Well, I am on restriction now. I don’t know for how long. I’m kind of confused right now. I’m not surprised that I’m on restriction. I figured Trudy might read this. She wants me to talk to Jonathon tomorrow. That should be fun. I guess I do appreciate her caring enough about me to put me on restriction. It still sucks. It’s what I did that sucks. I feel like this blog and those who read it helped me, Many of you have already had a big part of helping me through this. Thank you.
I guess it started with Gina. As much as I really wanted to, I just couldn’t sit there with her and act like nothing happened. I can’t lie to people. I did that my whole life. I can’t anymore. I have to be genuine. This doesn’t mean I can’t keep appropriate secrets. It’s not about keeping secrets, it’s more about confidence. I don’t like keeping others bad secrets, but will. If I’m bothered by something that someone else did, I would simply explain to someone that I didn’t want to talk about someone else. It’s more about being trusted to be confided in. As far as keeping bad secrets, I really do believe that everything done in the dark will come to the light at some point.
I use to sometimes believe that one day I would have convince the entire world to tell all of their secrets to everyone so we could all get to heaven. I would possibly have to do so from prison and I would maybe have to convince everyone to use meth so they could here the voices. Honesty is important but I was insane. There has always ended up being a little truth to all the insanity. In fact, it seems the more I live in the truth, the more apparent the truth is around me. I use to believe that my sharing all of my truth would reveal your truth to me. I had a connection to something. Sometimes, it is just easy for me to see what people are doing wrong - especially when part of what they are doing wrong is focusing on me.
I didn’t want to know and I don’t need to know anyone’s truth, but, in some cases my truth actually has revealed the truth of others to me - in a good trusting way with some of you. And, you can always trust me with that. I promise. And, thank you. It gives me faith that maybe I am helping some of you. I mean that. I actually take what I am doing very seriously. I know I joke a lot, but this is very serious to me. I just like to keep it light sometimes I guess. I will however keep things in confidence that people share with me - especially when they make that clear or it is just obviously clear.
When I have talked about peoples actions after their actions have become too much to sit back and ignore, it is actually more out of love - even when I can‘t see it that way in the moment. It’s more out of, “You better open your eyes to what you are doing here.” It’s usually really only when it’s being done to me - like Rudy trying to fight me. I still love him, but he just wouldn’t get it. It seems every time someone comes up in this blog in some kind of negative way, they’re in trouble. Me included. It doesn’t always feel like love either. I can be angry or confused or in my recent case - afraid. I feared nothing until Saturday. I wasn’t exactly prepared for something like that to happen but it didn’t stop me. I am trying to have faith everything will be okay. I’m been through this enough to know that it’s probably okay. I had to take a leap of faith in writing this. I wish I never did what I did, but I can’t change that now. I couldn’t pretend it never happened either - especially for the sake of what this blog is truly supposed to be all about. Trust and Truth. Why does my nature try to go against these things sometimes? I have to try to believe that God can take my wrong doing and turn it into something Good as I believe he always can. It doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for me. I hope my truth counts for something. One of my good friends suggested something that someone once suggested to him in a similar situation. He suggested I “get over myself.” I’m trying!
I prided myself on being a good person who could be transparent with my actions for 4 1/2 months without feeling this way. What I did was wrong - it’s over. So many supported me. I love the support I get from my friends - Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids! I can’t tell how much it means that it matters to them what I am doing. I owe a lot to them, but I know they don’t feel that I owe them anything.
I really worried what it might mean for me to tell sleepless. It meant the same thing it meant the last time I was going through something really hard. I just feel that much closer to her. She really made a huge difference in the way I feel. This time was different. She did not judge me. Actually - she gets me.
I kind of liked our long distance “friendship” and I was believing it might actually keep me from doing something like what I did. It didn’t. This doesn’t mean The Universe didn’t try out to stop me with one of those little signs. For years reminders of why I shouldn’t do something wrong before I do something wrong have appeared to me.
I used to play Street poker. I would see playing cards lying on the ground in my path. I started trying to remember what cards I had last seen and try to make some kind of hand. Like the rest of my messed up life, I pretty much made up the rules. It seems I saw every card out there, but realized after doing this for some time that I never saw aces. My mind determined that if I started finding aces, I was in trouble.
