21 Guns

The theme of my day seems to have been God's Will and Surrender.  The timing was right.  It is so important that I continue to do these things.  I used to think I needed to figure out what God's will was and then make it happen - or something like that.  My will played a big part.  Letting go and surrendering has always been important. 

I had an awesome day!  Most of it is because I have managed to do God's will most of the time over the past 5 1/2 months and surrender everyday.  Now that I am "free",  my will has been coming back in one of my addictions - women.  It's not even about sex.  It's about intimacy.  It's not even all about women - it's about intimacy with anyone and it's about co-pendecny with everyone!  Including my readers.

Co-dendency is a hard one for me.  What's wrong with wanting to help people.  Especially when I hear and see living proof that what I am doing is helping people.  I know some people have made changes in their behavior and they have received good things in life as a result.  They tell me my blog helped them.  I know everyone has helped me.  Not just from this blog.  Just doing the next right thing seems to make a big difference.  God works through people.  People are beautiful. 

I was a co-dependent long before I was an addict.  After getting to a point where I just couldn't take not being able to change the ones I loved I guess I said, F it.  In some cases I guess it was , "If you can't help 'em, join 'em."  I don't think it was all that conscious though.

Being in a state of surrender and not chasing a skirt seems to help.  I didn't do this when I was married by the way.  I shot up crystal meth for sexual satisfaction instead.  Sometimes I ended up in sexual situations as a result.  Perhaps I knew this and thought being high was a good excuse for that behavior.  I don't know.  It was double wrong  I guess.  I don't ever want to do that again.  However - I'm single now.  So, perhaps it's okay without the drug.  This is what I want to believe.  Some day it may be.  I hope.

I need to stay focused on me and recovery.  My friend that I have been living with sometimes signed me up for an Adobe Photoshop class at Adobe headquarters in San Francisco.  It was very good for me.  I realized I use to "sleep" in a doorway right across the street.  I also had some very dark times underneath some of the maze of freeways around the area.  It messed me up pretty good yesterday being there, but I got over it.  Talk about PTSD.   The devil f'd me up.   It exhaust me mentally to recall those times so I'm not going to right now - things are too good!

This morning, I took a Tai Chi class at my new program.  It was really good.  It is very meditative and seems to be good for my physical health as well.  I certainly moved my body working muscles I never have before.  It is also supposed to help a person ward off an attacker.  Unfortunately, I may actually need that someday.  It's more defensive than offensive of course.  This is all I would really want out of martial arts.

Then I participated in my program.  We focused on what I mentioned before - co-dependency.  The instructor and others in my life have suggested I want to fix people now - including tweaker chick.  I kind of do.   Although I'm attracted to skinny little junkies, I could see that she would probably clean up nicely.  I know I did.

This blog is supposed to help people and it seems like it does.  Am I being co-dependent?  I don't think so.  I think I care about sharing my reality for God.  That's what it means to me.  It may not always seem that way - even to me.

Speaking of sharing my reality to God, I had lunch with my Pastor today.   He's not God, but he's a good pastor and a pretty cool person.  He reads my blog.  I'm not complimenting him because of that or the awesome Thai food he bought us either.  It beat eating at my program where I usual have lunch, which also feeds the needy.  I actually like their food.  The environment can be a little challenging.  Last week a woman punched the guy in line in front of me in the face - twice.  They both got kicked out!  Oh yeah, since I am in the program, I get a special gold ticket and don't have to wait in the really long line anymore.  For that, I will call my new program Willy Wonka's Recovery Factory!  Is it okay to give it a nickname?

My Pastor gave me a lot of good insight into me.  He's the one that pointed out my need for intimacy with "everyone!"  He is kind of right.  He suggested I try to be a little more guarded with "everything."  He said he knows people love that about me but that he worried about me.  He thinks I should choose a little more carefully those I choose to be intimate with.  He's probably right.   He asked how strong I was in my recovery.  I pretty much made it clear that in the drug department - I think I'm pretty good.  In the woman - not so good.  He made a good point about that however.  He said  "It's the decision before the decision before the decision...."  Why does he gotta be right about that?

We worked out at deal that will involve my church using my art in exchange for professional counseling in that area of my addiction.  How amazing is that.  My images are meant to be "Godly" sometimes and it seems The Universe has found a way to help me through this amazing church that cares so much about this city and all of it's downfalls.  This church puts so much time and effort into the brokenness of San Francisco and it's urban core. I am so grateful to be a part of it.  I am also going to have my images at an art show at a really cool art gallery at an event they are putting on in a couple of weeks.  I need to take some new photos.  My pastor is an art major so I got my work cut out for me!  This should only make me a better photographer I hope.  I hope I'm up for the challenge.  We know we'll use this one.

I always say this is my signature shot, because I've been in the corporate world and I've been in the gutter.

So meeting with him, it was kind of obvious I was struggling in that part of my addiction.  Sometimes, I like it to be about Dave's will - not God's.  I know that's wrong.  My Pastor posed one important question that I have not really considered lately, "What about your salvation?"  Can't I just make my own rules?  Probably not.

Being in a state of surrender and doing God's will has gotten me a long way.  I've even made it through a slip in one addiction without slipping in the other.  It was the lesser of two evils.  But like Jerry Garcia said, "Choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil."  

Even my pastor agreed that the area in which I have an issue can be a God given gift.  I think it falls somewhere between food addiction and drug addiction.  One has to eat but one never has to do drugs.  Sex seems to fall somewhere in between.

Letting go and letting God will put me right where I need to be - wherever and whatever that is.  I know that.  It has really gotten me a long way.  I have to be patient and trust in the process.  I must have faith and let go of my will. 

My Wednesday night recovery meeting is my favorite.  It is one designed for Deadheads, music lovers and concert goers.  We attend these events together for support.   The topic at the meeting - Gods will.  None of this is by accident of course.  

