San Francisco - Don't Stop Believin'

"San Francisco is 49 square miles surrounded by reality"

 -Paul Kantner, Jefferson Airplane

I have so many things I could write about.  It was a very eventful weekend.  It was so surreal.  Wow.  It still feels kind of dreamy.  It was reality.  The reality I have imagined for years.  It was nothing like I imagined.  It was actually all pretty good.  Thanks to so many.  I'm so needy.

San Francisco was no less surreal for the event than my weekend felt.  I wish I had time to take photos of this city yesterday.  The outer lying hills were covered in a fog blanket.  I love when the fog does that here.  It looks so amazing.  It's surreal.  It wraps tightly over the turane - like a blanket.  It's just beautiful.

When we were driving down to our storage unit, Sam Malone rode with Susan and The King rode with me.  We hit this huge bump getting on 280 which caused us to fly out of our seats.   You kind of start to speed up as 6th street turns into the freeway, but the last main road it crosses is of course higher in the middle for rain run off so it's like a roller coaster.  Not that I realized that - this time.  I always forget about that one because it's in a very flat area of town.  Susan loved some of the "losing your stomach" hills in San Francisco.  She always use to say "speed up" at these spots on Gough Street.  She'd laugh so hard.  She always said, "I'm easy to please."  It's me who's so damn complicated.  It's good to laugh.

I was telling the King how I didn't know how Susan could stand to leave this beautiful city.  I told him I have been to every major city in this country and while there are some cool ones, nothing compares to this city.  I told him about our first days at the U Haul eleven years ago.  I told him as we were heading to unload my stuff how Susan was wearing her hippie dress, we had Willie and we were just so full of hope.  As we were driving on the top deck of I-280 this amazing view of that fog blanket rolling over San Bruno Mountain was right in front of us.  I said, "Look at that.  Isn't this city so amazing?"  Then this song came on the radio and The King looked at me and said, "Is this song called San Francisco?"

The Universe just seems to unfold that way sometimes.  It was an emotional moment for me and I had to fight back tears with The King in the van with me.  I do want these hard feelings.  It beats feeling nothing at all like I use to try to do.

I think it was Gina who said to me the other day to "just think what it would be like if you weren't clean!"  Wow.  Not even imaginable.  She really had a good point.  I am so grateful to have been clean for 4 1/2 months so I could now know how  much I really do love Susan and be able to help as much as I have.  

I am so grateful to so many.  CityTeam has really helped me.  Letting me borrow their van was a big help.  All the guys have been very supportive.  Some really respect me.  One said, "You're a bigger man than me, I would have sabotaged the whole thing!"   Many offered to kidnap Phil.  Leonard Sizmore was really sad when Phil was finally gone.  Sam Malone brought rope so we could tie the mattress to the roof of the van (it was very Sanford and Son - just like old times) and told Susan, "I'm sorry Susan, but were keeping you here" as he held the rope in his hand.  Some of the guys really like Susan.  She's very likable.

I was telling the guys at CityTeam how one of my friends (Sleepless) told me a while back that "everyone loves you."  I told them how I told her, "You've never been to CityTeam!"  They quickly said, "We love you!"  They do.  In fact those who didn't for the most part are no longer with the program.  And, I was (and still am to some degree) a tweaked out mess.  Love matters.  I wish everyone always knew that.  It is what it is.

I couldn't have done this without CityTeam - especially Sam Malone and The King.  It wasn't just their moving expertise and help - it was their friendship.  They are both my roommates now.   (I lost the blog where I explained how I got moved back into room 3 again.  It wasn't anyone having a problem with me this time.  I love the King and Sam Malone.  We also have a new roommate - Georgia.  He's a very nice man.  Very quiet.  The best part is that I get to enjoy having Blue Balls in the room again!) 

Having those two help me meant a lot to me.  In the short time I have known them, I have gotten really close to them and I care about them both.  I can't even express my gratitude.  Even Susan said she felt likes she's known them forever.  She said it was as if she knew Sam Malone in a past life or something.  How is such a thing possible in this Godless Universe Sus?  Let go Dave!

They just made it an easier day.  Sam Malone's Boston accent was just cracking us up so many times!  He kept calling pieces of our furniture Bureau's or something like that in his thick Boston accent.  We were like, "What are saying???"  It was so funny sometimes.  I love Boston accents!

Every time I laugh I start to cry.  I'm so messed up right now. I just got into the fridge and it hurt.  Seeing all of the food Susan left.  All vegetarian.  Mostly healthy.  I'm going to take it to CityTeam tomorrow.   Not that anyone there eats that way!  I'm finishing up emptying this place and cleaning it up.  It just doesn't feel real.