Years ago after this determination, I started finding aces one day. Susan was out of town and I was really messed up. I found four aces in four days. The ace of spades on the third day outside of a really dark place in which I would use sometimes. All four were found in places that mattered somehow. I can’t remember the details, but I think I wrote about it a long time ago. I may start a “classic” Beaty’s Babbling Brain Blog some day. I read a blog I wrote in 2006 named Contrails. It was very hard for me to read.
The fourth ace, which I know was red - it seems like it was the ace of hearts, was found on my doorstep as I walked out to get more speed. I can’t remember what bad happened after that, but plenty bad would occur in time. I thought that might have been my crossing over to the dark side.
The day I relapsed in 2010 after I had cleaned up after being in the ICU, I was finding myself in tunnel vision. I was in my van in South San Francisco and I was deciding that I probably was going to use. Just then, this truck drove by me. On the side of the truck was four aces. I took a photo with my phone I recently found. It's still on the phone but has no service right now or I'd post it here.
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| I did find these photos in an old blog I wrote - Four of a Kind. These are the actual aces I found. |
After that, I went to Walgreen's to buy a syringe. The line to the pharmacy was extra long. In that line was a good friend of mine who was in recovery. I went to the Walgreen's across the street.
I don’t mean to be so dramatic about things but if anyone ever understood what my using turns into, they might understand. It is something I can never do again. I need to remember how bad that pain and insanity feels. I know that. I won’t use again.
I had been looking for something that is very important to Sleepless. Tweaker Chick found that something for me as we walked down the street together. I thought, “Hey, I was looking for that. I can use that for…” I knew this but still did what I did - the wrong thing. I have plowed through God’s subtle little reminders before. I can’t do this ever again. I was in tunnel vision. I had made up my mind I was going to be with her by that point. That’s not okay. I should have let that reminder stop me. I could tell of dozens of such signs put before me over the years related to Susan and other people I love. They have always been out there. What I was looking for - The King has. I am grateful for this because it still matters to me.
It’s not like Sleepless and I are in any kind of committed anything, but I really care about her and the things she cares about. I just wanted to be honest with her about everything. My heart melts every time she types those three magic words. I trust you. I want to be trusted. It’s not as if she expects me not to be with someone if I meet someone. She has even told me “someone will adore you someday.” She also said, “I do.” For as nice is it feels for me to communicate with her like that, I think we are both grounded in the reality of our or at least my circumstances.
My reality isn’t always normal. She said the other day something like, “it has been so long for you to even know what normal is.” - or something like that. She is really right with that observation. Saturday was not normal - even by San Francisco standards. I’m not really beating myself up for it. In fact if anything, I have had some euphoric recall. It did feel good. Shooting crystal meth feels good. Feeling good doesn’t always equal good. Like one of my recovery friends reminded me, “you did not relapse” and “get over yourself“. I know what he is saying. It did feel similar to a relapse to me, however. Doing something that felt good, then regretting it and hating the way I felt for doing it. Then, after some time, the pain fades and the euphoric recall returns and I want to do it again. Many people, including those who aren’t addicts have possibly had a hangover or the likes and thought to themselves, “Never Again!” Yet done it again. I’m not saying I would, but I just know how my mind works. I like to feel good. I have felt good for rising above and doing the right thing in the past and I wouldn’t have written that last blog if I didn’t take this seriously and did not want it to happen again.
I have actually pretty much worked through it with the help of quite of few of you - especially Sleepless. She really has a way of being there for me in some hard times and really gets me through them allowing me to feel okay. This doesn’t mean its okay for me to do something like that again. Believe me, I get that. I won’t. I know in my heart the difference between right and wrong - especially when it is that blatant. I knew what I was about to do would be wrong, but I wanted to do it anyway. As we are taught here at CityTeam, I was interested in a short-term gain. In addiction and many things in life, some short-term gain can produce long-term pain. Fortunately, the opposite also applies. Short-term pain can produce long-term gain.