My next new favorite activity happens after that meeting - Band practice.  We sounded pretty good.   We plugged in tonight.  It was fun playing electric guitars and singing into a microphone.  We probably played about 20 songs, but have narrowed it down to about ten for next week.  We are playing , The Allman Brothers,  The Eagles, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Nirvana, The Rolling Stones, REM, Brian Adams, John Mayall & Eric Clapton, John Meloncamp and probably a few more I can't think of.  It's a lot of fun.  We'll probably add a base player and a drummer soon.  

All of these good things have occurred as a result of my letting go and doing the next right thing.  I  have to do these things everyday to stay clean. I must never forget that.  I wish I could have figured surrender out with Susan.   I wish we both somehow could have.  I knew that's what I had to do but would have to lose most everything to finally do so.  Perhaps the voices were right when they used to suggest that we weren't suppose to be together and that I was suppose to let her go.  Perhaps I had just done too much damage and created to much pain.  She ended up letting me go.  She "just couldn't do it anymore."  That may have saved my life.  We were both very co-dependent towards each other at times.  Her of course more so to to me in the last half of our relationship.  In the beginning, I tried to change her in some ways.   And when I was clean.  And when I was not.  Let go! 

I remember when the song, 21 Guns first came out.  It used to make me so sad.  They played it a lot here in San Fransisco as they do with all the hometown bands.  They probably played this one a lot everywhere.  It's a message everyone truly needs to hear.   I remember the two of us driving across the Bay Bridge one day and this song was on.  I remember being so sad as I looked out the window at our city.  I could see Coit Tower - where I proposed to Susan in 1995.  I just never wanted to let go of her.  Ultimately, I lost so many things - including her.  I messed up.  Despite all that, surrendering 5 1/2 months ago is the best thing I have ever done.  That and God's will.  I must never forget that.  That's why so many good things have happened to me lately.  Thank God.

 

Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Friends and Lovers - Let the Good Times Roll!

I got to see Mickey Avalon at Slims a few years ago. He's from Hollywood.  I love his shows.  He's very hardcore and I think that's what I like.  That and the dark honesty of his lyrics.  I like this kind of white guy rap also.  I watched a live internet stream of him from the Viper Room in Hollywood the other day.  I prematurely posted it on Facebook.  I should have known those women on stage would get completely nude.  Duh. (This is not that video)

All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead

A slit wrist leaves a mess
On the breakfast table, oh yes
Betta' cut deep 'fore you go to sleep
Or in the morning you're the one who gonna have to clean

Days I've seen make a priest lose his beliefs
Like Kathy crawlin' 'cross the carpet in the bloodstained briefs
Chewin pills like she was starvin' for a taste of relief
Her last wind was in the trash can; couldn't beat the disease

All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead

Johnny made a record, went straight to number one
But Johnny had a little fascination with guns
And cocaine, he couldn't stand to take the slow train
Got a little fortune, lost his breaks in the rain, ooo
What to do when your luck is through
Whether you come from the slums or live in Malibu
Seen runnin' down the avenue
Mickey Avalon with an attitude

All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead

Lean Lee Tucker was a mean motherfucker
Seen him knock a man clean out his corduroy slippers
And that same man's queen (?) monster truck and hit him
Found him lifeless as a log in the Mississippi river
Tara was a stripper
Died on the shitter
With a smile on her face and her hand on her liver
But I ain't mad, I forgive her
I just get a little sad everytime I fuck her sister

I didn't know if I wanted to use that song or Waiting to Die by Mickey Avalon for this blog.  This one is a lot less hardcore than Waiting to Die.  Both would have worked.  I love Mickey Avalon.  He's brutally honest.  That's important to me.  It's a sick reality.  My reality was very close to the reality he sings about in a lot of his songs.  I've seen a lot of people die from this disease.  I've come close myself.  Sickeningly enough, a few times I sat contemplating just how deep I'd have to cut as I held a razor blade to my wrist.  For my own sick reasons that was going to be my method of choice.  This little dance with the devil we do....  It still temps me.  That living on the edge is....   I like this music and it is music which in some ways glorifies this lifestyle, however, at this stage for me it serves as more as a reminder of the dark reality of addiction.  Then there's the women....

Walking with God is the right choice.  I hope Mickey Avalon lives.  He's f'd up, but he's honest.  He's an amazing artists.  Sometimes artists can't handle their own gifts.  I think all he's doing some how fits into it all.  I like to believe that about everything though.

Speaking of f'd up, I'm staying back near the ghetto again.  I've gone to my old program twice in as many days for a few reasons.  One is because I love many of those guys.  Two is because there was a recovery meeting there tonight.  Three, I wanted to get my pillow and comforter!  Every time I have tried the person who was holding it for me was not there.

When I was homeless, someone put a brand new comforter in it's case beside me one night.  I woke up on a vent one morning, freezing, trying to get the warm air from the vent I guess.  I must have just collapsed after being up for days - I don't remember.  

Someone left me this brand new comforter with matching pillow cases.  I left it in it's case hoping some day I may actually have a bed to put it on.  I also had this awesome expensive pillow that Susan's friend donated.  He donated 20 to that program.   They were all very expensive.  I originally kept 2 thinking someday, I could put them in my two matching pillow cases.  However, the guy who said my stuff needed to be surrendered didn't get one back then so I gave him my second.  Enough.  You get it.  I had been gone for over three days.  Rules are rules.

I don't always play by them but I'm honest about it.  I am also a pretty good person these days. Is it against "the rules" to have sex in an alley in San Francisco?  Probably.  Sometimes it's allowed - at least with yourself.  It happens all the time at the Folsom Street Fair.  I say an alley, but I had a good private spot I use to "sleep" in when I was homeless.  I am a broken man my friends.  I am striving to be a better person - I promise.  That's why I'm trying to hold myself accountable for "that type" of behavior.  

I wasn't even really worried about the rules, but something about the "whole thing" felt wrong.  It was wrong.  I was in a vulnerable state I guess.  Poor thing. 