Speaking of laughing, Susan and Sleepless were cracking me up yesterday.  They knew each other years ago before I knew either of them.  Sleepless said, "Tell Susan hello and that I would like to talk to her."  So I said, "Susan said, 'Fuck that Bitch'".  (I need to work on my bad language but I couldn't resist yesterdays opportunity.)  She didn't really say that.

Sleepless said to tell her, "I really just want to kick her ass for stealing you 25 years ago".  Susan first said, "Really?!"  Then I told her what I had said.  Susan said, "She should thank me!"  She's got a good point there!  But then Susan said, "She can have you now that I fixed you!"  Sounds good to me!  Susan is such a fixer.

I'm just glad we can all laugh about it.  Loveland produced some great people.  It really did.  The land of Love.  Love is important to me.  I even had a Grandma named - Grandma Love.  Could there be a more appropriate name for a Grandma?  She really fit the bill too.

Grandma Love at my parents house in where else?  Loveland.

On our last trip to my storage unit today (I put this photo on this blog yesterday), there was a California license plate that said, "Mrs. Love" on it.  My camera battery was dead, but the king had this little MP3 music player with a camera on it and tried to photograph it, but not sure if it worked.  If it did, I'll put it on here some time.  Everyone called my grandma Ms. Love.  Close enough.

I have so many old friends from Loveland supporting me.  I hope I'm helping them too.  It's kind of cool.  I got this message from my old friend Nicole.  She gave me permission to write what she wrote me.  She said,  "Dave that's your blog write anything you want!"  Will do Nicole.  Thanks:

Hello Dave I hope your having a great day! Just wanted to let you know I had a dream about you last night I'm not sure where it came from or why but Marty was with us lol we all 3 were riding a bike and it was beautiful we were surrounded by snowy mountain tops and we all 3 were laughing you and Marty looked exactly the same as in high school! But we all 3 were so happy anyway it was a great dream you looked at peace! Not sure why I had it nor remember it I hardly ever do that but maybe God was trying to tell me your gonna be fine and get through this! Your in my prayers! Have a good one!


I like riding a bike and snowy mountains.  Hey, come to think of it, it was foggy mountain tops that had the King and I memorized yesterday! And we were laughing! Wow.  That message was early this morning on a hard day (It's now Tuesday - the day I close this empty apartment up for good.)  A day when I needed to smile. Ironically enough, I posted that photo with Marty in the background yesterday.  The universe seems to be in tune.

Speaking of being in tune, I also have a friend I'll call "Radio".  (Haven't asked her permission to talk about her, but I like calling her Radio.)  We were never that close years ago, but we seem to have a lot in common and have become friends online.  We kind of chose the same career path for a while.  I respect her.  She has said so many kind and supportive things for a while, but I'll put the last couple of things she said:


"Makes total sense. Your brutal honesty is probably helping more people than you know!" and "Do whatever makes you stay sober. Safe driving today!"  Seriously!

I backed into a car late Sunday night.  I was so tired.  I had dropped Susan off at the San Francisco Airport after moving all weekend and sleeping maybe six hours all weekend.   I also picked Trudy, Sister Theresa and her daughters up at the same time.  I had to drive Trudy to the Oakland Airport to pick up her car.  I had dropped Sister Theresa and her kids off there Saturday morning and we met Trudy who lives in the East Bay and she drove, so her car was at the Oakland airport.  SFO and OAK are right across the bay from each other.  You can see one from the other.  However, you have to go through San Francisco, over the Bay Bridge and through Oakland to get from SFO to OAK, so it's probably about 30 miles.

Okay, I had to look it up.  It's 31.8 miles if go north and use the Bay Bridge and 31.6 miles if you go south and use the San Mateo bridge.  I'm glad I know that.  Nerd.  We took the long way, but we had to drop Sister Theresa and her daughters off in San Francisco so I guess it's okay we didn't use the most efficient route this time.  Actually, for .2 miles, I'd choose the more scenic route everyday.  They're both pretty scenic.  Traffic sucks both ways.  Whatever!

Trudy could see how tired I was.  She said, "Don't fall asleep while driving back!"  I wouldn't.  I can't even sleep when I am tired.  I can back into a car though!  It was an accident.

I was glad to have picked them up after dropping Susan off.  It helped me focus on something besides dropping Susan off at that airport. Trudy and I talked about the dynamic of the house.  I felt useful.  We talked about Rudy and how his daughter picked him up when he was asked to leave.  We both agreed he could probably use some time on the street.  Man, Trudy and I are ruthless!

Before picking Trudy up, Susan and I were waiting in the cell phone parking lot for her call.  The traffic at SFO was a nightmare.  The cops run you off right away if you sit for even a minute.  Cars are blocking lanes and are honking their horns.   Surreal to me.   All this on a late Sunday night.  