Sometimes painfully, I have at least held myself accountable. Everyone knows - thanks to me. Some asked, “Why would you do that to yourself?” If they mean the action - I’m addict. If they mean write this - I don’t want to do it again. My starting to write again over five months ago from the library while I was staying in the homeless shelter ultimately helped me hold myself accountable to so many for my actions. It also showed me I was loved enough to have faith to walk through all of what I feared walking through so I might actually continue something I started years ago because I always wanted it to help people - this blog. What I would have to walk through ended up being harder than I even imagined because of the residual effects of my addiction. I feared last Saturday before I knew when last Saturday would take place and I had no I idea just how much it would entail. It’s over. I’ll make it. I’m stronger. I didn’t use. I won’t do that again. I will hold myself accountable to that. I need to remember what I am striving to be - A Guardian
What it really did for me was just give me another reason to fall in love with Sleepless. Maybe I’m just addicted to Love. I met this guy out here years ago who told me that he wrote that song, Addicted to Love. I kind of believed him back then but who knows. He said it was really more being about being addicted to sex, but it the word Love just made more since. It does. I have confused the two to obtain the same feeling.
I have to talk myself out of actually falling in love all the time. So many songs are in my head about Sleepless. San Francisco loves it’s hometown bands. There are so many. One of the best ones around today is Green Day. I keep hearing that new song, Oh Love. I love the lyrics in that song that say, “Talk myself out of falling - IN LOVE! Falling in love with you!“ I do love her, but also talk myself out of it - because I love her! I bet I’m making a lot of sense. That part of the song when he changes the key of his voice when he sings “IN LOVE” just does something for me. I need to learn that song, but I probably can’t hit that high note. Something tells me I’ll sing it anyway.
I actually love a lot of people. With Sleepless and I, there is a mutual attraction but there is also reality of where I am and what I need to do which isn’t exactly clear to even me. Her support and friendship matters. So many of your support and friendship does. CityTeam’s included. I learned a long time ago that my transparency here didn’t always work in my favor. I’m not always right in the things I do either. I’ve already heard “Hey Dave, that girl over there wants you to take her to the alley!” I have no idea if I should also find this funny. Some of the guys want to high five me over it. Sometimes, I want to. I’m just being honest but I do know better.
I liked that it wasn’t possible for Sleepless and I to actually be together for a long time. I mean, I of course would love to be near her at times, but I can’t and I appreciate it because I care about both of us. The possible timing of our actually being with each other just seemed to possibly be right. If we continued to develop this loving friendship from now until the holidays (which I assume is the soonest I’d possibly be visiting Cincinnati), then anything beyond that may not necessarily be inappropriate. And, it won’t be something I would need to write about - either way! I care about what’s best for her life because that’s what loving some is really all about. What I must always hope and pray for her and everyone is Gods Will - no matter what my selfish desires may be. I mean that. If we do spend time together and I hope we do, I’m sure I’d write about what an amazing person she is and how I love being with her but if it were more it wouldn’t be blog material. I hope I make sense. I would never write about that type of intimate relationship with someone I knew I cared about. This doesn’t mean I don’t care about Tweaker Chick, but it’s just very, very different. If I really cared about her, I wouldn’t have done that I guess.
I like the type of support Sleepless offers me. I hope CityTeam doesn’t see what we have as a bad thing. I can’t see how they would - especially since Mr Ed is gone. Is that an appropriate thing to say? Or is that a long the lines of Mr. Ed’s sarcasm I felt to be inappropriate at times?
Sleepless is actually responsible for helping me through some of the toughest situations I have faced recently. I do love her for that. She is a very busy person and has taken a lot of time to help me over the past few weeks. She is a great person. She really is amazing. A couple of times I have called her “overachiever”. She is. The first time I called her that, she said “Always was. Still am.“ I see that! That woman does so much that I truly respect. Seriously. People talk about how many things I’m doing all the time. She does more really important things to this world and it seems she is a heck of a lot smarter and calmer than me about it. She once told me I was a ball of energy. I was thinking the other day that when we do actually meet up someday, we just might spontaneously combust. At least we’d go out with a bang!
Please forgive me if I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Help me out here, all my words are falling short
And there's so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way
Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into their mystery
Deep into some mystery
I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I won't ever have to lose you girl
Won't ever have to say goodbye
I won't ever have to lie
Won't ever have to say goodbye
Please forgive me if I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
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