People say San Francisco is messed up.  San Francisco is honest and for that I love it.  Everyone is broken - maybe not as broken as some here, but I believe honesty counts for a lot.  God loves honesty.  I promise everyone - God's presences is really strong here in the way that it is.  I know that.

With that said, I'm honestly struggling to not have sex with women lately.  I have had 5 offers in as many days.  I'm counting the married brainwash chick as an offer, but the other four offers were pretty much, "Wanna.....?"   Yes I do....and no, I don't.  

How has this blog become this?  It's not very Godly I don't think.  Perhaps in it's honesty it is.  I don't know.  It is my reality lately and I'm trying to hold myself accountable.  While there's something exciting about all this, it's dangerous.  Not all relationships of course, but the potential ones with drug addicts.  Notice I say "not all".  That's because that's what I want to believe!  I am just trying to be honest as many ways as I can.  Everyday people praise me for that.  Especially women.  At the same time, I had one tell me I was pathetic last night.  However by the end the night she asked me if I would be her "passionate lover!"  I chalked her up as offer number four.  How'd that happen?   Good question, but when she told me I was pathetic for doing what I did with Tweaker Chick I said, "Maybe, but I'm an addict who's trying to change and it's just the truth."  Perhaps it was then she began "falling in love!"  I hope people "get me".

I also have men who say they like this blog, but it seems to be at about 80% women who read this and support me.  A couple of times, it has become a possibility for more.  It has become flirtatious at least.  I never saw that coming. I like it.  It makes me smile sometimes and it really has been harmless.  If anything, I thought it would be the exact opposite.  Honesty goes a long way.  It seems women are pretty honest.  I have made amazing friendships as a result.  That is amazing to me. 

My running through the Tenderloin the past couple of days has been triggering.  On my way to that meeting tonight, this very attractive Asian woman said to me, "You want to come to my room?"  I "love" Asian women.   Weakness.  I said, "For?"  She smiled.  I said, "Uhmm?  For?"  She made a motion with her body that let me know what for and then added, "$40.00."  That's kind of what I thought this time.  I'm glad, because I might have taken this one up if it was a freebie.  I of course didn't and I really didn't want to go with her for free either.  Not "really." 

I didn't even realize I was wearing my GETTO super hero shirt today during my run through the ghetto.  I got this at Hookaville - probably in the 90's.  If only I knew!

I've struggled with all this recently.  Speaking of struggling with all this, I ran into "tweaker girl" yesterday.  Talk about awkward.  She wasn't high this time.  I felt sorry for her which means I probably wanted to have sex with her.  I was talking to one of my friends at the time she walked up. As a matter of fact I was telling him how I got kicked out of that program.  I was telling him how it was the honesty in my blog that I felt got me kicked out.  I may have been too honest for that program.  Not too good!  Too honest.  There is a difference.  So I finally said to him, "What got the ball rolling was my writing about hooking up with this hot little mess....." just as the hot little mess was standing behind me.  Awkward.  She wasn't really a mess yesterday- which made her less hot to me.  I told you I have issues.  My friend saw her for the skinny junkie she was.  I have an attraction to that.  I'm sure it's an attraction by association.  I'm sure I didn't find slightly beat up and way to skinny women who were wasted attractive before....

I didn't use to be attracted to this either:

Golden Gate Street in The Tenderloin.

This needle I turned into "art" bothered me a little tonight, but not near as much as the guy shooting up in his leg as I ran by.  That really hit me in the heart.  As far as my decision to photograph this with my phone I did so because I thought it might help me work through all this.  Let me just say I actually believe it has.  It changing the dynamic of what I see - if that makes sense.  It does to me.

As far as the guy shooting up in his leg, it also disgusted me because that's how I used to be sometimes.  Being discusted by it is good for me.  At the time, I was envious that he was about to "get a hit."  

Occasionally my arms would get to bad to shoot up in and I'd shoot up in my leg.  There is a huge vein just above my foot.  I also used veins in my feet.  Those places have thick skin and hurt.  I even shot up in my juggler vein before.  I don't want to talk about this anymore.  Please don't think I'm glorifying this.  It was really sick.

I put a photo up on Facebook yesterday of syringes on a Muni train.  I was talking to an old friend who used to live an San Francisco, but now lives in Manchester, England.  We were talking how we didn't like the syringes in the photo because the were only 50cc's.  She referred to them as "cute little 50cc's."  I said how, "I was never so rude as to throw my needles everywhere, but at least they put the caps back on these."  She replied, "I use to volunteer to pick these bad boys up in the park because I was this rude."  Good for her.  You know, we can make up for our wrongs and make an even bigger difference - thank God.  God knows I was rude in plenty of other ways while in my addiction.

This is the photo of the "cute little 50cc's" we had such a fun Sunday morning discussion about.  (Well, it was morning here).  At least it's no longer a Sunday morning activity.  If you want to see my favorite - the 29 gage 100cc, look at the one of the street photo above.  Such knowledge.

 So it seems I'm tempted every night, but ultimately I really like these real freindships I'm making.  I have some amazing ones from this blog.  They truly are good, loving friendships.  I smile when I think of some of the people I mean when I wrote this.

 

It seems I may have made another.  It is possibly in part because of this blog, but I actually met her at Jerry Day.  How old fashioned of me.   She told me she read and loved my blog.  She also told me she had her male friend read it and he didn't get it.  Like I said - It's not the rule, but....I don't know.  Not everyone "gets it."  That's fine.   If you like it, thanks. 

She is beautiful of course!  She is really cool and it seems we have a lot in common and are becoming friends.  We are different too which is good.  She has a beautiful home with some of the coolest collections!  And, despite being younger, she has probably been to more shows than me!  I was out of the "show" biz for a while.  I look forward to getting back to my old ways!  The good parts of my old ways I should say. It's nice to have friends to enjoy these things with. 

It was nice hanging out with a "normal" person today.  Don't get me wrong, I love my friends who are like me too, but, she was nice to hang out with.  I think the best part of the visit was snapping green beans with her and looking at her amazing collections.   It was so free of drama!