The cell phone lot is right next to these huge jet hangers with huge neon signs that say United on them.  The parking lot we sat and talked in together was on the north end of a North-South runway so all the Jumbo Jets take off from it to fly to the other side of the world.  They were so low and loud and creating whirlwinds in the fog. Their lights were reflecting in and out of the fog.  It was just so surreal.  It actually felt like it's almost over.  It just didn't feel real.  It still doesn't.


CityTeam had a picnic yesterday.  We played volleyball at the Berkeley Marina.  It was a beautiful day.  I finally got to play volleyball.  The Perv's ribs are almost healed.  Enough to play hard again.  I like to work hard and play hard.  It was great timing.  I needed to play.

Sleepless told me I looked hot!  She's to kind to me.  My working out is kind of about stress relief but I'm glad to be in good shape I guess.  That's not completely true.  Who doesn't want to look good?  I'll certainly keep doing what I'm doing if Sleepless feels that way!  :)

Sleepless was so kind to me yesterday.  She said those nice little phrases to me like, "Your doing so good."  And "I'M PROUD OF YOU."  I don't know why I need so much encouragement, but it helps - especially coming from her.  It just builds my faith in people.  People matter to me.  Sleepless is just a really nice person.  She told me, "I like being Sleepless."  I hoped so.  I have no idea what reality is, but I like talking to her when I can. The fact that she's beautiful doesn't hurt.  She's so much more too.


Mr. Ed said to me yesterday, "If you get another girl friend we're all going to kill you."  He meant it in a loving way.  They know I've got issues.  Sleepless is a good thing for me though - whatever she is.  As much as I want her near, I know it's best she's not for now.  I want to see her someday!  When it comes down to it, I always need to hope and pray for God's will for everyone.  I don't always know what that is.  I just keep trying to do the next right thing and care about people.  Sleepless has certainly captured my heart.  Thanks.  It has been a very nice distraction during this tough loss.  I know this blog is all over the place because so is my head.  It's a hard day. 


Losing Susan has been so hard.   I was apologizing to Gina for being such a baby about it.  She said to me last night, "you're not a baby....thats a hard thing....seriously, I really can't fathom it. Good byes are hard but your case is just HARD!"  Gina is nice.  Not sure Susan and her will ever get a chance to meet.   Susan just hates my girls!  Actually Susan has thanked Gina many times for being my friend.  Gina is really a good friend.  I think we're going to take photos this weekend.  I hope so.  


Gina has this awesome cow photo she wanted to give to Susan.  Gina is Vegan.  She's more hardcore than Susan when it comes to animals!  She's also very healthy.

Gina has become this awesome photographer!  I remember when she met me at my booth about seven years ago with her little point and shoot camera.  She must have still been in high school!  (Just kidding Gina!).   She has come a long way.  She was already on her way back then, but, I hope I inspired her in some way! 

My past few days have been so hard.  So many songs have come on at that the right time in all my time driving!  Yesterday I was taking Mother Theresa to Vallejo to visit Padre and that U2 song, You've got the Music in You was on.  It's about not giving up and helping people - just what I was doing.   Every time I help people I feel really good!  Even if I'm tired or sad or depressed.  It's just good to get out of myself!   I thought that song might be the last song in this blog.  Today, I heard that Christina Perry A Thousand Years song on my last trip to the U Haul and thought of Susan.   The lyrics to a song once again had me fighting back tears with The King in the car on the way my storage unit.  "I have loved you for a thousand years, I will love you for a thousand more" .   The King just looked at me and said, "A thousand years?"  I said, "yep."  

In the middle of yet another Sleepless night I heard Love Bites by Def Leppard and Open Arms by Journey and thought of you know who.  I won't get in to all those lyrics!  I wish I could at least hug her.

Years ago, I had given up once again and Susan went out and bought me Journeys greatest hits.  It of course has Don't Stop Believing on it.  On my way back from the hospital in Vallejo, that song came on.  It's like I told Sleepless, I have to keep this blog organic.  I'm just overwhelmed with feelings and short on time and so many songs ring true out there. I thought Don't stop Believing applied to all of us.  We'll be okay Sus.  I know it's hard on you too.  I'll always love you.  I know you'll be happy and that makes me happy.


For years the universe seems to have found a way to communicate with me.  It started with street likes blinking on and off as I walked down the streets - lost.  I used to suspect someone was trying to tell me something.  Then came the "the voices".  They told me everything!  Then there was always people.  People.  It's mostly people today.  

Once again, Sleepless said to me today (I think it was today - it's all becoming a blur), "You are so loved".  I don't know why.  She is so sweet.  I know I'm not the only one who has hard days in this world. I care about you a lot today Sleepless.  I'm not alone in this universe when I say that.  I promise you, YOU are so loved everyday, but especially today.   You seem to be another living angel to this world.  Don't stop believin'.

Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere

A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night

Workin' hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win
Some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night

[Instrumental Interlude]

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlights, people
Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Streetlights, people

Someone Like You - It's the Climb

Lately I've been listening to a soft rock station at night in my headphones - 96.5 KOIT.  I guess kind of like Coit Tower.  That's where I proposed to Susan.  Sometimes it helps me sleep.  I woke up for good at 4:00AM and this song was on:

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, "
Yeah

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah 

So, like I said, that's the song that was on when I woke up this morning at 4:00 AM.  I never sleep that great but I haven't really slept at all these past couple of nights.   Unfortunately, it's not always about Sleepless.  In fact I'm sorry about being such an emotional wreck about things Sleepless.  I know I'm not suppose to apologize but I am sorry.   Thanks for being the friend of a screwed up person like me.

I keep saying I'm over Susan because I am.  I mean, she is pregnant and married and moving to Cincinnati.  I don't have any ill feelings towards her for this.  It is what it is.  I want her to be happy.  I don't want to get into it all, but things would have never been this way if I wasn't so messed up. Her being pregnant and married and moving to Cincinnati actually helps - if that makes sense.  I want her to be happy and get everything she deserves in life.  I also truly see it as God's will for her.  It doesn't mean it's not hard.  I don't want to get into all that right now.  I really just want it to be over.

It's 4:50 AM and I'm sitting in an empty apartment.  She's sleeping in the back room on the bed that will be mine.  I have to take it to my storage unit today.  I don' think I'm suppose to leave CityTeam until 6:00 AM.  I just really didn't want to wake up my roommates with my weeping.  It's embarrassing, yet, I write about it for anyone to read.  I really don't care what people think of me I'd just rather not do it in front of people I guess.  This blog is suppose to have a bigger purpose.  I'm not sure that it always does, but I'm hoping brutal honesty counts for something.  Sometimes it feels like a pathetic 40 year old whining.

Sometimes I start running at 5:30.  I was going to today, but I knew today was Susan's last day here.  She is, of course sleeping but I wanted to be here this morning.  The cat's are still here.  They fly out later this morning.  I have to cook breakfast at CityTeam and then I have to go to church.  Then, Sam Malone, The King and I will finish moving this afternoon.  I drive her to the San Francisco Airport tonight.  I am also picking Trudy up at the same time, so that works out. Susan will fly back to the Bay Area in a couple of days.  When she returns, her husband will be here and they will be staying in the East Bay until she leaves for Cincinnati on Friday.  

This afternoon, I'm going to use the van to take one load to our U Haul self storage down by where 101 and 280 intersect.  I don't know why that stupid storage unit is so damn emotional to me.  Well, I guess I do.   I just clearly remember 11 years ago when we first got here, unloading some of our stuff into that storage unit because our first San Francisco apartment was so tiny.  The apartment was still very expensive.  We had our beagle Willie with us.  Susan was wearing a hippie dress.  

Although I can now clearly see what a crack head I was back then (crack use to be my drug of choice before I found the lust of my life) somehow, that wasn't obvious to me back then.  I thought everyone smoked crack all night and worked all day.  (not really, but I did).   I was full of hope.  I had my dream job at the San Francisco Chronicle in our dream city.  The city that I proposed to Susan.  The city we honeymooned. The city we visited at least ten times before moving here.  The city that meant so much to us.  The beautiful city by the Bay.  San Francisco. 

I just want this all to be over.  I think I'm starting to realize that it's not really going to be over when it's over, but it least can start to be over.  I feel like a big baby writing all this stuff all the time.  I am not even sure why I do.  It's been said that addicts stop emotionally maturing at the age they started using.  That makes sense, because I feel like a 12 year old sometimes.  It really kind of sucks.  I just don't really know what it's like to keep on feeling something.  After my mother died, I pretty much hit the ground running.  I was never much of a social user of any kind.  It's not like I used all the time when young, but when I did - I did!  And, it changed the way I felt.  It changed my reality - ultimately to become worse and worse.

So, now I am a 40 year old man stuck with 28 years of one f'd up reality - losing so much with the emotional stability of a 12 year old.  I'll make it.  I do appreciate everyone's support.  I'm sorry Sus for making your life so public.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  I'm sorry if I hurt anyone.  Let me rephrase that - I'm sorry to the people I hurt.  I'm tired of being sorry.  Life is hard nowadays, but it is rewarding.  I will make it through.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'll always have to work hard to reach it.  It'll be nice for both of us to move on.  I hope and pray Susan will have a nice life.  

I think it is appropriate that the next song that came on this morning was by "Hannah Montana."  If you didn't see the Hannah Montana movie (as I suspect most 40 year olds did not unless they watched it with their twelve year old daughter) this is the song Miley sang when she outed the fact that she was really Hannah Montana to her hometown.  She just couldn't live the lie to the ones she loved anymore.

