% men, but the 20%....!!  I was having trouble emailing this photo to myself so I text it to Susan and she emailed it to me.  In the subject she wrote, "Perv photo."

Of course he's there.

Because she's there.

Which means it's there.

So they do this.

 It's still encouraged to not do this.

And I would sure like to do this.

Goodness.  Where was I?  

It was Sunday.  I had gone to church that morning.  The church I attend is full of very beautiful women, but I've said it before, that's not why I go there.  However, I started thinking, "Perhaps some day I will meet a nice, beautiful Christian woman to settle down with."  Yeah, right.

Anyway, this hot little mess of a blond was sitting next to me and Leonard.  I could tell she was having a hard day.  We started talking.  She just seemed stressed out.  It turns out she was from New York.  She was leaving San Francisco that night (thankfully) and then heading to to Las Vegas and then to Los Angeles.  Then she was heading back to New York.  It was as if she was on some kind of tour.  Since we were on Folsom Street, she started talking about the Folsom Street Fair.  She said New York has one, but it doesn't compare to San Francisco's.  I bet.  She said she loved being surrounded by all "The Daddies!"  Okay!

Leonard and I had to get back, but before we left, she said to me, "If you want to get a hold of me, look me up at www.(her porn site address).com."  Okay!!  Leonard and I got a good laugh out of that one.  He calls her "Kinky".  Every now an then he'll ask, "You talk to Kinky?"  As we walked back that night, I said to him, "Here I was thinking about how I was going to meet this nice Christian girl some day." and he replied, "And that's not her!"  He's got that right!  I miss him.  He always made me smile.  I'll see him soon enough.

I'm glad my last day at that program was spent with him.  We had to run some errands together.   Leonard get's a little freaked out on the bus.  Leonard loves San Francisco but hates the hills:

He was really tired and hoped he could sleep until we got to our destination

He got a little nervous but managed to hold it together on the flat parts of the ride.

But, when we got to the hilly part.....

It's so good to be back at Brainwash.  It was this place that allowed me to post so many blogs I have written and reconnect with so many old friends and make some new ones as well.  Friends that really matter.  And, some really special ones.  I came here the day I got "exited" from that program having absolutely no idea what to do or where to go. I was so numb and confused.  It was off the street and this place felt as close to home as anything possibly could have at that point.  It's here I started to work out the path to where I am today - a beautiful place in life.  I recently heard someone say, when God closes one door, God opens another, but the hallway in between can be at witch!  Amen to that.  

I love this place.  The woman playing guitar right now is playing a song named appropriately enough - California.  It's a beautiful song!  The chorus goes, "Get yourself to California..."  Please do my long distance friends - as soon it makes sense for us.  Check her out.  She's got a beautiful voice.  She's pretty beautiful too - go figure.  Be sure to listen to that fourth song down, California.  To my out of town friends - it's meant for you!

http://www.katdevlin.com/music.html 

I'll end this here.  One of my cousins just sent me a Facebook message asking, "What's you address these days?"  My answer?  "Good question."  Right now it's Brainwash.

The video below is pretty cool.  It gives a nice feel of what this place is all about.   The dude with the beard was just sitting right next to me.  There are lots of familiar faces.  Brainwash was my home away from my program for a few months.