I love people.  I use that word pretty loosely but it is a strong word and I do mean it.   I love having friends.  I love loving my friends.  I am so lucky to have so many!  

I will stay the path.  I will not be perfect, but I am becoming a better person and I will remain honest.  So many amazing things are happening in my life.  I feel so lucky.  If it's not obvious, I like a wide range of music.  I just like music that "speaks to me".  I'm ready to "let the good times role."  Alpine Valley is a cool place.  Babbling on....

 

Get in the groove and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long
Come on and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long

The evening sun is sinking low
The clock on the wall says it's time to go
I got plans, and I got plans for you
I tell you exactly what we're all gonna do

Get in the groove and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long
Come on and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long 

It might be twelve o'clock and it might be three
Time doesn't mean that much to me
Ain't felt this way since I don't know when
Might not feel this way again

Get in the groove and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long
Come on and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long 

It might be six o'clock and it might be eight
It don't matter that it's getting late
We're gonna make the band play one more song
Get in the groove if it takes all night long

Get in the groove and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long
Come on and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long
All night (all night)
All night (all night)
 
If it takes all night (all night)
You know it might take all night long (all night)
All night long (all night)
All night long (all night)
(continues)

Get in the groove and let the good times roll
We're gonna stay here till we soothe our soul
If it takes all night long

Brainwash

The one and the only!

This place is such a trip.  I shouldn't really tell these stories.  I just know I've handled myself appropriately here.  Brainwash has always been about this blog and the amazing music, art and hilarious comedy.  It doesn't even have to be comedy night either!  It has also been a place for me to stay in touch with so many who care and so many I care about.  Has there been a little long distance internet flirting?  Well, yeah, but that's harmless.  It's really more about friendship on here.  I do mean that.

My focus has been best spent while at brainwash working on this blog, communicating with friends, listening to music and viewing and creating art.  Trust me.  San Francisco is how shall we say - Loose.  Very.  Especially Folsom Street where Brainwash is.  I love this place and even being the "sex addict" I am, it's not really a bad place for me.  My addiction in that area is so much more about using meth.  That's why when me and Tweaker Chick hooked up the way we did, it was so messed up for me.  It was not me.  It was so not the real me.  I guess it was me, but it was not the me I strive to be.  I kind of see that now.  

At the outpatient program I'm in I discussed it and I explained how I had essentially reached that old familiar state of tunnel vision.  The counselor said she thought I was like the Tasmanian Devil destroying everything in it's path to get what I wanted!  It wasn't that bad, but I was in tunnel vision.  I don't like that. She wasn't all wrong either I guess.  I didn't really consider possible consequences of my behavior. I said it before, the only thing missing was that drug.  99%  of the time my "sex" addiction while using that drug was solo.  Yeah I said it.  Talk about honesty, right?  I'm making a little light of it, but I'm not proud.  I promise that.

I am trying to focus on this blog right now and not the woman, who is rather attractive I might add, a couple tables away who is provocatively putting lipstick on and winking at me!  Seriously!  I don't get it really.  I'm not a Gigolo nor do I want to be.  If I want anything now a days, it's love and affection.  Did I really just write that?  Manipulative perhaps the sex addict may be.  I think she's ready to give me some love and affection!  There is always a catch it seems around here.  She seems to be peaking over her husbands shoulder.  I'm not sure that's who he is and he might be just as into it as her.  My friend is here now.  I'll resume this later.

(Later) 

So where was I.  Brainwash.  Still here.  She's gone.  Thankfully.  She was pretty hot.  She must have been wasted.  Who knows - he could of been up for it too.  Everything goes in this town!  I don't know though, every time he walked away she'd take her wedding ring off and wink, put on lips stick, lick her lips, make like she had glasses on with her fingers.....(I know I was like, huh?)....It was really comical.  I love the comedy here!  I have no clue....Makes me laugh though.  I'm just glad she's gone really.

I was supposed to meet my volunteer counselor who was my case manager at that program I got kicked out of.   He also taught a class there on sex addiction.  Isn't that funny?  He couldn't make it.  She was here!  Luckily my volunteer career coaches showed up and we did what I always do at brainwash - take care of business.  I mean, we had a nice time too.  They are awesome.  My book editor friend said in reference to my writing,  "Yeah, you need some editing!"  I know.  I'm not so interested in a book thing.  It's not out of the question, but my focus needs to be photography.  This blog is just that - a blog.   It matters.  A lot.  To those it matters to - it matters and for that I'm grateful.  It matters volumes to me.

My focus is my photography right now.  My other mentor is an amazing photographer.  He is getting his masters in photography and is doing his thesis on skyscraper photography!  He just got back from New York and Chicago.  We mostly looked at his photos.  They are awesome.  Inspiring.  Both of those guys are God sends!  They are really nice and really care.  It also just so happens he was a web designer and got my website mostly up for me.  I was having issues with my FTP Client and downloading my jpegs.  Yeah.  It's mostly up now.  My purchase info page is missing, but I need a new one anyway.  My contact info is also out of date.  My old stand is little in the photo, but it worked though.  I used to push it down on a cart from Minna and 7th.  It was good exercise.  That will resume soon enough but I'll write about that some other time for now here is my website:

www.beatyphoto.com

I love brainwash despite all the slutty women.  Despite?  Actually, this place has never been about that for me.  It's not always that way either.  There has been a couple "opportunities".  I promise, I'm not all that.  I don't want to be.  I really want a friend....I had a great one.  I actually have lots of friends but you know what kind of friend I'm talking about.  Some day.

The first of such "opportunities" was the best of all! I wasn't going to tell this, but I guess I have to now.  I really am not interested in hooking up like this.  I honestly never have been - even before I was with Susan.  I promise.  I was like 12 right?  Actually, 17.  She was 12.  Not really!  I think she was 15 though. Wow.   