(I proof read this to Susan and she laughed and said, "It's so deep!"  Bitch.  She really made me laugh.   I'll miss her!)

"The Climb"

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah

Oh Love

I wonder if this young woman across the street realizes how many times her liking to be naked in her window caused me to stick a needle in my arm.  Probably not.  Man I was f'd up.  It was somehow sickly connected.  Somehow that sight use create an uncontrollable desire to shoot up.  Wow.  I'm pretty distant from those days.  It kind of doesn't even make sense to me anymore.  Good.  It really didn't back then either, but there was a connection.  

I haven't even lived in this apartment for about a year.  It's pretty empty now.  It's echoing.  I'm so grateful for The King and Sam Malone.  They helped me help Susan move this morning.  They are both my roommates.  They helped in a lot more ways than physically helping me move.

571B Minna for 9 years

Still have a little to do tomorrow.

I took Phil by CityTeam one last time.   Leonard Sizemore just had to see him one more time.  All the guys there are being so cool to me.  Thank you guys.   Phil is on a plane to Cincinnati right now with Susan's parents. I appreciate all of the help from Susan's parents. 

The cat's won't be able to make it until tomorrow because they didn't have the proper paperwork.  I guess I get to see them - one more time!  I'm glad, but I will be glad when all of this is over and Susan and I both can move on with our lives.  I think we will both find happiness.  I'll miss her.

We had some good times in this apartment.  It wasn't all naked neighbors and shooting up.  Although we did cry a lot here and it was an emotional and mental nightmare for me at times, Sus and I did have some great days here.  Speaking of emotional nightmare, poor little Phillip use to get so confused.  Susan wasn't always coming towards me to hug me!  We hugged the other day and Phil barked at me.  He use to bark at me when Susan would yell at me.  He even use to bark at me when I use to try to steel money out of Susan's purse in the middle of the night.  Smart little guy use to make me so mad when he did that!  Susan would wake up and say, "You get 'em Phillip!"  and then hide her purse under her pillow.

We did laugh a lot here.  I'll always remember playing the Hannah Montana song on guitar while Susan sang and danced to it.  This makes me smile.  Oh yeah, I kind of found God here.  That's pretty big.

Moving wasn't that bad.  Even emotionally.  There were some hard times.  Her jewelry box had lots of memories.  Coming across some photo albums was kind of tough, but also kind of nice.  Sus and I had some really good times in our life.  Being in this apartment is really weird.  It's kind of haunted.  Naked chick never helped!  She gave one last show.   It's too bad Sam Malone and The King aren't here right now. It's probably best they are  not.  I wasn't really looking. I'm so glad my addictions are in check!

I should remember the last time I was looking at naked chicks I broke some ribs!  Which reminds me, one day before I was going somewhere, I was finishing up a converstation with Sleepless.  She said, "Try not to break a rib today, Perv!"  I still laugh about that.  It hurt back then to laugh when she first said it - my ribs were still really sore, but I couldn't help it.  I like a woman who makes me laugh!

I think having Sleepless as my friend has really helped me get through this.  She was very kind and supportive this morning. I will always love Susan, but it is different now.  Sleepless is....I don't know, but she really makes me feel good.   She has been a nice distraction for my mind.  Thanks.  

I was taking some people to the Oakland Airport at about 5:00 AM this morning and this brand new Green Day song came on.  Green Day is yet another amazing Bay Area band.  It pretty much sums up how I'm feeling.

Pictures of You

Well, I guess I'll try to write really quick blog.  Yeah right.  Actually, I need to learn to.   I am in the Learning Center and just took my writing assessment skills test.  I think I can write, but that doesn't mean I know what a prepositional phrase is or a superlative or comparative word is.  I just write.  I know I mix up "to" and "too" and I mix up "there", "their" and "they're" but that's just kind of out of laziness.  I know I don't have perfect grammar an lots of typos, but that's kind of out of always rushing.  I'm not that great of technical writer either.  So far I have tested out of everything I've tested for.  Something tells me I won't test out of writing.  I think that's kind of funny.  I hope my forced newly discovered knowledge will help.

Let's cover some CityTeam stuff really quick.  Rudy is gone.  He was finally kicked out.  Thankfully, I was not on the committee that made that call.  I do care about Rudy for some reason.  Am I surprised he's gone?  My readers can answer that one.  I wish him well.  Oh yeah, Jonathon wasn't here today - Trudy was.  Enough said.

I'm a committee member now.  This means, for the first time, I got to help determine someones fate today.  He stays.  He needs to change, but he stays.  Good.  He's a good guy.  He needs to change. I'll try to help.  I also need to focus.  I do.

Hefe sent me a facebook message the other day.  He is in Denver.  He says he is doing okay and is praying for me.  Hefe's always praying for me!  I pray for him too.  I love Hefe.   

Zack Attack stopped by.  He looked good.  He was in good spirits.  I need to call that young man.  There was always something about him being from my neck of the woods (he's from Indiana) that allowed me to connect with him.

I'm no longer allowed to use the computer in the office.  I don't think it's about me so I won't make it about me.  It's probably more about video poker than my writing, but I'll leave it alone.

I shouldn't have been so hard on Barry Bonds the other day.  I really love these guys. I am enjoying my role as the lead.  There are a lot of young guys who respect me.  They also love when I play guitar.  Ego.  It's not really that big. I really just have low self esteem.  I like to play music too.  I like when people like when I play music.

It looks like I passed every part of the writing assessment but the part on verbs.  I basically mixed up regular and irregular verbs.  I could tell the difference, but I didn't know which was which.  I really wanted to test out of everything, but I guess I won't.  I can be a perfectionist like that.  I still don't know the difference, well I do, but I can't tell you which is which.  I'll know before the next test.  I'll get them right next time.

Susan's parents take Phil and Reuben and Cerise with them tomorrow morning.  Susan's parents have been very helpful while here and very nice to me also.  I'll miss them.  I really will.  I can probably see the again some day, but it will be different.  It is what it is.  

I got to run with Phil one more time.  We ran to the Bay Bridge and hung out in the park with the big bow and arrow.  I hate to sound like a baby, but I cried.  He sat on my chest and licked my face.

Gina took this photo about a month ago.

Last night, Susan and I spent the evening dividing up pictures on the wall.  We held each other crying for so long.  It was really hard.  It's so hard to be in the apartment becoming empty as the photos come off the wall and everything goes into boxes.  It is so emotional for both of us.  We spent almost ten years in that place.  The amazingly good and loving times and the hell we shared in the apartment were as I said to Susan last night, "Epic".  Two people just cannot got through the things we went through and not some how be close in some way because of it.  We know we're over.  Susan said, "Your dying might have been easier."  I knew what she meant.  It's just more final.  She also said, "I knew it would be the hardest possible scenario for me and you."  God I'll miss her. 

The King and I have to start loading the pod tonight.  I will focus on the task at hand.  I have work to do.

My Senior Prom

My parents home in Loveland

Golden Gate Park

Seattle Monorail

Rockefeller Center, New York

This is the clock upon the wall
This is the story of us all
This is the first sound of a newborn child,
Before he starts to crawl
This is the war that’s never won
This is a soldier and his gun
This is the mother waiting by the phone,
Praying for her son

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be

(Wooooooooooooh)

There is a drug that cures it all
Blocked by the governmental wall
We are the scientists inside the lab,
Just waiting for the call

This earthquake weather has got me shaking inside
I'm high up and dry

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be

Confess to me, every secret moment
Every stolen promise you believed
Confess to me, all that lies between us
All that lies between you and me

We are the boxers in the ring
We are the bells that never sing
There is a title we can't win no matter
How hard we might swing

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we could have been
We could have been (Ooooooh)
We could have been (Ooooooh)

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we could have been
We could have been

Broken

(I wrote this blog 7-25)

It has been a hard day.  Not everything was bad, but it was just hard.  I'm not even really sure why.  I just feel depressed, heart broken, lonely, anxious,....  Oh.  Now this helps.  Barry Bonds just said, "Did you ask if you can get on the computer?"  No.   I said, "Your on the computer all the time!"  He just was on it for the last hour.  He said, "that's because I can."  Oh, I'm glad playing computer poker is so important.  You're not the house manager anymore.  If anyone's allowed in this office, it's me!

I'm just tired today.  I was already having vivid images of a needle going into my veins today and "the return" (seeing the blood flow back into the needle).  Let me just say that.  I don't know why.  I don't want to use and I won't use, but these images keep popping into my head.  I won't explain the detail so I don't have to feel it.  I already said too much.  I have always had good veins, but since I run all the time and work out a lot my veins are even bigger.  It sucks being triggered by my own body.  People on the street used to say. "You got ropes man".  Whatever.

I know I can't use and it kind of sucks.  Using sucks more.  Not using sucks.  Using sucks more.  I've relapsed many times around 4 months.  I am over 4 months and I will stay clean.  I do know that in my heart.  Using is so sick.  I use to like doing a big enough hit that it knocked the wind out of me and made me cough. If it scared me, it was good.  That's sick.  Why am I thinking about these things?!!

I went into my room this afternoon during study time.  I was just depressed and I actually slept.  I haven't slept in the afternoon since I was using.  It's just not really like me.  I needed to be alone.  I know I shouldn't isolate, but I just needed to lay there by myself.  