Still, my screw ups that occurred later in that department were all about being super high and it's a long story really but....I have issues.  I'm working on those and doing really good lately I might add.  Right?  One little slip during a really, really hard time.    It was the day after the person I had been with one way or another for 23 years left San Francisco.  For years I feared that possible day.  I told someone about what happened that morning, and they said, "Man, that's Biblical."  That's what I thought.  I didn't use!

Brainwash is a great place for me to write and stay connected, but it's also a great place for art, music and comedy!  It's just a cool place.  People are so cool here.  One of these days I am going to play open mic here.  Actually, I started jamming with two other guys recently and we sounded really good.  Man that was fun.  Perhaps the three of us can play here.  Who knows?  I displayed my photos here in June and actually sold a couple of photos.  After I agreed to display them, it occurred to me that doing so might have gone against program rules.  I was honest about it.  I wasn't really thinking about selling them - I was just excited to actually be able to display my art!  I'm glad I sold a couple though, I really needed the money. I never felt like I broke rules that hurt them - if I was even breaking one.

I guess "part" of the reason I got kicked out of  that program was also because I hung out here.  I mean, at least everyone is nice here.  I honestly told them, "Yes, they serve alcohol there and people occasionally  smoke pot there."   I'm not sure if it's permitted, but it happens.  That's kind of how San Francisco rolls on a lot of things.  Drinking and smoking pot happens everywhere in San Francisco. This place is not a bar.  It's really not.  It's like a coffee shop that happens to have beer and people smoke pot in here.  People smoke pot everywhere in San Francisco.  People smoke crack and shoot up on the street that program is on.   And, you can't really put beer and pot in a syringe so I could care less about those things.  If brainwash presented an issue for me, it may have come in the form of women, but that's never been an issue for me here.  I've had two porn stars make me an "offer" while here and not once I have I taken them up on it.  Seriously.  I mean what I'm saying.  I really am not about that.  I promise you.

So Folsom Street, the street Brainwash is on, is one of the more "sex friendly" streets in San Francisco.  There are sex clubs and porn theaters on Folsom Street - which were great places to shoot up for me.  I tried to leave it at that, but sometimes...that drug....  I'd rather forget about that sick shit.  Really.  It was not me.  Darkness can steal ones soul.  It's a long story how I got to that point.  I promise that is true. It drains my sense of well being to think about it, but it also gives me strong faith today in many ways that I'll never use again.  I'm not going back.  I know that.

Darkness seemed to have a grip on this skinny little hot mess that was here one night.  My buddy Leonard Sizemore gave me permission to use his photos and his nickname many times so I will here.  He is a great guy who is going to be fine and believed in what I was doing.  I care about him a lot.  I loved hanging out with him.  In fact, as soon as I get this done, I'm going to go say hello to him.  Then I'm going to hang out with none other that The King!  That's a good night.  That's what really matters to me.  I made some good friends at that program.  I always hoped for that.

Folsom street has this yearly festival called, The Folsom Street Fair.  In fact, they are advertising it in Brainwashes window right now.  It's coming up soon.  It's just San Francisco reality folks.  You should see the photos I have of the festival!  Should I put them on here?  I should.  We'll see.  Maybe the "clean" ones.  Yeah Right.  Actually they really are. You should see the "not clean" ones.  Some of it is artistic and most of it is shocking.  I am a photographer.  Please understand that.  I'll put some really mild ones on here for now.  Brace yourselves for some San Francisco reality.

It's 80% men, but the 20%....!!  I was having trouble emailing this photo to myself so I text it to Susan and she emailed it to me.  In the subject she wrote, "Perv photo."

Of course he's there.

Because she's there.

Which means it's there.

So they do this.

 It's still encouraged to not do this.

And I would sure like to do this.

Goodness.  Where was I?  

It was Sunday.  I had gone to church that morning.  The church I attend is full of very beautiful women, but I've said it before, that's not why I go there.  However, I started thinking, "Perhaps some day I will meet a nice, beautiful Christian woman to settle down with."  Yeah, right.

Anyway, this hot little mess of a blond was sitting next to me and Leonard.  I could tell she was having a hard day.  We started talking.  She just seemed stressed out.  It turns out she was from New York.  She was leaving San Francisco that night (thankfully) and then heading to to Las Vegas and then to Los Angeles.  Then she was heading back to New York.  It was as if she was on some kind of tour.  Since we were on Folsom Street, she started talking about the Folsom Street Fair.  She said New York has one, but it doesn't compare to San Francisco's.  I bet.  She said she loved being surrounded by all "The Daddies!"  Okay!

Leonard and I had to get back, but before we left, she said to me, "If you want to get a hold of me, look me up at www.(her porn site address).com."  Okay!!  Leonard and I got a good laugh out of that one.  He calls her "Kinky".  Every now an then he'll ask, "You talk to Kinky?"  As we walked back that night, I said to him, "Here I was thinking about how I was going to meet this nice Christian girl some day." and he replied, "And that's not her!"  He's got that right!  I miss him.  He always made me smile.  I'll see him soon enough.

I'm glad my last day at that program was spent with him.  We had to run some errands together.   Leonard get's a little freaked out on the bus.  Leonard loves San Francisco but hates the hills:

He was really tired and hoped he could sleep until we got to our destination

He got a little nervous but managed to hold it together on the flat parts of the ride.

But, when we got to the hilly part.....

It's so good to be back at Brainwash.  It was this place that allowed me to post so many blogs I have written and reconnect with so many old friends and make some new ones as well.  Friends that really matter.  And, some really special ones.  I came here the day I got "exited" from that program having absolutely no idea what to do or where to go. I was so numb and confused.  It was off the street and this place felt as close to home as anything possibly could have at that point.  It's here I started to work out the path to where I am today - a beautiful place in life.  I recently heard someone say, when God closes one door, God opens another, but the hallway in between can be at witch!  Amen to that.  

I love this place.  The woman playing guitar right now is playing a song named appropriately enough - California.  It's a beautiful song!  The chorus goes, "Get yourself to California..."  Please do my long distance friends - as soon it makes sense for us.  Check her out.  She's got a beautiful voice.  She's pretty beautiful too - go figure.  Be sure to listen to that fourth song down, California.  To my out of town friends - it's meant for you!

http://www.katdevlin.com/music.html 

I'll end this here.  One of my cousins just sent me a Facebook message asking, "What's you address these days?"  My answer?  "Good question."  Right now it's Brainwash.

The video below is pretty cool.  It gives a nice feel of what this place is all about.   The dude with the beard was just sitting right next to me.  There are lots of familiar faces.  Brainwash was my home away from my program for a few months.

Amazing Grace - Monkey Wrench

You know, I don't consider myself a Christian but The Bible never stops communicating with me at just the right time.  So does the Foo Fighters though.  It's really about God.  God is the one doing the communicating.  The Bible is an amazing, divinely inspired book.   I really believe in that book.  I have always struggled with organized religion.  Why?  People. 

I love people.  It's when they see thanselves as holier than now because of their religion is when I have issues.  The bible does say something about loving other believers first and I get that.  Christians do get a lot of greif from people - just watch Saturday Night Live.  SNL doesn't allow their clips on YouTube so I can't put it here, but this link actually allows for a little more about what I guess I'm writing about.

SNL - Jesus & Tim Tebow skit

That cracks me up.  I love how Televangelist Pat Robertson says, “If this had been a Muslim country and they had done that, and had Muhammad doing that stuff, you would have found bodies on the street.”  It's not that kind of a country Pat!  Thank GOD!  And Pat, what are you saying about Muslims?  They are not all that way.  Religion.

Please don't think I'm knocking Christians or Muslims - completely.  It's actually hard to be one.  It's hard to work so hard for God and be made fun of and persecuted.  I actually do admire Tim Tebow in a lot of ways for standing up for his beliefs despite his criticism.  I don't really understand why people think he so wrong sometimes.  If you don't want to hear what he's saying - don't listen.  I guess he is in a position that brings him attention that requires responsibility.  He seems to just be giving glory to God in the way he understands it.  Which side am I on here?  God's I hope!

I don't even really care that much about all this, but sometimes I just grab a hold of something.  Stop preaching Dave!  That's the last thing I want to do.  I talk about God all the time in this blog.  I like that you choose to read it.  Tell me I preach to you and I'll tell you  - Don't read it.  Not that preaching is all wrong.  I guess when it's sought after.  Susan use to tell me I preached to her. She needed it!  :)

I talked to one of my young Christian friends on Facebook today that had a big part in help saving my life.  I can't deny that there was something about what those kids believed in that made a difference in my life.  I told them I was struggling with going into a Christian program.  I told them, "I might be evil!"  I was assured by my young friend I was in fact, "Good."   They were like angels to me.  Many have been really.   My young friend is currently doing what she does so amazingly so - helping others in need in another big city!  Her and her friends are awesome.  She even took the time to message me a beautiful prayer on Facebook:

O Supreme Moving Cause,
May I always be subordinate to thee,
be dependent upon thee,
be found in the path where thou dost walk,
and where thy Spirit moves,
take heed of estrangement from thee,
of becoming insensible to thy love.
Thou dost not move men like stones,
but dost endue them with life,
not to enable them to move without thee,
but in submission to thee, the first mover.
O Lord, I am astonished at the difference
between my receivings and my deservings,
between the state I am now in and my past
gracelessness,
between the heaven I am bound for and
the hell I merit.
Who made me to differ, but thee?
for I was no more ready to receive Christ
than were others;
I could not have begun to love thee hadst thou not
first loved me,
or been willing unless thou hadst first made me so.
O that such a crown should fit the head of such
a sinner!

Amen.  Isn't she just a little angel?  I do love people.  Being in a Christian program saved my life.  It seems that Jesus character had a lot do with it.  It was always the few Jesus freaks I have encountered that I allowed to taint my view on Christianity.  That's wrong of me.  I just don't like when people speak of "being a good Christian".  As opposed to....?  Unfortunately, I guess they have a point.  Many get that we are all broken - even Christians.  Dare I say especially?  It was the few guys in the program who preached Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Yet their actions were anything but Christ-like.  If one thing bothers me, it's a hypocrite.  I have believed in God and been a sinner but I'm honest about it.  Actually, I always said for me to truly believe in God, my behavior had to be appropriate.  Christ-like I guess.  I think that still makes sense really.  Perhaps those "Jesus Freaks" were searching.  Stop preaching to me then.  I shouldn't let a few that are struggling have such an impact on my opinion.

I try to be one thing more than anything in this world.  Honest.  Because of my addiction, I couldn't always be that way.  Years of lies took a lot of time to overcome also.  The Truth really matters.  It can be hard.  I've said it before.  It seems The Truth set me free.  I made mistakes.  Big ones.  In hind sight, I would have done things diffently.  Mainly, not name the program I really felt deserved credit for saving my life.  It did.  I like to give people credit where credit is do.  I thought it might actually help them someday.  I get I may have been wrong in some ways.

I don't want it to seem as though I don't care about Christians or the Christian program I was in.  I do. Am I a little resentful.  Yes.  Maybe hurt.  Was I wrong.  Yes.  I know that.  Hind sight doesn't do much for the past. 

It was a tough place to be but I hate the way it ended.  Man it was tough sometimes.  I felt like I was always having to be prepared to be defensive about something.   Apparently the big deal about me is not my alleyway behavior but what I was writing.  The Truth?  I don't want to do this really.  I love that place.  I stopped there Saturday to get this huge plastic bin of earthquake supplies that Susan had for us while we lived together.  Susan was always prepared for such things as one should be in San Francisco.  She was on the emergency team for her very important job.  She had it all pretty together despite me.