I'm usually always doing something.  Diablo says I'm like a hummingbird.  He says I wake up with my eyes fluttering.  Mr Ed has been calling me Forrest Gump since I run all the time.  It beats tweaker.

I did go pick up Phil and run to Rockers Guitar to buy a capo.  I lost mine.  Surprised?  They were too expensive so I went to Guitar Center before my Wednesday night City Church round table discussion.  That made my night.  I played an Gibson Les Paul, a Fender American Strat and a Gibson SG.  It's been a long time since I played an electric guitar.  

It felt so good.  I'll get one some day.  I actually think I'll get an SG.  I use to have a strat, but lost it to the pawn shop.  I always wanted a Les Paul, but they are so thick and heavy.  They still sound great.  I can't come up with a word.  Well, I can but I don't want to say it.  Let's just say it's masculine.  I was playing Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes on that Les Paul and it sounded so cool.  I'm not all that great of a guitar player, but it sure sounded good on that Les Paul.  It felt better.  I know it at least sounded better than it sounds on James Dean's acoustic Indiana guitar I play. I'm very grateful for that guitar.   I really loved the way that SG sounded, but it was more about the way it felt.  It was light and had a very thin neck and great action.  I love guitars.   And, it was the cheapest.  It wasn't cheap.  Marty plays an SG!  So does Angus Young!  I love Marty.

I then thought I should play an acoustic. I saw a $4000 Taylor.  I thought, "What could possibly make a guitar worth $4000?"  Then I played it!  I sounded good!

I sold a photo yesterday from my display at Brainwash.  The guy who bought it just moved here from New Zealand.  The Mate bought the red Battery 129 Tunnel.  This tunnel is way up in the Marin Headlands.  I use to spend the night up there sometimes.  Talk about creepy.  I loved it when I was high.  It fit right into my creepy world.  I took that photo around midnight (I was not high).  I set my camera on a tripod and left the shutter open for 30 seconds.  I then took a spot light with a red filter on it and painted the walls red with the light.  It was fun.  Then the cops came!  They saw this red light coming out of the tunnel and must have thought, "what the....".  They were cool about it.  I didn't use make it to so obvious I was there in my using days.  It was very easy to disappear up there.

Battery 129 Tunnel in the Marin Headlands - California

Right as I was selling the photo, "the devil" walked by the window.  He saw me and came in.  After my buyer left, he asked if he could borrow money.  I told him I was broke other than that $40, but I still loaned him $3.  It's not as if he never helped me.  

After "the devil" left, I met this beautiful woman from Thailand.  She began her conversation with me by asking me where I worked out?  Like my ego needed that!  She was very kind and said I inspired her.  She inspired me.  She's an architect and interior designer who graduated from Berkley, but she is interested in starting a booth at the farmers market and I told her I may be able to help her with that.  She is not available by the way - like all the beautiful women seem to not be that are in my life lately.  It's still nice to have them as friends.

I was feeling good until today.  Today has just been hard for some reason. Maybe it's because Susan moves soon.   I don't know.  I need it to be over.  The really hard part is yet to happen but it will be over soon.  It can't be harder than what we've gone through together in the past.  It can't. 

I told Mr Ed I wanted to live on a boat.  He said, "Why don't you buy a motor home and follow your ex-wife back to Cincinnati so you can stalk her some more.  You can park it outside of her house."  I love her, but I am over her.  It was never like that.  It may have been for someone else who use to be in this program.   I love Mr. Ed, but he has a strange sense of humor sometimes.

I am being told I'm defiant.  I was really trying to change my mood here. Writing can do that for me.  And it was.  I'm being told I'm going to get into trouble if I don't get off this computer.  I guess I better do something more productive like sit around in my head.   Maybe I should watch a movie or play peanuckle.    Perhaps I should stand out front and smoke.  I'm tired, frustrated, sad, depressed, lonely, confused, I feel broken.

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me, here anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

[x2]
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore

We Got the Beat

(12:30 PM)
My day started with a bit of a heavy heart today.  It's Susan's birthday.  While it is hard that I am not the one who will spend it with her, I am certainly a long way away from where I was a year ago.  I was in hell.  I mean hell.  For some reason, my addict mind has a way of taking big occasions and destroying them.  One year ago today I was in this shooting gallery doing all kinds of messed up things - on Susan's birthday.  I wonder why we're no longer together?  The voices were so mad that day.  It was a very, very dark day.   It all stared because I was sad and alone in San Francisco.

Susan was in Washington DC with her parents.  Her parents are once again here for her birthday.  She can count on them.  Speaking of Washington DC, Obama is staying a block away from CityTeam.  Everytime he comes out west he stays at the Intercontinental Hotel.  It seems to be the White House of the West.  He'll be there a couple of days.  Him being there makes my morning driving a nightmare!  They close all city streets one block in every direction of the hotel. 