So when she left, not needing it anymore, we both agreed I should take it to my program.  It had a lot of emergency supplies.  It was very heavy.  When I was asked to leave, it was way to heavy to take in my backpack!  I had a friend help me get some stuff a couple of days later.  My stuff was everywhere.  I had just helped my ex-wife move across country after we had known each other for 23 years and lived in San Francisco for 11.  I had moved back and forth from hotel room to hotel room 4 times at that program while helping Susan move because people can't get along.  (After being there a couple of months we got to live in the pee-in-the-sink hotel upstairs with three roommates. It was actually pretty nice after sleeping on an army cot for two months and the sidewalk for eight!)    

I already was so confused.  I had stuff all over San Francisco.  I had stuff at Susan's, in 3 storage units and at that program in two different rooms.  My last move from room 3 to room 10 was the night before I got kicked out which was 3 days after Susan moved.  Walking out that door I had no idea where I was going or how I would get my stuff to one of my storage units.  I was emotionally drained and still felt a little hung over from my "indecent accident" two days before.   The day after Susan moved, the day I had my little "indecent accident" with her,  I also helped 2 people move out of that program.  So when I left, I was pretty mixed up. Getting high almost made since but I really didn't want to.  I helped someone move yesterday too.  I was supposed to help someone on Sunday but thankfully that didn't happen.  

So anyway, when I stopped to get that earthquake supply bin, The guy who used to be house manager said, "It's been more than three days.  Your stuffs been surrendered!"  Thanks.  Again, lets get this straight.  I'm talking about your words you said to me.  Not about you.  It is a rule I guess.  I'm so glad I cared about the well being of that place in case of an emergency.  

I did end up getting it back - probably because they didn't know it was where it was.  Actually the current house manager did know and said it was okay.  That place has lots of house managers!

I love all those guys.  I really do.  Even that old house manager - a lot.  In fact, I was about to write about how I felt bad for him for something he was going through just before he was on the committee that kicked me out!  It wasn't him.  It really wasn't.  He didn't seem to like me using even nicknames and he's not all wrong about that.  I went to get my favorite movie, Cars, from him that I had loaned him while at the program and he hugged me and really cared about my well being.  I do love that guy.  He is good for that place and he was good for me.  Talk about a preacher though.  I'll never forget the day I told him he needed to get off his pulpit.  He didn't like that much.

It is just a tough place to be.  For me at least.  I think that's the hard part for me.  I really did care and work hard and was completely honest....enough.  Let Go Davemania!

I'm clean.  Thank you all.  Including that program.  I think they viewed me as a loose cannon with this blog.  I'm sure they've never dealt with someone like me.  I was never trying to hurt that place or anyone there in any way - even the one's I complained about using nicknames.  It turns out they were always in some kind of real trouble.  I never wanted to be a Monkey Wrench.  I mean that.  I'm free now.  I see that.  Life is coming together.  I hate imposing on people, but it is going to work out.  I see that.  I created a Facebook photography website that got 15,000 hits the first week.  I sold some photos too.  I just happened to look at who was liking my photos on there yesterday and saw that a famous Hollywood actress liked one of my photos.  This one in fact. 

I like it too! I once sold some of my stuff to a president and CEO of a major international clothing company based in LA.  People from all over the world purchase my photos from Justin Herman Plaza where I will be setting up again.  My real website is almost up and running.  It should be, but I just gotta figure one more thing out.  I'm no web designer and it's been a while.  I learned how to make websites from a book!  It worked I guess.  

I get my street artists license back on Sept 11th.  That date.  It means a lot to me.  I know it means a lot to everyone.   I probably blog about that soon.  It changed a lot for me.  There has been something about Septembers for me - not all bad really.   I see that now.  It's both good and bad.  I guess if it was good, it followed bad.  If we believe and do the right thing, Good comes from bad.  That's it.  I can't believe I'm getting it all back.   After what I just wrote I guess I should start.  One day at a time.

That program I was in means a lot to me.  I thought I was done.  It saved my life in many ways.  It is what it is now.  I do feel The Truth set me free.  Did I say that?  I've been told I say things over and over.  Yeah...yeah? 

It seems maybe they wanted me to beg to stay???  Nope.  I don't do head games.  Maybe I'm making that up in my head.

I got some valuable tools there.   Some of the volunteer people who were assigned to help me are still going to help me.  That's really cool of them.  I think of them as friends actually. Perhaps I'll help them too somehow.  I hope so.  

On Sunday, I went to the church I always went to while in that program.  It was nice to see some old friends - one from my program.  We had a nice walk and talk after.  I'm so afraid to name things right now.  The Pastor and those who knew me there were very supportive and they invited me to continue with the weekly roundtable I used to participate in while at "that program".  I'm not being smart ass about this, I'm just really trying not to use their name.  

Which reminds me.  Sorry.  Sorry for apologizing too.  Also Saturday, one of the guys said, "What were you saying about them? (the program)"  I said nothing bad.  I always tried to praise the place.  I wrote The Truth.  Not the details.  It was more about my concerns.  Hind Sight....Worthless here.  Not totally true.  He asked, "What are you saying now?"  I said, "Nothing bad. I don't even mention the name."  Is this bad?  I don't want it to be.  It's just I thought they would rally around me when I was going through all I was going through - maybe even put me on restriction - not say "this program is not for you and you need to move on."  Again, tell me once.  There was a lot that led up that actually.  Move on Dave.  I'm going to end it here.  I promise.  I was surprised that the person who kicked me out is the person who usually lets people who make mistakes stay and the person who kicks people out may have even been willing to let me stay.  Maybe I'm not surprised actually.  Actually the people who are wrong and they let stay are usually being manipulative liars.  I was not this at least.  I love them both.  Really.  Okay it's over.  I would like to help that place someday.  

I will say, being on that street after I was asked to leave felt way to familiar.  All I knew of my time on the street was using.  Seeing that brand new syringe as soon as I walked around the corner made my breathing very shallow.  It made me do something else though.  It made me start to pray.  I didn't want to use but didn't believe I would make it through the night.   That friend of mine a couple of thousand miles away is who really got me thinking.  She said it may be a good thing.  Another local friend I eventually reached out to said the same thing.  I couldn't see it at the time.  Ultimately it was my being tired of giving anyone a reason to worry about me that I decided, "I'm going to figure this out!"   Thank God for this blog and all my Facebook friends.  And that program.  And this lifelong program I am a part of!  All of you have no idea.   I mean that.  This all might actually be what I always hoped it might be.

It was nice to be at that Christian church I discovered while in that program.  They really do seem to care.  I'm sure there's a human being or two there, so....It's a good place.  I always hear what I need to here there.  The timing is always just right.   

Psalms 94:17-19

Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.  When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love , O Lord, supported me.  When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

After that scripture, the band which is always really good sung a song I use to play in that program a lot - Amazing Grace.  (Did I ever say how much I did for that program?  Not that I minded doing anything.  Dave.  Okay, okay.)   That song really is beautiful.  It's words are so appropriate and true for me and probably many.  It can stir my emotions.  What's new?

And then the sermon was about my bible hero - David.  You see David was a soldier before he was King.  Oh boy!  (I'm hoping to mimic his life by the way.)  I can't remember all the details, but apparently David the soldier was having a hard time.  He ended up doing something wrong.  (Knowing David, it probably involved a woman.)   David went insane and cried out for help so that he may be delivered from his fears.  King Saul didn't help him, he cast him out!  I think Ultimately, David ended up understanding that he should always fear God.  If I do that, I won't have any reason to fear mistakes that have been made because I won't make them.  Does that make sense?  It kind of does to me.  I've even already passed such a test.  Now, that feels good.  Yeah but, So does....Don't go there perv.  Keep making the right decisions.  No more "indecent accidents!"  An old friend told me a long time ago to never, "Yeah but..."  "The first feeling and thought is usually right", he would say.

I've been running (literally) to this recovery meeting about a mile from here.  It's at a recovery facility very similar to the one I was at but about ten times the size.  Because of this, it seems much more regimented.  It feels very institutionalized.  Living in an institution like setting can be hard.  It was fun at times.  Recovery faclities are God sends.  Please know I know that.  They are just hard to be at.  I learned a lot from being at the one I was at.  It's being hard to be at actually helps me stay clean.  No one wants to live like that.  I earned my place there.  

This place I run to is a good place, but it reminds me I don't ever want to be in that type of environment again.  For that I'll keep attending this meeting and be grateful that it is helping me and all the men who call it "home".

The fun part is running back to the place I call "home" this week.  I will move on as soon as I can and do all I can for those who help me.  I am also trying to do service for others. 

I also get to take care of myself.  I love that I have to run straight uphill to get back.  Unfortunately, the love songs or I guess they're really monster ballads (dork) I once chose to listen are dissipating in my MP3 player selection so.... :(  I guess the last thing I need to do is be in love.  It beat being in lust.  I run a lot harder to Foo Fighters anyway.   I need to be strong - mind, body and soul.  I think I am in the best shape of my life.  It feels really good in a really good way.  I encourage others to try it. 

I'm not trying to turn the ladies on here (well kind of), but my body is actually getting hard!  (not like that!)  Seriously though, I really never thought about that term "hard body", but when you work out a lot, you muscles get really hard.   I started realizing this after my bike wreck that injured my ribs and I would hold my chest all night long because of the pain.  I could feel how hard my muscles had actually become after months of working out everyday.  I also didn't know how many muscles we had around our rib cage.  Sit-ups were impossible for over a month!   I guess I was in good shape in high school, but it has been a log time and I may actually be in better shape now.  God's a good coach.  God probably doesn't like some of my humor - I don't know, maybe.   I'm human.   I'm definitely not a "Good Christian!"  Right? 

In regards to the program I was at I will be forever grateful.  That place works miracles in peoples lives.  It's a hard place to be.  My intentions were to always praise that place and never hurt it.  Sometimes, I felt The Truth had to be put into The Universe.  I promise you I never told a lot of things - both good and bad.  I think they thought I might have been a loose cannon.  If anyone reads this who is considering helping that place in any way - do it.  It deserves it and you'll be making a difference in a lot of peoples lives.  I always praised the volunteers - until some one told me to shut up and get back to work!  If the volunteers come back, we work less guys.  That wasn't my angle however, they just deserved to be praised.

Not that I want to, but I heard I'm never allowed back.  After seeing people complain about that place every day and do that place and those in it wrong every day then relapse and be let back in, that is kind of hard for me to hear.  Perhaps they need that place.  Perhaps they need to get their ass kicked on the street.  It's not up to me.  Either way, I hope all those who are there find their way.  Did I say I never wanted to be a Monkey Wrench.  I had every intention of finishing that program for all the right reasons, However, "Now I'm FREE".  I'll stay that way- one day at a time.

Monkey Wrench:  Sabotage (something), esp. as a form of protest. 

what have we done with innocence
it disappeared with time
it never made much sense
adolescent resident
wasting another night on planning my revenge

one in ten(x3)
don't wanna be your monkey wrench
one more indecent accident
I'd rather leave than suffer this
I'll never be your monkey wrench

all this time to make amends
what do you do when all your enemies are friends
now and then I'll try to bend
under pressure
wind up snapping in the end

one in ten(3x)
don't wanna be your monkey wrench
one more indecent accident
I'd rather leave than suffer this
I'll never be your monkey wrench

Temper(x3)

one last thing before I quit
I never wanted any more than I could fit into my head
I still remember every single word you said
and all the shit that somehow came along with it
still there's one thing that comforts me
since I was always caged and now I'm free

don't wanna be your monkey wrench
one more indecent accident
I'd rather leave than suffer this
I'll never be your monkey wrench

don't wanna be your monkey wrench
(fall in fall out)
don't wanna be your monkey wrench
(fall in fall out)
don't wanna be your monkey wrench
(fall in fall out)
don't wanna be your monkey wrench