It always looks like this in the morning, but it was just moving slower.  He left today (7-24)  He was staying in "The Water Cooler" up on the right. 

It's strange how quickly a neighborhood can change from one block to the next.  5th Street is nice.  6th Street, well, I do love it.  I know it has something to do with geographic transportation social economics since I-280 becomes 6th Street.   Yeah, I'm kind of nerdy like that.  It's kind of like the poor folk live along side the railroad tracks.  6th street is also the panhandle to complete insanity we call the Tenderloin here in San Francisco.

I'm up in Vallejo visiting one of our graduates with his wife. The hospital has internet access, so I thought I'd knock out a quick blog.  Good Fella and I are in the computer room right now.   Let's call the graduate Padre and his wife Sister Theresa.  Sister Theresa bought me, Barry Bonds and Good Fella lunch. They wanted to ride up and see Padre today.  Padre looks a lot better today than he did Friday.  He should be out on August 2nd.  I guess I'll be going back in forth to Vallejo for a little while longer.  I don't mind.  Traffic on I-80 is awful.

I'll finish it at the library - Barry Bonds just called Good fella.  Gotta go!

Surfer Dude went with me today to visit Padre (7-24).  I hope this isn't too confusing.  We were crossing the Carquinez Bridge on the way back from Vallejo.  It's a nice drive.

Traffic was actually good today (7-24)!

(4:00 PM)

Well, I'm at the library on one of the 15 minute computers.  I won't be able to get one for an hour until tomorrow.  The library is actually where this blog re-began about five months ago the day I actually saw President Obama.  I was actually living in the shelter instead of on the street - most of the time.  I was starting to go the library instead of looking for ways to get high. It was because of the support from all of you and I think the fact that my writing was keeping myself accountable that I got clean.  I kind of purposefully did that to myself I think.  I guess I can even thank the President for my getting clean!  Man, I'm needy.

I really wasn't planning on writing today, but I became so happy today.  This morning, I was sitting in a group talking to The King.  He had lost something and was angry, but I helped him find it.  Anger is his biggest using trigger.  I'm glad we found it.  He's really not an angry person.  Both of us smiled ear to ear when we saw Leonard Sizemore walk through the door!  Last time I saw Leonard, he looked nearly dead and I couldn't wake him up.  I was worried about him and I prayed for him.

He just spent a week at Walden House Detox.  He said, "That place is a zoo!"  It is.   One of his first questions was, "How's Phil?"  I told him I'd try to bring him by one more time to see him.  I told him on more than one occasion he looked good because really does compared to the last time I saw him.  He said, "Stop lying to me!"  I'm so glad he's back. It really made my day.

I bought Susan some orange and black flowers.  They are laying on the desk right in front of me at the library.  I guess I'll take them to her tonight.  I saw her mother last night and she didn't say much, but she was friendly to me.  I appreciated that.

(7:15 PM)
I just left CityTeam to stop by Susan's so I could drop off these flowers and post this blog on the laptop since Susan  and her parents are out to Dinner for her birthday.  They are good parents.  They were very good to me.  I can give them a lot of credit for my being a photographer.  I put their daughter through hell.  I'm sorry.

On the way over here, there was a woman lying on the ground out of her wheel chair.  She had no arms or legs.  Her friend was shooting her up. Not sure why I shared that, it was just quite a sight to see.  Let's not forget the President is a block away.

I never thought I'd name one of my blog's after a Go Go's song!  However, since Lenoard use to play in a band with Belinda Carlisle in LA before she was in the Go Go's and it is an upbeat song, I guess I'll use it for this blog.  I need to stay upbeat.  I'm glad Leonard Sizemore is back.  We play guitar and sing together a lot.  He also makes me laugh at a time when I don't have much to laugh about.

Interestingly enough, this is the opening song during the opening credits to the movie I've been talking about, Fast Times at Loveland High.  Did I say Loveland.  I meant Ridgemont.
 
After jamming to the Go Go's, perhaps you'd like to start where this all re-began, especially if your newly discovering this blog.  It probably makes more since to read it in chronological order.  It actually started in 2006, but that was a really long time ago.

Standing on the Moon

See the people walking down the street
Fall in line just watching all their feet
They don't know where they wanna go
But they're walking in time

They got the beat
They got the beat
Yeah
They got the beat

See the kids just getting out of school
They can't wait to hang out and be cool
Hang around 'til quarter after twelve
That's when they fall in line

Kids got the beat
They got the beat
They got the beat
Yeah
Kids got the beat

Go-go music really makes us dance
Do the pony puts us in a trance
do the watusi just give us a chance
That's when we fall in line

We got the beat
We got the beat
We got the beat
Yeah
We got the beat

Everybody get on your feet
We know you can dance to the beat
Jumpin'-get down
Round and round and round